The letter O.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Is there any other O than Oh?

In high school, I worked at a day care. A red-headed mom picked up her 4-year-old red-headed son. Her son said something to her that made her laugh. She looked me in the eye and said, “when you have your own kids, write down the funny things they say. You’ll forget as soon as they say them so write them down. I keep a notebook in my purse. It’s hilarious.”

My 17-year-old self never forgot that motherly advice. That little boy is 22 years old now. I always wonder if his mom kept her notebook all these years. I don’t remember their names and even if I did, I doubt she remembers me. I hope that 22-year-old red-haired boy has a book of his own quotes to read.

I’ve been writing down what my daughters say since Emma was two. It started as an email to family members then found its way to my blog. The mom was right – I forget almost as soon as it’s said. I have to write it down fast.

This is my 80th blog post titled Oh Emma, Oh Kate. I always wonder if it will be the last. I worry one day I’ll wake up and Emma and Kate will be adults. The world won’t be funny anymore.

Yet, somehow they seem to top themselves without ever trying.

The letter O.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate. 80th edition.

___________

Emma: Let’s play hide and seek in the dark outside.

Kate: Hold on, let me download this heat sensor app on my iPod.

___________

Me: Emma! Where are your soccer cleats? Help me look. Do you know where they are?

Emma: Do I look like Siri?

___________

Kate started rolling her tongue.

Me: Where did you learn that?

Kate: (rolling tongue) Beginning of a Pitbull song.

___________

Kate busted into my room on a Saturday morning.

Kate: WAKE UP!

Me: UGH.

Kate: Mommy! Look!

She walked up to the side of my bed.

Me: Kate, I don’t have my contacts in. I can’t see you that well. Get closer.

Kate rests her stuffed boobs next to my head.

Me: What the?

Kate: Grew me some big ‘ole boobies! HA!

Me: Put my bra away, NOW. Get out.

___________

The girls needed some new flip flops for summer. I took them to Old Navy for some cheap pairs.

Kate: UGH. Why did you take me here?

Me: You need some flip flops and they’re cheap here. And I don’t know your shoe size unless you come with me. Your feet keep growing.

Kate: I mean, why did you take me HERE? I want everything. I want this. This too. Oh, and this. These are cute. This was a bad decision to take me shopping with you.

___________

Inside Old Navy’s dressing room.

Me: Cute shirt, Kate! Let’s get this one. A little cold shoulder top. Love it. Clearance too!

Kate: Yeah! (Kate shimmies)

Me: Are you shimmying?

Kate: I love shimmying in this shirt.

Later that night. Kate wore her new shirt.

Me: Show daddy your shirt.

Kate shimmied.

Scott: Are you shimmying? Do you know what that is? Don’t do that.

Kate: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just showing my shoulders.

Scott walked off. Kate shimmied at him behind his back.

___________

I was writing on my laptop in bed one afternoon. I could see the girls playing hopscotch from my window.

Emma: YOU LOSE, KATE! I WIN!

Kate: (stares at Emma. Walks off to my outside master door. Drags the welcome mat over near Emma, hurls the mat at Emma’s back, then crosses her arms.)

Me: KATE! I SAW THAT!

Emma: MOOOM!

Me: I know. I saw. Kate, did you just hit Emma in the back with a welcome mat because you lost?

Kate: No. I hit her because she won.

___________

I took Kate on a sushi date. We talked while we waited on our sushi.

Kate: Let’s play truth or dare.

Me: Ok, truth.

Kate: Have you or dad ever picked your butt in front of a video camera?

Me: No.

Kate: Wrong. I saw an old video of you picking your butt.

___________

We were at Scott’s parents for dinner.

Kate: Daddy and I were playing softball in the house and daddy hit the sailfish on the wall with a softball.

Me: SCOTT!

Nana: Oh, Scott.

Scott: Kate, why would you tattle on me?

Kate: Because I can tattle to your mom too.

___________

Me: Hey! Emma! Girlfriend, bring your empty plate to the sink!

Emma: Oh, I thought someone would do it for me.

___________

Scott practices softball with Kate every night.

Scott: Ok, so what is your take away for tonight?

Kate: That I like myself.

___________

Scott sent a video of Kate hitting softballs to his friend, Hunter.

Scott: Hunter said Kate hits better than his own son.

Kate: Obviously.

___________

I poured myself a glass of wine in a darkened kitchen after the kids were in bed.

Emma: Seriously, mom?

Me: AH! You scared me, Emma!

Emma: This is what you do when we sleep?

___________

Me: Go to bed.

Kate: No.

Me: Uh, yes. Go to bed.

Kate: You wanna make an ice cream run?

Me:

Kate: You like that, don’t ya?

___________

Me: Go to bed!

Emma: No!

Me: Yes. It’s 8:30.

Emma: It’s really 7:30 with the time change.

___________

The girls went upstairs after school one day. It was silent for about 20 minutes.

Me: Scott, do you hear how quiet they are? They’ve been so good lately. No fights.

Emma: KNOCK IT OFF, KATE OR I WILL HOLD YOU DOWN AND FART IN YOUR FACE!

___________

Kate: Mom! Stella got into your bathroom trash and now there’s those white things you put up your butt all over!

(Tampons)

___________

Emma: Wouldn’t it be cool to paint on toilet seats?

Me: Huh?

Emma: Like quotes in pretty handwriting. Like, “Have a seat. Take your time.”

___________

Our neighbors’ were out of town. But their kids were home with their grandma. She’s a good grandma. She always plans some kind of activity for all the cul-de-sac kids to participate in. We received a note at our door.

Me: Cool! A St. Patrick’s Day breakfast! Have the kids come by anytime from 7 am to 9 am on St. Patrick’s morning for a green breakfast!

Kate: 7 AM? I’ll be sleepin’. Guess, I’m coming over at 9.

___________

Kate walked in my room, brushing her teeth with my toothbrush.

Me: Gross! Kate! That’s my toothbrush!

Kate: Emma put my toothbrush in the toilet so I’m using yours.

___________

Kate: Can we make a leprechaun trap?

Me: A what?

Kate: You make a trap and the leprechaun leaves you money.

Me: Uh, we’re not Irish.

Kate: Our neighbors do it.

Me: Are they Irish?

Kate: They’re from Colorado or something.

___________

Scott: Kate, pick up your shoes!

Kate: Knock it off. You’re mommy’s teenage son and don’t pick up either.

___________

I pushed through radio stations in the car.

Me: Ugh, Justin Bieber. I don’t like him.

Kate: Why?

Me: He’s doesn’t seem very nice.

Kate: Well, his music makes me feel nice.

___________

Kate: Hey mom! Will you check my cursive on the computer?

___________

Scott put Kate to bed.

Scott: Good night, Baby Got Back Becky.

Kate: Good night, little nipples.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

O.jpg

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Me: Good night, Kate.

Kate: Night, Becky.

Me: BECKY?!

Kate: Look at her butt, Becky.

__________

Kate: What are you doing?

Me: Taking down your Christmas lights in your bedroom window. It’s not Christmas anymore.

Kate: What makes a string of pretty lights, Christmas lights?

__________

The girls started crossing their eyes at each other.

Me: Gross! Stop.

Scott: Did you know if you cross your eyes for a long time, they’ll stay that way?

Emma: That’s not true. That’s just something parents say to their kids.

Kate: Yeah, dad. Remember that picture of you holding a beer and crossing your eyes. They’re not stuck.

__________

Kate: How do you spell, “Joe’s?”

Me: G-O-E-S.

Emma: G?!

Me: Oh, sorry. J-O-E-S.

Emma: Way to go, writer.

__________

Emma: Did you know farts stink because of the bacteria in your butt?

