Oh Emma, Oh Kate.
Is there any other O than Oh?
In high school, I worked at a day care. A red-headed mom picked up her 4-year-old red-headed son. Her son said something to her that made her laugh. She looked me in the eye and said, “when you have your own kids, write down the funny things they say. You’ll forget as soon as they say them so write them down. I keep a notebook in my purse. It’s hilarious.”
My 17-year-old self never forgot that motherly advice. That little boy is 22 years old now. I always wonder if his mom kept her notebook all these years. I don’t remember their names and even if I did, I doubt she remembers me. I hope that 22-year-old red-haired boy has a book of his own quotes to read.
I’ve been writing down what my daughters say since Emma was two. It started as an email to family members then found its way to my blog. The mom was right – I forget almost as soon as it’s said. I have to write it down fast.
This is my 80th blog post titled Oh Emma, Oh Kate. I always wonder if it will be the last. I worry one day I’ll wake up and Emma and Kate will be adults. The world won’t be funny anymore.
Yet, somehow they seem to top themselves without ever trying.
The letter O.
Oh Emma, Oh Kate. 80th edition.
Emma: Let’s play hide and seek in the dark outside.
Kate: Hold on, let me download this heat sensor app on my iPod.
Me: Emma! Where are your soccer cleats? Help me look. Do you know where they are?
Emma: Do I look like Siri?
Kate started rolling her tongue.
Me: Where did you learn that?
Kate: (rolling tongue) Beginning of a Pitbull song.
Kate busted into my room on a Saturday morning.
Kate: WAKE UP!
Kate: Mommy! Look!
She walked up to the side of my bed.
Me: Kate, I don’t have my contacts in. I can’t see you that well. Get closer.
Kate rests her stuffed boobs next to my head.
Me: What the?
Kate: Grew me some big ‘ole boobies! HA!
Me: Put my bra away, NOW. Get out.
The girls needed some new flip flops for summer. I took them to Old Navy for some cheap pairs.
Kate: UGH. Why did you take me here?
Me: You need some flip flops and they’re cheap here. And I don’t know your shoe size unless you come with me. Your feet keep growing.
Kate: I mean, why did you take me HERE? I want everything. I want this. This too. Oh, and this. These are cute. This was a bad decision to take me shopping with you.
Inside Old Navy’s dressing room.
Me: Cute shirt, Kate! Let’s get this one. A little cold shoulder top. Love it. Clearance too!
Kate: Yeah! (Kate shimmies)
Me: Are you shimmying?
Kate: I love shimmying in this shirt.
Later that night. Kate wore her new shirt.
Me: Show daddy your shirt.
Scott: Are you shimmying? Do you know what that is? Don’t do that.
Kate: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just showing my shoulders.
Scott walked off. Kate shimmied at him behind his back.
I was writing on my laptop in bed one afternoon. I could see the girls playing hopscotch from my window.
Emma: YOU LOSE, KATE! I WIN!
Kate: (stares at Emma. Walks off to my outside master door. Drags the welcome mat over near Emma, hurls the mat at Emma’s back, then crosses her arms.)
Me: KATE! I SAW THAT!
Me: I know. I saw. Kate, did you just hit Emma in the back with a welcome mat because you lost?
Kate: No. I hit her because she won.
I took Kate on a sushi date. We talked while we waited on our sushi.
Kate: Let’s play truth or dare.
Me: Ok, truth.
Kate: Have you or dad ever picked your butt in front of a video camera?
Kate: Wrong. I saw an old video of you picking your butt.
We were at Scott’s parents for dinner.
Kate: Daddy and I were playing softball in the house and daddy hit the sailfish on the wall with a softball.
Nana: Oh, Scott.
Scott: Kate, why would you tattle on me?
Kate: Because I can tattle to your mom too.
Me: Hey! Emma! Girlfriend, bring your empty plate to the sink!
Emma: Oh, I thought someone would do it for me.
Scott practices softball with Kate every night.
Scott: Ok, so what is your take away for tonight?
Kate: That I like myself.
Scott sent a video of Kate hitting softballs to his friend, Hunter.
Scott: Hunter said Kate hits better than his own son.
I poured myself a glass of wine in a darkened kitchen after the kids were in bed.
Emma: Seriously, mom?
Me: AH! You scared me, Emma!
Emma: This is what you do when we sleep?
Me: Go to bed.
Me: Uh, yes. Go to bed.
Kate: You wanna make an ice cream run?
Kate: You like that, don’t ya?
Me: Go to bed!
Me: Yes. It’s 8:30.
Emma: It’s really 7:30 with the time change.
The girls went upstairs after school one day. It was silent for about 20 minutes.
Me: Scott, do you hear how quiet they are? They’ve been so good lately. No fights.
Emma: KNOCK IT OFF, KATE OR I WILL HOLD YOU DOWN AND FART IN YOUR FACE!
Kate: Mom! Stella got into your bathroom trash and now there’s those white things you put up your butt all over!
Emma: Wouldn’t it be cool to paint on toilet seats?
Emma: Like quotes in pretty handwriting. Like, “Have a seat. Take your time.”
Our neighbors’ were out of town. But their kids were home with their grandma. She’s a good grandma. She always plans some kind of activity for all the cul-de-sac kids to participate in. We received a note at our door.
Me: Cool! A St. Patrick’s Day breakfast! Have the kids come by anytime from 7 am to 9 am on St. Patrick’s morning for a green breakfast!
Kate: 7 AM? I’ll be sleepin’. Guess, I’m coming over at 9.
Kate walked in my room, brushing her teeth with my toothbrush.
Me: Gross! Kate! That’s my toothbrush!
Kate: Emma put my toothbrush in the toilet so I’m using yours.
Kate: Can we make a leprechaun trap?
Me: A what?
Kate: You make a trap and the leprechaun leaves you money.
Me: Uh, we’re not Irish.
Kate: Our neighbors do it.
Me: Are they Irish?
Kate: They’re from Colorado or something.
Scott: Kate, pick up your shoes!
Kate: Knock it off. You’re mommy’s teenage son and don’t pick up either.
I pushed through radio stations in the car.
Me: Ugh, Justin Bieber. I don’t like him.
Me: He’s doesn’t seem very nice.
Kate: Well, his music makes me feel nice.
Kate: Hey mom! Will you check my cursive on the computer?
Scott put Kate to bed.
Scott: Good night, Baby Got Back Becky.
Kate: Good night, little nipples.