Google this.

I’m excited for the weekend.

I’m excited because I have nothing going on. Nothing. It’s the middle of the November and I have nothing going on. I can’t remember the last time I had a free weekend. The summer, maybe? I don’t know.

I am in my PJs. The girls are watching Home Alone in the living room. I am in my writing room, hanging out with you beautiful people. I have a glass of red wine and Spotify’s “Your Favorite Coffeehouse” station on. The fireplace is lit, raising the temperature way past Scott’s liking. Scott’s still out of town.

What do you want to do?

I have an idea!

I haven’t done this in awhile. I’ll take you behind-the-scenes on my blog. Let’s see what people ask Google. 

I can see what people google when they click a Google link to my blog. Anyone with a website can see your google search leading you to them.

These are real google searches in the past 90 days. These searches lead people to my blog. Sometimes I can tell which blog post got the hit, sometimes I can’t.

Let’s snoop around. Grab a glass of wine.

Kirby Engelman/Who is Kirby Engelman/How old is Kirby Engelman/National Geographic Kirby Engelman  – By far, this is my most googled search term lately. It’s always on a Saturday. Kirby Engelman is a host for National Geographic Kids show, “Weird But True.” I interviewed Kirby and her brother a few years ago. The show is cute, you should check it out. Everyone else is. [National Geographic Kids: Weird But True]

Why would a man have an epidural? – Because his back went out. [Men get epidurals too]

Can a man get high from an epidural? – No. I didn’t get high with an epidural while giving birth. I wish I did. But then again, I’m not a man.

Do epidurals work on men? Yes. We all have the same spinal column.

Why do guys react worse to epidural? – Because they’re the weaker sex.

Why do bloggers want you to swipe up? – This question is referring to Instagram. Swiping up is a way to add a link to your Instagram stories. If I had a funny blog post I wanted people to see, I would say in my story, “hey guys! Swipe up for the link!” When you swipe up, it would take you directly to the link. The swipe up feature will only be added to your account once you hit 10,000 followers and you like showing off. I have 5,230 followers. [Swipe Up]

I was born Nov. 25, 1948. When is the next time my birthday falls on Thanksgiving? – First of all, Happy 69th Birthday! The answer to your question is 2021. You will be 73 that year.

Birthday ideas for husband whose birthday falls on Thanksgiving – One, that is so sweet of you to make a Thanksgiving birthday special for your husband. Two, I would suggest an actual cake and not pumpkin pie. No pie at all, really. He’s had pie on or around his birthday every year. Give him cake. And ice cream. And candles. And a giant sign to let your families know this is his day and screw you pilgrims for stealing his birthday thunder. 

What do you do if your birthday is on Thanksgiving – You hug your family when they arrive and then you wait. You’re waiting to see if they remember to say “happy birthday” after they tell you “Happy Thanksgiving.” I mean, it’s only a little awkward. You pray to the pilgrims and Mayflower or whatever. You eat a dinner you didn’t choose. You eat pie. Unless you have an amazing wife trying to make this day special. She probably went to Pinterest. I need a refill on my wine. [Thanksgiving steals my birthday thunder]

Men never learn – Amen, sister.

Julie Burton blog Kansas City – What’s up.

Deer sitting on couch – Welcome to Julie Burton’s blog in Kansas City. This is actually Scott’s favorite blog post of all time. [The rack]

Naked Kansan – Hey, now. Not that kind of blog.

FML stories I walked in on my sister shaving – I mean, I’m a little bothered that you decide your sister shaving is the FML part and not your sister naked. But whatever. You must not live in Kansas.

Cat has been suckling herself for 3 years, is this ok – I’m not a vet.

Grandma can’t handle dick in ass she’s farting – Oh my God, you guys. This is a real search term. There are people out there googling this. I have nothing to say. I don’t know whether I want to laugh – bravo for farting, grandma – or be scared. Just stop. Get off your computer.

Well endowed husband – What about it. [My husband is well endowed]

Husband too endowed – I’m getting the impression you don’t like this. Don’t buy the car without test driving.

Muscular well endowed docs – So close! Scott’s not a doctor.

