Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

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Me: Why are you so evil?

Kate: Must be genetic, MOM.

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Me: You jealous I saw Bruno Mars in Atlanta?

Kate: You jealous I saw Bruno Mars in Kansas City and he said, “Hey, Kansas Citaaaaayy!”

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Me: Were you guys hot or cold last night?

Emma: Hot.

Kate: Hot and cold.

Me: How can you be hot and cold?

Kate: I got hot but then I just put one leg outside the blankets.

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I chaperoned one of Kate’s field trips. It was at the Mahaffie Stagecoach Stop, a working farm where kids learn about 1860s Kansas and the trails to the west.

Employee: What did the kids do for fun on the Oregon trails? Remember they had to walk the whole way to Oregon.

Boy: Play on their iPads.

Employee: No, they couldn’t do that because they didn’t have….anyone?

Kate: WIFI!

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At Mahaffie Stagecoach Stop.

Employee: Welcome to the California Trail! You read in the newspaper that someone found a little bit of gold in the Sutter River in California! 2,000 miles away, a 4-month trip! Would you give up your home and drag your family to California for a tiny bit of gold?

Class: No!

Kate: YES!

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Me: Let’s go to the pumpkin patch!

Kate: I want to bring a friend with us.

Me: I’m your friend.

Kate: No, you’re my mom.

Me: Your friend too.

Kate: No, my mom.

Me: And friend.

Kate: No.

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I picked up Kate from school.

Me: Where did you get gum? Did your teacher let you have some?

Kate: My friend gave it to me at the end the day. Because, you know, it’s the end of the day and I’m outta here so the teacher can’t tell me no.

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Stella put her head on my chest while I was laying on the couch.

Kate: I think she wants milk.

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Me: Take a shower!

Emma: Nah, ponytail day tomorrow.

Kate: Good one, Emma! Ponytail day.

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Me: See, Kate? That’s it. The eye doctor is the easiest doctor you’ll see. No needles.

Eye doctor: Yep! Easy!

Kate: Hair cutter doctor is easy too.

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Kate: What are you doing?

Me: Watching our Uber Eats guy drive on the map.

Kate: What?

Me: You can see his car. Look.

Kate: No, I’m not a stalker like you.

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Me: Any other questions before you babysit Ethan?

Emma: So when he goes to bed, do I just sit in the corner of his room and watch him sleep?

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Me: Hey, do you two have any floss in your bathrooms? Can I borrow some?

Emma: I’m out.

Kate: No floss in my bathroom either.

Me: So what have you been flossing with?

Emma:

Kate: I have one string left for me tonight.

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Me: Your teacher gave you such a good report at conferences, Kate! You’re the kid that is friends with everyone!

Emma: Pssh. She’s not like that at home. She’s evil here.

Kate: One time I saw Emma’s name on a test and I crossed her name out.

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I took Kate out to eat at a restaurant while Scott and Emma hunted.

Me: You want guac, don’t you?

Kate: How did you know what I was thinking?

Me: I’m your mom and I always know what you’re thinking.

Kate: What am I thinking now?

Me: You’re thinking I don’t know what you’re thinking.

Kate: WRONG. I’m thinking of Eric Hosmer eating a taco. (KC Royals first baseman)

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Emma: Which celebrity do I look like?

Me: Probably anyone that looks like me.

Kate: I know! You know that one actress…she’s in that one movie…Oh! Yes! I remember! POOP!

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Emma: Who was your first concert, dad?

Scott: Smashing Pumpkins.

Emma: Play them.

Scott put on Smashing Pumpkins in the car.

Kate: WASTE OF MONEY!

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I put on Snoop Dogg. I start singing and dancing in the car.

Me: “Drop it like it’s hot….Drop it like it’s hot. When the pigs try to get at you…Park it like it’s hot…park it like it’s hot.”

Emma: Gross, mom. This sound so old.

Kate: You’re dying mom, face it.

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Me: Ok, looks like one of you will take your cousin Ben for Christmas. And one of you will take Lucy.

Kate: I CALL LUCY! I like her style of stealing Ben’s toys away on FaceTime.

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Me: Did you brush your teeth?

Emma: Yes, we both did.

Me: Floss?

Kate Who does that?

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Me: Hey, Emma? Can you pour me a little bit more wine?

Emma: Sure. Hey, wait, how do I open this?

Me: It’s already opened. Just pull the cork with your hands.

Emma: It’s not working!

Kate: Got it.

Kate walked over to Emma. Put the cork in her mouth and yanked. And then poured the wine.

Kate: You don’t pour a lot of wine in a glass, Emma. Just like a few inches. And there we go. Ready to serve!

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

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The after-fire commentary by Emma and Kate.

Day 11.

Over a third of the way done.

If you’re just now joining me, I am writing every day for the month of November. It’s called NaBloPoMo – National Blog Posting Month. I am a part of a writing group that calls it Nano Poplano because peppers sound better.

All you need to know is that I’m posting every day. I don’t plan the posts. I sit down when I figure out what I’m going to write about and I write.

Two days ago, I wrote about a 9-1-1 call I made. My toaster caught on fire. [If only the firefighters didn’t call me gluten free]

It’s the most popular post during this writing challenge so far. Writing a story like that is easy to me because the story wrote itself. If you re-read about that day, the only people that didn’t make an appearance were my children. My daughters, Emma and Kate, were at school at the time.

They’re making their appearance now.

The after-fire commentary by Emma and Kate Burton:

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Emma: Wake up, mom!

Me: Hey, boo. Will you turn on my coffeemaker? All you have to do is flip it on, I already set it up last night.

Emma: Yeah. Hopefully you didn’t screw that up and it catches fire too.

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Kate: So what happened when you dialed 9-1-1?

Me: Well, they ask what kind of emergency it is.

Kate: (high-pitched voice) Um, hi! My name is Julie Burton. And um, I, like, totally set my toaster on fire. I am a horrible cook. (laughs). Can a firefighter save me?

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Kate: I told my class you set our house on fire with a toaster.

Emma: I told all my friends too!

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Me: I wish you girls were here to see the firetruck. Here’s a picture.

Emma: No, mom. So embarrassing. The smoke alarms didn’t even go off.

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Emma: Can I have Eggos?

Me: Uh, no toaster.

Emma: Toast?

Me: What about bread and butter?

Emma: That is so disgusting. Who sets a toaster on fire?

