Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.
Me: It’s 9:00! Go to bed!
Kate: Mom, it’s 8:49.
Emma: Yeah mom, stop rounding.
Kate: Wait, a minute. Are you writing down what I’m saying?
Kate: Write to the people that I said you have a big butt.
Kate: Happy New Day’s Eve!
Kate: Every day is New Day’s Eve.
Kate: Can you imagine the first person to eat an egg?
Me: Yeah, can you imagine someone saying, “I should eat that thing sliding out of a chicken’s butt.
Emma: MOM! I picked off a scab where Kate scratched me and now I’m bleeding again and basically this is all Kate’s fault and needs to be grounded again.
Kate: My temperature is 89.1.
Me: That’s low. Pretty sure you’d be dead. That’s not right.
Kate: I put it on my chest.
Me: Well those kind of thermometers need to be put inside your body – like under your tongue. Or up your butt.
Me: Sometimes they do that for babies since they can’t hold a thermometer under their tongue.
Kate: What about poking inside the eye?
Me: It’s placed somewhere in your body that wouldn’t hurt, crazy.
Kate: So putting things up your butt doesn’t hurt?
Kate: What was your first job?
Me: I worked at a daycare.
Kate: Yeah right.
Leaving for the pool.
Me: Anyone need to pee before we go?
Kate: Nah, I’ll just go in the pool.
Hostess: If you can follow me, your table is ready.
Kate: I’d rather just sit at the bar.
Me: STOP. FIGHTING! Kate! Stop being bossy. I’m going to start calling you momma bear!
Kate: Stop it, mom! I’m going to start calling you mommy bear don’t care!
Me: Girls, today is the first day of summer!
Kate: It is?
Me: Yep, longest day of the year.
Kate: In real life?
I asked Emma and Kate the same question, but separately. They didn’t hear each other’s answers.
Me: So who’s the cutest boy in your grade?
Emma: Ugh, mom. They’re all so annoying.
Me: So who’s the cutest boy in your grade?
Kate: Why are YOU askin’?
Emma: Mom! Kate’s being rude to the neighborhood kids!
Me: What did she do?
Emma: She said we live in the biggest house on the street and she’s making people feel bad.
Me: KATE! GET IN HERE! NOW! Kate, you watch your mouth. Stop saying we live in the biggest house on the street. One – it’s not true. Two – Stop saying things like that. How would you feel if someone said that to you?
Kate: Sorry. The words just come out of my mouth.
Emma walked in the kitchen.
Me: Hm, I don’t think Kate will like my dinner tonight.
Emma: Looks good to me. Who cares? The kid will survive.
Kate had a friend over.
Friend: What’s this?
Kate: That’s a National Geographic Kids book. My mom gets free stuff from them because she writes for them. They’re in Washington, DC.
Friend: Where’s Washington, DC?
Kate: (points) Like, way over there or something.
At Target with Kate.
Kate: I need a new bikini.
Me: You have a lot of swimsuits! No, you don’t.
Kate: Only one bikini.
Me: You’ll have to ask your dad about that one.
Kate: He won’t understand. He’s a boy.
Kate rambled something.
Me: Sorry, I was reading something. What did you say?
Kate: Don’t make me waste my voice again.
Kate: Emma has lipstick on!
Me: I don’t care.
Emma: Kate, you wear lipstick too!
Kate: No, I don’t. DON’T make me raise my voice at you, Emma!
Me: Ready for math camp next week, Emma?
Emma: Ugh, I don’t know why you’re making me do this.
Me: Because your teacher highly suggested it before middle school. I put you in the same week as one of your friends. I figured you’d have a funner time.
Emma: Funner is not a word, WRITER.
I was working on an article for SimplyKC magazine. Kate walked in my writing room.
Me: Hey, this is a work day for me. You need to get out of here.
Kate: Sorry. Can’t. I’m not old enough to leave the house on my own.
Me: Oh my gosh, girls. 105 heat index today.
Kate: No wonder I’m so hot! I thought it was my shirt.
I took the girls out to get things for our upcoming road trip to Minnesota. I pulled up to the library.
Emma: Can we stay in the car?
Me: No. It’s too hot. And I need you two to pick out some library books here for our road trip.
Emma: I thought we were going to Barnes and Noble.
Me: We are because I need to get something from there. You’re going to get books from the library. It’s free here.
Kate: But everything in life is free to me and Emma.
There’s a new grocery store in our part of town. I took the girls in to check it out on the first day. A lady handed Emma a store map. Emma opened the map.
Emma: We are here. And this is where mom made us follow her into the exit door because she doesn’t read signs.
Oh Kids: Nieces Edition.
I put sunscreen on myself before I got my nieces ready for the pool.
Evelyn, 4: You smell like swim lessons.
I took my nieces to the library. I let them walk around the kids’ section with other kids playing.
Kid: Is that your sister?
Evelyn, 4: Yes, her name is June.
Evelyn: You should say hi to her.
Me: Do you take naps with your nana, Evelyn?
Evelyn: No, I don’t take naps.
Me: Oh. Hm, are you lying to me?
Me: I’m going to ask your nana.
Evelyn: But you can’t ask her because she doesn’t lie.
And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”