Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

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Me: Let me pull your tooth out.

Kate: Let me pop that zit on your back.

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Me: Why won’t you play softball this summer? You’d be so good!

Kate: Because I’ll probably have a weird named team.

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I picked up the girls from school on the day Emma went to school with no braces.

Me: Hey Emma! Did you show your class your smile?

Emma: Yeah, everyone noticed and were like, “whoa.”

Kate: Any boys kiss you?

Me: KATE.

Kate: What? She looks prettier.

Me: Knock it off. She’s always pretty.

Kate: I know she’ll have boys kissing her before boys kiss me. (sighs)

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In the car.

Me: Girls, you ready for sunny and 75 this weekend?! Let’s lay out on the driveway and feel the warm sun.

Emma: YEAH!!

Kate: (rolls down window and sticks her head out) BIKINIS AND SUMMA SUMMAAAAAA! WOOOOOOOO!

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Me: Come on, Kate. Wake up.

I pulled Kate up, out of bed.

Kate: UGH! JULIE BUG! NO!

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Me: STOP! FIGHTING! I can’t take it!!

I walked into Kate’s bathroom. She was staring at me by looking through the mirror while she brushed her teeth. She rinses her toothbrush, flings the toothbrush water at the mirror.

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!

Kate: Flinging water at you.

Me: Grounded.

Kate: Worth it. Hair flip. (flips hair)

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Kate: I’m on a sugar hiiiiigh!

Emma: Kate, stop being weird.

Kate: Fine. I’m going sugar freeeee!

Emma: Stop being more weird.

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Emma walked in my bedroom.

Me: Hey, Em.

Emma: I forgot what I was going to say. Hold on.

Emma walked out then walked back in.

Emma: Ok, I remembered.

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Kate: I’m the princess of the family. And Emma is the bully.

Emma: STOP, KATE!

Kate: It’s true.

Emma: STOP IT!

Me: Stop. Both of you. If we were royalty, your dad and I would be the heirs to be king and queen on both sides of the family since we’re both first born. That means, Emma – you would be the next queen. Kate would only be queen if Emma were to die before having children.

Scott: Julie.

Me: It’s true.

Emma: HA! Kate, I’m the next queen. That means I’m more powerful than you!

Kate: I’M STILL THE PRINCESS. You’re still the bully.

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Kate: Mom, you’re my BFF.

Me: Really?! Awwww!

Kate: Big fat fart.

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Emma borrowed my phone to text Scott while he was in Florida.

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Kate: Can I open the soup package?

Me: No, let me get scissors. You’ll open it and it will fall all over the floor.

Kate: That’s how normal people do it.

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I played the classic rock station on Pandora while I straightened Emma’s hair. “Carry On Wayward Son” started playing.

Me: Who is singing this?

Emma: Hmmmm…

Me: I’ll give you a hint. It’s a state.

Emma: America.

Me: A STATE.

Emma: California? Florida? New York?

Me: No. Another hint: it starts with a K.

Emma: Kentucky!

Me: IT’S THE STATE YOU LIVE IN.

Emma: Oh! Kansas!

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Me: Let’s take a picture.

Kate: I’m a little sensitive when it come to taking pictures. No, thanks.

Me: Where did you hear that? Smile.

Kate: Pay me $1 per picture with smile.

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Me: OH MY GOSH, KATE!  What happened to your legs? You’re bleeding all down your legs!

Kate: Ran through a rose bush. Kinda hurt so I just kept running through it. I don’t care. It’s just blood.

Me: You ran through a rose bush.

Kate: What do you want me to do? Fly over it?

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Me: What should I caption this picture of Emma and daddy?

Kate: What’s a caption?

Me: When you write a sentence or two, explaining the picture.

Kate: Oh. Hm, well how about “Emma’s dad calls Emma ‘boo’ sometimes as a nickname. But one day, he accidentally called her ‘boobs’ and Emma hates it.

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Kate: You know how Grandma calls everyone’s name with an “I-E” at the end of it? Like Katie, Scottie, Emmie….

Me: Yeah.

Kate: What if she called Emma’s new nickname with an “I-E”?

Emma: Kate, what are you talking about? What nickname?

Me: KATE.

Kate: Boobs. Boobie. Hey Boobie!

Emma: STOP IT, KATE!

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Me: You smell like a Thin Mint.

Kate: I didn’t eat five.

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I was listening to the radio after I picked up the girls from school.

Emma: What are they talking about?

Me: Shoplifting. Who do you think is more likely to shoplift, men or women? Like, steal something from a store without paying.

Emma: Boys!