Me: I didn’t do it on purpose! I’ll put a toaster on my birthday list.

Emma: Here, just buy one today and that’ll be my gift. Don’t make us wait that long for Eggos.

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Kate: Does dad know you called 9-1-1?

Me: Yes. I called and told him what happened. Why wouldn’t he?

Kate: I don’t know. Sounds like something you would tell us not to tell dad.

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Kate: I’m going to make biscuits for breakfast. Is that ok?

Me: Sure.

Kate: Don’t worry. I won’t burn the house down like you.

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Kate: Hey, Emma! Remember when mom set the house on fire with a toaster and the firefighters showed up without a smoke alarm?

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

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Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

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I asked Kate for my phone while we were walking through a parking lot. She handed the phone to me and it dropped. We both looked at the phone at our feet.

Kate: That’s your problem.

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Kate made a fake cast to wear. Emma signed the cast with “hope you feel worse.” For whatever reason, Kate left the cast on. I took the girls to downtown Kansas City. We sat in the KC Streetcar (like a bus). One of the employees walked down the aisle to make sure everyone felt welcome.

KC Streetcar employee: Oh no! A cast! What does that say there? Hope. you. feel. worse. Well that’s not nice.

Emma: (laughs)

Kate: (growls)

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Kate was in my shower.

Kate: HEY, MOM! YOU’RE OUT OF SOAP!

I walked in and grabbed Bath and Body Works “Vineyard” soap from under my sink.

Me: Here you go. Open the door.

Kate’s hand grabbed the soap and she shut the door.

I walked off.

Kate: SERIOUSLY, VINEYARD?!

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Emma takes the bus home from school. I passed her walking home on my way to pick up Kate. I rolled down my window.

Me: Hi, Emma! Do you want to ride with me to pick up Kate?

Emma: (takes a drink of water and spits it at my car) Nope.

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Scott: I’m going to kiss mommy right now, just to freak you two out.

Kate: Put your tongue in her mouth like you did at your wedding.

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One evening, I was outside on my patio with my computer, playing music. Kate walked outside and sat with me.

Kate: Put on Bruno Mars.

Me: No, I can’t write with Bruno Mars. I like this Spotify station. It’s called Relax and Unwind.

Kate: I’m taking away your wine.

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Kate: I have twins in my class.

Me: Aw, that’s cute. Are they boys or girls?

Kate: One boy and one girl. They don’t look alike.

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I woke up to Kate jumping on my bed.

Kate: Wakey, wakey! Eggs and Starbucks!

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Emma: MOM! Kate called me a butthead!

Kate: Uh, it’s called SARCASM!

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Kate: What should I be for Halloween?

Me: Be the Mother of Dragons from Game of Thrones. You can borrow my good wig.

Kate: No one knows who that is. I’ll have to tell my class with that wig on my head and say, “my parents watch this show.”

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I got a new calendar. I filled in the girls’ school activities through the year. I opened up May.

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Kate: I think I want to be the witch from Snow White.

Me: Good one! We can get you a basket of apples and….

Kate: Make Emma be Snow White so I can poison her.

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We took the girls to a popular sunflower farm near Lawrence, Kansas. Home of the Jayhawks. (A friendly reminder we are Kansas State Wildcat fans.) We ate at a restaurant in Lawrence for dinner.

Kate: I gotta go to the bathroom.

Me: Emma, will you take her?

Emma: Yeah.

The girls walked back to the table a few minutes later.

Emma: Kate said she wasn’t going to flush the toilet because she’s in Lawrence.

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Me: Scott, did you see Emma’s arm after the soccer game? Some girl from the opposite team dug her nails in her arm so bad she’s bleeding and now it’s bruising.

Kate: Ha! For once it wasn’t me.

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Kate went to the KC Royals game with some friends. Her friend’s parents drove her home.

Josie, Kate’s friend, told Kate she could rap. Josie starts rapping in the car.

Josie’s dad: Josie, that didn’t rhyme.

Josie: Yes, it did.

Kate: Just use the word “chicken.” Chicken rhymes with everything.

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I drove Kate to school.

Me: See how it’s all cloudy this morning? Kinda hazy?

Kate: Yeah.

Me: Those clouds are from Hurricane Irma.

Kate: They are?! Sounds like Hurricane Emma.

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Emma and Kate were fighting in the backseat of my car.

Kate: KNOCK IT OFF, EMMA!

Emma: I didn’t do anything, KATE!

Kate: You sound just like your mother.

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I took the girls to Panera for lunch. We were leaving when Emma said she needed to use the restroom. I told her to meet Kate and me outside when she was done.

Kate: Let’s just go. She can figure out how to walk home.

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Me: Kate, you’re trapped in an elevator. Which one person would you want trapped with you?

Kate: You.

Me: Me?

Kate: So you’re trapped too.

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Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Email me at: Jbugbytes@gmail.com if you want your child to be featured here! I only need first names and ages.

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Lane, 7: Hey dad, is it a good idea to light a fart on fire?

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Lane: Teeth are like torture for food.

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Lane (jumping into his mom’s car from a friend’s house, as she pulls away): Well, that felt like robbing a bank.

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

 

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

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I walked in the living room. Emma and Kate were watching Princess Diaries 2.

Me: Hey girls. Oh, I love this movie! Did you know Julie Andrews is Mary Poppins? (singing) Just a spoon full of sugar helps the….

Kate: Princess Mia is 21 and she can drink wine now.

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Me: Don’t put a lot of salt on your food, please.

Emma: That’s your own opinion.

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We took the girls to an outdoor concert in Minnesota. Kate followed me to the port-a-potty. I used the handicapped stall so we could both fit inside. I didn’t want her waiting outside in the dark by herself.

Me: Here, hold my wine glass.

Kate: Ok.

Me: And here.

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket. Kate “cheers” the wine glass to my phone.

Me: Hold my phone too.

Kate: Oh, I thought you wanted to cheers.

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Scott: LET’S GO, KATE! WHAT’S TAKING YOU SO LONG?

Kate: Knock it off, mommy’s teenage son.

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Kate: Can I make lunch?

Me: Sure. We have mac and cheese, sandwiches, and ….

Kate: Blah blah blah.

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Emma: KATE! Oh, my gosh! I think there’s a rat in your room!

Kate: WHAT!

Emma: Oh, wait. It’s you.

