Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.
I asked Kate for my phone while we were walking through a parking lot. She handed the phone to me and it dropped. We both looked at the phone at our feet.
Kate: That’s your problem.
Kate made a fake cast to wear. Emma signed the cast with “hope you feel worse.” For whatever reason, Kate left the cast on. I took the girls to downtown Kansas City. We sat in the KC Streetcar (like a bus). One of the employees walked down the aisle to make sure everyone felt welcome.
KC Streetcar employee: Oh no! A cast! What does that say there? Hope. you. feel. worse. Well that’s not nice.
Kate was in my shower.
Kate: HEY, MOM! YOU’RE OUT OF SOAP!
I walked in and grabbed Bath and Body Works “Vineyard” soap from under my sink.
Me: Here you go. Open the door.
Kate’s hand grabbed the soap and she shut the door.
I walked off.
Kate: SERIOUSLY, VINEYARD?!
Emma takes the bus home from school. I passed her walking home on my way to pick up Kate. I rolled down my window.
Me: Hi, Emma! Do you want to ride with me to pick up Kate?
Emma: (takes a drink of water and spits it at my car) Nope.
Scott: I’m going to kiss mommy right now, just to freak you two out.
Kate: Put your tongue in her mouth like you did at your wedding.
One evening, I was outside on my patio with my computer, playing music. Kate walked outside and sat with me.
Kate: Put on Bruno Mars.
Me: No, I can’t write with Bruno Mars. I like this Spotify station. It’s called Relax and Unwind.
Kate: I’m taking away your wine.
Kate: I have twins in my class.
Me: Aw, that’s cute. Are they boys or girls?
Kate: One boy and one girl. They don’t look alike.
I woke up to Kate jumping on my bed.
Kate: Wakey, wakey! Eggs and Starbucks!
Emma: MOM! Kate called me a butthead!
Kate: Uh, it’s called SARCASM!
Kate: What should I be for Halloween?
Me: Be the Mother of Dragons from Game of Thrones. You can borrow my good wig.
Kate: No one knows who that is. I’ll have to tell my class with that wig on my head and say, “my parents watch this show.”
I got a new calendar. I filled in the girls’ school activities through the year. I opened up May.
Kate: I think I want to be the witch from Snow White.
Me: Good one! We can get you a basket of apples and….
Kate: Make Emma be Snow White so I can poison her.
We took the girls to a popular sunflower farm near Lawrence, Kansas. Home of the Jayhawks. (A friendly reminder we are Kansas State Wildcat fans.) We ate at a restaurant in Lawrence for dinner.
Kate: I gotta go to the bathroom.
Me: Emma, will you take her?
The girls walked back to the table a few minutes later.
Emma: Kate said she wasn’t going to flush the toilet because she’s in Lawrence.
Me: Scott, did you see Emma’s arm after the soccer game? Some girl from the opposite team dug her nails in her arm so bad she’s bleeding and now it’s bruising.
Kate: Ha! For once it wasn’t me.
Kate went to the KC Royals game with some friends. Her friend’s parents drove her home.
Josie, Kate’s friend, told Kate she could rap. Josie starts rapping in the car.
Josie’s dad: Josie, that didn’t rhyme.
Josie: Yes, it did.
Kate: Just use the word “chicken.” Chicken rhymes with everything.
I drove Kate to school.
Me: See how it’s all cloudy this morning? Kinda hazy?
Me: Those clouds are from Hurricane Irma.
Kate: They are?! Sounds like Hurricane Emma.
Emma and Kate were fighting in the backseat of my car.
Kate: KNOCK IT OFF, EMMA!
Emma: I didn’t do anything, KATE!
Kate: You sound just like your mother.
I took the girls to Panera for lunch. We were leaving when Emma said she needed to use the restroom. I told her to meet Kate and me outside when she was done.
Kate: Let’s just go. She can figure out how to walk home.
Me: Kate, you’re trapped in an elevator. Which one person would you want trapped with you?
Kate: So you’re trapped too.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
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Lane, 7: Hey dad, is it a good idea to light a fart on fire?
Lane: Teeth are like torture for food.
Lane (jumping into his mom’s car from a friend’s house, as she pulls away): Well, that felt like robbing a bank.
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