Kate: Girls. Because they can sneak out like, hanging on the ceiling, doing cartwheels and flips and stuff.

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I picked up sushi to-go with Kate. We had to wait for our order. Kate picked up a magazine.

Kate: How do you be on the cover of a magazine?

Me: Well, depends on the magazine.

Kate: What about this magazine?

Me: It looks like it’s a local business. So this flower business paid the magazine money to have the owner be on the cover in this issue.

Kate: I want to be on a cover.

Me: Better have some money if you want to be on this magazine’s cover.

Kate: I’ll just take yours.

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Kate handed me a mint from the sushi restaurant.

Kate: I think it’s a fruit flavor.

Me: Looks like blueberry from wrapper.

I put the mint in my mouth.

Me: Tastes like…it tastes like wine? Weird.

Kate: Lemme try one. No, not wine. It tastes like cranberry juice.

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I helped Kate with homework.

Me: Ok, so what is the opposite of south?

Kate: West.

Me: Not south, but…

Kate: East.

Me: Down is south. Up is….

Kate: West! Southeast! East West!

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Scott was in bed with Kate, saying goodnight. The lights were off and it was pitch black. Kate started giggling.

Scott: Shhhhhh

Kate: You shhhhhh. I’m pushing my nostrils up. Shhhhhh

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Me: You’re so sloppy.

Kate: Cool.

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I was writing on my laptop at the kitchen counter. I feel my ponytail being pulled back.

Me: Ow!

Kate: Thanks for the ponytail holder.

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My niece, Evelyn (almost 4): I like your face and your braids in your hair.

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My nephew, Ben (age 3): Dad, are you my uncle?

My brother-in-law, Mark: I’m your dad.

Ben: Uncle Scott is my uncle?

Mark: Yes.

Ben: I miss my uncle.

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Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Me: Good night, Kate.

Kate: Night, Becky.

Me: BECKY?!

Kate: Look at her butt, Becky.

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Kate: What are you doing?

Me: Taking down your Christmas lights in your bedroom window. It’s not Christmas anymore.

Kate: What makes a string of pretty lights, Christmas lights?

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The girls started crossing their eyes at each other.

Me: Gross! Stop.

Scott: Did you know if you cross your eyes for a long time, they’ll stay that way?

Emma: That’s not true. That’s just something parents say to their kids.

Kate: Yeah, dad. Remember that picture of you holding a beer and crossing your eyes. They’re not stuck.

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Kate: How do you spell, “Joe’s?”

Me: G-O-E-S.

Emma: G?!

Me: Oh, sorry. J-O-E-S.

Emma: Way to go, writer.

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Emma: Did you know farts stink because of the bacteria in your butt?

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Kate received a Garmin Vivofit, Jr. for Christmas. It’s a watch that tracks her activity and sleep levels. It also allows me to give her virtual “coins” for doing chores.

Me: So when you do a chore on my list, let me know and I’ll give you a coin.

Kate: Ok, got it. And what if I lie to you?

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Me: Kate, take a shower. Don’t be the stinky kid at school tomorrow.

Kate: I like being the stinky kid.

Me: Why would you want to be the kid that stinks?

Kate: It means I had fun.

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I was flipping through radio stations in the car. “Drunk on a Plane” starts playing.

Emma: STOP!

Me: This song?

Emma: I love this song.

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Me: Kate, will you shovel the driveway?

Kate: Emma said she has a fun way of shoveling.

Me: How?

Kate: She puts me on the shovel and pushes the snow up on me.

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Me: Do you want ketchup or mustard on your hot dog?

Kate: What do you think?

Me: I don’t know.

Kate: You just said the answer. N-O.

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Kate gave us a coupon book of “free chores” for Christmas.

Scott: Let me get my coupon book. I’m going to use a coupon tonight.  Let’s see…put dishes away, 10-minute back rub, take trash out, which one do I want to use…

Kate: Only one.

Scott: What does this say? Free 30 minutes playing on daddy’s phone?

Kate: I made myself a coupon.

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Me: KATE. I’M YOUR MOTHER AND YOU LISTEN TO ME.

Kate: JULIE. I’M YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU LISTEN TO ME.

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Kate: I want Ramen noodles.

Me: No, enough Ramen. It’s not good for you. There’s a lot of salt in it.

Emma: Mom, your shirt says Salt Life.

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Kate gets in the car after school.

Kate: Ah, I love breaking rules.

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We played Monopoly Jr. one night.

Me: Ok, whoever wins this game wins a real dollar.

Kate: YAY! From Emma’s piggy bank?

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Kate made a pretend “doggy daycare” shop.

Me: It’s 8:30! Time to go to bed!