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Scott: You can never have boyfriends, Kate and Emma.

Emma: Neither can you, dad.

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Me: Let me pull that tooth out, Kate. It’s just hanging there.

Kate: No! I’m going to pull your teeth when they fall out!

Me: Mine already fell out. I have adult teeth.

Kate: I mean when you’re an old granny.

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Kate: Where did you go?

Me: I did a workout class with Cody.

Kate: Did Cody make it funner?

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In a crowded grocery store aisle.

Kate: Oooooo!! MOM! Remember these things?! Sooo good!

I took the margarita mix out of her hands and put it back on the shelf.

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Me: You better not be texting boys on your iPod, Emma.

Kate: I have a boy I text.

Emma: What?!

Kate: Papa’s my boy.

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I tried on a new shirt in front of Kate. I was checking out my backside in a mirror.

Kate: NOT cute on the back.

Me: What?

Kate: Just my opinion.

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Scott, Kate and I went shopping at Nordstrom for their Anniversary Sale.

I took Kate to the kids section while Scott shopped in the mens. I checked out at the register.

Saleslady: These socks are nice colors.

Me: Oh. My husband picked those out for himself downstairs. He’s down there now.

Saleslady: Such a good deal too.

Me: Yeah, he’s good at finding deals.

Saleslady: These jeans are adorable.

Me: For my other daughter. She’s not here.

Saleslady: And I’m guessing these are for you, young lady?

Kate: Yeah.

Saleslady: And what about you? The whole family got something but you!

Kate: HERS IS COMING IN THE MAIL. SHE SPENT ALL DAY SHOPPING YOUR SALE ONLINE.

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Kate walked in my writing room with one of my expensive charcoal facial masks smeared all over face.

Me: KATE! HEY! Is that my charcoal mask?! Those are so expensive! You need to ask me before you go through my face stuff.

Kate: (lips not moving because the mask hardened) Don’t make me laugh.

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My in-laws were driving the girls somewhere.

Nana: People with food allergies are getting bad nowadays, huh? Even Southwest Airlines won’t serve peanuts if someone is allergic to them.

Kate: Maybe those people need to think about driving to their place.

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Scott, Emma, Kate and I were driving in the car.

Emma: Can we go to Winstead’s? I love their shakes.

Scott: No.

Kate: Mom, you don’t have to let dad decide. You’re the mom, you know.

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Emma knocked down Kate’s hula hoop.

Kate: HEY! Dad! She knocked down my hula hoop!

Scott: Then defend yourself, Kate. Hit her back!

Me: SCOTT. Don’t tell Kate that! She’s going to …

Kate hit Emma.

Emma: OW! I’M TELLING NANA AND PAPA HOW YOU’RE PARENTING, DAD!

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In the car.

Emma: Stop smiling, Kate. It’s annoying me.

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Kate: Can I have a Luden’s? My throat hurts.

Me: Ok, but your friends can’t come back over.

Kate: What?! Why?

Me: If you’re throat hurts, that tells me you’re sick. I wouldn’t want your friends to catch something contagious from you.

Kate: (swallows) Just checking. Yeah, my throat doesn’t hurt anymore. Weird.

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Special Edition: Oh, kids

Lane, 2nd grade: Has anyone ever told you that a candy cane looks like a crow bar?

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Lane: Wyatt, rain is just God sweating.

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Gabby, kindergarten: You can call me Cicada now.

Me: Like, the bug?

Gabby: Yes. That’s my name now. Cicada.

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Me: Goodnight, girls!

Savannah, preschool: But I want to talk about booties.

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Colton, 1st grade: I remember when Stella was a puppy!

Me: Aw, I know! She was so little!

Colton: She was tinier than my sister’s head.

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Evelyn, preschool: Can I watch Sofia on your TV?

Me: Well, the TV isn’t working.

Evelyn: Maybe it’s dead and it needs to be charged.

_____________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

_____________

Me: It’s 9:00! Go to bed!

Kate: Mom, it’s 8:49.

Emma: Yeah mom, stop rounding.

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Kate: Wait, a minute. Are you writing down what I’m saying?

Me: Yes.

Kate: Write to the people that I said you have a big butt.

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Kate: Happy New Day’s Eve!

Me: What?

Kate: Every day is New Day’s Eve.

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Kate: Can you imagine the first person to eat an egg?

Me: Yeah, can you imagine someone saying, “I should eat that thing sliding out of a chicken’s butt.

Kate: What?!

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Emma: MOM! I picked off a scab where Kate scratched me and now I’m bleeding again and basically this is all Kate’s fault and needs to be grounded again.

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Kate: My temperature is 89.1.

Me: That’s low. Pretty sure you’d be dead. That’s not right.

Kate: I put it on my chest.

Me: Well those kind of thermometers need to be put inside your body – like under your tongue. Or up your butt.

Kate: Butt?

Me: Sometimes they do that for babies since they can’t hold a thermometer under their tongue.

Kate: What about poking inside the eye?

Me: It’s placed somewhere in your body that wouldn’t hurt, crazy.

Kate: So putting things up your butt doesn’t hurt?

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Kate: What was your first job?

Me: I worked at a daycare.

Kate: Yeah right.

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Leaving for the pool.

Me: Anyone need to pee before we go?

Kate: Nah, I’ll just go in the pool.

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Hostess: If you can follow me, your table is ready.

Kate: I’d rather just sit at the bar.

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Me: STOP. FIGHTING! Kate! Stop being bossy. I’m going to start calling you momma bear!

Kate: Stop it, mom! I’m going to start calling you mommy bear don’t care!

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Me: Girls, today is the first day of summer!

Kate: It is?

Me: Yep, longest day of the year.

Kate: In real life?

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I asked Emma and Kate the same question, but separately. They didn’t hear each other’s answers.

Me: So who’s the cutest boy in your grade?

Emma: Ugh, mom. They’re all so annoying.

Me: So who’s the cutest boy in your grade?

Kate: Why are YOU askin’?

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Emma: Mom! Kate’s being rude to the neighborhood kids!

Me: What did she do?

Emma: She said we live in the biggest house on the street and she’s making people feel bad.

Me: KATE! GET IN HERE! NOW! Kate, you watch your mouth. Stop saying we live in the biggest house on the street. One – it’s not true. Two – Stop saying things like that. How would you feel if someone said that to you?

Kate: Sorry. The words just come out of my mouth.

