Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

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I walked in the living room. Emma and Kate were watching Princess Diaries 2.

Me: Hey girls. Oh, I love this movie! Did you know Julie Andrews is Mary Poppins? (singing) Just a spoon full of sugar helps the….

Kate: Princess Mia is 21 and she can drink wine now.

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Me: Don’t put a lot of salt on your food, please.

Emma: That’s your own opinion.

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We took the girls to an outdoor concert in Minnesota. Kate followed me to the port-a-potty. I used the handicapped stall so we could both fit inside. I didn’t want her waiting outside in the dark by herself.

Me: Here, hold my wine glass.

Kate: Ok.

Me: And here.

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket. Kate “cheers” the wine glass to my phone.

Me: Hold my phone too.

Kate: Oh, I thought you wanted to cheers.

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Scott: LET’S GO, KATE! WHAT’S TAKING YOU SO LONG?

Kate: Knock it off, mommy’s teenage son.

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Kate: Can I make lunch?

Me: Sure. We have mac and cheese, sandwiches, and ….

Kate: Blah blah blah.

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Emma: KATE! Oh, my gosh! I think there’s a rat in your room!

Kate: WHAT!

Emma: Oh, wait. It’s you.

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Scott: You can never have boyfriends, Kate and Emma.

Emma: Neither can you, dad.

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Me: Let me pull that tooth out, Kate. It’s just hanging there.

Kate: No! I’m going to pull your teeth when they fall out!

Me: Mine already fell out. I have adult teeth.

Kate: I mean when you’re an old granny.

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Kate: Where did you go?

Me: I did a workout class with Cody.

Kate: Did Cody make it funner?

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In a crowded grocery store aisle.

Kate: Oooooo!! MOM! Remember these things?! Sooo good!

I took the margarita mix out of her hands and put it back on the shelf.

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Me: You better not be texting boys on your iPod, Emma.

Kate: I have a boy I text.

Emma: What?!

Kate: Papa’s my boy.

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I tried on a new shirt in front of Kate. I was checking out my backside in a mirror.

Kate: NOT cute on the back.

Me: What?

Kate: Just my opinion.

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Scott, Kate and I went shopping at Nordstrom for their Anniversary Sale.

I took Kate to the kids section while Scott shopped in the mens. I checked out at the register.

Saleslady: These socks are nice colors.

Me: Oh. My husband picked those out for himself downstairs. He’s down there now.

Saleslady: Such a good deal too.

Me: Yeah, he’s good at finding deals.

Saleslady: These jeans are adorable.

Me: For my other daughter. She’s not here.

Saleslady: And I’m guessing these are for you, young lady?

Kate: Yeah.

Saleslady: And what about you? The whole family got something but you!

Kate: HERS IS COMING IN THE MAIL. SHE SPENT ALL DAY SHOPPING YOUR SALE ONLINE.

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Kate walked in my writing room with one of my expensive charcoal facial masks smeared all over face.

Me: KATE! HEY! Is that my charcoal mask?! Those are so expensive! You need to ask me before you go through my face stuff.

Kate: (lips not moving because the mask hardened) Don’t make me laugh.

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My in-laws were driving the girls somewhere.

Nana: People with food allergies are getting bad nowadays, huh? Even Southwest Airlines won’t serve peanuts if someone is allergic to them.

Kate: Maybe those people need to think about driving to their place.

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Scott, Emma, Kate and I were driving in the car.

Emma: Can we go to Winstead’s? I love their shakes.

Scott: No.

Kate: Mom, you don’t have to let dad decide. You’re the mom, you know.

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Emma knocked down Kate’s hula hoop.

Kate: HEY! Dad! She knocked down my hula hoop!

Scott: Then defend yourself, Kate. Hit her back!

Me: SCOTT. Don’t tell Kate that! She’s going to …

Kate hit Emma.

Emma: OW! I’M TELLING NANA AND PAPA HOW YOU’RE PARENTING, DAD!

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In the car.

Emma: Stop smiling, Kate. It’s annoying me.

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Kate: Can I have a Luden’s? My throat hurts.

Me: Ok, but your friends can’t come back over.

Kate: What?! Why?

Me: If you’re throat hurts, that tells me you’re sick. I wouldn’t want your friends to catch something contagious from you.

Kate: (swallows) Just checking. Yeah, my throat doesn’t hurt anymore. Weird.

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Special Edition: Oh, kids

Lane, 2nd grade: Has anyone ever told you that a candy cane looks like a crow bar?

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Lane: Wyatt, rain is just God sweating.

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Gabby, kindergarten: You can call me Cicada now.

Me: Like, the bug?

Gabby: Yes. That’s my name now. Cicada.

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Me: Goodnight, girls!

Savannah, preschool: But I want to talk about booties.

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Colton, 1st grade: I remember when Stella was a puppy!

Me: Aw, I know! She was so little!

Colton: She was tinier than my sister’s head.

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Evelyn, preschool: Can I watch Sofia on your TV?

Me: Well, the TV isn’t working.

Evelyn: Maybe it’s dead and it needs to be charged.

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

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Me: It’s 9:00! Go to bed!

Kate: Mom, it’s 8:49.

Emma: Yeah mom, stop rounding.

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Kate: Wait, a minute. Are you writing down what I’m saying?

Me: Yes.

Kate: Write to the people that I said you have a big butt.

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Kate: Happy New Day’s Eve!

Me: What?

Kate: Every day is New Day’s Eve.

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Kate: Can you imagine the first person to eat an egg?

Me: Yeah, can you imagine someone saying, “I should eat that thing sliding out of a chicken’s butt.

Kate: What?!

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Emma: MOM! I picked off a scab where Kate scratched me and now I’m bleeding again and basically this is all Kate’s fault and needs to be grounded again.

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Kate: My temperature is 89.1.

Me: That’s low. Pretty sure you’d be dead. That’s not right.

Kate: I put it on my chest.

Me: Well those kind of thermometers need to be put inside your body – like under your tongue. Or up your butt.

Kate: Butt?

Me: Sometimes they do that for babies since they can’t hold a thermometer under their tongue.

Kate: What about poking inside the eye?

Me: It’s placed somewhere in your body that wouldn’t hurt, crazy.

Kate: So putting things up your butt doesn’t hurt?

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Kate: What was your first job?

Me: I worked at a daycare.

Kate: Yeah right.

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Leaving for the pool.

Me: Anyone need to pee before we go?

Kate: Nah, I’ll just go in the pool.

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Hostess: If you can follow me, your table is ready.

Kate: I’d rather just sit at the bar.

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Me: STOP. FIGHTING! Kate! Stop being bossy. I’m going to start calling you momma bear!

Kate: Stop it, mom! I’m going to start calling you mommy bear don’t care!

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Me: Girls, today is the first day of summer!

Kate: It is?

Me: Yep, longest day of the year.

Kate: In real life?

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I asked Emma and Kate the same question, but separately. They didn’t hear each other’s answers.

Me: So who’s the cutest boy in your grade?

Emma: Ugh, mom. They’re all so annoying.

Me: So who’s the cutest boy in your grade?

Kate: Why are YOU askin’?

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Emma: Mom! Kate’s being rude to the neighborhood kids!

