You need this in your life.

Let’s talk about things. Stuff. Shit you don’t need but want. The crap your friends tell you, “oh my God, you need this.”

Notice I said tell you and not sell you. There’s a huge difference.

I understand people enjoy running an at-home business. Whether it’s selling makeup, jewelry, purses, skin care treatments, leggings, tupperware, is tupperware still a thing? Their target market is you – their friend. I will always buy from friends. It’s not that I’m necessarily sold on a product but I’ll buy from you because I’m your friend.

I’m not trying to sell anything.

No, I take that back.

You need to buy my book. Here’s the sales link if you want to buy an autographed copy –  “But Did You Die?” by A Bunch of Know It Alls.

I’m getting off topic. Selling my book isn’t the point of the post.

I’m here to tell you about the amazing things you need in your life. I’m your friend and I am not being paid to mention these products or sell them. But you need these in your life right now.

  1. The Righteous Butter Body Lotion You know when you walk in a room and someone smells good? But then you feel weird going around the room sniffing everyone? You leave and you wonder, “who smelled so good? Who smelled like heaven on earth? They are probably at home enveloped in a big knit blanket with a book and a glass of wine.” It’s this lotion. That’s the secret. Whoever smelled amazing had this lotion. I get called out every time I go somewhere – you smell so good! Oh, I know. I smell my arms all day.

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2. Yay Labs Softshell Ice Cream Ball Anything that can keep my kids entertained when I don’t have to gets a shoutout. It’s called awesome kid shit. It’s an ice cream maker. I purchased this a few years ago at a local toy store. I was looking for a birthday gift for someone else’s kid when I found the ice cream ball for my daughters to make me homemade ice cream. This ball gets used all the time. It gets used by my (toddler) nephew to the tweens on the block. It comes with ice cream recipes (or healthier all-fruit sorbets) but you can use your own recipes too. You add the liquid in the cylinder in the middle. On the opposite side of the ball, you add the ice and rock salt. And then the kids go outside and kick, roll, shake, play kickball with the ice cream ball – hell, I don’t know what they do out there. I send them outside and they come back with ice cream.

* If we’re being honest here, the quart size only makes enough for 2 or 3 kids. If there’s a group of kids, they fight. I wish it could hold more ice cream.

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3. Murchinson-Hume Dish Soap in Original Fig  OH MY GOD. Back to scents – this soap, you guys. I found it at The Container Store last year. Scott gave it a side-eye. Yes, it’s in a fancy container which may hint that it’s pricer than Dawn dish soap. It does cost more. It’s a splurge. I can save a buck or ten by buying Dawn dish soap. Or I can have this smell – this smell – in my kitchen. I’m sitting here with my nose in the bottle as I type because I’m trying to describe it. I can’t. It just smells good. Come wash your hands at my house and you will leave smelling your hands all night. I got the hand soap too. I’m about to buy anything that says original fig on this whole damn website. I think it’s made without chemicals or something. Does it clean my dishes better than Dawn? Don’t care.

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4. Rent the Runway They say social media has ruined this generation. Maybe it has but you probably wouldn’t be reading this list if it weren’t for social media. Yet, you’re probably like me and have the same dress show up in every picture at weddings. Rent the Runway lets you rent designer clothes for 4 days. You get two of the same dress (in two different sizes) shipped to you a day or two before your event. You wear the one that fits better and return both dresses the next day via UPS. Your rental price includes the shipping and dry cleaning. There is no monthly charge to rent.

* If we’re being honest here, it is nerve wracking wondering until the day before the event, “what if both dresses don’t fit? I’m screwed.” I used Rent the Runway three times and one of the two dresses always fit. Read the reviews. Know where your body flaws are. I’m tall and busty so I look for dresses that are longer with plenty of give up top. If you want $30 off your first rental, use my code on Facebook. I paid $65 for this $500 dress. And Facebook will only see this dress on me once.