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Emma walked in the kitchen.

Me: Hm, I don’t think Kate will like my dinner tonight.

Emma: Looks good to me. Who cares? The kid will survive.

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Kate had a friend over.

Friend: What’s this?

Kate: That’s a National Geographic Kids book. My mom gets free stuff from them because she writes for them. They’re in Washington, DC.

Friend: Where’s Washington, DC?

Kate: (points) Like, way over there or something.

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At Target with Kate.

Kate: I need a new bikini.

Me: You have a lot of swimsuits! No, you don’t.

Kate: Only one bikini.

Me: You’ll have to ask your dad about that one.

Kate: He won’t understand. He’s a boy.

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Kate rambled something.

Me: Sorry, I was reading something. What did you say?

Kate: Don’t make me waste my voice again.

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Kate: Emma has lipstick on!

Me: I don’t care.

Emma: Kate, you wear lipstick too!

Kate: No, I don’t. DON’T make me raise my voice at you, Emma!

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Me: Ready for math camp next week, Emma?

Emma: Ugh, I don’t know why you’re making me do this.

Me: Because your teacher highly suggested it before middle school. I put you in the same week as one of your friends. I figured you’d have a funner time.

Emma: Funner is not a word, WRITER.

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I was working on an article for SimplyKC magazine. Kate walked in my writing room.

Me: Hey, this is a work day for me. You need to get out of here.

Kate: Sorry. Can’t. I’m not old enough to leave the house on my own.

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Me: Oh my gosh, girls. 105 heat index today.

Kate: No wonder I’m so hot! I thought it was my shirt.

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I took the girls out to get things for our upcoming road trip to Minnesota. I pulled up to the library.

Emma: Can we stay in the car?

Me: No. It’s too hot. And I need you two to pick out some library books here for our road trip.

Emma: I thought we were going to Barnes and Noble.

Me: We are because I need to get something from there. You’re going to get books from the library. It’s free here.

Kate: But everything in life is free to me and Emma.

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There’s a new grocery store in our part of town. I took the girls in to check it out on the first day. A lady handed Emma a store map. Emma opened the map.

Emma: We are here. And this is where mom made us follow her into the exit door because she doesn’t read signs.

 

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Oh Kids: Nieces Edition. 

I put sunscreen on myself before I got my nieces ready for the pool.

Evelyn, 4: You smell like swim lessons.

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I took my nieces to the library. I let them walk around the kids’ section with other kids playing.

Kid: Is that your sister?

Evelyn, 4: Yes, her name is June.

Kid: Oh.

Evelyn: You should say hi to her.

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Me: Do you take naps with your nana, Evelyn?

Evelyn: No, I don’t take naps.

Me: Oh. Hm, are you lying to me?

Evelyn: No.

Me: I’m going to ask your nana.

Evelyn: But you can’t ask her because she doesn’t lie.

_____________

 

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

__________

Kate: Do you have a bra on?

Me: No.

Kate: Good.

__________

Emma had a friend over.

Elle: HEY! I NEED TOILET PAPER!

Emma: Just shake it off and let’s go!

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I was driving the girls somewhere.

Kate: Telling dad you turned on a red light.

Me: You can turn right on a red light after a stop.

Kate: Oh. Still telling him.

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After school.

Me: Hey, where did you get that band-aid on your toe?

Kate: School.

Me: What happened?

Kate: Nurse said it’s infected and I told her YOU yanked off my hangnail this morning. It was all YOU.

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Kate: One time, I told the school nurse my throat hurt so she gave me a cough drop. I told her one time I asked you for a Luden’s cough drop and you took one too. And then I told the nurse that your throat didn’t even hurt, you just ate the Luden’s cough drop and told me not to tell dad.

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Emma opened presents on her birthday.

Emma: A magic 8 ball? What’s that?

Me: You ask it questions and you shake it and then it will tell you the answer.

Kate: So like Siri but better.

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Me: Emma, help Kate write her birthday thank you notes, please.

Emma: Ok, Kate. After you write “to,” write “thank you” and then whatever gift they gave you. Then write, “Love, Kate.” And then write “this friendship is OVER.”

Me: EMMA!

Emma: What? It would be hilarious.

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Me: Your hair is a mess.

Kate: Thank you for telling me that. How sweet a mother you are.

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Kate and I were waiting in line at Chipotle. The line was long.

Kate: Hey, mom.

Me: Yeah.

Kate: I bet you we could cut in this line.

Me: We’re not doing that.

Kate: I know. But I bet we could.

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Kate: I wish sunset was a color.

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Kate jumped in my bed. She grabbed my boob.

Me: KATE! Stop!

Kate: What? I saw you playing with daddy’s nipple in bed.

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Emma dropped a piece of food.

Emma: 5 second rule!

Kate: Chloe and I have a 30 second rule.

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Me: Hey, Kate. Come here. I can’t see my back. Is this a tick?

Kate: Hm. No. It’s like red and it has a white nipple in the middle.

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In the car.

Me: Ready for your soccer game, Emma? Do you have your soccer ball for warm ups?

Emma: I don’t know where it is. So yeah.

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I picked up the girls from school.

Emma: MOM!

Me: Oh God.

Emma: MOM! Kate and her SQUAD. Kate’s the leader, by the way. Kate and her SQUAD sat on the sideline of my soccer game during PE.

Me: How did she sit in on your PE?

Emma: We played outdoor soccer and Kate had recess the same time. Every time I got the ball, her and her squad chanted “BOO! EM-MA!”

Me: KATE!

Kate: Mom. I don’t have a squad.

__________

Kate’s teacher emailed me.

Kate’s teacher: By the way, Kate’s hair is totally cute today. I told her I love her braid and she whips it off and says, “thanks. It’s fake but still cute.”

__________

I took Kate grocery shopping. We passed the pre-packaged Rice Krispies.

Kate: One time, at school, I found one of those Rice Krispies in my lunch and I thought I didn’t like it. But I tried it and liked it and I was like, “Mommy, why you holding out this long?”

__________

Kate: I was at gymnastics today and they played your song, mommy!

Me: What song?

Kate: Bruno Mars! 24 Karat Magic. I was like, “UGH! MOMMY!”

__________

Me: Hey, Kate. Go tell Emma to come down here.

Kate: Can I yell?

Me: No. Go get her.

Kate: Is daddy here?