__________

Kate received a Garmin Vivofit, Jr. for Christmas. It’s a watch that tracks her activity and sleep levels. It also allows me to give her virtual “coins” for doing chores.

Me: So when you do a chore on my list, let me know and I’ll give you a coin.

Kate: Ok, got it. And what if I lie to you?

__________

Me: Kate, take a shower. Don’t be the stinky kid at school tomorrow.

Kate: I like being the stinky kid.

Me: Why would you want to be the kid that stinks?

Kate: It means I had fun.

__________

I was flipping through radio stations in the car. “Drunk on a Plane” starts playing.

Emma: STOP!

Me: This song?

Emma: I love this song.

__________

Me: Kate, will you shovel the driveway?

Kate: Emma said she has a fun way of shoveling.

Me: How?

Kate: She puts me on the shovel and pushes the snow up on me.

__________

Me: Do you want ketchup or mustard on your hot dog?

Kate: What do you think?

Me: I don’t know.

Kate: You just said the answer. N-O.

__________

Kate gave us a coupon book of “free chores” for Christmas.

Scott: Let me get my coupon book. I’m going to use a coupon tonight.  Let’s see…put dishes away, 10-minute back rub, take trash out, which one do I want to use…

Kate: Only one.

Scott: What does this say? Free 30 minutes playing on daddy’s phone?

Kate: I made myself a coupon.

__________

Me: KATE. I’M YOUR MOTHER AND YOU LISTEN TO ME.

Kate: JULIE. I’M YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU LISTEN TO ME.

__________

Kate: I want Ramen noodles.

Me: No, enough Ramen. It’s not good for you. There’s a lot of salt in it.

Emma: Mom, your shirt says Salt Life.

__________

Kate gets in the car after school.

Kate: Ah, I love breaking rules.

__________

We played Monopoly Jr. one night.

Me: Ok, whoever wins this game wins a real dollar.

Kate: YAY! From Emma’s piggy bank?

__________

Kate made a pretend “doggy daycare” shop.

Me: It’s 8:30! Time to go to bed!

Kate: Nope, sorry. My shop doesn’t close until 9. I gotta work.

__________

I picked up the girls from school.

Kate: There’s a boy in my class that went on a cruise with his family.

Me: That’s nice.

Kate: He got a haircut on the ship.

Me: Yeah, cruise ships have cool little places like that. It’s like a small town.

Kate: I need a haircut.

Me: Please don’t.

Kate: On a cruise ship.

__________

Kate: What’s a weenie?

Me: Why?

Kate: Heard it at school.

Me: I don’t know.

Kate: Daddy has one, doesn’t he?

__________

Me: Goodnight, Kate.

Kate: Night, you sloth.

__________

I gave the girls their backpacks before we walked out the door.

Me: You two both wear your backpacks on both shoulders.

Emma: What?

Me: I used to wear one strap over one shoulder. Like this.

Emma: Mom, only kids who think they’re cool do that.

Kate: Mom! Don’t you want your back to be supported? What’s wrong with you?

__________

I dropped Kate and Emma off at their Nana and Papa’s house. It was dark. Kate got out of the car first. She ran to the front of the garage door so the headlights shined on her. She put her sunglasses on, did a shimmy, gave me a peace sign and struts to the front door.

Me: WHAT?!

Emma: Mom. Don’t you know what kind of teenager she’s going be?

__________

Me: Wake up!

Kate moans in bed.

Me: Wake up! I told you! Should have went to bed earlier last night.

Kate sits up in bed, eyes still shut, and pushes me off the bed.

__________

Emma: Can I go over my friend’s house after school? It was her birthday at school and she has extra popsicles. She said we could eat the rest at her house.

Me: Sure. What kind of popsicles?

Emma: Uh, the kind that stains my shirt really bad right here.

 

__________

Emma: We read a Scholastic magazine in class today. At the end, there’s a question that makes you think about the article.

Me: What was the question?

Emma: Is it ok for parents to put their kid’s pictures on Facebook or Instagram without the kid’s permission?

Me: Hm. What do you think about that?

Emma: I think it’s ok for parents to do that. I like it when you post my picture or write about me.

Kate: I don’t. Let me see it first.

Me: Ok, here’s another question – at what age does a child have the right to say no? When a baby is born, almost every parent I know will post a picture of the baby because they’re proud. A baby or toddler doesn’t have an opinion. What if a pre-schooler screams, “NO!” to everything? What age should a parent take their request seriously?

Emma: Hm, maybe when the kid can read?

Kate: TAKE OFF MY BABY PICTURES, MOM!

__________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Scott: True or False?

Kate: I love this game!

Scott: One day, in college, mommy showed her boobs to people at a bar.

Me: SCOTT.

Kate: Hmm. False.

Scott: Correct. Because if mommy were to do that, she would go to jail.

Kate: No, she wouldn’t.

__________

Emma: So Donald Trump will be the new President?

Me: Yeah.

Emma: So he has to move into the White House?

Me: Yep.

Emma: He probably won’t like that too much?

Me: Really? Why do you think?

Emma: That must be much smaller than his other houses.

__________

Emma: Mom, I saw Kate today at school.

Me: Aw, you did? You guys never see each other.

Emma: Our lines crossed in the hallway.

Me: That’s cute.

Emma: Yeah, Kate pushed me against the wall and then she goes back into her line and waves at the rest of my class and says, “oh! Hello, everyone!” And the class is like, “oh your sister is soooo cute!”

__________

I waited in the school office for Emma. I had to take her to an orthodontist appointment. The school office has all glass walls. I see Kate’s class walking down the hallway. I looked for Kate and found her.

Kate sees me and does a double look.

Me: (waving) Hi Kate!

Kate: (makes an angry face, points at me, and continues walking)

__________

Kate: Did you know Siri doesn’t know everything?

Me: She’s a computer.

Kate: Google knows everything.

__________

Kate’s friends came over and asked if Kate could spend the night. I said that was fine. Kate brought down her overnight bag and headed towards the door.

Me: Wait! Kate! Give me a hug! I’m going to miss you!

Kate: I’ll miss you too, mommy.

Me: You can stay here if you want.

Kate: When I’m packed, I’m gone. Bye!

__________

Me: Here’s my birthday list, girls. I’m going to send daddy and you all over town!

Emma: Mom. Don’t treat us like slaves. I’m learning about slaves now. Don’t treat us like that.

__________

Kate: How much was your tattoo, daddy?

Scott: About $1500.

Kate: Ha! Well, that’s a waste.

Me: A waste?

Kate: Yeah, that’s a lot of money, honey. (snaps)

__________

Scott was putting our Christmas lights up on the house. Kate and her friend stood on the driveway, watching.

Friend: My dad would never do that. He’s scared to be on the roof.

Kate: My dad is scared of Alice in Wonderland and NOT Game of Thrones.

__________

Kate: Why does your middle name only have two letters?

Me: Ann has three? A-n-n.

Kate: Oh, I thought it was A-n. Like the word.

__________

The girls were watching Full House. It was the episode when Rebecca and Jesse get married.

During the middle of the wedding…

Kate: Man! This is horrible!

__________

In the car.

Kate: Can I play with your phone?

Me: No. When I was a kid, we didn’t have phones or iPods to play with in the car. Look out the window.

Emma: When I have kids, I’m going to say we didn’t have whatever new invention they have.

Me: Probably.

Kate: When I have kids I’m going to tell them we had iPods that went dead and when they died we couldn’t use them in the car.

Emma: Yeah, and that GRANDMA wouldn’t let us use her phone.

__________

Kate: How do you say meatloaf in Spanish?

__________

Me: Let Stella outside. She needs to go pee.