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5. Fornia Lattice Front Contour Sports Bra I will never be a woman that wears those cute bralets under tank tops or sweaters. I’ve tried. I can’t. My boobs are big and real and cold. They need support and to invert when I’m cold. I found the holy grail of bralets. I have three colors – white, navy, and mustard yellow. I want them all. They’re supportive as a real bra. They’re sturdy and stylish under tank tops. I’m cool, you guys. I’m finally cool. Oh God, the bralet trend is over, isn’t it.

* If we’re being honest here, I don’t wear them to my workout classes. They’re supportive and sturdy but not jumping-and-kickboxing sturdy. I’m a DD cup and I’m wearing a L-XL here.

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And there you go. Things you need because you’re my BFF. Don’t forget you also need to buy my book. –  “But Did You Die?” by A Bunch of Know It Alls.

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But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low.

Stop here!

Just scroll.

You found the landing page to purchase an autographed copy from Julie Burton of But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low by A Bunch of Know It Alls.

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But Did You Die? is the fifth hilarious installment in the New York Times bestselling I Just Want to Pee Alone series by Jen Mann. But Did You Die? is a collection of terrible (but also kind of good) parenting advice from some of the funniest moms and dads on the ‘net. And that one super helpful childless friend we all have who loves to tell us we’re parenting wrong. So put your kids in front of the TV and let them eat junk while you read this book and laugh your tail off. We set the bar low so you can feel better about your parenting skills. You’re welcome.

Thank you for giving me the gift of your time over the past eight years to read my words on this blog. Your support allowed me to land a spot in my first book. I hope you like my essay titled, Oh Shit.

Because the day your child cusses is a huge milestone.

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An autographed copy of But Did You Die? is $15 payable via PayPal or credit card.

Shipping is included if you live in the U.S. If you are overseas (including Canada and Mexico), I would love to send you a copy but the additional shipping is between $15 and $25. Please email me if you are still interested.

Also – if you would like the book to made out to someone other than you, please shoot me an email and let me know after you’ve paid.

Any additional questions or to check your book status, feel free to email me at: Jbugbytes@gmail.com

And thank you! Thank you so much. — Julie Burton

Ok, now you can stop scrolling and click here: 

Buy Now Button

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The letter T.

There is only one class during my academic career where I had to pull myself out of an F.

It was a high school English class, of all classes. When I was in high school, each student had to bring a grade sheet to each teacher at midterm. Each teacher would write in the grade and make a few notes on the sheet. The students would take the sheet home to their parents. The parents had to initial each class and sign the grade sheet.

I was a B average student, meaning my grades would range from mostly As and Bs and maybe an occasional C. And one F. 

An F in English? It’s unlike me. It’s something I would expect in math but English? This particular English teacher wrote 58% in the grade box. And in the comment box, he wrote: F – FAILING.

Thank you, Mr. Dick. Thank you for explaining to my parents that a 58% is FAILING. My first response was to consult with my fellow classmates. A handful received Fs, most received Ds or Cs. One or two received Bs. Of course, the B students were upset they were not As. No one got an A.

I don’t remember if I got grounded or if my parents thought I was doing drugs after my first midterm F. But I do remember crying in front of my mom, trying to explain myself. They were upset. Their daughter F – FAILED.

I got a C by the end of the year.

The letter T.

Thank you.

Thank you to my teacher? No, that’s sarcasm.

Thank YOU.

You – you reading right now. Thank you for reading my words. I know your time can’t be wasted. And if I did waste your time, well, you’re not reading this. Thank you for listening to what’s on my mind, however meaningless it may be. 

I am a different person when I write. I am shy and introverted. I would proabably never tell you about my English midterm F in person. This is the real me and I don’t have to worry about if I have anything in my teeth.

If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t keep working at the craft of writing. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be an author in an anthology coming out this summer. Me – a real author, writing English, in a book that people will pay to read.

Thank you for supporting me. I mean that. You’ve changed my life. Thank you for reading a B average student’s work. And one F.

Thank for proving that English teacher wrong.

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