Me: What did she do?

Emma: She said we live in the biggest house on the street and she’s making people feel bad.

Me: KATE! GET IN HERE! NOW! Kate, you watch your mouth. Stop saying we live in the biggest house on the street. One – it’s not true. Two – Stop saying things like that. How would you feel if someone said that to you?

Kate: Sorry. The words just come out of my mouth.

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Emma walked in the kitchen.

Me: Hm, I don’t think Kate will like my dinner tonight.

Emma: Looks good to me. Who cares? The kid will survive.

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Kate had a friend over.

Friend: What’s this?

Kate: That’s a National Geographic Kids book. My mom gets free stuff from them because she writes for them. They’re in Washington, DC.

Friend: Where’s Washington, DC?

Kate: (points) Like, way over there or something.

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At Target with Kate.

Kate: I need a new bikini.

Me: You have a lot of swimsuits! No, you don’t.

Kate: Only one bikini.

Me: You’ll have to ask your dad about that one.

Kate: He won’t understand. He’s a boy.

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Kate rambled something.

Me: Sorry, I was reading something. What did you say?

Kate: Don’t make me waste my voice again.

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Kate: Emma has lipstick on!

Me: I don’t care.

Emma: Kate, you wear lipstick too!

Kate: No, I don’t. DON’T make me raise my voice at you, Emma!

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Me: Ready for math camp next week, Emma?

Emma: Ugh, I don’t know why you’re making me do this.

Me: Because your teacher highly suggested it before middle school. I put you in the same week as one of your friends. I figured you’d have a funner time.

Emma: Funner is not a word, WRITER.

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I was working on an article for SimplyKC magazine. Kate walked in my writing room.

Me: Hey, this is a work day for me. You need to get out of here.

Kate: Sorry. Can’t. I’m not old enough to leave the house on my own.

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Me: Oh my gosh, girls. 105 heat index today.

Kate: No wonder I’m so hot! I thought it was my shirt.

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I took the girls out to get things for our upcoming road trip to Minnesota. I pulled up to the library.

Emma: Can we stay in the car?

Me: No. It’s too hot. And I need you two to pick out some library books here for our road trip.

Emma: I thought we were going to Barnes and Noble.

Me: We are because I need to get something from there. You’re going to get books from the library. It’s free here.

Kate: But everything in life is free to me and Emma.

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There’s a new grocery store in our part of town. I took the girls in to check it out on the first day. A lady handed Emma a store map. Emma opened the map.

Emma: We are here. And this is where mom made us follow her into the exit door because she doesn’t read signs.

 

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Oh Kids: Nieces Edition. 

I put sunscreen on myself before I got my nieces ready for the pool.

Evelyn, 4: You smell like swim lessons.

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I took my nieces to the library. I let them walk around the kids’ section with other kids playing.

Kid: Is that your sister?

Evelyn, 4: Yes, her name is June.

Kid: Oh.

Evelyn: You should say hi to her.

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Me: Do you take naps with your nana, Evelyn?

Evelyn: No, I don’t take naps.

Me: Oh. Hm, are you lying to me?

Evelyn: No.

Me: I’m going to ask your nana.

Evelyn: But you can’t ask her because she doesn’t lie.

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

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Kate: Do you have a bra on?

Me: No.

Kate: Good.

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Emma had a friend over.

Elle: HEY! I NEED TOILET PAPER!

Emma: Just shake it off and let’s go!

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I was driving the girls somewhere.

Kate: Telling dad you turned on a red light.

Me: You can turn right on a red light after a stop.

Kate: Oh. Still telling him.

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After school.

Me: Hey, where did you get that band-aid on your toe?

Kate: School.

Me: What happened?

Kate: Nurse said it’s infected and I told her YOU yanked off my hangnail this morning. It was all YOU.

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Kate: One time, I told the school nurse my throat hurt so she gave me a cough drop. I told her one time I asked you for a Luden’s cough drop and you took one too. And then I told the nurse that your throat didn’t even hurt, you just ate the Luden’s cough drop and told me not to tell dad.

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Emma opened presents on her birthday.

Emma: A magic 8 ball? What’s that?

Me: You ask it questions and you shake it and then it will tell you the answer.

Kate: So like Siri but better.

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Me: Emma, help Kate write her birthday thank you notes, please.

Emma: Ok, Kate. After you write “to,” write “thank you” and then whatever gift they gave you. Then write, “Love, Kate.” And then write “this friendship is OVER.”

Me: EMMA!

Emma: What? It would be hilarious.

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Me: Your hair is a mess.

Kate: Thank you for telling me that. How sweet a mother you are.

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Kate and I were waiting in line at Chipotle. The line was long.

Kate: Hey, mom.

Me: Yeah.

Kate: I bet you we could cut in this line.

Me: We’re not doing that.

Kate: I know. But I bet we could.

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Kate: I wish sunset was a color.

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Kate jumped in my bed. She grabbed my boob.

Me: KATE! Stop!

Kate: What? I saw you playing with daddy’s nipple in bed.

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Emma dropped a piece of food.

Emma: 5 second rule!

Kate: Chloe and I have a 30 second rule.

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Me: Hey, Kate. Come here. I can’t see my back. Is this a tick?

Kate: Hm. No. It’s like red and it has a white nipple in the middle.

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In the car.

Me: Ready for your soccer game, Emma? Do you have your soccer ball for warm ups?

Emma: I don’t know where it is. So yeah.

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I picked up the girls from school.

Emma: MOM!

Me: Oh God.

Emma: MOM! Kate and her SQUAD. Kate’s the leader, by the way. Kate and her SQUAD sat on the sideline of my soccer game during PE.

Me: How did she sit in on your PE?

Emma: We played outdoor soccer and Kate had recess the same time. Every time I got the ball, her and her squad chanted “BOO! EM-MA!”

Me: KATE!

Kate: Mom. I don’t have a squad.

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Kate’s teacher emailed me.

Kate’s teacher: By the way, Kate’s hair is totally cute today. I told her I love her braid and she whips it off and says, “thanks. It’s fake but still cute.”

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I took Kate grocery shopping. We passed the pre-packaged Rice Krispies.

Kate: One time, at school, I found one of those Rice Krispies in my lunch and I thought I didn’t like it. But I tried it and liked it and I was like, “Mommy, why you holding out this long?”

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Kate: I was at gymnastics today and they played your song, mommy!

Me: What song?

Kate: Bruno Mars! 24 Karat Magic. I was like, “UGH! MOMMY!”

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Me: Hey, Kate. Go tell Emma to come down here.

Kate: Can I yell?

Me: No. Go get her.

Kate: Is daddy here?

Me: No.

Kate: EMMMMMM-MMMMMMMAAAAA!

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Me: Kate, are you wearing Emma’s PJs? She’s going to be mad when she gets home.

Kate: Well, Emma is just going to have to deal with it.

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Me: How are both of you already tanner than me? I’m the half Mexican here.

Emma: Then maybe you should stop sending us outside all the time.

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Emma: Mom, look. It’s a swimsuit.

FullSizeRender.jpg

Kate: Yeah a swimsuit with a ….

I glared at Kate, waiting for her to finish.

Kate: What daddy has.