Me: No.

Kate: EMMMMMM-MMMMMMMAAAAA!

__________

Me: Kate, are you wearing Emma’s PJs? She’s going to be mad when she gets home.

Kate: Well, Emma is just going to have to deal with it.

__________

Me: How are both of you already tanner than me? I’m the half Mexican here.

Emma: Then maybe you should stop sending us outside all the time.

__________

Emma: Mom, look. It’s a swimsuit.

FullSizeRender.jpg

Kate: Yeah a swimsuit with a ….

I glared at Kate, waiting for her to finish.

Kate: What daddy has.

__________

Scott: No one listens to me in this family. If I were to say “the earth is round” one of you would disagree.

Emma: Actually, the earth’s atmosphere isn’t perfectly round.

__________

I’ve been helping my sister, Jenna, these past few weeks with watching her two daughters, Evelyn (4) and June (2). Aunt Jules is always listening.

Me: Where’s Evelyn? I’m ready to take her.

Jenna: Pooping.

Me: Oh, I’ll wait.

Jenna: I shut the door to the bathroom and she told me to leave it open.

Me: What?

Jenna: She said she wants you to see her pooping as soon as you walk in.

__________

Evelyn: You look 40. Are you 40?

Scott: I feel 40 but no, not 40. Next time you see me I’ll drink from the fountain of youth and look 20.

Evelyn: It won’t work.

__________

Evelyn: I love my mom more than hopping.

Me: Hopping?

Evelyn: Like a bunny.

__________

Evelyn: Who held me first when I was born?

Me: I wasn’t in the room. You would have to ask your mom that. I’m sure your mom or dad held you first.

Evelyn: I remember this. I remember my mom holding me.

__________

Evelyn: Poop duty.

Me: Huh?

Evelyn: Poop duty. You think Emma and Kate would like those words?

 

___________

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The letter O.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Is there any other O than Oh?

In high school, I worked at a day care. A red-headed mom picked up her 4-year-old red-headed son. Her son said something to her that made her laugh. She looked me in the eye and said, “when you have your own kids, write down the funny things they say. You’ll forget as soon as they say them so write them down. I keep a notebook in my purse. It’s hilarious.”

My 17-year-old self never forgot that motherly advice. That little boy is 22 years old now. I always wonder if his mom kept her notebook all these years. I don’t remember their names and even if I did, I doubt she remembers me. I hope that 22-year-old red-haired boy has a book of his own quotes to read.

I’ve been writing down what my daughters say since Emma was two. It started as an email to family members then found its way to my blog. The mom was right – I forget almost as soon as it’s said. I have to write it down fast.

This is my 80th blog post titled Oh Emma, Oh Kate. I always wonder if it will be the last. I worry one day I’ll wake up and Emma and Kate will be adults. The world won’t be funny anymore.

Yet, somehow they seem to top themselves without ever trying.

The letter O.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate. 80th edition.

___________

Emma: Let’s play hide and seek in the dark outside.

Kate: Hold on, let me download this heat sensor app on my iPod.

___________

Me: Emma! Where are your soccer cleats? Help me look. Do you know where they are?

Emma: Do I look like Siri?

___________

Kate started rolling her tongue.

Me: Where did you learn that?

Kate: (rolling tongue) Beginning of a Pitbull song.

___________

Kate busted into my room on a Saturday morning.

Kate: WAKE UP!

Me: UGH.

Kate: Mommy! Look!

She walked up to the side of my bed.

Me: Kate, I don’t have my contacts in. I can’t see you that well. Get closer.

Kate rests her stuffed boobs next to my head.

Me: What the?

Kate: Grew me some big ‘ole boobies! HA!

Me: Put my bra away, NOW. Get out.

___________

The girls needed some new flip flops for summer. I took them to Old Navy for some cheap pairs.

Kate: UGH. Why did you take me here?

Me: You need some flip flops and they’re cheap here. And I don’t know your shoe size unless you come with me. Your feet keep growing.

Kate: I mean, why did you take me HERE? I want everything. I want this. This too. Oh, and this. These are cute. This was a bad decision to take me shopping with you.

___________

Inside Old Navy’s dressing room.

Me: Cute shirt, Kate! Let’s get this one. A little cold shoulder top. Love it. Clearance too!

Kate: Yeah! (Kate shimmies)

Me: Are you shimmying?

Kate: I love shimmying in this shirt.

Later that night. Kate wore her new shirt.

Me: Show daddy your shirt.

Kate shimmied.

Scott: Are you shimmying? Do you know what that is? Don’t do that.

Kate: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just showing my shoulders.

Scott walked off. Kate shimmied at him behind his back.

___________

I was writing on my laptop in bed one afternoon. I could see the girls playing hopscotch from my window.

Emma: YOU LOSE, KATE! I WIN!

Kate: (stares at Emma. Walks off to my outside master door. Drags the welcome mat over near Emma, hurls the mat at Emma’s back, then crosses her arms.)

Me: KATE! I SAW THAT!

Emma: MOOOM!

Me: I know. I saw. Kate, did you just hit Emma in the back with a welcome mat because you lost?

Kate: No. I hit her because she won.

___________

I took Kate on a sushi date. We talked while we waited on our sushi.

Kate: Let’s play truth or dare.

Me: Ok, truth.

Kate: Have you or dad ever picked your butt in front of a video camera?

Me: No.

Kate: Wrong. I saw an old video of you picking your butt.

___________

We were at Scott’s parents for dinner.

Kate: Daddy and I were playing softball in the house and daddy hit the sailfish on the wall with a softball.

Me: SCOTT!

Nana: Oh, Scott.

Scott: Kate, why would you tattle on me?

Kate: Because I can tattle to your mom too.

___________

Me: Hey! Emma! Girlfriend, bring your empty plate to the sink!

Emma: Oh, I thought someone would do it for me.

___________

Scott practices softball with Kate every night.

Scott: Ok, so what is your take away for tonight?

Kate: That I like myself.

___________

Scott sent a video of Kate hitting softballs to his friend, Hunter.

Scott: Hunter said Kate hits better than his own son.

Kate: Obviously.

___________

I poured myself a glass of wine in a darkened kitchen after the kids were in bed.

Emma: Seriously, mom?

Me: AH! You scared me, Emma!

Emma: This is what you do when we sleep?

___________

Me: Go to bed.

Kate: No.

