You’re not good-looking.
The terms swipe right and swipe left are terms from the dating app, Tinder.
I am married. I have two daughters, two dogs, a cat, a beautiful home, and my iPhone stores my credit card number for me.
I swipe up.
I swipe up on Instagram stories. I swipe up all the time. I swipe up when Scott’s asleep next to me. I swipe up in front of his face as he’s talking to me. School car line? Swipe up. Grocery store line? Swipe up! Sitting in the parking lot of the gym? Fling!
If you’re wondering, “Julie, what the hell are you talking about.”
I’ll tell you what I’m talking about. THE FASHION BLOGGERS ARE RUINING MY LIFE. Ok, my life isn’t ruined. I have a lovely life. But now I’m buying their life and damn, I am rocking this casually draped jacket over my shoulders on this humid 85-degree day.
Cody’s probably going to kill me for posting this but it’s really highlighting my susceptible tendencies, not hers.
I swipe up.
I can’t stop watching fashion bloggers’ Instagram accounts. It’s like a fashion magazine come to life. I get excited when I see their perfect faces pop up in my feed because it’s like turning a new page. The babies never cry. The toddlers never have meltdowns. The husbands are silent props. The inside of their houses are white. White, you guys. Who has white interior? Fashion bloggers living in a fantasy world. It’s a world where I’m an outsider, looking in. My face is pressed against the window and staring.
Do I want a perfect life? Yes, who wouldn’t. I swipe up for sweaters. Pants. Shoes. Rugs. New restaurants I need to try out. Makeup. Even fresh flowers sitting in my kitchen sink for no reason. Did you know certain nail polish colors trend? They do and I have them.
And do you know what else happens when I swipe up?
I’ll tell you what happens – Scott finds out.
Scott: Hey! What’s this charge? Did you buy something for $89?
Me: What? Oh. What did I buy? It might be the joggers I accidentally bought. Such a good deal for under $50.
Scott: Wait, what did you buy?
Me: $89. I don’t really remember. That might be a rug runner too.
Scott: Ok, well I was just making sure our credit card wasn’t stolen.
Me: Scott, I’m buying Becky’s life. I need help, I think.
Scott: What? Who’s Becky?
Me: Me. I’m Becky. My whole outfit – Becky. Our house decor – Becky. She’s like my own stylist or something. Here, look. She’s a fashion blogger. Her blog’s name is Cella Jane but her real name is Becky. And actually, she lives in Kansas City. Look, she has these swipe ups on her Instagram stories and this is how I shop now.
Scott: Tell Becky Swipe Up that she’s draining our bank account.
Me: I don’t know her personally. But…
Scott: What did you do?
Me: Nothing. I did nothing. It’s just…she works out at Fusion and I haven’t seen her yet. I just want to see her look like crap after a workout. No one escapes Fusion without looking like a drowned rat. I need to see the perfection fall a little bit.
Scott: You are out of control.
Me: Sometimes I see her chipped nail polish in her stories. It makes me feel normal.
Do I know, deep down, every fashion blogger rips ass under the sheets at night? Of course I do.
Being a social influencer is a job. It is a full-time job to appear magazine-perfect through special cameras and photo editing. Ripping ass and waving the sheets towards their husbands’ faces is the behind-the-scenes we’ll never see. Their babies cry. Their toddlers have meltdowns. All couples argue, even on date nights. No one is perfect. I know that.
Do I think Becky Swipe Up will read these words? I’d say the chances are high. Our town is big but not that big. I’m ok with being the woman that looks like a drowned rat and rips ass under the sheets. That’s who I am.
I am a humor writer, not a lifestyle blogger.
But it doesn’t stop me from swiping up. And the rug wasn’t an accident.
And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”