Kate: No.

Me: Please, it’s my birthday.

Kate: You’re not the queen of me.

Me: I’m asking nicely.

Kate: SCOTT! LET YOUR DOG OUT! SHE HAS TO PEE!

__________

Me: Kate, before you go upstairs, will you put my glass in the sink?

Kate: I’m not your wine maid.

__________

Emma: Mom, there’s only two ice cream bars left. Kate has one and I have one. You can have mine if you want. I can find another snack. I know they’re your favorite.

Me: Oh, can I? I’ll take it if you want to eat something else.

(I look at Kate, holding her ice cream bar)

Kate: They’re so gooood! You can’t have mine!

__________

Me: Where’s my pillow?

Scott: Oh. Forgot to tell you. Kate came in here and took your pillow.

Me: So now I have this dink kid pillow?

Scott: She said you could have hers. Yours is much better so she’s taking it.

__________

Text message from Kate.

Kate: Mommy, will you get me and Emma Dunkin Donuts?

Me: Yes, when I wake up.

Kate: Go now.

__________

I was reading “Weird But True” facts from a National Geographic Kids book with Emma.

Me: Ha! Listen to this – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has the world record for amount of selfies taken in one minute.

Emma: Why is that funny?

Me: Your dad loves him.

Emma: Why? Because dad’s middle name is Duane?

__________

Still reading the Weird But True book with Emma.

Me: Aw, kids that grow up with a dog have a less chance of developing asthma in their lifetimes.

Emma: Did you also know that kids with dogs have a higher rate of being late to school?

Me: What?

Emma: Can’t blame me for being late to school now.

__________

Me: It’s 8:30, girls! Bedtime!

Emma: Nope.

Me: Uh, yes. School night.

Kate: Nina told us you didn’t go to bed until 9:00 on school nights.

Emma: New bedtime!

__________

Scott and I were getting the kids’ school things ready in the morning while the girls looked for Buddy, the elf. They left the kitchen but we could still hear them.

Kate: Where is he, Emma?

Emma: I don’t know.

Kate: Where’d they hide him?

__________

 

Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous, if you wish.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Kate: The remote is out of batteries.

Me: I’m pretty sure your dad used all the batteries for the trail cameras. Just go use your fingers.

Kate: How do I do that?

Me: Walk up to the TV and turn it on with the side button.

Kate: It can do that?

__________

Scott: Oh, Kate. One day you won’t love me anymore.

Kate: Yeah. I’ll probably like you though.

__________

Me: Kate, go feed the dogs!

Kate: You’ll have to pay me.

Me: No, this is your chore. Feed them.

I make dinner and we sit down to eat. Stella snuck pieces of bread from everyone’s plate.

Me: Kate, didn’t you feed the dogs?

Kate: I told you! You need to pay me!

__________

Scott: (screams and throws an article of clothing out of the laundry room)

Me: WHAT?! What happened?

Scott: What is that. A baby bra?!

__________

Emma: Can I get this game for my iPod?

Me: Let me see. Ugh. Emma, it’s like for kids.

Emma: Mom, I’m a kid.

__________

Kate walked inside the house from playing outside.

Kate: (laughing) Mom!

Me: Yeah. Did you have fun at the park?

Kate: Emma saw a bunch of construction workers at a house and talked to them.

Me: WHAT? Girls! No. You know better. Don’t do that. Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know.

Kate: But it was all in Spanish!

Me: WHAT.

Kate: Emma was like, “Hola, amigos!” and they said “Hola, amiga!” And then Emma said “Como estan?” and the construction workers said “asi, asi.” We talked until we couldn’t understand them anymore and we rode our bikes away.

__________

Me: GIRLS! STOP LEAVING FOOD IN THE BASEMENT. DO YOU WANT MICE?! A STALE BROWNIE. HARD AS ROCK.

Kate: I’m not really a brownie person. But I know one girl that is.

__________

Scott and I were watching the Presidential debate. Emma walked in the room.

Emma: Who’s that?

Me: That’s Bill Clinton. Hillary’s husband. He used to be President.

Emma: Bill Clinton did?

Me: Yep. Before you were born.

Emma: I thought Bill Clinton was her dad.

__________

Me: Kate, do me a favor and go get me some wine. We’re out.

Kate: Ha! I can’t drive!

Me: Yeah, and you’re not 21 either. I was kidding.

Kate: Wait. You have to be 21 to buy wine?

Me: Yep. 21 years old to buy beer, wine or liquor.

Kate: But how do they know how old I am?

Me: It’s called getting carded. You’ll have to show them ID, like a drivers license with your birthday on it.

Kate: Can’t I just write my name with a permanent marker on your license?

__________

Scott: Finally! You’re done with Game of Thrones! Isn’t it good? Doesn’t Arya Stark remind you of Emma? She’s a little badass.

Me: Ha! Yes! Arya is totally Emma. Do you think Kate is Sansa Stark then?

Scott: Kate is Cersei Lannister.

__________

Scott’s parents watched the girls overnight. The next morning, they dropped Emma and Kate off at home.

Jeff (Scott’s dad): The girls told us something interesting last night.

Me: Oh great.

Jeff: Well, Nana made meatloaf for dinner last night. They said daddy used to call hot chicks “meatloafs.” And that mommy is definitely a meatloaf.

Me: SCOTT. A piece of meat, are you kidding me?! I’ve never heard you call me a meatloaf.

Scott: I never told them that!

Emma: Yeah, you did! You said you and your friends would have a code word and “meatloaf” was a hot chick.

Kate: Uh huh, dad. Mommy’s a meatloaf. (snaps)

__________

Scott: Kate, why are you wearing a t-shirt and underwear? Get dressed.

Kate: Because mommy does.

__________

Me: Oh, why are my babies both sick?

Kate: Probably because you keep asking if we want hot lunch.

__________

Scott put the girls to bed while I was out on a girls night. I get a text message from Scott:

Scott: I’m putting Kate to bed and she asks for a bedtime noise from the sleep time app. You’ll never guess which noise she asked for.

Me: Which one? Ocean waves? Whales? Frogs?

Scott: No. Think Kate.

Me: The glass with ice cubes clinking?

Scott: Yep.

__________

Kate: (shouting from her room) I don’t love you, mom!

Me: Do you love me now?

Kate: At about 5%!

__________

Me: Kate, when you die on your iPod game it’s time for bed.

20 minutes passed.

Me: Ok, it’s been 20 minutes. I know you died by now.

Kate: Still breathing.

__________

Me: Ugh. Kids, this car is so dirty.

Emma: And why do you think that is? Because you decided to have Kate.

__________

img_9324

__________

I slept through my alarm one morning. I woke up at 9 am. I woke up because I heard the girls fighting upstairs. I ran upstairs.

Me: GIRLS! You’re playing Nintendo?! Why didn’t you wake me up?! You have school. It started 30 minutes ago!

Emma: Oh, I didn’t know we had school.

Kate: We let you sleep in.

__________

Emma: Where are you going tonight?

Me: To see a stand-up routine.

Emma: What’s stand-up?

Me: Stand-up comedy.

Emma: Huh?

Me: When someone stands on a stage and they just tell jokes. Stand-up. You’ve never heard of stand-up comedy before?

Emma: People do that?

__________

Kate: So, uh, can I ask you something?

Me: Yeah.

Kate: (face turns bright red) So daddy was saying that Brett is coming to town? On, like, Tuesday or something?

Me: Yes, Brett will be here Tuesday.

Kate: I have four days to get ready then.

brett

Brett.

__________

Emma: Did you know that the world is going to end on November 9, 2016?

Scott: Why?

Emma: Because both Presidents are evil and no matter which one wins, they will ruin the world.