Me: Uh, yes. Go to bed.

Kate: You wanna make an ice cream run?

Me:

Kate: You like that, don’t ya?

___________

Me: Go to bed!

Emma: No!

Me: Yes. It’s 8:30.

Emma: It’s really 7:30 with the time change.

___________

The girls went upstairs after school one day. It was silent for about 20 minutes.

Me: Scott, do you hear how quiet they are? They’ve been so good lately. No fights.

Emma: KNOCK IT OFF, KATE OR I WILL HOLD YOU DOWN AND FART IN YOUR FACE!

___________

Kate: Mom! Stella got into your bathroom trash and now there’s those white things you put up your butt all over!

(Tampons)

___________

Emma: Wouldn’t it be cool to paint on toilet seats?

Me: Huh?

Emma: Like quotes in pretty handwriting. Like, “Have a seat. Take your time.”

___________

Our neighbors’ were out of town. But their kids were home with their grandma. She’s a good grandma. She always plans some kind of activity for all the cul-de-sac kids to participate in. We received a note at our door.

Me: Cool! A St. Patrick’s Day breakfast! Have the kids come by anytime from 7 am to 9 am on St. Patrick’s morning for a green breakfast!

Kate: 7 AM? I’ll be sleepin’. Guess, I’m coming over at 9.

___________

Kate walked in my room, brushing her teeth with my toothbrush.

Me: Gross! Kate! That’s my toothbrush!

Kate: Emma put my toothbrush in the toilet so I’m using yours.

___________

Kate: Can we make a leprechaun trap?

Me: A what?

Kate: You make a trap and the leprechaun leaves you money.

Me: Uh, we’re not Irish.

Kate: Our neighbors do it.

Me: Are they Irish?

Kate: They’re from Colorado or something.

___________

Scott: Kate, pick up your shoes!

Kate: Knock it off. You’re mommy’s teenage son and don’t pick up either.

___________

I pushed through radio stations in the car.

Me: Ugh, Justin Bieber. I don’t like him.

Kate: Why?

Me: He’s doesn’t seem very nice.

Kate: Well, his music makes me feel nice.

___________

Kate: Hey mom! Will you check my cursive on the computer?

___________

Scott put Kate to bed.

Scott: Good night, Baby Got Back Becky.

Kate: Good night, little nipples.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

O.jpg

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Me: Good night, Kate.

Kate: Night, Becky.

Me: BECKY?!

Kate: Look at her butt, Becky.

__________

Kate: What are you doing?

Me: Taking down your Christmas lights in your bedroom window. It’s not Christmas anymore.

Kate: What makes a string of pretty lights, Christmas lights?

__________

The girls started crossing their eyes at each other.

Me: Gross! Stop.

Scott: Did you know if you cross your eyes for a long time, they’ll stay that way?

Emma: That’s not true. That’s just something parents say to their kids.

Kate: Yeah, dad. Remember that picture of you holding a beer and crossing your eyes. They’re not stuck.

__________

Kate: How do you spell, “Joe’s?”

Me: G-O-E-S.

Emma: G?!

Me: Oh, sorry. J-O-E-S.

Emma: Way to go, writer.

__________

Emma: Did you know farts stink because of the bacteria in your butt?

__________

Kate received a Garmin Vivofit, Jr. for Christmas. It’s a watch that tracks her activity and sleep levels. It also allows me to give her virtual “coins” for doing chores.

Me: So when you do a chore on my list, let me know and I’ll give you a coin.

Kate: Ok, got it. And what if I lie to you?

__________

Me: Kate, take a shower. Don’t be the stinky kid at school tomorrow.

Kate: I like being the stinky kid.

Me: Why would you want to be the kid that stinks?

Kate: It means I had fun.

__________

I was flipping through radio stations in the car. “Drunk on a Plane” starts playing.

Emma: STOP!

Me: This song?

Emma: I love this song.

__________

Me: Kate, will you shovel the driveway?

Kate: Emma said she has a fun way of shoveling.

Me: How?

Kate: She puts me on the shovel and pushes the snow up on me.

__________

Me: Do you want ketchup or mustard on your hot dog?

Kate: What do you think?

Me: I don’t know.

Kate: You just said the answer. N-O.

__________

Kate gave us a coupon book of “free chores” for Christmas.

Scott: Let me get my coupon book. I’m going to use a coupon tonight.  Let’s see…put dishes away, 10-minute back rub, take trash out, which one do I want to use…

Kate: Only one.

Scott: What does this say? Free 30 minutes playing on daddy’s phone?

Kate: I made myself a coupon.

__________

Me: KATE. I’M YOUR MOTHER AND YOU LISTEN TO ME.

Kate: JULIE. I’M YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU LISTEN TO ME.

__________

Kate: I want Ramen noodles.

Me: No, enough Ramen. It’s not good for you. There’s a lot of salt in it.

Emma: Mom, your shirt says Salt Life.

__________

Kate gets in the car after school.

Kate: Ah, I love breaking rules.

__________

We played Monopoly Jr. one night.

Me: Ok, whoever wins this game wins a real dollar.

Kate: YAY! From Emma’s piggy bank?

__________

Kate made a pretend “doggy daycare” shop.

Me: It’s 8:30! Time to go to bed!

Kate: Nope, sorry. My shop doesn’t close until 9. I gotta work.

__________

I picked up the girls from school.

Kate: There’s a boy in my class that went on a cruise with his family.

Me: That’s nice.

Kate: He got a haircut on the ship.

Me: Yeah, cruise ships have cool little places like that. It’s like a small town.

Kate: I need a haircut.

Me: Please don’t.

Kate: On a cruise ship.

__________

Kate: What’s a weenie?

Me: Why?

Kate: Heard it at school.

Me: I don’t know.

Kate: Daddy has one, doesn’t he?

__________

Me: Goodnight, Kate.

Kate: Night, you sloth.

__________

I gave the girls their backpacks before we walked out the door.

Me: You two both wear your backpacks on both shoulders.

Emma: What?

Me: I used to wear one strap over one shoulder. Like this.

Emma: Mom, only kids who think they’re cool do that.

Kate: Mom! Don’t you want your back to be supported? What’s wrong with you?

__________

I dropped Kate and Emma off at their Nana and Papa’s house. It was dark. Kate got out of the car first. She ran to the front of the garage door so the headlights shined on her. She put her sunglasses on, did a shimmy, gave me a peace sign and struts to the front door.