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Scott: No one listens to me in this family. If I were to say “the earth is round” one of you would disagree.

Emma: Actually, the earth’s atmosphere isn’t perfectly round.

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I’ve been helping my sister, Jenna, these past few weeks with watching her two daughters, Evelyn (4) and June (2). Aunt Jules is always listening.

Me: Where’s Evelyn? I’m ready to take her.

Jenna: Pooping.

Me: Oh, I’ll wait.

Jenna: I shut the door to the bathroom and she told me to leave it open.

Me: What?

Jenna: She said she wants you to see her pooping as soon as you walk in.

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Evelyn: You look 40. Are you 40?

Scott: I feel 40 but no, not 40. Next time you see me I’ll drink from the fountain of youth and look 20.

Evelyn: It won’t work.

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Evelyn: I love my mom more than hopping.

Me: Hopping?

Evelyn: Like a bunny.

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Evelyn: Who held me first when I was born?

Me: I wasn’t in the room. You would have to ask your mom that. I’m sure your mom or dad held you first.

Evelyn: I remember this. I remember my mom holding me.

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Evelyn: Poop duty.

Me: Huh?

Evelyn: Poop duty. You think Emma and Kate would like those words?

 

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The letter O.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Is there any other O than Oh?

In high school, I worked at a day care. A red-headed mom picked up her 4-year-old red-headed son. Her son said something to her that made her laugh. She looked me in the eye and said, “when you have your own kids, write down the funny things they say. You’ll forget as soon as they say them so write them down. I keep a notebook in my purse. It’s hilarious.”

My 17-year-old self never forgot that motherly advice. That little boy is 22 years old now. I always wonder if his mom kept her notebook all these years. I don’t remember their names and even if I did, I doubt she remembers me. I hope that 22-year-old red-haired boy has a book of his own quotes to read.

I’ve been writing down what my daughters say since Emma was two. It started as an email to family members then found its way to my blog. The mom was right – I forget almost as soon as it’s said. I have to write it down fast.

This is my 80th blog post titled Oh Emma, Oh Kate. I always wonder if it will be the last. I worry one day I’ll wake up and Emma and Kate will be adults. The world won’t be funny anymore.

Yet, somehow they seem to top themselves without ever trying.

The letter O.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate. 80th edition.

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Emma: Let’s play hide and seek in the dark outside.

Kate: Hold on, let me download this heat sensor app on my iPod.

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Me: Emma! Where are your soccer cleats? Help me look. Do you know where they are?

Emma: Do I look like Siri?

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Kate started rolling her tongue.

Me: Where did you learn that?

Kate: (rolling tongue) Beginning of a Pitbull song.

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Kate busted into my room on a Saturday morning.

Kate: WAKE UP!

Me: UGH.

Kate: Mommy! Look!

She walked up to the side of my bed.

Me: Kate, I don’t have my contacts in. I can’t see you that well. Get closer.

Kate rests her stuffed boobs next to my head.

Me: What the?

Kate: Grew me some big ‘ole boobies! HA!

Me: Put my bra away, NOW. Get out.

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The girls needed some new flip flops for summer. I took them to Old Navy for some cheap pairs.

Kate: UGH. Why did you take me here?

Me: You need some flip flops and they’re cheap here. And I don’t know your shoe size unless you come with me. Your feet keep growing.

Kate: I mean, why did you take me HERE? I want everything. I want this. This too. Oh, and this. These are cute. This was a bad decision to take me shopping with you.

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Inside Old Navy’s dressing room.

Me: Cute shirt, Kate! Let’s get this one. A little cold shoulder top. Love it. Clearance too!

Kate: Yeah! (Kate shimmies)

Me: Are you shimmying?

Kate: I love shimmying in this shirt.

Later that night. Kate wore her new shirt.

Me: Show daddy your shirt.

Kate shimmied.

Scott: Are you shimmying? Do you know what that is? Don’t do that.

Kate: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just showing my shoulders.

Scott walked off. Kate shimmied at him behind his back.

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I was writing on my laptop in bed one afternoon. I could see the girls playing hopscotch from my window.

Emma: YOU LOSE, KATE! I WIN!

Kate: (stares at Emma. Walks off to my outside master door. Drags the welcome mat over near Emma, hurls the mat at Emma’s back, then crosses her arms.)

Me: KATE! I SAW THAT!

Emma: MOOOM!

Me: I know. I saw. Kate, did you just hit Emma in the back with a welcome mat because you lost?

Kate: No. I hit her because she won.

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I took Kate on a sushi date. We talked while we waited on our sushi.

Kate: Let’s play truth or dare.

Me: Ok, truth.

Kate: Have you or dad ever picked your butt in front of a video camera?

Me: No.

Kate: Wrong. I saw an old video of you picking your butt.

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We were at Scott’s parents for dinner.

Kate: Daddy and I were playing softball in the house and daddy hit the sailfish on the wall with a softball.

Me: SCOTT!

Nana: Oh, Scott.

Scott: Kate, why would you tattle on me?

Kate: Because I can tattle to your mom too.

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Me: Hey! Emma! Girlfriend, bring your empty plate to the sink!

Emma: Oh, I thought someone would do it for me.

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Scott practices softball with Kate every night.

Scott: Ok, so what is your take away for tonight?

Kate: That I like myself.

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Scott sent a video of Kate hitting softballs to his friend, Hunter.

Scott: Hunter said Kate hits better than his own son.

Kate: Obviously.

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I poured myself a glass of wine in a darkened kitchen after the kids were in bed.

Emma: Seriously, mom?

Me: AH! You scared me, Emma!

Emma: This is what you do when we sleep?

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Me: Go to bed.

Kate: No.

Me: Uh, yes. Go to bed.

Kate: You wanna make an ice cream run?

Me:

Kate: You like that, don’t ya?

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Me: Go to bed!

Emma: No!

Me: Yes. It’s 8:30.

Emma: It’s really 7:30 with the time change.

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The girls went upstairs after school one day. It was silent for about 20 minutes.

Me: Scott, do you hear how quiet they are? They’ve been so good lately. No fights.

Emma: KNOCK IT OFF, KATE OR I WILL HOLD YOU DOWN AND FART IN YOUR FACE!

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Kate: Mom! Stella got into your bathroom trash and now there’s those white things you put up your butt all over!

(Tampons)

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Emma: Wouldn’t it be cool to paint on toilet seats?

Me: Huh?

Emma: Like quotes in pretty handwriting. Like, “Have a seat. Take your time.”

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Our neighbors’ were out of town. But their kids were home with their grandma. She’s a good grandma. She always plans some kind of activity for all the cul-de-sac kids to participate in. We received a note at our door.

Me: Cool! A St. Patrick’s Day breakfast! Have the kids come by anytime from 7 am to 9 am on St. Patrick’s morning for a green breakfast!

Kate: 7 AM? I’ll be sleepin’. Guess, I’m coming over at 9.

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Kate walked in my room, brushing her teeth with my toothbrush.

Me: Gross! Kate! That’s my toothbrush!

Kate: Emma put my toothbrush in the toilet so I’m using yours.

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Kate: Can we make a leprechaun trap?

Me: A what?