Me: Who told you that?

Emma: Heard it at school.

__________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: Mom, you can’t vote for Hillary. She wants to sell guns to Mexico. You need to vote for Clinton because he wants to build a wall to keep the killer clowns out.

__________

A mom and her teenage son were eating lunch after a doctor appointment. They were discussing his injury and what the doctors said. The son got quiet and looked thoughtful for a long stretch. She thought he must be thinking through everything related to his injury.

Son: Mom, I really want a pet chicken.

__________

Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

The girls had some friends over. They were collecting rolly pollies in a bowl in our backyard.

Kate: This one is totally a boy. Look at that little thing dragging.

___________

Me: Girls! Good song! Jack and Diane. Do you know who sings this song?

Emma: No.

Me: John Mellencamp. But his name used to be John Cougar.

Emma: What? People can change their name?

Me: Yes, but I’m not sure if it was a real name change or if it’s a stage name because he’s a singer. But yes, you can change your name if you want. It’s probably a pain.

Emma: So I can change my name?

Me: I’m sure when you’re 18 or something, if you wanted to change your legal name, you can.

Emma: So I can change it to Kate PicksHerNose Burton?

___________

I dropped the girls off at school in the morning.

Me: Emma, don’t forget I’m pulling you out of school early for your orthodontist appointment.

Emma: Ok.

Kate: WHAT?!

Me: Knock it off, Kate. She has a doctor’s appointment.

Kate: (Slams door. Stomps on sidewalk. Turns around and glares at me as I drive away, sticks tongue out at me)

___________

Me: Kate, do you want to hold William? (The girls’ newest baby cousin)

Kate: I already held him once, a long time ago.

___________

Me: Kate, your bruise on your eye looks like it hurts.

Kate: Nah, only when I blink.

___________

I painted the girls’ toenails.

Me: Kate, you have your daddy’s toes.

Kate: Good.

___________

Me: Oh, Emma. I think your sports bra shrunk?

Kate: I’ll take it!

Me: You don’t need a sports bra.

___________

Emma: MOM! Kate is raising her eyebrows at herself in the mirror and she’s only wearing a sports bra!

___________

In the car.

Me: Girls, daddy said to meet us out for dinner. Where do you want to go?

Emma: Not anywhere with food. My stomach hurts.

___________

Kate: So when we going to Costa Rica?

Scott: What? Who told you anything about Costa Rica?

Kate: No one. Just sounds fun. Can we go?

___________

In the car.

Me: UGH! Girls! Rule number one when you drive: don’t be a slow driver. People will yell at you TO HURRY UP! FASTER, CAR! This is so dangerous. They are so dangerous, girls. WHO DRIVES 50 MILES PER HOUR ON A HIGHWAY!

Kate: Are you telling us you want us to drive with a lead foot?

___________

Me: Kate, will you feed the dogs?

Kate: Emma needs to learn how to be responsible.

___________

Kate: Mom, I accidentally brought my iPod to school.

Me: Uh oh. Did you keep it in your backpack?

Kate: Yeah, I just kept it in there since we’re not allowed to have them.

Me: Oh, ok. Good.

Kate: But then we were taking a test and it was all quiet and my Crossy Road game beeped at me to start playing Crossy Road. And I was like, “uh, hope no one heard my Crossy Road in my backpack.”

___________

The girls baked Scott a cookie cake before he arrived home from Colorado.

Emma: I’ll put on frosting.

Kate: And then we’ll save it for Sunday, when gets back. We can eat it after Daddy see it.

Emma: Well, Kate. Maybe we can take a picture of it and start eating it tonight.

Kate: And maybe save him one slice? Yeah, let’s do that. Take a picture, Mom.

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___________

It was the weekend Scott was in Colorado. I was watching a movie in my bedroom on a Friday night. The girls asked if they could hang out with friends on our front patio with the lights on. I told them it was ok with me. I heard Kate rummaging around the kitchen. The front door opened.

Kate: COCKTAILS! (slams door)

I ran out to the front patio. Kate has a tray of drinks.

Kate: Crushed or cubed?

Me: What are doing?

Kate: Handing out waters.

___________

Emma: Mom, can Kate and I ride our bikes to the pond?

Me: I guess. But watch for cars. Stop every time you cross the road and look both ways. Ok?

Emma: Got it.

The girls come home after about 45 minutes.

Me: Did you have fun? Wait, Kate where are your shoes?

Kate: Ha! Well, that’s funny. I didn’t even notice they were gone. I guess I forgot my shoes at the pond.

___________

Scott: Did you put on makeup?

Kate: Yes.

Me: It actually looks really good. Did one of your friends do it?

Kate: I did it.

Me: Really? It’s sorta amazing.

Kate: I’ve spent years watching you, Mom.

___________

Kate: These raspberries need something. Hmmmm, lime zest. Yes.

Me: Lime zest? Who uses lime zest?

Emma: Mom, she watches Food Network now. She thinks she’s on a show.

___________

Kate: When I get a car, I’m getting a Jeep.

Me: I can totally see you in a freaking Jeep.

Emma: What about me, mom?

Me: Cute, little two-door sportscar. That’s what I drove in college.

Emma: That sounds way warmer in the winter than a Jeep.

Me: You can put the cover back on a Jeep. It’s not open all the time.

Kate: Or just keep cover off, keep doors off and me wearing a winter coat when I drive.

___________

Scott: Uh, Kate just saw me in my underwear.

Me: So?

Scott: And she said “really, dad? Poking out? My friends are here.”

Me: Was it poking out?

Scott: No! Just normal, protruding I guess.

___________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

My niece, Gabby (4), was at my house.

Gabby: Why does Emma have braces?

Me: To straighten her teeth.

Gabby: Oh, were they curly?

___________

Our friend, Hunter, came over to help Scott plant a tree. He brought his daughter, Mikaela (3).

Mikaela: What’s your name?

Me: You know my name! Julie.

Mikaela: I don’t think I like that name.

Me: Me either.

Mikaela: What’s Scott’s name?

___________

Mikaela: What are you doing, Julie?

Me: Talking to your dad and Scott out my window. See them?

Mikaela: I don’t really care what my dad says.

___________

Mikaela: What are you going?

Me: Now I’m doing laundry.

Mikaela: My dad never does this.

___________

Kid, 4: Does “playground” start with “ice cream”?

___________

The family dog was pooping in the backyard.

Kid, 6: I sure hope a mole doesn’t go up his butthole.

___________

Kid, 6: Hey mom! Did you know Abraham Lincoln would have lived longer if he hadn’t gotten shot in the head?

___________

Kid, 20 months: (grabs his mom’s boob) Ooo! Ball!

___________

Kid, 4: If mom and dad die, will Mamaw and Papaw take care of us?

Kid, 5: Uh, no. Thor and Elsa will.

___________

Kid, 4: (smacks little brother on the arm)

Dad: Why did you do that?

Kid, 4: Satan made me do it.

_________

Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Me: Girls! I got an email from your new teachers with the class list!

Emma: Let me see that! YES! I got the teacher that lets us chew gum!

Kate: Ugh. The boy who has a crush on me is in my class again.

__________

Emma: Look at that sunbeam! Pretty!

Kate: Can you imagine if that were over our house? I’d be like “woo-hoo! Disco par-taaaay”

__________

Kate: Will you help me pull on my swimsuit?

Me: Sure.

Kate: I can’t be showing my little boobies with my little nipples. They’re so tiny! Ugh.

__________

Kate: I haven’t coughed in a long time.

__________

Me: Do you girls want hot lunch tomorrow? It’s walking tacos.

Emma: What’s that?

Me: You know, a Fritos bag with taco meat, lettuce, cheese….