Hard nipples workout – I don’t know the answer to this. Are you even working out? I get all hot and sweaty and I want to die and everything inverts. Focus on your own workout, dude. I know you’re a dude. Believe me, no woman cares about nipples unless she’s having nursing problems. And even then, she’s probably crying. I need more wine.

How long has Julie Burton worked for Whea – Not this Julie Burton. Apparently there are a lot of us but it’s not me. This Julie Burton is drinking wine and talking to you beautiful people.

____________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

pepper2017

The letter J.

Oh, the pervs of the Internet.

Search engines play a role in driving traffic to your blog or website. Businesses know this and will invest in what’s called SEO – search engine optimization. Imagine how many companies show up after googling, “car rental companies.” If you owned a car rental company wouldn’t you want to be the first on Google’s list? You’re going to have to pay for that.

I don’t pay for crap.

I don’t know my long-term plan with this blog. I give you free entertainment and you listen. But I would write to myself, really. Believe me, if any of this started to feel like “work” then I’d shut this thing down. As far as branding myself – it would take an investment in SEO, for sure. But I’m just a woman with a laptop and a life.

I’m rambling about myself. I’ll stop.

The letter J.

No, it’s not Julie.

What was I talking about? Oh. Yes. Perverts. If my blog shows up because of something you googled – I can see your google search term. Most google search terms are obvious which blog post got the hit.

Recently, “Charlie Engleman” shows up every Saturday. That would be my National Geographic’s Weird But True post.

Or every November I see, “Thanksgiving birthday.” I got your back, google searcher. Thanksgiving Steals My Birthday Thunder.

But sometimes I see the perverts. “Sexy man in jockstrap” or “man on man jockstraps” or “woman wearing jockstrap.”

Get out of here, I didn’t wear a jockstrap. But I did write about one. I had questions. Scott had answers. This post still receives hits almost every month.

The letter J.

The Jockstrap. Written April 16, 2014.

__________

Scott doesn’t read my blog.

I know, it’s a little surprising. He will read a post if I ask him to read it. He will also read a post if it gets a lot of attention from his friends on Facebook. His response to not reading my blog is –

“I live the blog.”

Scott won’t read this post.

You guys, he wears lingerie clips when he plays hockey.

I was laying in bed with Scott last night. We were watching baseball. My eyes fell to the cute pitcher’s butt. I mean, it’s like right there.

Hm. I wonder if baseball players wear jockstraps? I can’t tell from the TV. I should ask Scott. Wait. Don’t ask Scott. He’ll think I’m dumb. They’d have to wear them. The flying ball might hit the hanging balls. Right?

Me: Do you have a jockstrap?

Scott: Yeah, it’s in my hockey bag.

Me: Can I see it?

Scott: What?

Me: I don’t think I’ve ever seen one.

Scott: It’s a piece of plastic.

Me: Go get it.

Scott: No! It smells like hockey gear.

Me: You don’t wash your jockstrap?

Scott: I don’t know. Yeah, I’m sure it’s been washed.

Me: Does it cover everything hanging? Like all cupped up in a ball of plastic?

Scott: (raises his eyebrows) Are you serious? I slip the plastic piece inside the strap and it covers everything.

Me: Doesn’t it, like, chafe? That can’t be comfortable.

Scott: No, it doesn’t really chafe. It’s not the most comfortable thing.

Me: If I were a guy, I would just go without it. That’s got to be annoying.

Scott: If you were a guy, you would be wearing one if you knew what a blow to the balls feels like.

Me: Are there sizes?

Scott: Yes.

Me: And….

Scott:

Me: May I ask what size you are?

Scott: I don’t know, it’s based on underwear size.

Me: So like a medium.

Scott: MEDIUM?!

Me: LARGE! Sorry, large. I forgot you’re a large. So you wear a large size jockstrap. Is that the biggest one?

Scott: I’m done talking to you.

Me: Wait, wait. I don’t know these things! I’m a girl. I’m fascinated. We don’t have sons. I’ll never know. How does it stay there? You’d have to have a thong for it to stay down over the balls.

Scott: No. I don’t have a string up my butt. I put my legs through the straps and it sits on my hips.

Me: I’m so confused. Go get it.

Scott: No. You can go in the garage and get my hockey bag off the wall if you want to see it.

Me: Don’t make me google image search this.