Kate: You make a trap and the leprechaun leaves you money.

Me: Uh, we’re not Irish.

Kate: Our neighbors do it.

Me: Are they Irish?

Kate: They’re from Colorado or something.

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Scott: Kate, pick up your shoes!

Kate: Knock it off. You’re mommy’s teenage son and don’t pick up either.

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I pushed through radio stations in the car.

Me: Ugh, Justin Bieber. I don’t like him.

Kate: Why?

Me: He’s doesn’t seem very nice.

Kate: Well, his music makes me feel nice.

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Kate: Hey mom! Will you check my cursive on the computer?

___________

Scott put Kate to bed.

Scott: Good night, Baby Got Back Becky.

Kate: Good night, little nipples.

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

O.jpg

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Me: Let me pull your tooth out.

Kate: Let me pop that zit on your back.

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Me: Why won’t you play softball this summer? You’d be so good!

Kate: Because I’ll probably have a weird named team.

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I picked up the girls from school on the day Emma went to school with no braces.

Me: Hey Emma! Did you show your class your smile?

Emma: Yeah, everyone noticed and were like, “whoa.”

Kate: Any boys kiss you?

Me: KATE.

Kate: What? She looks prettier.

Me: Knock it off. She’s always pretty.

Kate: I know she’ll have boys kissing her before boys kiss me. (sighs)

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In the car.

Me: Girls, you ready for sunny and 75 this weekend?! Let’s lay out on the driveway and feel the warm sun.

Emma: YEAH!!

Kate: (rolls down window and sticks her head out) BIKINIS AND SUMMA SUMMAAAAAA! WOOOOOOOO!

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Me: Come on, Kate. Wake up.

I pulled Kate up, out of bed.

Kate: UGH! JULIE BUG! NO!

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Me: STOP! FIGHTING! I can’t take it!!

I walked into Kate’s bathroom. She was staring at me by looking through the mirror while she brushed her teeth. She rinses her toothbrush, flings the toothbrush water at the mirror.

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!

Kate: Flinging water at you.

Me: Grounded.

Kate: Worth it. Hair flip. (flips hair)

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Kate: I’m on a sugar hiiiiigh!

Emma: Kate, stop being weird.

Kate: Fine. I’m going sugar freeeee!

Emma: Stop being more weird.

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Emma walked in my bedroom.

Me: Hey, Em.

Emma: I forgot what I was going to say. Hold on.

Emma walked out then walked back in.

Emma: Ok, I remembered.

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Kate: I’m the princess of the family. And Emma is the bully.

Emma: STOP, KATE!

Kate: It’s true.

Emma: STOP IT!

Me: Stop. Both of you. If we were royalty, your dad and I would be the heirs to be king and queen on both sides of the family since we’re both first born. That means, Emma – you would be the next queen. Kate would only be queen if Emma were to die before having children.

Scott: Julie.

Me: It’s true.

Emma: HA! Kate, I’m the next queen. That means I’m more powerful than you!

Kate: I’M STILL THE PRINCESS. You’re still the bully.

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Kate: Mom, you’re my BFF.

Me: Really?! Awwww!

Kate: Big fat fart.

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Emma borrowed my phone to text Scott while he was in Florida.

IMG_2503.PNG

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Kate: Can I open the soup package?

Me: No, let me get scissors. You’ll open it and it will fall all over the floor.

Kate: That’s how normal people do it.

__________

I played the classic rock station on Pandora while I straightened Emma’s hair. “Carry On Wayward Son” started playing.

Me: Who is singing this?

Emma: Hmmmm…

Me: I’ll give you a hint. It’s a state.

Emma: America.

Me: A STATE.

Emma: California? Florida? New York?

Me: No. Another hint: it starts with a K.

Emma: Kentucky!

Me: IT’S THE STATE YOU LIVE IN.

Emma: Oh! Kansas!

__________

Me: Let’s take a picture.

Kate: I’m a little sensitive when it come to taking pictures. No, thanks.

Me: Where did you hear that? Smile.

Kate: Pay me $1 per picture with smile.

__________

Me: OH MY GOSH, KATE!  What happened to your legs? You’re bleeding all down your legs!

Kate: Ran through a rose bush. Kinda hurt so I just kept running through it. I don’t care. It’s just blood.

Me: You ran through a rose bush.

Kate: What do you want me to do? Fly over it?

__________

Me: What should I caption this picture of Emma and daddy?

Kate: What’s a caption?

Me: When you write a sentence or two, explaining the picture.

Kate: Oh. Hm, well how about “Emma’s dad calls Emma ‘boo’ sometimes as a nickname. But one day, he accidentally called her ‘boobs’ and Emma hates it.

__________

Kate: You know how Grandma calls everyone’s name with an “I-E” at the end of it? Like Katie, Scottie, Emmie….

Me: Yeah.

Kate: What if she called Emma’s new nickname with an “I-E”?

Emma: Kate, what are you talking about? What nickname?

Me: KATE.

Kate: Boobs. Boobie. Hey Boobie!

Emma: STOP IT, KATE!

__________

Me: You smell like a Thin Mint.

Kate: I didn’t eat five.

__________

I was listening to the radio after I picked up the girls from school.

Emma: What are they talking about?

Me: Shoplifting. Who do you think is more likely to shoplift, men or women? Like, steal something from a store without paying.

Emma: Boys!

Kate: Girls. Because they can sneak out like, hanging on the ceiling, doing cartwheels and flips and stuff.

__________

I picked up sushi to-go with Kate. We had to wait for our order. Kate picked up a magazine.

Kate: How do you be on the cover of a magazine?

Me: Well, depends on the magazine.

Kate: What about this magazine?

Me: It looks like it’s a local business. So this flower business paid the magazine money to have the owner be on the cover in this issue.

Kate: I want to be on a cover.

Me: Better have some money if you want to be on this magazine’s cover.

Kate: I’ll just take yours.

__________

Kate handed me a mint from the sushi restaurant.

Kate: I think it’s a fruit flavor.

Me: Looks like blueberry from wrapper.

I put the mint in my mouth.

Me: Tastes like…it tastes like wine? Weird.

Kate: Lemme try one. No, not wine. It tastes like cranberry juice.

__________

I helped Kate with homework.

Me: Ok, so what is the opposite of south?

Kate: West.

Me: Not south, but…

Kate: East.

Me: Down is south. Up is….

Kate: West! Southeast! East West!

__________

Scott was in bed with Kate, saying goodnight. The lights were off and it was pitch black. Kate started giggling.

Scott: Shhhhhh

Kate: You shhhhhh. I’m pushing my nostrils up. Shhhhhh

__________

Me: You’re so sloppy.

Kate: Cool.

__________

I was writing on my laptop at the kitchen counter. I feel my ponytail being pulled back.

Me: Ow!

Kate: Thanks for the ponytail holder.

__________

My niece, Evelyn (almost 4): I like your face and your braids in your hair.

__________

My nephew, Ben (age 3): Dad, are you my uncle?

My brother-in-law, Mark: I’m your dad.

Ben: Uncle Scott is my uncle?

Mark: Yes.

Ben: I miss my uncle.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

 

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Me: Good night, Kate.

Kate: Night, Becky.