Kate: Don’t you know by now that I hate cheese? COLD LUNCH.

__________

Me: Scott, will you make their cold lunches? I’m already sick of it.

Scott: Tell them they need to eat hot lunch then. You’re the parent.

Me: Oh, ok. You tell them that, parent.

Scott: GIRLS! COME DOWN HERE!

Emma and Kate: Yeah, dad?

Scott: You’re having hot lunch tomorrow.

Kate: NO!

Emma: DAD, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TERRIBLE IT IS! NO, DAD, NO! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US! I’LL STARVE DAD!

Kate: (rolling on the floor, pulling her hair) I HATE HOT LUNCH! I’M THE LAST ONE TO EAT AND I’LL STARVE TO DEATH. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, DADDY!

Scott: Fine, I’ll make you cold lunch.

__________

Nana: Grandma couldn’t come out to eat with us because her legs hurt her today.

Kate: She must be growing.

__________

Kate is struggling in math. She failed her timed addition/subtraction test twice.

Me: Kate, I know you don’t have homework but we need to practice math flashcards.

Kate: Why? I don’t have a test tomorrow.

__________

Scott, the kids, and I were playing a family board game. One person holds up a card with a word on their forehead. The family acts out the word while the person tries to guess what the word is. Scott held up “popping champagne.”

Me: Oh! Ok. (I act like I’m holding a champagne bottle cork and I make an exploding sound and point to the cork flying)

Scott: I don’t know? A bomb? What are you doing?

Emma: I got it. (Squats on the floor, makes a fart noise with her mouth. Then she makes a “Oo-Oo-Ah-Ah” monkey noise)

Scott: Times up. What are you guys doing?

Emma: Pooping chimpanzee!

Me: EMMA! It’s popping champagne, not pooping chimpanzee!!

Emma: Oh.

__________

Emma: Kate! What are you wearing? You’re wearing mom’s big emerald earrings to your yearbook picture? Those are WAY too big.

Kate: Gotta deal with it, Emma.

__________

I brought the girls home from school. Kate had to wear purple and Emma had to wear orange for a school picture.

Me: Emma, why did you change your shirt so fast?

Emma: I don’t like wearing an orange shirt with blue shorts. I feel like people think I’m a Broncos fan.

__________

Kate: Mom, would you rather eat the worst food in the world or tell me all the answers to my math test?

__________

Emma: Can we go to Dairy Queen?

Scott: Why Dairy Queen when Sweet Caroline’s has better ice cream?

Emma: Two reasons. One, Kate hates Dairy Queen. Two, I love Dairy Queen.

__________

The girls were getting ready to go to the movies with their Nana and Papa.

Me: Do you want a light jacket?

Kate: Huh? Why?

Me: Sometimes it gets cold in movie theaters.

Kate: Oh. Nah. I’ll just sit on Nana’s lap. She’s always warm.

__________

Later that evening,

Scott: Did you guys like the movie?

Nana: Yeah, I liked it.

Emma: I liked it too.

Papa: It was a good movie!

Kate: Ha! Papa. I forgot you went with us.

__________

Kate: When is Penny’s birthday? (Penny is Kate’s rescue cat)

Me: Um, I think they guessed November of 2013.

Kate: I say November 4th.

Me: What about November 1st?

Kate: November 4th is her golden birthday this year and she’ll get double the presents.

Me: Oh, I didn’t know we’re supposed to get her presents.

Kate: She would like cat nip and cat toys.

__________

Kate: 11 more years until I get my tattoo! YAY!

__________

Text message to Emma: Hey Emma, you two need to brush your teeth and floss. No snacks but you can have water. Dad will be here at 9:30 to kiss you goodnight.

Text message from Emma: Ok, I texted Kate. I said hurry up and brush your teeth butthead. No snacks but you can have water. Move your butt off the couch and do as ME and MOM said!! Go! Guess what she texted back with?

Me: What?

Emma: Who cares. (smiley face)

Me: WHAT!

Emma: I know right, such a butthead.

__________

I took Kate out for sushi while Emma hunted with Scott.

Me: You want to just eat at the bar?

Kate: Sure. I love sitting at the bar. So much quicker.

Bartender: Can you get you ladies something to drink?

Me: I think I’ll have…

Kate: Shirley Temple. Extra cherry sauce.

__________

Kate: Can we get sushi?

Me: No, we had sushi last night.

Kate: Please?

Me: No. How are you still hungry. We just ate.

Kate: (walks outside. Ten minutes later, she pokes her head in the door) I called Nana! Nana is taking me to get sushi! Waiting outside! Bye, mom!

__________

We were at our neighbors’ house, hanging out around the fire pit. I walked inside the house to check on the girls.

Me: You guys ok down here? Kate you look tired.

Kate: (bloodshot eyes) Mom, I think I drank the wrong Sprite. I think I had adult Sprite.

Me: WHAT. KATE. I’m going to get you some water and you are ONLY to drink this water. Do not pick up anyone’s drink.

(I walk outside and tell Scott what happened)

The next morning.

Scott: I heard you drank adult Sprite last night. Did you like it?

Kate: (shrugs shoulders) It wasn’t bad.

__________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: Mom, can you please throw my baby sister away?

__________

Son: Mom, how do you know everyone in town?

Mom: What do you mean?

Son: When we’re driving you talk to people like Mr. Asshole in the truck and Miss Cadillac in her fancy car.

__________

A Budweiser commercial appeared on TV.

Son: Butt-weiser? Hey mom!

Mom: Yes?

Son: I know why I scratch my butt a lot. Because a mosquito bit my butt.

__________

A mom tucked her 5-year-old daughter into bed. She sang Big Bang Theory’s “soft kitty” and kissed her daughter on the face. Her daughter reached up and squeezed her boob.

Mom: (laughing) What are you doing?

Daughter: What is that big black thing? (The mom was wearing a black shirt and the lights were dim, making a shadow on her boobs)

Mom: It’s my boob. (she leaned toward the light to show her)

Daughter: Why are they so fat?

Mom: (laughing) When you get older, they get bigger.

The next day…

Daughter (to her mom’s male cousin): Did you know my mom’s boobs are really fat?

__________

Grandma (to 10-year-old granddaughter): Can you hold my hand to cross the street or is that not cool?

Granddaughter: It’s ok. I don’t know anybody in this town.

__________

2-year-old: Pentagon, pentagon.

Mom: Do you see a pentagon? Do you know how many sides a pentagon has?

2-year-old: Two eyes.

__________

Daughter: Did you know that when babies are born, they have a long cord thingy sticking out of their belly button?

Mom: Yes, they do.

Daughter: That’s how the baby eats. Did you know that?

Me: Yes, do you know what that long cord thingy is called?

Daughter: Neutering.

_________

Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Kate: Daddy, why do you make mommy pay for everything?

Scott: What?

Kate: Every time we go out to eat, she always pays with her credit card. I think you need to pay sometimes too.

__________

Kate: Look at that! Take a picture of that! That sign says wine.

__________

On our family vacation, Emma fainted due to dehydration. Scott and Kate were granted permission to join Emma and me in the hospital room.

Kate: UGH! I had to pee three times in the waiting room because daddy keeps making me chug water like I’m Emma or something.

__________

Emma: The back of this menu says, “All the sand between your toes take out all the troubles and the woes.”

Kate: HA! Unless you faint before you get to the sand.

__________

Kate changed into her swimsuit in front of me. She dropped her pants and underwear to her feet.

Kate: Don’t you be putting my business on Facebook.

Me: I would never put that on Facebook, Kate.

Kate: Or Instagram.

__________

I took the girls shopping in Florida.

