Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

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Kate: Can I take a mistletoe to school?

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I brought the girls over my parents house.

Emma: What are you eating?

My mom: We got some food from Freddy’s.

Kate: Oh. We ate nothing.

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Kate: Why don’t you wear heels?

Me: Because they make me taller than daddy and he doesn’t like that.

Kate: Tell him ‘too bad’ and be taller.

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Kate: (petting our dog, Belle) Oh Belle Belle! You look dead laying here. Yes, you do! You look dead, Belle Belle!

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I picked up Kate from school.

Kate: UGH! I learned NOTHING TODAY! NOTHING!

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On Thanksgiving.

Me: What are you girls thankful for?

Emma: What do you mean?

Kate: Food. And poop so it doesn’t just sit there.

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Kate: Emma’s being mean to me!

Me: You’re tattling. I don’t want to hear it.

Kate: Well, so then I scratched her but that was because she was being mean.

Me: Did you just try to tattle before Emma got to me?

Emma: MOM! KATE SCRATCHED ME SO HARD THAT I’M BLEEDING!

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Kate: (browsing what she wanted for Christmas) Just free shipping? That’s not a good deal at all.

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Me: Kate, tell Emma to come downstairs.

Kate: EMMA BEATEN!

Me: Emma Beaten? You mean Burton?

Kate: I mean beaten because she beats me up.

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Me: Give me your Christmas lists, please!

Kate: Here.

Emma: (looking at Kate’s list) Mom, she wrote Tar jay.

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Kate: “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage. That’s not all. Baby’s drinking all the alcohol.”

Me: Where did you learn that?

Kate:

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I watched the Bruno Mars special concert on TV with Kate.

Kate: Is this live?

Me: Hm, I’m not sure.

Kate: It says “live” on the bottom of the screen.

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Watching Bruno Mars.

Kate: He’s like double jointed.

Me: How do you know?

Kate jumped up off the couch. She started thrusting her hips forward.

Kate: He can move his hips like this. I can’t do it right.

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I came home from a calligraphy class with Emma.

Me: See what we did? Isn’t it cool?

Kate: I want to do a calligraphy class too!

Me: You’re still a little bit young. How about a gingerbread making class? Just you and me.

Kate: Fine. But not YOU. Nana. Me and Nana.

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Kate: Where are we going to get a tree?

Me: Just Home Depot. I think they have some nice real ones.

Kate: No! I want to go to a tree farm!

Me: It’s too late for that. We can either get a tree from a tree farm tomorrow in 12 degree weather or just get a real one real quick at Home Depot.

Emma: Home Depot. Let’s just get this over with.

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Kate: How do you spell mean?

Me: M-E-A-N.

Kate: No, the other mean.

Me: Huh? Use it in a sentence.

Kate: My sister is mean to me.

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Kate: Why do you eat cottage cheese from the container?

Me: Because I’m the only one in this family that eats cottage cheese.

I closed the lid and placed the container back in the refrigerator.

Kate grabbed the container, opened it, grabbed a spoon, and stared at me while eating the cottage cheese.

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Me: What are you looking for, Stella? Your soul?

Kate laughed.

Me: Did you laugh at my joke?

Kate: What’s a soul?

Me: Mmmm. Kinda like who you are without your body.

Kate: Oh. That’s not funny.

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Kate played with my phone. I checked my texts later that night.

Text message from my sister, Jenna: I love this art kit I got Emma. I kinda want to open it and play with it before I give it to her.

My (Kate’s) text message back: Do it.

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Me: Look at my hair! Isn’t it cute? I got a braid up-do at this boutique today. It was free! You like it, Kate?

Kate: Yeah.

Me: Scott. Look. Cute, right?

Scott: Gorgeous.

Me: Emma, look! An up-do.

Emma: Please stop. We get it.

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Me: Scott, I hope I have enough drinks for the progressive party tomorrow. Do you think my whiskey punch is enough? Plus, the wine.

Kate: You’re fine. Girls only drink wine anyway.

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I walked across the kitchen, Kate jumped out from hiding behind me. My pants go down to my ankles.

Kate: KNEW IT! NO UNDERWEAR UNDER YOUR PJs!

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I sneezed.

Kate: You looked like a whale when you sneezed.

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Emma: Would you rather – keep living your life or restart your life?

Kate: RESTART!

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Kate: Let’s see, daddy wrote “cool t-shirts” on his Christmas list. I wonder which cool he wants.

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Kate: Some boy told me he hates my shirt because he hates K-State and loves KU.

Me: What’d you say?

Kate: I said football is better than basketball.

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Me: So wait, you guys get out of school on Wednesday?

Emma: Yep. Half day.

Me: (sighs)

Emma: Why are you upset?

Kate: Because she hates us.

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Kate: I’m bored.

Me: Oh! Ok, you can brush your teeth. You can brush your hair. You can put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher….

Kate: I’ll go outside.

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Special edition: Oh Kids. 