Me: WHAT?!

Emma: Mom. Don’t you know what kind of teenager she’s going be?

__________

Me: Wake up!

Kate moans in bed.

Me: Wake up! I told you! Should have went to bed earlier last night.

Kate sits up in bed, eyes still shut, and pushes me off the bed.

__________

Emma: Can I go over my friend’s house after school? It was her birthday at school and she has extra popsicles. She said we could eat the rest at her house.

Me: Sure. What kind of popsicles?

Emma: Uh, the kind that stains my shirt really bad right here.

 

__________

Emma: We read a Scholastic magazine in class today. At the end, there’s a question that makes you think about the article.

Me: What was the question?

Emma: Is it ok for parents to put their kid’s pictures on Facebook or Instagram without the kid’s permission?

Me: Hm. What do you think about that?

Emma: I think it’s ok for parents to do that. I like it when you post my picture or write about me.

Kate: I don’t. Let me see it first.

Me: Ok, here’s another question – at what age does a child have the right to say no? When a baby is born, almost every parent I know will post a picture of the baby because they’re proud. A baby or toddler doesn’t have an opinion. What if a pre-schooler screams, “NO!” to everything? What age should a parent take their request seriously?

Emma: Hm, maybe when the kid can read?

Kate: TAKE OFF MY BABY PICTURES, MOM!

__________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Scott: True or False?

Kate: I love this game!

Scott: One day, in college, mommy showed her boobs to people at a bar.

Me: SCOTT.

Kate: Hmm. False.

Scott: Correct. Because if mommy were to do that, she would go to jail.

Kate: No, she wouldn’t.

__________

Emma: So Donald Trump will be the new President?

Me: Yeah.

Emma: So he has to move into the White House?

Me: Yep.

Emma: He probably won’t like that too much?

Me: Really? Why do you think?

Emma: That must be much smaller than his other houses.

__________

Emma: Mom, I saw Kate today at school.

Me: Aw, you did? You guys never see each other.

Emma: Our lines crossed in the hallway.

Me: That’s cute.

Emma: Yeah, Kate pushed me against the wall and then she goes back into her line and waves at the rest of my class and says, “oh! Hello, everyone!” And the class is like, “oh your sister is soooo cute!”

__________

I waited in the school office for Emma. I had to take her to an orthodontist appointment. The school office has all glass walls. I see Kate’s class walking down the hallway. I looked for Kate and found her.

Kate sees me and does a double look.

Me: (waving) Hi Kate!

Kate: (makes an angry face, points at me, and continues walking)

__________

Kate: Did you know Siri doesn’t know everything?

Me: She’s a computer.

Kate: Google knows everything.

__________

Kate’s friends came over and asked if Kate could spend the night. I said that was fine. Kate brought down her overnight bag and headed towards the door.

Me: Wait! Kate! Give me a hug! I’m going to miss you!

Kate: I’ll miss you too, mommy.

Me: You can stay here if you want.

Kate: When I’m packed, I’m gone. Bye!

__________

Me: Here’s my birthday list, girls. I’m going to send daddy and you all over town!

Emma: Mom. Don’t treat us like slaves. I’m learning about slaves now. Don’t treat us like that.

__________

Kate: How much was your tattoo, daddy?

Scott: About $1500.

Kate: Ha! Well, that’s a waste.

Me: A waste?

Kate: Yeah, that’s a lot of money, honey. (snaps)

__________

Scott was putting our Christmas lights up on the house. Kate and her friend stood on the driveway, watching.

Friend: My dad would never do that. He’s scared to be on the roof.

Kate: My dad is scared of Alice in Wonderland and NOT Game of Thrones.

__________

Kate: Why does your middle name only have two letters?

Me: Ann has three? A-n-n.

Kate: Oh, I thought it was A-n. Like the word.

__________

The girls were watching Full House. It was the episode when Rebecca and Jesse get married.

During the middle of the wedding…

Kate: Man! This is horrible!

__________

In the car.

Kate: Can I play with your phone?

Me: No. When I was a kid, we didn’t have phones or iPods to play with in the car. Look out the window.

Emma: When I have kids, I’m going to say we didn’t have whatever new invention they have.

Me: Probably.

Kate: When I have kids I’m going to tell them we had iPods that went dead and when they died we couldn’t use them in the car.

Emma: Yeah, and that GRANDMA wouldn’t let us use her phone.

__________

Kate: How do you say meatloaf in Spanish?

__________

Me: Let Stella outside. She needs to go pee.

Kate: No.

Me: Please, it’s my birthday.

Kate: You’re not the queen of me.

Me: I’m asking nicely.

Kate: SCOTT! LET YOUR DOG OUT! SHE HAS TO PEE!

__________

Me: Kate, before you go upstairs, will you put my glass in the sink?

Kate: I’m not your wine maid.

__________

Emma: Mom, there’s only two ice cream bars left. Kate has one and I have one. You can have mine if you want. I can find another snack. I know they’re your favorite.

Me: Oh, can I? I’ll take it if you want to eat something else.

(I look at Kate, holding her ice cream bar)

Kate: They’re so gooood! You can’t have mine!

__________

Me: Where’s my pillow?

Scott: Oh. Forgot to tell you. Kate came in here and took your pillow.

Me: So now I have this dink kid pillow?

Scott: She said you could have hers. Yours is much better so she’s taking it.

__________

Text message from Kate.

Kate: Mommy, will you get me and Emma Dunkin Donuts?

Me: Yes, when I wake up.

Kate: Go now.

__________

I was reading “Weird But True” facts from a National Geographic Kids book with Emma.

Me: Ha! Listen to this – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has the world record for amount of selfies taken in one minute.

Emma: Why is that funny?

Me: Your dad loves him.

Emma: Why? Because dad’s middle name is Duane?

__________

Still reading the Weird But True book with Emma.

Me: Aw, kids that grow up with a dog have a less chance of developing asthma in their lifetimes.

Emma: Did you also know that kids with dogs have a higher rate of being late to school?

Me: What?

Emma: Can’t blame me for being late to school now.

__________

Me: It’s 8:30, girls! Bedtime!

Emma: Nope.

Me: Uh, yes. School night.

Kate: Nina told us you didn’t go to bed until 9:00 on school nights.

Emma: New bedtime!