Me: Look at these necklaces, girls. So cute.

Kate: HA! Emma – look. That necklace says, “Shell yeah.” You know – like hell yeah.

__________

Me: Girls! Wave at the people on the boat! They’re waving!

Kate: I don’t wave to people I don’t know.

__________

Kate: I can’t wait to leave Florida! NOT!

Scott: Not? Where did you learn that?

Kate: I made it up.

Me: No, you didn’t.

Kate: NOT!

__________

We were swimming at our friend’s house in Florida.

Rob: What time do you girls go to bed?

Kate: 9!

Emma: No, Kate. We go to bed way after 9. Why would you say that, Kate?

__________

Emma: Will you download Music.ly on my iPod?

Me: Well, only if you are friends with people you know in real life. Do your friends have this back in Kansas? I’ve never heard of it.

Emma: They do. I actually knew about Music.ly but I didn’t think you’d understand.

__________

Me: Emma? Kate? Where are you ?

Emma: We’re in Kylee’s room!

Me: Oh. Hey what are you guys doing in here?

Kylee: I’m trying to figure out a name for my fart since Kate’s is Bob.

Me: What.

Kate: Say hi to Bob. (farts)

__________

Emma and Kate were done with art camp. They received free t-shirts on the last day.

Me: Oh, these shirts are cute! Everyone signed it on the back! Aw!

(I turn the shirt around and see Emma’s signature on Kate’s shirt – “You are a butthead. Love, Emma.”

__________

Kate had some friends over. I overheard them talking.

Friend 1: My mom doesn’t fart.

Friend 2: My mom doesn’t either!

Kate: Well, MY MOM FARTS. All the time.

__________

IMG_3345

_________

Emma: Will you make us pancakes?

Me: What about waffles?

Emma: Nah.

Me: Doesn’t a big, fat Belgian waffle sound good? Buttery…syrup in holes.

Emma: Fine. Pancakes today and waffles tomorrow.

__________

I drove Kate to gymnastics. She had a stuffy nose.

Me: OH MY GOSH. KATE. THAT SMELLS SO BAD.

Kate: Now I’m mad because I can’t smell my own farts.

_________

Kate walked in the room.

Me: Why do you look guilty?

Kate: Uh, don’t know what that means. (walks out of the room)

__________

Kate: Cool means “I don’t care” in my language. Tell me something.

Me: I love you, Kate.

Kate: Cool.

__________

Emma and Kate were talking about something in the car.

Kate: FREAK YEAH, EMMA!

__________

Kate: I don’t know why but I love staring at things.

__________

emmatext

_________

Emma: Something is at our front door. What’s this?

Me: Oh. A phone book. Throw it in recycling.

Emma: What’s a phone book?

Me: It’s a book with everyone’s landline phone numbers. We have the internet now so no one uses phone books anymore. I don’t even know why they still print them. What a waste of paper and ink.

Emma: So it’s like an antique or something? (Open phone book and starts reading it.)

__________

I opened my eyes to Kate staring at me in bed.

Me: What are you doing?

Kate: I’m not getting out of your stinky breath until you ask Nana if we can come over.

__________

Me: Hey, Emma. Do you want the rest of this donut?

Emma: No.

Me: Really?

Emma: Well maybe. Just put it in front of me and I’ll think about it.

_________

Special Edition: Oh kids.

I was at my friend’s house with the kids.

Christine: STOP SLAMMING THE DOORS! (runs upstairs, then comes back down)

Me: Is it Emma and Kate?

Christine: No. It’s just chaos.

Kid (listening on the couch): Chaos? Oh, I love chaos! (runs upstairs)

_________

Mom: Look at that guy mowing the lawn, kids! He’s mowing perfectly straight lines.

Kids: Wow. Those are perfect.

Mom: Can you smell that fresh grass smell?

Kid: Nope, that’s just my fart.

_________

Kid: SHUT UP!

Mom: Did you just say ‘shut up?’

Kid: No. My barbie did.

_________

Kid: Siri, please make the TV work. Siri, PLEASE MAKE THE TV WORK.

Mom: She can’t make the TV work, she is just a computer voice.

Kid: Oh ok, got it. Siri, can you please make Netflix work on the computer?

_________

Kid: Mom, someday when you get a lot of money, you could buy a cookie dough shop. If you do, I might buy some from you because I like cookie dough.

_________

Kid, 5: Mom, does your baby inside you have a uterus yet?

Mom: Um, yes. Wait, how do you even know about uteruses?

Kid, 3: Yay mom! Give me a high five!

_________

Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

 

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Greetings from the Florida Keys! 

We landed on the shores of Duck Key, Florida for part 1 of our vacation. 

Not even two minutes after we checked in, I was high-tailing it with Emma in a screeching ambulance to Marathon Key’s hospital. Emma is ok. I’ll keep you in suspense on what happened until we get back. 

We’re only here for a few days then we’ll head somewhere else – location to be determined because I don’t know yet. 

I’m being vague. I’ll stop. 

Here is the latest Oh Emma, Oh Kate – a series of funny things Emma, (age 10) and Kate (age 7) say.

(I had to type this from my phone. Please excuse any format issues. Wifi is hard to find in the Keys.)

________

Me: Kate. Wiggle that tooth out!

Kate: NO!

Emma: Fine, Kate. Have little baby teeth white dots in your mouth when you’re an adult.

________

Me: Kate, let daddy pull your tooth with a string.

Kate: I trust no one.

Scott: I can do it fast. You won’t feel it.

Kate: I don’t trust you. You. You. and You.

Me: You said “you” 4 times.

Kate: You, daddy, Emma and the string. I trust no one.

________

 Me: DINNER TIME!

Kate: Ugh. Worst time.

________

I was playing 40s radio/big swing music one morning.

Kate: What is this? Sounds like a ferris wheel in here.

________

Me: Let’s put on sunscreen before we go to the pool!

Emma: Nah.

Me: Um, yes you will.

Kate: Don’t need it.

Me: Yes, you do. This is not for debate. You will wear sunscreen or no pool.

Kate: We really don’t care if we get burnt. I’m fine with being red and hurting all over.

________

Kate: I need a new purse for Florida.

Me: No, you don’t.

Kate: They make me look pretty.

Me: You’re already pretty.

Kate: I think I need two now.

Me: Why?

Kate: Because we’re there for a week, honey! (snaps)

________

Kate: I told my friend’s mom that my tooth is wiggly.

Me: Did she wiggle it?

Kate: No, why?

Me: No reason.

Kate: There has to be a reason for everything. Why did you ask that?

________

I was outside, writing on our patio.

Me: Hey Kate, will you run inside and get me some headphones?

Kate: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

________

Emma: Why are there school buses driving on the road when there’s no school?

Me: Oh, sometimes a church will use them. Or a camp. Anytime there’s a lot of kids, you can rent them.

Kate: So, like, if you had a 3rd kid?

________

Kate wanted me to come to her “salon” to get a pedicure.

Me: Hello miss! Thank you for squeezing me in, I am so…

Kate: No speak English.

________

Me: Shark week! YES! Let’s watch, girls.

Kate: I’m scared of sharks.

Me: Well, we live in Kansas so there’s nothing to be scared of.

Kate: Well, I’m a girl.

________

Emma: Mom, you know this song?

Me: Uh, yeah! Dave Matthews. I listened to him back when I was cool in late 90s and when I was in college.

Emma: So he’s probably dead now.

________

I went to a girls’ night with some of Scott’s co-workers. We were talking about Emma and Kate. I was in the middle of explaining that Kate is really shy around strangers and she’s only sassy around people she’s comfortable with.

Me: Oh, Kate is calling on FaceTime.

Women: Answer it! Let’s see what she says!