Lane, 7: Would you rather have a belly button that doubles as an electric outlet or swap faces with anyone in the planet? I think I’d rather my belly button. That’s be super handy.

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Mom: Well, Leighton has a cavity. Leighton is bummed.

Josie, 8: Leighton, don’t worry. I’ll still play with you because cavities aren’t contagious. By the way, thanks for reminding me to brush my teeth extra good tonight.

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Lane, 7: Mom! Jesus was born with a six-pack!

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If you have kids quotes – email me at jbugbytes@gmail.com or tag me on Facebook. 🙂

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And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

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I asked Kate for my phone while we were walking through a parking lot. She handed the phone to me and it dropped. We both looked at the phone at our feet.

Kate: That’s your problem.

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Kate made a fake cast to wear. Emma signed the cast with “hope you feel worse.” For whatever reason, Kate left the cast on. I took the girls to downtown Kansas City. We sat in the KC Streetcar (like a bus). One of the employees walked down the aisle to make sure everyone felt welcome.

KC Streetcar employee: Oh no! A cast! What does that say there? Hope. you. feel. worse. Well that’s not nice.

Emma: (laughs)

Kate: (growls)

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Kate was in my shower.

Kate: HEY, MOM! YOU’RE OUT OF SOAP!

I walked in and grabbed Bath and Body Works “Vineyard” soap from under my sink.

Me: Here you go. Open the door.

Kate’s hand grabbed the soap and she shut the door.

I walked off.

Kate: SERIOUSLY, VINEYARD?!

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Emma takes the bus home from school. I passed her walking home on my way to pick up Kate. I rolled down my window.

Me: Hi, Emma! Do you want to ride with me to pick up Kate?

Emma: (takes a drink of water and spits it at my car) Nope.

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Scott: I’m going to kiss mommy right now, just to freak you two out.

Kate: Put your tongue in her mouth like you did at your wedding.

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One evening, I was outside on my patio with my computer, playing music. Kate walked outside and sat with me.

Kate: Put on Bruno Mars.

Me: No, I can’t write with Bruno Mars. I like this Spotify station. It’s called Relax and Unwind.

Kate: I’m taking away your wine.

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Kate: I have twins in my class.

Me: Aw, that’s cute. Are they boys or girls?

Kate: One boy and one girl. They don’t look alike.

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I woke up to Kate jumping on my bed.

Kate: Wakey, wakey! Eggs and Starbucks!

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Emma: MOM! Kate called me a butthead!

Kate: Uh, it’s called SARCASM!

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Kate: What should I be for Halloween?

Me: Be the Mother of Dragons from Game of Thrones. You can borrow my good wig.

Kate: No one knows who that is. I’ll have to tell my class with that wig on my head and say, “my parents watch this show.”

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I got a new calendar. I filled in the girls’ school activities through the year. I opened up May.

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Kate: I think I want to be the witch from Snow White.

Me: Good one! We can get you a basket of apples and….

Kate: Make Emma be Snow White so I can poison her.

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We took the girls to a popular sunflower farm near Lawrence, Kansas. Home of the Jayhawks. (A friendly reminder we are Kansas State Wildcat fans.) We ate at a restaurant in Lawrence for dinner.

Kate: I gotta go to the bathroom.

Me: Emma, will you take her?

Emma: Yeah.

The girls walked back to the table a few minutes later.

Emma: Kate said she wasn’t going to flush the toilet because she’s in Lawrence.

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Me: Scott, did you see Emma’s arm after the soccer game? Some girl from the opposite team dug her nails in her arm so bad she’s bleeding and now it’s bruising.

Kate: Ha! For once it wasn’t me.

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Kate went to the KC Royals game with some friends. Her friend’s parents drove her home.

Josie, Kate’s friend, told Kate she could rap. Josie starts rapping in the car.

Josie’s dad: Josie, that didn’t rhyme.

Josie: Yes, it did.

Kate: Just use the word “chicken.” Chicken rhymes with everything.

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I drove Kate to school.

Me: See how it’s all cloudy this morning? Kinda hazy?

Kate: Yeah.

Me: Those clouds are from Hurricane Irma.

Kate: They are?! Sounds like Hurricane Emma.

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Emma and Kate were fighting in the backseat of my car.

Kate: KNOCK IT OFF, EMMA!

Emma: I didn’t do anything, KATE!

Kate: You sound just like your mother.

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I took the girls to Panera for lunch. We were leaving when Emma said she needed to use the restroom. I told her to meet Kate and me outside when she was done.

Kate: Let’s just go. She can figure out how to walk home.

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Me: Kate, you’re trapped in an elevator. Which one person would you want trapped with you?

Kate: You.

Me: Me?

Kate: So you’re trapped too.

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Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Email me at: Jbugbytes@gmail.com if you want your child to be featured here! I only need first names and ages.

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Lane, 7: Hey dad, is it a good idea to light a fart on fire?

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Lane: Teeth are like torture for food.

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Lane (jumping into his mom’s car from a friend’s house, as she pulls away): Well, that felt like robbing a bank.

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”