Kate: Nope, sorry. My shop doesn’t close until 9. I gotta work.

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I picked up the girls from school.

Kate: There’s a boy in my class that went on a cruise with his family.

Me: That’s nice.

Kate: He got a haircut on the ship.

Me: Yeah, cruise ships have cool little places like that. It’s like a small town.

Kate: I need a haircut.

Me: Please don’t.

Kate: On a cruise ship.

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Kate: What’s a weenie?

Me: Why?

Kate: Heard it at school.

Me: I don’t know.

Kate: Daddy has one, doesn’t he?

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Me: Goodnight, Kate.

Kate: Night, you sloth.

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I gave the girls their backpacks before we walked out the door.

Me: You two both wear your backpacks on both shoulders.

Emma: What?

Me: I used to wear one strap over one shoulder. Like this.

Emma: Mom, only kids who think they’re cool do that.

Kate: Mom! Don’t you want your back to be supported? What’s wrong with you?

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I dropped Kate and Emma off at their Nana and Papa’s house. It was dark. Kate got out of the car first. She ran to the front of the garage door so the headlights shined on her. She put her sunglasses on, did a shimmy, gave me a peace sign and struts to the front door.

Me: WHAT?!

Emma: Mom. Don’t you know what kind of teenager she’s going be?

__________

Me: Wake up!

Kate moans in bed.

Me: Wake up! I told you! Should have went to bed earlier last night.

Kate sits up in bed, eyes still shut, and pushes me off the bed.

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Emma: Can I go over my friend’s house after school? It was her birthday at school and she has extra popsicles. She said we could eat the rest at her house.

Me: Sure. What kind of popsicles?

Emma: Uh, the kind that stains my shirt really bad right here.

 

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Emma: We read a Scholastic magazine in class today. At the end, there’s a question that makes you think about the article.

Me: What was the question?

Emma: Is it ok for parents to put their kid’s pictures on Facebook or Instagram without the kid’s permission?

Me: Hm. What do you think about that?

Emma: I think it’s ok for parents to do that. I like it when you post my picture or write about me.

Kate: I don’t. Let me see it first.

Me: Ok, here’s another question – at what age does a child have the right to say no? When a baby is born, almost every parent I know will post a picture of the baby because they’re proud. A baby or toddler doesn’t have an opinion. What if a pre-schooler screams, “NO!” to everything? What age should a parent take their request seriously?

Emma: Hm, maybe when the kid can read?

Kate: TAKE OFF MY BABY PICTURES, MOM!

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Scott and Kate got in an argument before bed. I checked on Kate before she fell asleep.

Me: Good night, Kate!

Kate: Tell daddy to come in here.

Me: Really? I thought you were mad at him?

Kate: I have words with him.

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I picked up the girls from school. Emma slammed the door, mad.

Me: What happened?

Emma: KATE. She brought me my water this morning.

Me: She did? I gave you your waters before school?

Emma: You switched water bottles. She walked into my class and said, “Emma! You switched water bottles and now there’s your slobber all over this.” And she LICKS MY WATER BOTTLE IN HER HAND. The whole class starts laughing and now they know our family is weird.

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Me: Your purse is so full.

Kate: I come to life prepared.

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Me: It’s snowing!

Kate: I want to eat yellow snow.

Me: What?

Kate: I want to eat (puts up air quotes) YELLOW. SNOW.

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Kate watched Fuller House on Netflix. Scott was next to her, watching football on TV.

Kate: Watch this part, dad.

Scott: Hold on.

Kate: No, you really need to watch this.

Scott: Wait. What is it?

Kate: It’s her first kiss.

Scott: WHAT?!

Kate: Watch it!! They’re kissing. It’s my favorite part.

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I talked to Kate before putting her in bed.

Me: Mmmm. You smell like daddy. Like his soap.

Kate: I used his soap in the shower.

Me: Really? His bar soap?

Kate: I like putting it up my butt then I laugh because I know daddy gets to use it next.

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Kate and I play a game called Panda Pop on my phone and Kate’s iPod.

Me: Guess what, Kate? Panda Pop gave us unlimited lives today! I played it the whole time you were at school! Ha!

Kate: UGH! Oh yeah? You’re just jealous of my summer birthday.

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Kate: Why do you wear makeup?

Me: Um, I don’t know. I like it?

Kate: I think you just want to look pretty.

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Kate dropped her pen.

Kate: Oh, you mother.

Me: What did you say?

Kate: Nothing.

Later that night, Scott dropped his phone.

Scott: Oh, you mother.