Me: BECKY?!

Kate: Look at her butt, Becky.

__________

Kate: What are you doing?

Me: Taking down your Christmas lights in your bedroom window. It’s not Christmas anymore.

Kate: What makes a string of pretty lights, Christmas lights?

__________

The girls started crossing their eyes at each other.

Me: Gross! Stop.

Scott: Did you know if you cross your eyes for a long time, they’ll stay that way?

Emma: That’s not true. That’s just something parents say to their kids.

Kate: Yeah, dad. Remember that picture of you holding a beer and crossing your eyes. They’re not stuck.

__________

Kate: How do you spell, “Joe’s?”

Me: G-O-E-S.

Emma: G?!

Me: Oh, sorry. J-O-E-S.

Emma: Way to go, writer.

__________

Emma: Did you know farts stink because of the bacteria in your butt?

__________

Kate received a Garmin Vivofit, Jr. for Christmas. It’s a watch that tracks her activity and sleep levels. It also allows me to give her virtual “coins” for doing chores.

Me: So when you do a chore on my list, let me know and I’ll give you a coin.

Kate: Ok, got it. And what if I lie to you?

__________

Me: Kate, take a shower. Don’t be the stinky kid at school tomorrow.

Kate: I like being the stinky kid.

Me: Why would you want to be the kid that stinks?

Kate: It means I had fun.

__________

I was flipping through radio stations in the car. “Drunk on a Plane” starts playing.

Emma: STOP!

Me: This song?

Emma: I love this song.

__________

Me: Kate, will you shovel the driveway?

Kate: Emma said she has a fun way of shoveling.

Me: How?

Kate: She puts me on the shovel and pushes the snow up on me.

__________

Me: Do you want ketchup or mustard on your hot dog?

Kate: What do you think?

Me: I don’t know.

Kate: You just said the answer. N-O.

__________

Kate gave us a coupon book of “free chores” for Christmas.

Scott: Let me get my coupon book. I’m going to use a coupon tonight.  Let’s see…put dishes away, 10-minute back rub, take trash out, which one do I want to use…

Kate: Only one.

Scott: What does this say? Free 30 minutes playing on daddy’s phone?

Kate: I made myself a coupon.

__________

Me: KATE. I’M YOUR MOTHER AND YOU LISTEN TO ME.

Kate: JULIE. I’M YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU LISTEN TO ME.

__________

Kate: I want Ramen noodles.

Me: No, enough Ramen. It’s not good for you. There’s a lot of salt in it.

Emma: Mom, your shirt says Salt Life.

__________

Kate gets in the car after school.

Kate: Ah, I love breaking rules.

__________

We played Monopoly Jr. one night.

Me: Ok, whoever wins this game wins a real dollar.

Kate: YAY! From Emma’s piggy bank?

__________

Kate made a pretend “doggy daycare” shop.

Me: It’s 8:30! Time to go to bed!

Kate: Nope, sorry. My shop doesn’t close until 9. I gotta work.

__________

I picked up the girls from school.

Kate: There’s a boy in my class that went on a cruise with his family.

Me: That’s nice.

Kate: He got a haircut on the ship.

Me: Yeah, cruise ships have cool little places like that. It’s like a small town.

Kate: I need a haircut.

Me: Please don’t.

Kate: On a cruise ship.

__________

Kate: What’s a weenie?

Me: Why?

Kate: Heard it at school.

Me: I don’t know.

Kate: Daddy has one, doesn’t he?

__________

Me: Goodnight, Kate.

Kate: Night, you sloth.

__________

I gave the girls their backpacks before we walked out the door.

Me: You two both wear your backpacks on both shoulders.

Emma: What?

Me: I used to wear one strap over one shoulder. Like this.

Emma: Mom, only kids who think they’re cool do that.

Kate: Mom! Don’t you want your back to be supported? What’s wrong with you?

__________

I dropped Kate and Emma off at their Nana and Papa’s house. It was dark. Kate got out of the car first. She ran to the front of the garage door so the headlights shined on her. She put her sunglasses on, did a shimmy, gave me a peace sign and struts to the front door.

Me: WHAT?!

Emma: Mom. Don’t you know what kind of teenager she’s going be?

__________

Me: Wake up!

Kate moans in bed.

Me: Wake up! I told you! Should have went to bed earlier last night.

Kate sits up in bed, eyes still shut, and pushes me off the bed.

__________

Emma: Can I go over my friend’s house after school? It was her birthday at school and she has extra popsicles. She said we could eat the rest at her house.

Me: Sure. What kind of popsicles?

Emma: Uh, the kind that stains my shirt really bad right here.

 

__________

Emma: We read a Scholastic magazine in class today. At the end, there’s a question that makes you think about the article.

Me: What was the question?

Emma: Is it ok for parents to put their kid’s pictures on Facebook or Instagram without the kid’s permission?

Me: Hm. What do you think about that?

Emma: I think it’s ok for parents to do that. I like it when you post my picture or write about me.

Kate: I don’t. Let me see it first.

Me: Ok, here’s another question – at what age does a child have the right to say no? When a baby is born, almost every parent I know will post a picture of the baby because they’re proud. A baby or toddler doesn’t have an opinion. What if a pre-schooler screams, “NO!” to everything? What age should a parent take their request seriously?

Emma: Hm, maybe when the kid can read?

Kate: TAKE OFF MY BABY PICTURES, MOM!

__________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Scott and Kate got in an argument before bed. I checked on Kate before she fell asleep.

Me: Good night, Kate!

Kate: Tell daddy to come in here.

Me: Really? I thought you were mad at him?

Kate: I have words with him.

__________

I picked up the girls from school. Emma slammed the door, mad.

Me: What happened?

Emma: KATE. She brought me my water this morning.

Me: She did? I gave you your waters before school?

Emma: You switched water bottles. She walked into my class and said, “Emma! You switched water bottles and now there’s your slobber all over this.” And she LICKS MY WATER BOTTLE IN HER HAND. The whole class starts laughing and now they know our family is weird.

__________

Me: Your purse is so full.

Kate: I come to life prepared.

__________

Me: It’s snowing!

Kate: I want to eat yellow snow.

Me: What?

Kate: I want to eat (puts up air quotes) YELLOW. SNOW.

__________

Kate watched Fuller House on Netflix. Scott was next to her, watching football on TV.

Kate: Watch this part, dad.

Scott: Hold on.

Kate: No, you really need to watch this.

Scott: Wait. What is it?

Kate: It’s her first kiss.

Scott: WHAT?!

Kate: Watch it!! They’re kissing. It’s my favorite part.

__________

I talked to Kate before putting her in bed.

Me: Mmmm. You smell like daddy. Like his soap.

Kate: I used his soap in the shower.

Me: Really? His bar soap?

Kate: I like putting it up my butt then I laugh because I know daddy gets to use it next.

__________

Kate and I play a game called Panda Pop on my phone and Kate’s iPod.

Me: Guess what, Kate? Panda Pop gave us unlimited lives today! I played it the whole time you were at school! Ha!

Kate: UGH! Oh yeah? You’re just jealous of my summer birthday.

__________

Kate: Why do you wear makeup?

Me: Um, I don’t know. I like it?