Scott: Ok. It has a waist band, the straps go here on my hips to hold it up. There’s a slip here to put the plastic cup in. My socks that hold my shin guards go up over my knee. I clip the straps to the socks.

Me: STOP. You clip straps to the socks?

Scott: Yes.

Me: You mean tell me you wear those bra strap looking things on your legs? Like when you see a woman in full lingerie. Those clips that hold the panty hose up. The clips that men drool over.

Scott: I’m sorry. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen lingerie so I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: You know exactly what I’m talking about. I didn’t know they made lingerie clips for hockey players! HA!

Scott: What are you laughing at?

Me: All those hockey players wear lingerie straps! This just puts whole new perspective on the fighting. Don’t you feel sexy throwing punches? Hey, these are kinda hot.

Scott: What are you doing?

Me: Google image search.

Scott: Is this a porn site?

Me: No, it’s google image search: jockstrap. This is what shows up. Where’s the sexy clips?

Scott: You’re going to get viruses on your computer.

Me: It’s a google image search! Maybe I’m looking for a new jockstrap for my husband or son. Google doesn’t know why I’m googling jockstraps. Oh, wait. They have a separate section for hockey jockstraps. Ah, here we go. Oooo sexy clips for the hockey playa. You men. You want women to dress in these yet here you are wearing them with other men.

Scott: It’s a JOCKSTRAP. MEN WEAR JOCKSTRAPS. I’m going to bed.

Me: Wait, do baseball players wear them?

Scott: Good night.

_________

Three years later, I realize that I, too, am a pervert of the Internet googling “jockstraps.”

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

J.jpg

I took the Christmas tree down on Christmas.

Last night –

Scott: You are the only one on earth taking down a Christmas tree on Christmas.

Me: Doubt it. Hold on a second.

Google search: current time in Australia

Me: Me and the people in Australia where it is 3:11 pm, tomorrow.

Scott: You’re insane.

Me:  And the Type A people. Wait.

Google search: type A personality

Scott: You’re not Type A. Get off your phone.

Me: Look at you on the couch with your phone! You’re not even helping me!

Scott: I’m not helping taking down a Christmas tree on Christmas.

Me: The holidays are over.

Scott: It’s still Christmas.

Me: I’ll be overwhelmed tomorrow seeing all this Christmas stuff up.

Scott: Leave it until New Years.

Me: No, that’s way too long. Your dog keeps drinking the tree water. This tree is dead.

Scott: It was dead when we bought it. I’m going to bed.

Me: Fine. I’m done anyway. This tree is ready to feed the fish.

Scott: The fish don’t eat it. It’s a hiding place.

Google search: why do you throw a christmas tree in a pond.

Me: Damnit. Whatever.

Scott: Get off your phone.

In bed –

Me: You know, I can think of several people we know that will have Christmas decorations put away by tomorrow.

Scott: Goodnight.

Google search: when to take down a Christmas tree. 

 Me: What the hell is this. Sometime in between January 1st and January 15th. Some celebrate the 12 days of Christmas. Who celebrates the 12 days of Christmas? Never heard of it.

Scott: Told you.

Me: The 12 days of Christmas are just an excuse to be lazy. Ah! FOUND IT. Before December 31st – take your tree down before the bells toll at midnight. Otherwise, it’s said you’ll be dragging all your baggage and bad luck from last year into the new year. BOOM. There we go. My people. Checking off my list of crap to do.

Is your tree down? Will it be down before December 31st? Or will you wait until January? You don’t want to be carrying that bad baggage over, do you? Are you on your phone a lot because you’re winning arguments with your spouse by google? 

 

Google search.

There is no privacy in blogging.

Wait, stop. I take that statement back – bloggers write and photograph what they want others to see. We can control privacy. We can even screen comments.

We just can’t control who reads it.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – bloggers can see what you put into google after you click the blogger’s link. Sometimes I can tell which blog post got the hit. Sometimes I can’t.

Google search: I’m calling you out, freaks of the internet.

___________

who is brett cannon dating – One of my most common search terms. Stick around and I’ll find out. He’ll be at my house later this week to turkey hunt with Scott.

I'll save ya a click.
Here, I’ll save you a google search.

iphone love text screen shots – I’m married. This is all I got. It’s hard making couples date nights.

