Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.
Me: Why are you so evil?
Kate: Must be genetic, MOM.
Me: You jealous I saw Bruno Mars in Atlanta?
Kate: You jealous I saw Bruno Mars in Kansas City and he said, “Hey, Kansas Citaaaaayy!”
Me: Were you guys hot or cold last night?
Kate: Hot and cold.
Me: How can you be hot and cold?
Kate: I got hot but then I just put one leg outside the blankets.
I chaperoned one of Kate’s field trips. It was at the Mahaffie Stagecoach Stop, a working farm where kids learn about 1860s Kansas and the trails to the west.
Employee: What did the kids do for fun on the Oregon trails? Remember they had to walk the whole way to Oregon.
Boy: Play on their iPads.
Employee: No, they couldn’t do that because they didn’t have….anyone?
At Mahaffie Stagecoach Stop.
Employee: Welcome to the California Trail! You read in the newspaper that someone found a little bit of gold in the Sutter River in California! 2,000 miles away, a 4-month trip! Would you give up your home and drag your family to California for a tiny bit of gold?
Me: Let’s go to the pumpkin patch!
Kate: I want to bring a friend with us.
Me: I’m your friend.
Kate: No, you’re my mom.
Me: Your friend too.
Kate: No, my mom.
Me: And friend.
I picked up Kate from school.
Me: Where did you get gum? Did your teacher let you have some?
Kate: My friend gave it to me at the end the day. Because, you know, it’s the end of the day and I’m outta here so the teacher can’t tell me no.
Stella put her head on my chest while I was laying on the couch.
Kate: I think she wants milk.
Me: Take a shower!
Emma: Nah, ponytail day tomorrow.
Kate: Good one, Emma! Ponytail day.
Me: See, Kate? That’s it. The eye doctor is the easiest doctor you’ll see. No needles.
Eye doctor: Yep! Easy!
Kate: Hair cutter doctor is easy too.
Kate: What are you doing?
Me: Watching our Uber Eats guy drive on the map.
Me: You can see his car. Look.
Kate: No, I’m not a stalker like you.
Me: Any other questions before you babysit Ethan?
Emma: So when he goes to bed, do I just sit in the corner of his room and watch him sleep?
Me: Hey, do you two have any floss in your bathrooms? Can I borrow some?
Emma: I’m out.
Kate: No floss in my bathroom either.
Me: So what have you been flossing with?
Kate: I have one string left for me tonight.
Me: Your teacher gave you such a good report at conferences, Kate! You’re the kid that is friends with everyone!
Emma: Pssh. She’s not like that at home. She’s evil here.
Kate: One time I saw Emma’s name on a test and I crossed her name out.
I took Kate out to eat at a restaurant while Scott and Emma hunted.
Me: You want guac, don’t you?
Kate: How did you know what I was thinking?
Me: I’m your mom and I always know what you’re thinking.
Kate: What am I thinking now?
Me: You’re thinking I don’t know what you’re thinking.
Kate: WRONG. I’m thinking of Eric Hosmer eating a taco. (KC Royals first baseman)
Emma: Which celebrity do I look like?
Me: Probably anyone that looks like me.
Kate: I know! You know that one actress…she’s in that one movie…Oh! Yes! I remember! POOP!
Emma: Who was your first concert, dad?
Scott: Smashing Pumpkins.
Emma: Play them.
Scott put on Smashing Pumpkins in the car.
Kate: WASTE OF MONEY!
I put on Snoop Dogg. I start singing and dancing in the car.
Me: “Drop it like it’s hot….Drop it like it’s hot. When the pigs try to get at you…Park it like it’s hot…park it like it’s hot.”
Emma: Gross, mom. This sound so old.
Kate: You’re dying mom, face it.
Me: Ok, looks like one of you will take your cousin Ben for Christmas. And one of you will take Lucy.
Kate: I CALL LUCY! I like her style of stealing Ben’s toys away on FaceTime.
Me: Did you brush your teeth?
Emma: Yes, we both did.
Kate Who does that?
Me: Hey, Emma? Can you pour me a little bit more wine?
Emma: Sure. Hey, wait, how do I open this?
Me: It’s already opened. Just pull the cork with your hands.
Emma: It’s not working!
Kate: Got it.
Kate walked over to Emma. Put the cork in her mouth and yanked. And then poured the wine.
Kate: You don’t pour a lot of wine in a glass, Emma. Just like a few inches. And there we go. Ready to serve!
And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”