Scott quit the PTA.

The Pinterest Mom.

Damn her.

She has the best school party games. She has the best school party crafts. No peanut butter allowed? That’s not a problem because she knows exploding slime will be better than a small package of peanut M&Ms. The teachers adore her. The polite moms roll their eyes behind her back. But her friends will say it out loud in front of her –

“Julie’s basically the adorable parent equivalent of teacher’s class pet.”

I didn’t mean to become the Pinterest mom. It just happened.

You guys, it’s not hard to be the Pinterest mom when all you have to do is steal ideas from Pinterest. I never add my own projects. I just steal. I can’t possibly be teacher’s parent pet. My kids don’t make straight As and they’re in elementary school.

I mean, if you were a kid at your class Valentine’s Day party craft table – would you rather color a coloring page or chisel a Cupid’s arrow from a stick I collected from my backyard? I’m kidding. We didn’t chisel Cupid’s arrow.

I should pin that. 

I was in charge of bringing a craft to Kate’s Valentine’s class party. I decided on No-Sew Felt Heart Pillows.

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Boom. Easy. Tie knots. Stuff. Tie knots again. Too girly for the boys? Nope – I’ll buy camo print felt. Stuff it, kids.

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That one heart took me two hours.

I asked Scott for help.

Me: Will you help me with these felt hearts? Just cut little snips around the edge and you knot. Like this.

Scott: Sure.

Scott cut two hearts.

Scott: Where’s the box cutters? These scissors are dull.

Scott opened the Hobby Lobby bag and pulled out the receipt.

Me: Oh, you don’t need to look in….

Scott: Fifty dollars!

Shit.

Me: Actually, it’s $40. The other $10 is for Kate’s school project.

Scott: Does the school pay you back?

Me: Are you serious?

Scott: Do the parents pay you back?

Me: Um, where have you been the past six years? No. The craft person is financially responsible for the craft. Especially since I’m a stay-at-home mom. Even though I’m really a work-from-home mom.

Scott: That makes no sense.

Me: Oh, you know. It’s easier for a stay-at-home mom to do these type of things than the moms that work outside the home.

Scott: Well that’s bullshit. So just because you’re at home, you have to pay? What the hell?

Me: I can’t believe you are just now realizing this. I volunteered, ok? Just help me. Please. Kate’s your kid too.

Don’t tell him this will take two hours for one pillow. Don’t tell him this will take two hours for one pillow.

It took Scott ten minutes to finish two ties.

Scott: Like this?

Me: Yep.

Scott: Oh, hell no.

Me: You’ll get a groove. Just keep going. They’ll be cute.

Scott: This is bullshit. How many of these do we have to do?

Me: Well, I got enough for 30 kids. I think 22 or 23. I’ll have to ask Kate.

We continued knotting for an hour.

Me: So you’ll get to the middle like this and leave the rest for the kids to finish and stuff.

Scott: So you want the kids to knot half a heart.

Me: Yeah, but we only have about six minutes with the stations.

Scott: Well, that ain’t happening. It took me an hour to do half a heart.

Me: Your fingers are chubby, maybe.

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Scott: This is a horrible project.

Me: It looked cute on Pinterest. I can’t return the felt. I cut all 60 hearts.

Scott: Are you kidding me?!

Me: I’m a good room mom! These are adorable!

Scott: No wonder Cody said you’re the teacher’s parent pet. You’re a teacher’s dream mom.

Me: No, I’m not! It’s Pinterest! Pinterest is the pet. And this is turning into my first Pinterest fail.

Scott: THANK YOU. FAILING. CORRECT.

Me: I just want the kids to have a good party. I remember making the cutest crafts when I was a kid. Ornaments, hand print projects, bird feeders…

Scott: I don’t remember any of my class parties. The kids will be fine.

Me: Fine, room dad. What should my craft be?

Scott: Let them sit at the table and talk to each other.

Me: That’s a terrible idea.

Scott: Ok, take the kids on a field trip outside and first person to find a heart-shaped cloud wins a piece of candy.

Me: Scott.

Scott: Throw a bunch of candy on the table and tell them every man for themselves.

Me: Come on.

Scott: Tell them to color a heart on their hand. We’re not paying for another craft.

Me: I said I would help Cody. She’s the room mom. I don’t mind. I want the kids to have fun.

Scott: You tell those other lazy-ass parents to step up and help. You’re not doing this anymore.

Me: Oh, they’ll love that psycho email. “Hey! It’s Julie! Kate’s mom. You guys are a bunch of lazy-asses. Screw all of you for not volunteering the craft. Now your kid will look for a heart-shaped cloud, color a heart on their hand and then attack classmates for candy thrown on the table.”

Scott: Then tell the teachers to do their jobs. I’ll send an email. I don’t care.

I gasped.

Me: WHOA! WHOA. Ok, this is NOT the teacher’s responsibility. The parents have always organized the class parties, like, for the past 30 years. You can’t say a word to the teacher.

Scott: See? Teacher’s parent pet. You’re a Pinterest mom. Nope. I’m done.

I ended up drawing a tree with bare limbs on a canvas. The kids inked their fingerprints to fill in the leaves of the tree. My sister wrote the teacher’s name on the bottom in calligraphy. I purchased the canvas and ink at an undisclosed price in fear of Scott reading this.

The class finished the craft.

And Scott quit the PTA.

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