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I have my own column in Simply KC magazine (starting in January’s issue). The column is about my life. The magazine needed a few photos of me with the kids so they sent a photographer to my house.

Me: Don’t forget we have a photoshoot after school today. Tell your teachers you’re going to be in a magazine!

Kate: Like, totally. (flips hair) I’m totally going to be in a magazine. Like, gorgeous. (laughs)

Emma: (makes an ugly face with buck teeth and crosses eyes) Hey teacher? You think I’m real pretty? You think I’m pretty enough for a magazine?

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Text message from our neighbor, Chris: Does anyone have some Kraft yellow cheese? I’m too lazy to go out and buy some.

Me: If it’s unhealthy, we have it. I’ll send Kate down.

Chris: Thanks for the cheese. Kate said, “here’s the cheese and my mom isn’t going to return that Halloween trophy you won. She’s keeping it at her house.”

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We were celebrating Christmas with extended family.

Emma: What’s everyone talking about?

Me: This. I’m one of the funniest parents on the Today Show again!

Emma: What does it say?

Me: This.

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Emma: UGH! Mom! I’m funny too! Write what I say. Don’t listen to Kate!

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Kate was sliding on a sheet of ice on our patio.

Me: KATE! Be careful! You’re making me nervous!

Kate: No, mom! It’s fun!

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Emma: One time, I was in the car with dad and we saw a truck driving on snow in a parking lot, making huge circles.

Me: It’s called making donuts.

Kate: Probably a truth or dare.

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Me: Life lesson, girls. When someone farts on your face, you jab your finger up their butt like this. (I push my finger up Scott’s butt)

Kate: That’s disgusting!

Emma: So if someone farts on  your face, you have the fart on your face AND you have it on your finger too? Gross, mom.

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Me: Kate, what color do you want me to paint your nails?

Kate: Check my Pinterest board.

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Kate asked me to braid her hair in my bathroom.

Scott: Kate, do you want to go coyote hunting with me?

Kate: Nope! I’m gettin’ fancy today.

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Kate: Daddy, sometimes I love you. Sometimes I don’t.

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We were having Christmas dinner with family.

Me: Are you going to sit at the kids’ table?

Kate: Something like that.

Me: What does that mean?

Papa: She told me she’s sitting at the dessert table alone so she can sneak desserts on her plate.

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Our Christmas tree fell in the night. I was busy helping Scott the next morning while Kate had my phone. Emma was at a friend’s house. I found these text messages on my phone:

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I played “Baby Got Back” on my Bose speaker.

Me: “Oh my God, Becky. Look at her butt. It is so big.”

Scott: Will you turn that off? The kids are listening.

Me: They’ve heard it before.

Scott: Don’t let them listen to that!

Me: Ugh. Oh my God, Becky. Fine. (I turn off the song)

Kate: Oh my God, Becky. Look at mom’s butt. It is so flat. Like flatter than a pancake.

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Emma: Papa called us.

Me: He did?

Emma: I tricked him.

Me: What do you mean?

Emma: I answered and I said, “9-1-1 what’s your emergency.”

Me: What did Papa say?

Emma: He said he has explosive diarrhea.

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Kate: What are you writing about?

Me: Well, it’s a blank screen right now. What should I write. Here. I’ll type what you say.

Kate: Hmmmm. For the people. By Kate Burton.

Me: Ok, got it. A by-line. Good. Now what?

Kate: One time my mom wasn’t watching me closely and I fell down the stairs and broke my leg. I was one. It hurt.

Me: I’m not writing that.

Kate: Then tell the people about the staples pushed on my top of my head.

Me: No.

Kate: I’m done writing for the day.

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

 

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

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Scott: True or False?

Kate: I love this game!

Scott: One day, in college, mommy showed her boobs to people at a bar.

Me: SCOTT.

Kate: Hmm. False.

Scott: Correct. Because if mommy were to do that, she would go to jail.

Kate: No, she wouldn’t.

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Emma: So Donald Trump will be the new President?

Me: Yeah.

Emma: So he has to move into the White House?

Me: Yep.

Emma: He probably won’t like that too much?

Me: Really? Why do you think?

Emma: That must be much smaller than his other houses.

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Emma: Mom, I saw Kate today at school.

Me: Aw, you did? You guys never see each other.

Emma: Our lines crossed in the hallway.

Me: That’s cute.

Emma: Yeah, Kate pushed me against the wall and then she goes back into her line and waves at the rest of my class and says, “oh! Hello, everyone!” And the class is like, “oh your sister is soooo cute!”

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I waited in the school office for Emma. I had to take her to an orthodontist appointment. The school office has all glass walls. I see Kate’s class walking down the hallway. I looked for Kate and found her.