Kate: I think you just want to look pretty.

__________

Kate dropped her pen.

Kate: Oh, you mother.

Me: What did you say?

Kate: Nothing.

Later that night, Scott dropped his phone.

Scott: Oh, you mother.

__________

I have my own column in Simply KC magazine (starting in January’s issue). The column is about my life. The magazine needed a few photos of me with the kids so they sent a photographer to my house.

Me: Don’t forget we have a photoshoot after school today. Tell your teachers you’re going to be in a magazine!

Kate: Like, totally. (flips hair) I’m totally going to be in a magazine. Like, gorgeous. (laughs)

Emma: (makes an ugly face with buck teeth and crosses eyes) Hey teacher? You think I’m real pretty? You think I’m pretty enough for a magazine?

__________

Text message from our neighbor, Chris: Does anyone have some Kraft yellow cheese? I’m too lazy to go out and buy some.

Me: If it’s unhealthy, we have it. I’ll send Kate down.

Chris: Thanks for the cheese. Kate said, “here’s the cheese and my mom isn’t going to return that Halloween trophy you won. She’s keeping it at her house.”

__________

We were celebrating Christmas with extended family.

Emma: What’s everyone talking about?

Me: This. I’m one of the funniest parents on the Today Show again!

Emma: What does it say?

Me: This.

img_0745

Emma: UGH! Mom! I’m funny too! Write what I say. Don’t listen to Kate!

__________

 

Kate was sliding on a sheet of ice on our patio.

Me: KATE! Be careful! You’re making me nervous!

Kate: No, mom! It’s fun!

__________

Emma: One time, I was in the car with dad and we saw a truck driving on snow in a parking lot, making huge circles.

Me: It’s called making donuts.

Kate: Probably a truth or dare.

__________

Me: Life lesson, girls. When someone farts on your face, you jab your finger up their butt like this. (I push my finger up Scott’s butt)

Kate: That’s disgusting!

Emma: So if someone farts on  your face, you have the fart on your face AND you have it on your finger too? Gross, mom.

__________

Me: Kate, what color do you want me to paint your nails?

Kate: Check my Pinterest board.

__________

Kate asked me to braid her hair in my bathroom.

Scott: Kate, do you want to go coyote hunting with me?

Kate: Nope! I’m gettin’ fancy today.

__________

Kate: Daddy, sometimes I love you. Sometimes I don’t.

__________

We were having Christmas dinner with family.

Me: Are you going to sit at the kids’ table?

Kate: Something like that.

Me: What does that mean?

Papa: She told me she’s sitting at the dessert table alone so she can sneak desserts on her plate.

__________

Our Christmas tree fell in the night. I was busy helping Scott the next morning while Kate had my phone. Emma was at a friend’s house. I found these text messages on my phone:

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__________

I played “Baby Got Back” on my Bose speaker.

Me: “Oh my God, Becky. Look at her butt. It is so big.”

Scott: Will you turn that off? The kids are listening.

Me: They’ve heard it before.

Scott: Don’t let them listen to that!

Me: Ugh. Oh my God, Becky. Fine. (I turn off the song)

Kate: Oh my God, Becky. Look at mom’s butt. It is so flat. Like flatter than a pancake.

__________

Emma: Papa called us.

Me: He did?

Emma: I tricked him.

Me: What do you mean?

Emma: I answered and I said, “9-1-1 what’s your emergency.”

Me: What did Papa say?

Emma: He said he has explosive diarrhea.

__________

 

Kate: What are you writing about?

Me: Well, it’s a blank screen right now. What should I write. Here. I’ll type what you say.

Kate: Hmmmm. For the people. By Kate Burton.

Me: Ok, got it. A by-line. Good. Now what?

Kate: One time my mom wasn’t watching me closely and I fell down the stairs and broke my leg. I was one. It hurt.

Me: I’m not writing that.

Kate: Then tell the people about the staples pushed on my top of my head.

Me: No.

Kate: I’m done writing for the day.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

 

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Scott: True or False?

Kate: I love this game!

Scott: One day, in college, mommy showed her boobs to people at a bar.

Me: SCOTT.

Kate: Hmm. False.

Scott: Correct. Because if mommy were to do that, she would go to jail.

Kate: No, she wouldn’t.

__________

Emma: So Donald Trump will be the new President?

Me: Yeah.

Emma: So he has to move into the White House?

Me: Yep.

Emma: He probably won’t like that too much?

Me: Really? Why do you think?

Emma: That must be much smaller than his other houses.

__________

Emma: Mom, I saw Kate today at school.

Me: Aw, you did? You guys never see each other.

Emma: Our lines crossed in the hallway.

Me: That’s cute.

Emma: Yeah, Kate pushed me against the wall and then she goes back into her line and waves at the rest of my class and says, “oh! Hello, everyone!” And the class is like, “oh your sister is soooo cute!”

__________

I waited in the school office for Emma. I had to take her to an orthodontist appointment. The school office has all glass walls. I see Kate’s class walking down the hallway. I looked for Kate and found her.

Kate sees me and does a double look.

Me: (waving) Hi Kate!

Kate: (makes an angry face, points at me, and continues walking)

__________

Kate: Did you know Siri doesn’t know everything?

Me: She’s a computer.

Kate: Google knows everything.

__________

Kate’s friends came over and asked if Kate could spend the night. I said that was fine. Kate brought down her overnight bag and headed towards the door.

Me: Wait! Kate! Give me a hug! I’m going to miss you!

Kate: I’ll miss you too, mommy.

Me: You can stay here if you want.

Kate: When I’m packed, I’m gone. Bye!

__________

Me: Here’s my birthday list, girls. I’m going to send daddy and you all over town!

Emma: Mom. Don’t treat us like slaves. I’m learning about slaves now. Don’t treat us like that.

__________

Kate: How much was your tattoo, daddy?

Scott: About $1500.

Kate: Ha! Well, that’s a waste.

Me: A waste?

Kate: Yeah, that’s a lot of money, honey. (snaps)

__________

Scott was putting our Christmas lights up on the house. Kate and her friend stood on the driveway, watching.

Friend: My dad would never do that. He’s scared to be on the roof.

Kate: My dad is scared of Alice in Wonderland and NOT Game of Thrones.

__________

Kate: Why does your middle name only have two letters?

Me: Ann has three? A-n-n.

Kate: Oh, I thought it was A-n. Like the word.

__________

The girls were watching Full House. It was the episode when Rebecca and Jesse get married.

During the middle of the wedding…

Kate: Man! This is horrible!

__________

In the car.

Kate: Can I play with your phone?

Me: No. When I was a kid, we didn’t have phones or iPods to play with in the car. Look out the window.

Emma: When I have kids, I’m going to say we didn’t have whatever new invention they have.

Me: Probably.

Kate: When I have kids I’m going to tell them we had iPods that went dead and when they died we couldn’t use them in the car.

Emma: Yeah, and that GRANDMA wouldn’t let us use her phone.

__________

Kate: How do you say meatloaf in Spanish?

__________

Me: Let Stella outside. She needs to go pee.

Kate: No.

Me: Please, it’s my birthday.

Kate: You’re not the queen of me.

Me: I’m asking nicely.

