Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7.
Me: Let me pull your tooth out.
Kate: Let me pop that zit on your back.
Me: Why won’t you play softball this summer? You’d be so good!
Kate: Because I’ll probably have a weird named team.
I picked up the girls from school on the day Emma went to school with no braces.
Me: Hey Emma! Did you show your class your smile?
Emma: Yeah, everyone noticed and were like, “whoa.”
Kate: Any boys kiss you?
Kate: What? She looks prettier.
Me: Knock it off. She’s always pretty.
Kate: I know she’ll have boys kissing her before boys kiss me. (sighs)
In the car.
Me: Girls, you ready for sunny and 75 this weekend?! Let’s lay out on the driveway and feel the warm sun.
Kate: (rolls down window and sticks her head out) BIKINIS AND SUMMA SUMMAAAAAA! WOOOOOOOO!
Me: Come on, Kate. Wake up.
I pulled Kate up, out of bed.
Kate: UGH! JULIE BUG! NO!
Me: STOP! FIGHTING! I can’t take it!!
I walked into Kate’s bathroom. She was staring at me by looking through the mirror while she brushed her teeth. She rinses her toothbrush, flings the toothbrush water at the mirror.
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!
Kate: Flinging water at you.
Kate: Worth it. Hair flip. (flips hair)
Kate: I’m on a sugar hiiiiigh!
Emma: Kate, stop being weird.
Kate: Fine. I’m going sugar freeeee!
Emma: Stop being more weird.
Emma walked in my bedroom.
Me: Hey, Em.
Emma: I forgot what I was going to say. Hold on.
Emma walked out then walked back in.
Emma: Ok, I remembered.
Kate: I’m the princess of the family. And Emma is the bully.
Emma: STOP, KATE!
Kate: It’s true.
Emma: STOP IT!
Me: Stop. Both of you. If we were royalty, your dad and I would be the heirs to be king and queen on both sides of the family since we’re both first born. That means, Emma – you would be the next queen. Kate would only be queen if Emma were to die before having children.
Me: It’s true.
Emma: HA! Kate, I’m the next queen. That means I’m more powerful than you!
Kate: I’M STILL THE PRINCESS. You’re still the bully.
Kate: Mom, you’re my BFF.
Me: Really?! Awwww!
Kate: Big fat fart.
Emma borrowed my phone to text Scott while he was in Florida.
Kate: Can I open the soup package?
Me: No, let me get scissors. You’ll open it and it will fall all over the floor.
Kate: That’s how normal people do it.
I played the classic rock station on Pandora while I straightened Emma’s hair. “Carry On Wayward Son” started playing.
Me: Who is singing this?
Me: I’ll give you a hint. It’s a state.
Me: A STATE.
Emma: California? Florida? New York?
Me: No. Another hint: it starts with a K.
Me: IT’S THE STATE YOU LIVE IN.
Emma: Oh! Kansas!
Me: Let’s take a picture.
Kate: I’m a little sensitive when it come to taking pictures. No, thanks.
Me: Where did you hear that? Smile.
Kate: Pay me $1 per picture with smile.
Me: OH MY GOSH, KATE! What happened to your legs? You’re bleeding all down your legs!
Kate: Ran through a rose bush. Kinda hurt so I just kept running through it. I don’t care. It’s just blood.
Me: You ran through a rose bush.
Kate: What do you want me to do? Fly over it?
Me: What should I caption this picture of Emma and daddy?
Kate: What’s a caption?
Me: When you write a sentence or two, explaining the picture.
Kate: Oh. Hm, well how about “Emma’s dad calls Emma ‘boo’ sometimes as a nickname. But one day, he accidentally called her ‘boobs’ and Emma hates it.
Kate: You know how Grandma calls everyone’s name with an “I-E” at the end of it? Like Katie, Scottie, Emmie….
Kate: What if she called Emma’s new nickname with an “I-E”?
Emma: Kate, what are you talking about? What nickname?
Kate: Boobs. Boobie. Hey Boobie!
Emma: STOP IT, KATE!
Me: You smell like a Thin Mint.
Kate: I didn’t eat five.
I was listening to the radio after I picked up the girls from school.
Emma: What are they talking about?
Me: Shoplifting. Who do you think is more likely to shoplift, men or women? Like, steal something from a store without paying.
Kate: Girls. Because they can sneak out like, hanging on the ceiling, doing cartwheels and flips and stuff.
I picked up sushi to-go with Kate. We had to wait for our order. Kate picked up a magazine.
Kate: How do you be on the cover of a magazine?
Me: Well, depends on the magazine.
Kate: What about this magazine?
Me: It looks like it’s a local business. So this flower business paid the magazine money to have the owner be on the cover in this issue.
Kate: I want to be on a cover.
Me: Better have some money if you want to be on this magazine’s cover.
Kate: I’ll just take yours.
Kate handed me a mint from the sushi restaurant.
Kate: I think it’s a fruit flavor.
Me: Looks like blueberry from wrapper.
I put the mint in my mouth.
Me: Tastes like…it tastes like wine? Weird.
Kate: Lemme try one. No, not wine. It tastes like cranberry juice.
I helped Kate with homework.
Me: Ok, so what is the opposite of south?
Me: Not south, but…
Me: Down is south. Up is….
Kate: West! Southeast! East West!
Scott was in bed with Kate, saying goodnight. The lights were off and it was pitch black. Kate started giggling.
Kate: You shhhhhh. I’m pushing my nostrils up. Shhhhhh
Me: You’re so sloppy.
I was writing on my laptop at the kitchen counter. I feel my ponytail being pulled back.
Kate: Thanks for the ponytail holder.
My niece, Evelyn (almost 4): I like your face and your braids in your hair.
My nephew, Ben (age 3): Dad, are you my uncle?
My brother-in-law, Mark: I’m your dad.
Ben: Uncle Scott is my uncle?
Ben: I miss my uncle.