Me: Hello?

Kate: Daddy took us out for ice cream and we got you NONE. Nothing. No ice cream for you.

(Women giggle)

Me: What?! Now what are you doing?

Kate: Waiting for daddy to get out of his bubble bath.

(Women fall over laughing)

________

Me: First day of summer! You know what that means? We start losing light! Ah!

Emma: Perfect. I get more time for night swimming.

________

Kate names her farts “Bob.” She blew up a small balloon and wrote “Bob” on it.

Kate: Emma, do you want to play “don’t drop Bob on the floor?”

Me: Wait. Bob is a balloon now?

Kate: Bob is still my fart. He’s in the balloon now.

________

Kate: I wish funner was a word.

________

Kate: What do married people do if they don’t have kids? What do they do all day?

________

Me: Let’s go to Hobby Lobby and find a craft to make daddy for Father’s Day.

Emma: Yeah!

Kate: Can’t we just order something already made from Hobby Lobby?

________

Kate: Mom?

Me: Yes.

Kate: Back in your day, was there such thing as pets?

________

Emma: Why do you have so many candles and tiki torches out here when you write?

Me: There are lots of bugs.

Emma: Do they not like fire or something?

Kate: No one likes fire, Emma.

________

Kate: The moon looks like daddy’s toenail he picks off and flicks in the sky.

Me: Gross.

Emma: What are the stars, Kate?

Kate: His dead skin when it peels off.

________

We passed a rainbow flag on a building.

Emma: That’s a pretty flag.

Me: I think it’s a gay club.

Kate: What’s gay?

Me: When a boy dates a boy or when a girl dates a girl.

Emma: Well, I’m not going in there.

Me: You don’t have to be gay to go in. I’ve been in a few. They’re just people having fun. Or wait. Actually, I think it’s a drag queen place.

Kate: What’s a drag queen?

Me: When a man dresses up like a woman. They’re called drag queens. They usually perform a show.

Kate: So they dress up like girls to try to get more girls in there? Like to trick them?

________

We were at the doctor’s office for Emma. The doctor was talking to Emma. Kate was on my lap.

Kate: What’s that? (Pushes my face)

Me: Shhhhh. A zit. Quiet. Doctor is talking.

Kate: How did you pop it?

Me: My fingers. Stop it.

Kate: I want to pop a zit with my fingers.

________

Me: Let’s go to Quick Trip. I love their hot dogs.

Emma: I love their taquitos! (Spanish accent)

Kate: And I love their Doritos! (Spanish accent)

________

Emma: Ugh, you stink, Kate.

Kate: I wish I could smell it.

________

Me: What are you watching on Netflix?

Kate: Mako Mermaids.

Me: Huh? Mako Mermaid?

Kate: sssssss.

________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Please continue to follow our adventure in Florida!

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

I rented the movie Twister. There is a scene when the tornado picks up a cow and the cow “moos” in the air.

Kate: NO! THE COW! I don’t like this movie!

Me: It’s all acting and computers. It’s not real, Kate.

Emma: Kate, just pretend it’s a steak flying through the air.

__________

Waiter: What would you ladies like to drink this evening?

Emma: Sprite.

Kate: Shirley Temple.

Me: I’ll have a chardonnay.

Kate: Ha! Wino.

__________

Kate: Remember when I broke my leg?

Me: Yes.

Kate: I was a baby, how do you remember that?

__________

Me: Emma, I’m just going to drop you off at the door of your gymnastics since you’re late. Get out and go!

Emma: Hold on.

Me: No. GO! Now! We’re holding up a line now. Are you picking a scab?

Emma: Yeah, hold on.

Me: You are so gross. You are just like your dad. Hurry! Just go! And don’t flick the…

Emma: (flicked scab, opened door, and then left)

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In the car, after school.

Kate:  A girl gave the middle finger to two people today.

Emma: She did? Did she get in trouble?

Me: STOP. How do you know what the middle finger is?

Kate: People told me.

Me: What do you think it means?

Kate: A bunch of bad words put together.

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Kate: A KU player talked to our class in school.

Me: What’d you say?

Kate: Nothing.

Me: What’d you do?

Kate: (sighs) I gave him a thumbs down in the audience. We don’t like KU, right mom?

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Emma: Is the eye doctor going to dilate my eyes?

Me: I’m not sure. They did last time so maybe they won’t this time.

Kate: What does dilate mean?

Me: There’s a medicine, like eye drops, that doctors put in your eye to keep the pupil open when a light shines in. It’s so the doctor can see the back of the eye.

Emma: Ew, so you can see the back of my eye when they dilate them?

Me: Well, people can’t see just looking at your eye but I’m sure we could see using the correct instruments.

Kate: Like a piano?

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Kate and I waited for Emma in the waiting room at the eye doctor. The magazine I write for was next to us. I opened to one of the articles I wrote.

Me: Look.

Kate: What? Oh. By. Julie. Burton. Mommy, that’s you!

Me: Yeah, this is the magazine I write for.

Kate: WHAT?! Your name is in here!

Me: Yes, I write for them. I wrote this article.

Kate: YOU’RE FAMOUS!

Me: No, not famous. Just the writer. Writers get their name printed. It doesn’t mean they’re famous.

Kate: MY MOMMY IS FAMOUS!

Me: Shhhhh. People are looking. Stop it. Not famous. No one knows who I am.

(People stare at us)

Kate: (continued to flip through magazine) HERE IT IS AGAIN! BY JULIE BURTON. FAMOUS! TOLD YOU!

Me: Did you not realize after two years that I write for a magazine?

Kate: No, I didn’t know you write for a magazine. I didn’t know you’re famous. Can I take these home?

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Emma: Mom, can I have a sucker?

Me: (I grabbed a tissue with the sucker and made a “ghost” out of it) BOO!

Emma: (giggled and took the sucker)

Kate: Mom, look.

I looked at her. She held two tissue covered suckers at her chest, one in each hand.

Kate: BOOBIES!

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We built a bonfire with friends on Scott’s farm. Kate sat on my lap.

Kate: I have to go to the bathroom.

Me: Well, hold it. I’ve already squatted with you once.

Kate: Ok, I’ll hold my pee until it’s completely overflowing.

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Emma: So the vet said Penny weighs 9 pounds. How much does Belle weigh?

Me: Hm, I forgot. Go weigh yourself then weigh yourself again while you hold Belle.

Emma: Nah, I don’t need to know that bad. I don’t want to do the math.

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Me: Hey Scott, do you like my new bikini for vacation?

Scott: Yeah! Turn around. Yeah, that’s cute.

(I walked away)

Kate: DADDY JUST SAID YOUR BOOBS LOOK SMALL!

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Kate: How do you spell “head”?

Me: H-E-A-D.

Kate: Check your phone.

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Kate was emptying her backpack on the last day of school.

Me: Oh wait! Did you guys make Father’s Day gifts in school?

Kate: Yeah! I’ll go hide it.

Me: Oh, I love it when teachers do that! Father’s Day is overlooked.

Emma: Let me see it first, Kate. Hey mom, can we edit her spelling and sentence structure? This is all wrong.

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Me: Ok, daddy said he would bring us back dessert from the restaurant he’s at with his co-workers. What about sopapillas? It’s served with ice cream and coffee.

Kate: I’ll just take the coffee. You guys can have the rest.

Me: WHAT?!

Kate: Gotta deal with it. Just gotta. (snaps)

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We took the girls out to a restaurant. Scott mentioned to me that Trent Green (former KC Chiefs quarterback) was at the table behind Kate and me. I went to the bathroom and came back.

Me: Did you hear daddy say who is sitting behind us?

Kate: No, who?