Kate sees me and does a double look.

Me: (waving) Hi Kate!

Kate: (makes an angry face, points at me, and continues walking)

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Kate: Did you know Siri doesn’t know everything?

Me: She’s a computer.

Kate: Google knows everything.

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Kate’s friends came over and asked if Kate could spend the night. I said that was fine. Kate brought down her overnight bag and headed towards the door.

Me: Wait! Kate! Give me a hug! I’m going to miss you!

Kate: I’ll miss you too, mommy.

Me: You can stay here if you want.

Kate: When I’m packed, I’m gone. Bye!

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Me: Here’s my birthday list, girls. I’m going to send daddy and you all over town!

Emma: Mom. Don’t treat us like slaves. I’m learning about slaves now. Don’t treat us like that.

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Kate: How much was your tattoo, daddy?

Scott: About $1500.

Kate: Ha! Well, that’s a waste.

Me: A waste?

Kate: Yeah, that’s a lot of money, honey. (snaps)

__________

Scott was putting our Christmas lights up on the house. Kate and her friend stood on the driveway, watching.

Friend: My dad would never do that. He’s scared to be on the roof.

Kate: My dad is scared of Alice in Wonderland and NOT Game of Thrones.

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Kate: Why does your middle name only have two letters?

Me: Ann has three? A-n-n.

Kate: Oh, I thought it was A-n. Like the word.

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The girls were watching Full House. It was the episode when Rebecca and Jesse get married.

During the middle of the wedding…

Kate: Man! This is horrible!

__________

In the car.

Kate: Can I play with your phone?

Me: No. When I was a kid, we didn’t have phones or iPods to play with in the car. Look out the window.

Emma: When I have kids, I’m going to say we didn’t have whatever new invention they have.

Me: Probably.

Kate: When I have kids I’m going to tell them we had iPods that went dead and when they died we couldn’t use them in the car.

Emma: Yeah, and that GRANDMA wouldn’t let us use her phone.

__________

Kate: How do you say meatloaf in Spanish?

__________

Me: Let Stella outside. She needs to go pee.

Kate: No.

Me: Please, it’s my birthday.

Kate: You’re not the queen of me.

Me: I’m asking nicely.

Kate: SCOTT! LET YOUR DOG OUT! SHE HAS TO PEE!

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Me: Kate, before you go upstairs, will you put my glass in the sink?

Kate: I’m not your wine maid.

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Emma: Mom, there’s only two ice cream bars left. Kate has one and I have one. You can have mine if you want. I can find another snack. I know they’re your favorite.

Me: Oh, can I? I’ll take it if you want to eat something else.

(I look at Kate, holding her ice cream bar)

Kate: They’re so gooood! You can’t have mine!

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Me: Where’s my pillow?

Scott: Oh. Forgot to tell you. Kate came in here and took your pillow.

Me: So now I have this dink kid pillow?

Scott: She said you could have hers. Yours is much better so she’s taking it.

__________

Text message from Kate.

Kate: Mommy, will you get me and Emma Dunkin Donuts?

Me: Yes, when I wake up.

Kate: Go now.

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I was reading “Weird But True” facts from a National Geographic Kids book with Emma.

Me: Ha! Listen to this – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has the world record for amount of selfies taken in one minute.

Emma: Why is that funny?

Me: Your dad loves him.

Emma: Why? Because dad’s middle name is Duane?

__________

Still reading the Weird But True book with Emma.

Me: Aw, kids that grow up with a dog have a less chance of developing asthma in their lifetimes.

Emma: Did you also know that kids with dogs have a higher rate of being late to school?

Me: What?

Emma: Can’t blame me for being late to school now.

__________

Me: It’s 8:30, girls! Bedtime!

Emma: Nope.

Me: Uh, yes. School night.

Kate: Nina told us you didn’t go to bed until 9:00 on school nights.

Emma: New bedtime!

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Scott and I were getting the kids’ school things ready in the morning while the girls looked for Buddy, the elf. They left the kitchen but we could still hear them.

Kate: Where is he, Emma?

Emma: I don’t know.

Kate: Where’d they hide him?

__________

 

Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous, if you wish.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

The girls had some friends over. They were collecting rolly pollies in a bowl in our backyard.

Kate: This one is totally a boy. Look at that little thing dragging.

___________

Me: Girls! Good song! Jack and Diane. Do you know who sings this song?

Emma: No.

Me: John Mellencamp. But his name used to be John Cougar.

Emma: What? People can change their name?