Kate: SCOTT! LET YOUR DOG OUT! SHE HAS TO PEE!

__________

Me: Kate, before you go upstairs, will you put my glass in the sink?

Kate: I’m not your wine maid.

__________

Emma: Mom, there’s only two ice cream bars left. Kate has one and I have one. You can have mine if you want. I can find another snack. I know they’re your favorite.

Me: Oh, can I? I’ll take it if you want to eat something else.

(I look at Kate, holding her ice cream bar)

Kate: They’re so gooood! You can’t have mine!

__________

Me: Where’s my pillow?

Scott: Oh. Forgot to tell you. Kate came in here and took your pillow.

Me: So now I have this dink kid pillow?

Scott: She said you could have hers. Yours is much better so she’s taking it.

__________

Text message from Kate.

Kate: Mommy, will you get me and Emma Dunkin Donuts?

Me: Yes, when I wake up.

Kate: Go now.

__________

I was reading “Weird But True” facts from a National Geographic Kids book with Emma.

Me: Ha! Listen to this – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has the world record for amount of selfies taken in one minute.

Emma: Why is that funny?

Me: Your dad loves him.

Emma: Why? Because dad’s middle name is Duane?

__________

Still reading the Weird But True book with Emma.

Me: Aw, kids that grow up with a dog have a less chance of developing asthma in their lifetimes.

Emma: Did you also know that kids with dogs have a higher rate of being late to school?

Me: What?

Emma: Can’t blame me for being late to school now.

__________

Me: It’s 8:30, girls! Bedtime!

Emma: Nope.

Me: Uh, yes. School night.

Kate: Nina told us you didn’t go to bed until 9:00 on school nights.

Emma: New bedtime!

__________

Scott and I were getting the kids’ school things ready in the morning while the girls looked for Buddy, the elf. They left the kitchen but we could still hear them.

Kate: Where is he, Emma?

Emma: I don’t know.

Kate: Where’d they hide him?

__________

 

Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous, if you wish.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

__________

Kate: The remote is out of batteries.

Me: I’m pretty sure your dad used all the batteries for the trail cameras. Just go use your fingers.

Kate: How do I do that?

Me: Walk up to the TV and turn it on with the side button.

Kate: It can do that?

__________

Scott: Oh, Kate. One day you won’t love me anymore.

Kate: Yeah. I’ll probably like you though.

__________

Me: Kate, go feed the dogs!

Kate: You’ll have to pay me.

Me: No, this is your chore. Feed them.

I make dinner and we sit down to eat. Stella snuck pieces of bread from everyone’s plate.

Me: Kate, didn’t you feed the dogs?

Kate: I told you! You need to pay me!

__________

Scott: (screams and throws an article of clothing out of the laundry room)

Me: WHAT?! What happened?

Scott: What is that. A baby bra?!

__________

Emma: Can I get this game for my iPod?

Me: Let me see. Ugh. Emma, it’s like for kids.

Emma: Mom, I’m a kid.

__________

Kate walked inside the house from playing outside.

Kate: (laughing) Mom!

Me: Yeah. Did you have fun at the park?

Kate: Emma saw a bunch of construction workers at a house and talked to them.

Me: WHAT? Girls! No. You know better. Don’t do that. Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know.

Kate: But it was all in Spanish!

Me: WHAT.

Kate: Emma was like, “Hola, amigos!” and they said “Hola, amiga!” And then Emma said “Como estan?” and the construction workers said “asi, asi.” We talked until we couldn’t understand them anymore and we rode our bikes away.

__________

Me: GIRLS! STOP LEAVING FOOD IN THE BASEMENT. DO YOU WANT MICE?! A STALE BROWNIE. HARD AS ROCK.

Kate: I’m not really a brownie person. But I know one girl that is.

__________

Scott and I were watching the Presidential debate. Emma walked in the room.

Emma: Who’s that?

Me: That’s Bill Clinton. Hillary’s husband. He used to be President.

Emma: Bill Clinton did?

Me: Yep. Before you were born.

Emma: I thought Bill Clinton was her dad.

__________

Me: Kate, do me a favor and go get me some wine. We’re out.

Kate: Ha! I can’t drive!

Me: Yeah, and you’re not 21 either. I was kidding.

Kate: Wait. You have to be 21 to buy wine?

Me: Yep. 21 years old to buy beer, wine or liquor.

Kate: But how do they know how old I am?

Me: It’s called getting carded. You’ll have to show them ID, like a drivers license with your birthday on it.

Kate: Can’t I just write my name with a permanent marker on your license?

__________

Scott: Finally! You’re done with Game of Thrones! Isn’t it good? Doesn’t Arya Stark remind you of Emma? She’s a little badass.

Me: Ha! Yes! Arya is totally Emma. Do you think Kate is Sansa Stark then?

Scott: Kate is Cersei Lannister.

__________

Scott’s parents watched the girls overnight. The next morning, they dropped Emma and Kate off at home.

Jeff (Scott’s dad): The girls told us something interesting last night.

Me: Oh great.

Jeff: Well, Nana made meatloaf for dinner last night. They said daddy used to call hot chicks “meatloafs.” And that mommy is definitely a meatloaf.

Me: SCOTT. A piece of meat, are you kidding me?! I’ve never heard you call me a meatloaf.

Scott: I never told them that!

Emma: Yeah, you did! You said you and your friends would have a code word and “meatloaf” was a hot chick.

Kate: Uh huh, dad. Mommy’s a meatloaf. (snaps)

__________

Scott: Kate, why are you wearing a t-shirt and underwear? Get dressed.

Kate: Because mommy does.

__________

Me: Oh, why are my babies both sick?

Kate: Probably because you keep asking if we want hot lunch.

__________

Scott put the girls to bed while I was out on a girls night. I get a text message from Scott:

Scott: I’m putting Kate to bed and she asks for a bedtime noise from the sleep time app. You’ll never guess which noise she asked for.

Me: Which one? Ocean waves? Whales? Frogs?

Scott: No. Think Kate.

Me: The glass with ice cubes clinking?

Scott: Yep.

__________

Kate: (shouting from her room) I don’t love you, mom!

Me: Do you love me now?

Kate: At about 5%!

__________

Me: Kate, when you die on your iPod game it’s time for bed.

20 minutes passed.

Me: Ok, it’s been 20 minutes. I know you died by now.

Kate: Still breathing.

__________

Me: Ugh. Kids, this car is so dirty.

Emma: And why do you think that is? Because you decided to have Kate.

__________

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__________

I slept through my alarm one morning. I woke up at 9 am. I woke up because I heard the girls fighting upstairs. I ran upstairs.

Me: GIRLS! You’re playing Nintendo?! Why didn’t you wake me up?! You have school. It started 30 minutes ago!

Emma: Oh, I didn’t know we had school.

Kate: We let you sleep in.

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Emma: Where are you going tonight?

Me: To see a stand-up routine.

Emma: What’s stand-up?

Me: Stand-up comedy.

Emma: Huh?

Me: When someone stands on a stage and they just tell jokes. Stand-up. You’ve never heard of stand-up comedy before?

Emma: People do that?

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Kate: So, uh, can I ask you something?

Me: Yeah.