Me: Trent Green. He used to play for the Chiefs. Quarterback. I think he was quarterback when Aunt Jessica was a cheerleader for them.

Kate: Oh. But does he know who we are?

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Kate made a “mom coupon” book for Mother’s Day.

Me: Hey, Kate will you help me put the dishes away?

Kate: Sure.

After Kate was in bed, I found my coupon book in the kitchen drawer with “help with dishes” ripped out and crumpled next to it. The next night…

Me: Hey, I forgot to ask you. Did you rip out one of my mom coupons last night?

Kate: Yes. You used it.

Me: (laughed) Fine. Go put your PJs on, please.

Kate: No! Good thing you don’t have a coupon for that one! Ba BAM! (snaps)

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Emma: It looks like the new neighbors moved in.

Kate: I saw them. They’re boys. Our age.

Me: I heard there were boys moving in. We should go say hi.

Kate: Boys on bikes with no shirts on. No shirt on at all. Just riding their bikes up and down the street with no shirts on.

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Kate: You know that metal in a pencil?

Me: Yeah.

Kate: Can you go on an airplane with that? I don’t want them to beep me.

Me: (laughed) Yes, you can go on with a pencil.

Emma: It’s like hard metal, Kate.

Kate: Like a sword?

Emma: More like a gun.

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I took the girls to Scott’s work. We were talking to our friend, Brittany, also one of Scott’s employees.

Brittany: Your dad is one of the smartest men I know. This stuff is so hard to learn.

Kate: Oh. Well, who’s your principal here? Maybe you can ask him?

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Emma: Can we use my telescope tonight to look at stars?

Me: Uhhhh, it looks like it’s too cloudy right now.

Emma: What about the front yard?

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Me: Girls, go pick up the Slip N Slide from the backyard. It will ruin the grass.

The girls pulled the Slip N Slide to the patio.

Kate: MOM! Look! There’s a worm! Ha! He’s doing the worm down the Slip N Slide.

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In the car.

Emma: So you have to be in the right lane to turn right? And the left lane to turn left? Is that how it goes?

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Special Edition: Oh Neighborhood Kids.

It’s summer. My front door is a turnstile of kids. I hear everything.

Kid: Miss Julie, do you mind if I pour my limeade back in your pitcher?

Me: What? Why?

Kid: It’s kinda gross and it taste like a lemon cookie or something. You don’t mind if I pour it back?

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Kid: Hey, can you text my mom something?

Me: Sure, what do you need?

Kid: Will you text her and ask if you can take us to the pool?

Me: Oh. I didn’t know I was going to the pool?

Kid: Well, I want you to ask my mom if you can go because I know they won’t take me.

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Kid: Those things are so loud. I touched the button once.

Me: Oh. The carbon monoxide button? It’s a tester button. But yeah, they’re loud because they have to be able to wake you if you’re sleeping and carbon monoxide is in your house.

Kid: And my dog will protect me.

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I lit a candle with a lighter.

Kid: Those make fire and it’s very dangerous.

Me: That’s true. That’s why I’m the only one lighting the candle.

Kid: Can we go light it in your car? I’ve always wanted to do that.

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Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

 

How to write about your child comedian.

There’s nothing special about my kids.

My kids are not the smartest kids. They weren’t born with those type of genetics. They are not athletic because the lazy gene runs strong in my family. They also know how to awkward dance and they don’t play instruments. I’m really killing the gene pool.

They’re also not the prettiest kids. I mean, they’re the prettiest to me but probably not to you.

“There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.”  Yeah, that’s it – the Chinese Proverb. That is why I don’t bombard you with pictures of my kids all over the Internet. I know my pretty kids are not your pretty kids. I don’t want to bore you.

I’m rambling. I’ll stop. I had a point here.

Ah, yes. The only thing special about my kids is that they’re funny.

Emma was two years old when I discovered the brilliantness spewing from her pretty mouth. Emma said something funny. I can’t remember what she said but I remember my response.

Me: Oh Emma, you’re such a comedian.

Emma: I don’t change colors, mommy!

I stared at her. I didn’t get it. I don’t change colors, mommy.

Emma stared back at me and laughed. She looked at her arm. She lifted her shirt and looked at her tummy.

Emma: I don’t change colors, mommy!

I got it. A chameleon! Emma thought I called her a chameleon – the reptile that changes colors. She didn’t know what a comedian was.

But I did. I gave birth to a comedian. She’s been spitting out solid gold for the past 8 years.

The difference between my funny kids and everyone else’s funny kids is nothing. My kids were not made from the loins of two stand-up comedians or even one stand-up comedian. I just happen to write about my kids on a public blog. The secret to writing about funny kids: it’s an art. 

It’s like photoshopping kids’ words.

I call it Oh Emma, Oh Kate. It’s a series of posts of the funny things my kids say. They can be a one-liner or a short conversation. I have over 75 Oh Emma, Oh Kate posts. I’m guessing approximately 20 quotes per post for a grand total of 1,500 quotes since 2010. You can read the most current Oh Emma, Oh Kate here and work your way back.

It’s not easy collecting them. It takes work and discipline. The result is worth it. I remembered the chameleon quote but I don’t remember anything else I wrote down when I go back and read old quotes I grabbed. I don’t even remember last week’s post. It’s like reading my kids’ quotes for the first time.

And that’s how I know they’re funny.

Your kids are funny too. I wrote a list to help parents start collecting quotes either for themselves or for publishing on social media. I’ve been publishing these for 6 years. My ears are always listening.

Your ears should be listening too.

Listen. Listen to your kids when they’re in the other room. Listen when they’re in the car. Always keep an ear out to what they’re saying. They say the best things when they don’t think you’re listening. It’s better if you hide and watch them slightly panic when they realize you’re gone. Don’t worry, they’ll always find you.

Talk. It’s ok to prompt them for a funny quote. Start a conversation about their opinion on, oh I don’t know, Trump vs. Clinton.

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Write it down. This might be the most important and most difficult to do. You will not remember what your kid said from the day. You won’t remember what they said ten minutes later. I realize I said my kids are not smart because of their genetics but I have a great memory. I promise you – you will forget. You will only remember that they said something funny but you won’t remember what. Trust me. I have to write it down as soon as I hear it. I write down quotes in the notes app in my phone. If I’m in the car or in a situation I can’t use my phone, I will repeat the few words in my head until I can write it down. You can also send them to me and I’ll screenshot them for later use.

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Always end quotes with the kid. This might apply more towards publishing humor. Any parent that publishes their kids’ quote to Facebook or Twitter is in publishing. The humor is the kids. Let the kids have the last word. Do not end the conversation with your comment or reaction. Let the reader feel your reaction for themselves.

4-year-olds are the best age. I wish I could send my kids back to age 4 for their quotes but then I remember I don’t like meltdowns either. My kids are 7 and 10. They still say funny things although it’s not as innocent as a 4-year-old. I still say funny things at 34 and I wish someone would write them down for me. Every age is a different era. School-age kids can be just as funny.

Use a two-laugh minimum. If I laughed out loud the first time, I write it down. When I read it later, after I forgot, and I laugh again – it’s probably good enough to publish and will make others laugh. I have deleted many things that felt like you-had-to-be-there.

Write how the kids talk. Tom Sawyer was a genius for writing Huck Finn in 1st person. It allowed him to write Huck’s distinctive, youthful voice. Your kids have a voice. They don’t speak perfect grammar and neither do you. Or me. Look at me. Writing all these half ass sentences. My English teachers are cringing.

 

Then again, maybe Scott and I are the only ones that laugh at our kids. All I know is how to save the humor like a photograph of a pretty kid.

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram. I promise I won’t bore you with pictures of my kids.