Me: Yes, but I’m not sure if it was a real name change or if it’s a stage name because he’s a singer. But yes, you can change your name if you want. It’s probably a pain.

Emma: So I can change my name?

Me: I’m sure when you’re 18 or something, if you wanted to change your legal name, you can.

Emma: So I can change it to Kate PicksHerNose Burton?

___________

I dropped the girls off at school in the morning.

Me: Emma, don’t forget I’m pulling you out of school early for your orthodontist appointment.

Emma: Ok.

Kate: WHAT?!

Me: Knock it off, Kate. She has a doctor’s appointment.

Kate: (Slams door. Stomps on sidewalk. Turns around and glares at me as I drive away, sticks tongue out at me)

___________

Me: Kate, do you want to hold William? (The girls’ newest baby cousin)

Kate: I already held him once, a long time ago.

___________

Me: Kate, your bruise on your eye looks like it hurts.

Kate: Nah, only when I blink.

___________

I painted the girls’ toenails.

Me: Kate, you have your daddy’s toes.

Kate: Good.

___________

Me: Oh, Emma. I think your sports bra shrunk?

Kate: I’ll take it!

Me: You don’t need a sports bra.

___________

Emma: MOM! Kate is raising her eyebrows at herself in the mirror and she’s only wearing a sports bra!

___________

In the car.

Me: Girls, daddy said to meet us out for dinner. Where do you want to go?

Emma: Not anywhere with food. My stomach hurts.

___________

Kate: So when we going to Costa Rica?

Scott: What? Who told you anything about Costa Rica?

Kate: No one. Just sounds fun. Can we go?

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In the car.

Me: UGH! Girls! Rule number one when you drive: don’t be a slow driver. People will yell at you TO HURRY UP! FASTER, CAR! This is so dangerous. They are so dangerous, girls. WHO DRIVES 50 MILES PER HOUR ON A HIGHWAY!

Kate: Are you telling us you want us to drive with a lead foot?

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Me: Kate, will you feed the dogs?

Kate: Emma needs to learn how to be responsible.

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Kate: Mom, I accidentally brought my iPod to school.

Me: Uh oh. Did you keep it in your backpack?

Kate: Yeah, I just kept it in there since we’re not allowed to have them.

Me: Oh, ok. Good.

Kate: But then we were taking a test and it was all quiet and my Crossy Road game beeped at me to start playing Crossy Road. And I was like, “uh, hope no one heard my Crossy Road in my backpack.”

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The girls baked Scott a cookie cake before he arrived home from Colorado.

Emma: I’ll put on frosting.

Kate: And then we’ll save it for Sunday, when gets back. We can eat it after Daddy see it.

Emma: Well, Kate. Maybe we can take a picture of it and start eating it tonight.

Kate: And maybe save him one slice? Yeah, let’s do that. Take a picture, Mom.

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It was the weekend Scott was in Colorado. I was watching a movie in my bedroom on a Friday night. The girls asked if they could hang out with friends on our front patio with the lights on. I told them it was ok with me. I heard Kate rummaging around the kitchen. The front door opened.

Kate: COCKTAILS! (slams door)

I ran out to the front patio. Kate has a tray of drinks.

Kate: Crushed or cubed?

Me: What are doing?

Kate: Handing out waters.

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Emma: Mom, can Kate and I ride our bikes to the pond?

Me: I guess. But watch for cars. Stop every time you cross the road and look both ways. Ok?

Emma: Got it.

The girls come home after about 45 minutes.

Me: Did you have fun? Wait, Kate where are your shoes?

Kate: Ha! Well, that’s funny. I didn’t even notice they were gone. I guess I forgot my shoes at the pond.

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Scott: Did you put on makeup?

Kate: Yes.

Me: It actually looks really good. Did one of your friends do it?

Kate: I did it.

Me: Really? It’s sorta amazing.

Kate: I’ve spent years watching you, Mom.

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Kate: These raspberries need something. Hmmmm, lime zest. Yes.

Me: Lime zest? Who uses lime zest?

Emma: Mom, she watches Food Network now. She thinks she’s on a show.

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Kate: When I get a car, I’m getting a Jeep.

Me: I can totally see you in a freaking Jeep.

Emma: What about me, mom?

Me: Cute, little two-door sportscar. That’s what I drove in college.

Emma: That sounds way warmer in the winter than a Jeep.

Me: You can put the cover back on a Jeep. It’s not open all the time.

Kate: Or just keep cover off, keep doors off and me wearing a winter coat when I drive.

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Scott: Uh, Kate just saw me in my underwear.

Me: So?

Scott: And she said “really, dad? Poking out? My friends are here.”

Me: Was it poking out?