__________

Scott and I were getting the kids’ school things ready in the morning while the girls looked for Buddy, the elf. They left the kitchen but we could still hear them.

Kate: Where is he, Emma?

Emma: I don’t know.

Kate: Where’d they hide him?

__________

 

Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous, if you wish.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Kate: The remote is out of batteries.

Me: I’m pretty sure your dad used all the batteries for the trail cameras. Just go use your fingers.

Kate: How do I do that?

Me: Walk up to the TV and turn it on with the side button.

Kate: It can do that?

__________

Scott: Oh, Kate. One day you won’t love me anymore.

Kate: Yeah. I’ll probably like you though.

__________

Me: Kate, go feed the dogs!

Kate: You’ll have to pay me.

Me: No, this is your chore. Feed them.

I make dinner and we sit down to eat. Stella snuck pieces of bread from everyone’s plate.

Me: Kate, didn’t you feed the dogs?

Kate: I told you! You need to pay me!

__________

Scott: (screams and throws an article of clothing out of the laundry room)

Me: WHAT?! What happened?

Scott: What is that. A baby bra?!

__________

Emma: Can I get this game for my iPod?

Me: Let me see. Ugh. Emma, it’s like for kids.

Emma: Mom, I’m a kid.

__________

Kate walked inside the house from playing outside.

Kate: (laughing) Mom!

Me: Yeah. Did you have fun at the park?

Kate: Emma saw a bunch of construction workers at a house and talked to them.

Me: WHAT? Girls! No. You know better. Don’t do that. Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know.

Kate: But it was all in Spanish!

Me: WHAT.

Kate: Emma was like, “Hola, amigos!” and they said “Hola, amiga!” And then Emma said “Como estan?” and the construction workers said “asi, asi.” We talked until we couldn’t understand them anymore and we rode our bikes away.

__________

Me: GIRLS! STOP LEAVING FOOD IN THE BASEMENT. DO YOU WANT MICE?! A STALE BROWNIE. HARD AS ROCK.

Kate: I’m not really a brownie person. But I know one girl that is.

__________

Scott and I were watching the Presidential debate. Emma walked in the room.

Emma: Who’s that?

Me: That’s Bill Clinton. Hillary’s husband. He used to be President.

Emma: Bill Clinton did?

Me: Yep. Before you were born.

Emma: I thought Bill Clinton was her dad.

__________

Me: Kate, do me a favor and go get me some wine. We’re out.

Kate: Ha! I can’t drive!

Me: Yeah, and you’re not 21 either. I was kidding.

Kate: Wait. You have to be 21 to buy wine?

Me: Yep. 21 years old to buy beer, wine or liquor.

Kate: But how do they know how old I am?

Me: It’s called getting carded. You’ll have to show them ID, like a drivers license with your birthday on it.

Kate: Can’t I just write my name with a permanent marker on your license?

__________

Scott: Finally! You’re done with Game of Thrones! Isn’t it good? Doesn’t Arya Stark remind you of Emma? She’s a little badass.

Me: Ha! Yes! Arya is totally Emma. Do you think Kate is Sansa Stark then?

Scott: Kate is Cersei Lannister.

__________

Scott’s parents watched the girls overnight. The next morning, they dropped Emma and Kate off at home.

Jeff (Scott’s dad): The girls told us something interesting last night.

Me: Oh great.

Jeff: Well, Nana made meatloaf for dinner last night. They said daddy used to call hot chicks “meatloafs.” And that mommy is definitely a meatloaf.

Me: SCOTT. A piece of meat, are you kidding me?! I’ve never heard you call me a meatloaf.

Scott: I never told them that!

Emma: Yeah, you did! You said you and your friends would have a code word and “meatloaf” was a hot chick.

Kate: Uh huh, dad. Mommy’s a meatloaf. (snaps)

__________

Scott: Kate, why are you wearing a t-shirt and underwear? Get dressed.

Kate: Because mommy does.

__________

Me: Oh, why are my babies both sick?

Kate: Probably because you keep asking if we want hot lunch.

__________

Scott put the girls to bed while I was out on a girls night. I get a text message from Scott:

Scott: I’m putting Kate to bed and she asks for a bedtime noise from the sleep time app. You’ll never guess which noise she asked for.

Me: Which one? Ocean waves? Whales? Frogs?

Scott: No. Think Kate.

Me: The glass with ice cubes clinking?

Scott: Yep.

__________

Kate: (shouting from her room) I don’t love you, mom!

Me: Do you love me now?

Kate: At about 5%!

__________

Me: Kate, when you die on your iPod game it’s time for bed.

20 minutes passed.

Me: Ok, it’s been 20 minutes. I know you died by now.

Kate: Still breathing.

__________

Me: Ugh. Kids, this car is so dirty.

Emma: And why do you think that is? Because you decided to have Kate.

__________

img_9324

__________

I slept through my alarm one morning. I woke up at 9 am. I woke up because I heard the girls fighting upstairs. I ran upstairs.

Me: GIRLS! You’re playing Nintendo?! Why didn’t you wake me up?! You have school. It started 30 minutes ago!

Emma: Oh, I didn’t know we had school.

Kate: We let you sleep in.

__________

Emma: Where are you going tonight?

Me: To see a stand-up routine.

Emma: What’s stand-up?

Me: Stand-up comedy.

Emma: Huh?

Me: When someone stands on a stage and they just tell jokes. Stand-up. You’ve never heard of stand-up comedy before?

Emma: People do that?

__________

Kate: So, uh, can I ask you something?

Me: Yeah.

Kate: (face turns bright red) So daddy was saying that Brett is coming to town? On, like, Tuesday or something?

Me: Yes, Brett will be here Tuesday.

Kate: I have four days to get ready then.

brett
Brett.

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Emma: Did you know that the world is going to end on November 9, 2016?

Scott: Why?

Emma: Because both Presidents are evil and no matter which one wins, they will ruin the world.

Me: Who told you that?

Emma: Heard it at school.

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Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: Mom, you can’t vote for Hillary. She wants to sell guns to Mexico. You need to vote for Clinton because he wants to build a wall to keep the killer clowns out.

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A mom and her teenage son were eating lunch after a doctor appointment. They were discussing his injury and what the doctors said. The son got quiet and looked thoughtful for a long stretch. She thought he must be thinking through everything related to his injury.

Son: Mom, I really want a pet chicken.

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Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

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