Kate: (face turns bright red) So daddy was saying that Brett is coming to town? On, like, Tuesday or something?

Me: Yes, Brett will be here Tuesday.

Kate: I have four days to get ready then.

brett

Brett.

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Emma: Did you know that the world is going to end on November 9, 2016?

Scott: Why?

Emma: Because both Presidents are evil and no matter which one wins, they will ruin the world.

Me: Who told you that?

Emma: Heard it at school.

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Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: Mom, you can’t vote for Hillary. She wants to sell guns to Mexico. You need to vote for Clinton because he wants to build a wall to keep the killer clowns out.

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A mom and her teenage son were eating lunch after a doctor appointment. They were discussing his injury and what the doctors said. The son got quiet and looked thoughtful for a long stretch. She thought he must be thinking through everything related to his injury.

Son: Mom, I really want a pet chicken.

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Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

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The girls had some friends over. They were collecting rolly pollies in a bowl in our backyard.

Kate: This one is totally a boy. Look at that little thing dragging.

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Me: Girls! Good song! Jack and Diane. Do you know who sings this song?

Emma: No.

Me: John Mellencamp. But his name used to be John Cougar.

Emma: What? People can change their name?

Me: Yes, but I’m not sure if it was a real name change or if it’s a stage name because he’s a singer. But yes, you can change your name if you want. It’s probably a pain.

Emma: So I can change my name?

Me: I’m sure when you’re 18 or something, if you wanted to change your legal name, you can.

Emma: So I can change it to Kate PicksHerNose Burton?

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I dropped the girls off at school in the morning.

Me: Emma, don’t forget I’m pulling you out of school early for your orthodontist appointment.

Emma: Ok.

Kate: WHAT?!

Me: Knock it off, Kate. She has a doctor’s appointment.

Kate: (Slams door. Stomps on sidewalk. Turns around and glares at me as I drive away, sticks tongue out at me)

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Me: Kate, do you want to hold William? (The girls’ newest baby cousin)

Kate: I already held him once, a long time ago.

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Me: Kate, your bruise on your eye looks like it hurts.

Kate: Nah, only when I blink.

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I painted the girls’ toenails.

Me: Kate, you have your daddy’s toes.

Kate: Good.

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Me: Oh, Emma. I think your sports bra shrunk?

Kate: I’ll take it!

Me: You don’t need a sports bra.

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Emma: MOM! Kate is raising her eyebrows at herself in the mirror and she’s only wearing a sports bra!

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In the car.

Me: Girls, daddy said to meet us out for dinner. Where do you want to go?

Emma: Not anywhere with food. My stomach hurts.

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Kate: So when we going to Costa Rica?

Scott: What? Who told you anything about Costa Rica?

Kate: No one. Just sounds fun. Can we go?

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In the car.

Me: UGH! Girls! Rule number one when you drive: don’t be a slow driver. People will yell at you TO HURRY UP! FASTER, CAR! This is so dangerous. They are so dangerous, girls. WHO DRIVES 50 MILES PER HOUR ON A HIGHWAY!

Kate: Are you telling us you want us to drive with a lead foot?

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Me: Kate, will you feed the dogs?

Kate: Emma needs to learn how to be responsible.

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Kate: Mom, I accidentally brought my iPod to school.

Me: Uh oh. Did you keep it in your backpack?

Kate: Yeah, I just kept it in there since we’re not allowed to have them.

Me: Oh, ok. Good.

Kate: But then we were taking a test and it was all quiet and my Crossy Road game beeped at me to start playing Crossy Road. And I was like, “uh, hope no one heard my Crossy Road in my backpack.”

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The girls baked Scott a cookie cake before he arrived home from Colorado.

Emma: I’ll put on frosting.

Kate: And then we’ll save it for Sunday, when gets back. We can eat it after Daddy see it.

Emma: Well, Kate. Maybe we can take a picture of it and start eating it tonight.

Kate: And maybe save him one slice? Yeah, let’s do that. Take a picture, Mom.

img_8253

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It was the weekend Scott was in Colorado. I was watching a movie in my bedroom on a Friday night. The girls asked if they could hang out with friends on our front patio with the lights on. I told them it was ok with me. I heard Kate rummaging around the kitchen. The front door opened.

Kate: COCKTAILS! (slams door)

I ran out to the front patio. Kate has a tray of drinks.

Kate: Crushed or cubed?

Me: What are doing?

Kate: Handing out waters.

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Emma: Mom, can Kate and I ride our bikes to the pond?

Me: I guess. But watch for cars. Stop every time you cross the road and look both ways. Ok?

Emma: Got it.

The girls come home after about 45 minutes.

Me: Did you have fun? Wait, Kate where are your shoes?

Kate: Ha! Well, that’s funny. I didn’t even notice they were gone. I guess I forgot my shoes at the pond.

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Scott: Did you put on makeup?

Kate: Yes.

Me: It actually looks really good. Did one of your friends do it?

Kate: I did it.

Me: Really? It’s sorta amazing.

Kate: I’ve spent years watching you, Mom.

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Kate: These raspberries need something. Hmmmm, lime zest. Yes.

Me: Lime zest? Who uses lime zest?

Emma: Mom, she watches Food Network now. She thinks she’s on a show.

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Kate: When I get a car, I’m getting a Jeep.

Me: I can totally see you in a freaking Jeep.

Emma: What about me, mom?

Me: Cute, little two-door sportscar. That’s what I drove in college.

Emma: That sounds way warmer in the winter than a Jeep.

Me: You can put the cover back on a Jeep. It’s not open all the time.

Kate: Or just keep cover off, keep doors off and me wearing a winter coat when I drive.

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Scott: Uh, Kate just saw me in my underwear.

Me: So?

Scott: And she said “really, dad? Poking out? My friends are here.”

Me: Was it poking out?

Scott: No! Just normal, protruding I guess.

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Special Edition: Oh Kids.

My niece, Gabby (4), was at my house.

Gabby: Why does Emma have braces?

Me: To straighten her teeth.

Gabby: Oh, were they curly?

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Our friend, Hunter, came over to help Scott plant a tree. He brought his daughter, Mikaela (3).

Mikaela: What’s your name?

Me: You know my name! Julie.

Mikaela: I don’t think I like that name.

Me: Me either.

Mikaela: What’s Scott’s name?

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Mikaela: What are you doing, Julie?

Me: Talking to your dad and Scott out my window. See them?

Mikaela: I don’t really care what my dad says.

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Mikaela: What are you going?

Me: Now I’m doing laundry.

Mikaela: My dad never does this.

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Kid, 4: Does “playground” start with “ice cream”?

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The family dog was pooping in the backyard.

Kid, 6: I sure hope a mole doesn’t go up his butthole.

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Kid, 6: Hey mom! Did you know Abraham Lincoln would have lived longer if he hadn’t gotten shot in the head?

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Kid, 20 months: (grabs his mom’s boob) Ooo! Ball!

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Kid, 4: If mom and dad die, will Mamaw and Papaw take care of us?

Kid, 5: Uh, no. Thor and Elsa will.

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Kid, 4: (smacks little brother on the arm)

Dad: Why did you do that?

Kid, 4: Satan made me do it.

_________

Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram