The letter R.

Robbed!

I was robbed. I was ripped off.

The letter R.

Revenge.

I had a garage sale today. It was my first garage sale.

I’m a believer in signs before impending doom. My sign was at 7:30 this morning. I opened my garage door and looked at my blank slate – an open driveway. It was ready to be filled with tables full of house decor, books, American Girl doll accessories, and kids clothes. There were several paintings, dining room chairs, and a twin bed.

I walked down the driveway to post my “Garage Sale” sign and there it was – the omen – a pile of dog shit in the middle of my driveway. I kicked the small logs with my shoe. It smeared because it rained the night before. I ran inside the house and grabbed paper towels.

There I was, at 7:42 a.m., scrubbing shit off concrete like Cinderella.

The day went well. I didn’t even need to haggle because I lowballed every item. A woman asked me if the American Girl earring holders were American Girl’s brand. I said yes and showed her. She bought one for her daughter.

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I looked at the other one after she left and thought, “oh, she must only have one daughter.”

At 12:07 p.m. traffic slowed down and I decided to bring in what I had left.

Gone. The other American Girl earring holder was gone. I looked in the yard to make sure it didn’t blow away. I looked through the baskets I set on the table. Nothing. Someone stole my $3 American Girl earring holder.

For that three dollar American Girl earring holder payment, I will go to bed knowing I am sending three dollar karma their way.

Three dollar karma: karma that isn’t detrimental. It won’t make someone suffer. But it might just be enough to ruin a person’s day. Oh, I don’t know – kinda like someone STEALING FROM THEIR GARAGE SALE.

  • I hope you wake up with a pimple on your butt. When in the sitting position, your body weight will painfully press on the pimple and you have to adjust the way you are seated.
  • I hope you have to listen to your dog slurp its crotch at 4 a.m. The disruption will keep you awake until you have to actually get up out of bed a few hours later.
  • I hope your cookies are cleared from your computer. I hope you can’t remember every lower case, upper case, numeral, and special character correctly to re-login. You will be forced to click “Forget password?” every time you login somewhere.
  • I hope you forget your headphones at the gym.
  • I hope your cat brings you a tick tonight while in bed. A tick you can’t reach in the middle of your back.
  • I hope the next time you sit on a plane, someone farts next to you. Why someone else and not you? So you can smell the inner bowels of someone else’s anus and then worry that the rest of the plane thinks it’s your stinky ass.
  • I hope every time you go out with friends your own age, your friends get carded and you don’t because you look old.
  • I hope the next time you drink a few beers, you suffer through a 3-day hangover so bad that water makes you gag and Taco Bell doesn’t even sound good.
  • I hope your sunscreen is expired and you get sunburn blisters all over your body and brand new baby wrinkles are born.
  • I hope your favorite Netflix show you’re into only has one season then cancelled.
  • I hope someone steals from your own garage sale.

Thank you for your business.

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