Scott: No! Just normal, protruding I guess.

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Special Edition: Oh Kids.

My niece, Gabby (4), was at my house.

Gabby: Why does Emma have braces?

Me: To straighten her teeth.

Gabby: Oh, were they curly?

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Our friend, Hunter, came over to help Scott plant a tree. He brought his daughter, Mikaela (3).

Mikaela: What’s your name?

Me: You know my name! Julie.

Mikaela: I don’t think I like that name.

Me: Me either.

Mikaela: What’s Scott’s name?

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Mikaela: What are you doing, Julie?

Me: Talking to your dad and Scott out my window. See them?

Mikaela: I don’t really care what my dad says.

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Mikaela: What are you going?

Me: Now I’m doing laundry.

Mikaela: My dad never does this.

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Kid, 4: Does “playground” start with “ice cream”?

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The family dog was pooping in the backyard.

Kid, 6: I sure hope a mole doesn’t go up his butthole.

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Kid, 6: Hey mom! Did you know Abraham Lincoln would have lived longer if he hadn’t gotten shot in the head?

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Kid, 20 months: (grabs his mom’s boob) Ooo! Ball!

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Kid, 4: If mom and dad die, will Mamaw and Papaw take care of us?

Kid, 5: Uh, no. Thor and Elsa will.

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Kid, 4: (smacks little brother on the arm)

Dad: Why did you do that?

Kid, 4: Satan made me do it.

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Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 9 and Kate is 6. 

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I overheard Kate talking to her iPod.

Kate: Siri, will you text Mommy Burton?

Siri: What would you like to say to Mommy Burton?

Kate: I want to say I don’t understand life.

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Me: Where’s my phone charger?

Kate: (yelling from upstairs) It’s on the wall!

Me: Which wall?

Kate: By the Christmas tree!

Me: It’s March! (I look where our Christmas tree was and my phone charger is there)

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Scott: Should I shave my beard?

Me: No.

Kate: No. I use it to scratch myself when I have an itch.

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Me: Ok, let’s get rid of some of these DVDs you don’t watch. Elmo, Little Einsteins, Little Bear…

Kate: Keep Little Bear.

Me: You don’t watch Little Bear.

Kate: My stuffed animals do at night.

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Emma, Kate and I were watching Princess Diaries.

Kate: She shouldn’t kiss that boy.

Me: Why? I think she has a crush on him.

Kate: That boy kisses too many girls. She shouldn’t have a crush on him.

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Me: GIRLS!  What happens when you leave all the lights on in the house?

Emma: It runs out and you have to buy more.

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Kate: (as she’s eating) Well, I guess you can put on Pitbull’s Fireball if you want.

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For some reason the girls wanted silly string. I agreed to buy them some because it was spring break and I was going insane. We walk into Party City.

Employee: Are you looking for something?

Me: Silly string?

Employee: In the back aisle. You’ll see them lined up by colors. I’ll show you.

The four of us stand and look at the color choices.

Kate: Which one is comin’ home to mama?

Employee: What are you ladies celebrating?

Kate: Me.

Emma: Stop it, Kate.

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I was parked in a parking lot with Kate. I was adding things to my grocery store list before we got out of car. The windows were cracked. Kate starts laughing.

Me: What’s so funny?

Kate: This little boy is not sitting in the cart for his mom.

Me: Uh oh.

Kate: Here they come!

The boy is in hysterics, kicking and screaming at his mom. They are parked in the car next to us.

Kate: (stares out window and starts laughing and pointing)

Me: Kate, knock it off. That mom is having a bad day.

Kate: But it’s funny.

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I took Kate to get a pedicure while Emma hunted with Scott.

Me: Pick out a polish color.

Kate: I’ll take this blue. This green for grass. And white and black for the panda. And pink for a butterfly in the sky.

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We were watching the NCAA tournament. KU was playing.

Kate: Did you see that guy slap that other guy’s butt?

Scott: That’s KU’s coach. He likes touching people’s butts.

Kate: So mean.

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Kate was using a blanket to wipe her nose.

Me: Hey! I just washed that blanket.

Kate: Snot rag now.

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Emma: MOM! Kate never flushes the toilet. It stinks so bad in here!

Me: Do you flush the toilet?

Kate: Ugh, I don’t want it to overflow.

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I was doing yard work in front of our house. I found Kate’s sandals in a bush.

Me: Kate! Did you put your sandals in a bush?

Kate: I don’t know.

Me: You don’t know if you put these in a bush?

Kate: Yes. I put them there.

Me: Why?

Kate: They were wet.

Me: So you throw them in a bush?

Kate: I wanted them to dry off in the shade.

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My grandma suffered a mini stroke while we were playing Bingo at the nursing home. She left in an ambulance. My mom was texting us updates from the hospital. I was reading the texts out loud to Scott. Emma was listening.

Me: Oh no! Scott, grandma asked my mom if she had any kids!

Emma: Ha! She forgot about you then.

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I was in the living room but could hear Scott and Kate in the kitchen.

Kate: Oh no! Wait, did mom see?

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Kate: Emma! You can’t do headstands! They’re so bad for you!

Emma: No they’re not. Who told you that?

Kate: You.

Emma: Oh.

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Me: Hey girls, let’s figure out which camps you want to go to this summer because I can already tell you’re going to drive me insane.

Emma: Ok! Maybe art camp or soccer camp. I also like theatre camp…

Kate: Just put me on a plane to Florida.

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Kate: I’m learning about time now.

Emma: Like, multiplication?

Kate: No. Like, you know, the circle.

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Me: Girls, I’m interviewing Eric Stonestreet tomorrow!

Emma: You are?!

Kate: I don’t like your interviews.

Me: What? Why?

Kate: You ask too many questions in my business.

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I overheard Emma and Kate talking.

Kate: Will you read what Nana said on my iPod?

Emma: Nana said she can’t talk right now, she’s not at home. MOM! I’M GOING TO PLAY OUTSIDE!

Me: Ok, bye! (I hear a door slam. Kate is alone in the living room.)

Kate: Siri, will you text Nana Burton?

Siri: What would you like to say to Nana Burton?

Kate: I want to say tell her to hurry up.

Kate walked in my room.

Me: Did you just tell Siri to tell Nana to hurry up?

Kate: Yeah!

Me: Did Siri do it?

Kate: Oh yes, Siri will do anything for me.

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Emma and Kate had a dentist appointment. Kate was called back first. I sat with Emma in the waiting room.

Emma: Mom. You won’t believe what Kate did today. I left my water bottle in the lunch room or something and Kate’s teacher found it so she sent Kate to my class to give it back to me.

Kate: Oh no! Did Kate get embarrassed walking into your class?

Emma: MOM. NO. She walked in with her friend. She stands in the front of the class, everyone stares at her. She puts a hand ON HER HIP and she scrunched her nose in a mean face. And she says, “EMMA! GET YOUR WATER BOTTLE.” The whole class starts laughing and saying, “oh your sister is so cute!” and I’m like, “OH MY GOD!”

Me: What did your teacher do?

Emma: She was laughing too. Mom, Kate is so embarrassing.

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I get a text from Kate.

Kate: Text me back. Right meow.

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Emma: True or false? Butterflies can taste with their feet.

Me: True.

Scott: False.

Emma: It’s true.

Kate: Ha! Mommy is smarter than daddy.

Emma: We all know that, Kate. That’s why we have to train daddy.

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I woke up to Kate pulling my upper lip up.

Me: What are you doing?

Kate: Look at all those adult teeth. Not fair.

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Kate was singing K-State’s fight song.

Scott: That’s right, girl. We’re raising you right!

Kate: I’m doing it right because I want to be a vet. (K-State is a huge vet med school)

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Emma was pricing her old books for a garage sale.

Emma: What should I sell this one for? One dollar?

Me: I’m thinking 50 cents.

Emma: I’ll put $1.50

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Kate: I’m thirsty. Can I have some grape juice in a…you know.

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Special Edition: Oh Kids.

 Kid: No, I don’t want this!

Mom: Eat the tater tot casserole or don’t eat at all.

Kid: Fine. If I eat it, then I get TWO bowls of salad. And a piece of candy.

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Kid: Mom, do you know what my worst favorite nightmare is?

Mom: What?

Kid: A huge tarantula! Jumping on me.

Mom: Oh no!

Kid: Just kidding. It’s really a black widow.

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Mom: (telling her daughter to do something)

Kid: Tell it to my butt because she’s the only one that gives a crap!

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Babysitter: I have a song stuck in my head.

Kid: (puts ear next to babysitter’s head) I can’t hear it.

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Kid: (avoiding going to bed) Mom, I have to go potty.

Mom: You just walked past the bathroom when you came to my room.

Kid: Oh. (walks back to the bathroom. A few minutes later…) Mom, carry me back to bed.

Mom: No.

Kid: My knees  hurt.

Mom: Your knees are fine.

Kid: My neck hurts.

Mom: That’s fine too. Go back to bed.

Kid: (puts back of hand to her forehead and channels Scarlet O’Hara) My bangs! They hurt! I can’t walk!

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Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.