IMG_3971


does tyler farr smoke cigarettes – Hm, I don’t remember him smoking when I went fishing with him. To be honest, I was more concerned about sliding down the boat while peeing in an empty bucket and landing in Tyler’s lap.

*And for the record, I am not this cool. This is called the Brett Cannon Effect. You get to fish with famous people.

Tyler me
No cigarette. No bucket of my pee in your lap. High five!

bug bytes ** www bug bytes blog ** bug-bytes.net ** ksu bug blog ** bug bytes blog ** bug – bytes ** bugbytes.net ** bugbytes blogspot ** bug blog k-state ** bug bytes blog julie burton ** bugbytes ** julie burton** – You know, you don’t have to google search this every time you want to read my blog. Just put your email in the subscription box. I won’t tell a scamming soul.

dirty phone call of nurse – So what color scrubs are you wearing?

nude girls at country stampede – I don’t think I’ve ever…wait. Got it. Yes. Yes, circa 2003. Scott’s “show your titays” sign at Country Stampede. Scott never saw any titays. Maybe because “show your titays” is degrading to women, SCOTT. scottcs scott penis covers – Wait, what? FullSizeRender my husband wears a jockstrap to bed – Really? Why? What kind of pounce moves are you guys doing?

jockstrap is a bra for your butt – Not really.

men in jockstraps – I’m regretting writing about a jockstrap.

negative Jayhawk – I don’t know you but I like the way you think.

bugs at st louis cardinals stadium – And cardinal poop in your hair. Probably. Just guessing. Can’t trust those bird mascots. Go Royals. Go Wildcats.

girl says kenny chesny isn’t circumcised – I’m starting to feel sorry for celebrities. People throw their private information all over the Internet. They can’t even go fishing in South Florida without some chick throwing a high-five picture all over social media. Or writing about how your eyes dropped to my boobs mid-conversation, Kenny. 

jack sparrow with cigar  – How the internet connected my blog and Jack Sparrow with a cigar, I have no clue. Thank you, google. Thank you.

comebacks for liars –  “you’re lying.”

turn me into a alcoholic  –  it’s an alcoholic. Not a alcoholic. You’re already in a downward spiral.

i am little psycho but i love u lots quotes  – OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS, TAYLOR SWIFT IS READING MY BLOG. HEY, TAYLOR! “Nice to. Meet you. Where you. Been…”

people of walmart showing nipple – Why?

no bra when taking the bus – They’re probably heading to make their debut on the People of Walmart.

julie is hysterical about a bug in her shorts – Thank you.

popsicle stick with tennis balls – You know, I don’t know what this means. Are you making a miniature weight rack? Are you making a stick figure with giant boobs? Are you making, well, you know. Balls and stick.

witty comebacks – You go first.

mother in law steals thunder on facebook – You shouldn’t care. Take a break from Facebook. Don’t let social media make you crazy.

how do you tell coworkers to not poop on the floor? I can also see which countries are reading my blog and I hope google translated this from russian. Please tell me your are from Russia. Ethiopia? France!

why am i pooping crab body parts – You ate a crab.

he asked me on a date when drunk – Don’t give him an answer until he asks again, sober.

women left a loud fart in shop – Why does this trace back to me.

what happens when you hit a deer in a smart car – Oh dear.

restaurants that give you wedgies for your birthday – That sounds like a good ‘ole fashioned 90th birthday.

penises are ugly – Yes. And do you know what else is ugly – red rockets. I told Scott we are getting a female puppy because ew, Scott. Push it back in.

never let your friends feel lonely, disturb them all the time – Ah, an extrovert. Introverts don’t care for that too much.

“i am the one that taught him” is it a correct engish – Yes, if you speak in a correct engish.

does anyone else brush their teeth in the shower – I do not. I feel like I would smell like mint all day.

** daddy lets his friends play with my boobs ** junior teen camel toe ** picture of little girl pees her pants in the store ** my daughters camel toe ** children’s underwear models ** daddy puts crayons in my vagina ** preschool girls swimsuit pictures – There is no privacy in blogging. I will call you out.

Are you a blogger? Do you read your google search terms? What is the funniest thing someone has searched for? Do you get search terms that make your skin crawl? Can we get together and beg google to find out who the perverts of the internet are?