Hung like a horse.

If I don’t know an answer to a question, I do what most people do – I ask Google.

Google search: What does hung like a horse mean?

Google: Having a large penis.

Google search: Where did the term hung like a horse come from?

Google: From the Bible, Ezekiel 23:20: “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.”

Google search: Ezekiel 23:20 meaning

Google: Oholah and Oholibah, personifications of two cities: Samaria in Israel and Jerusalem in Judah, respectively. Sisters. Prostitutes. Adulterers. Asses and horses are introduced in Ezekial to show the intensity of lust.

Emission was like that of horses.

To show the intensity of lust.

Hung like a horse.

The bible is much more interesting than I give it credit for and is this really what happens when three men go hunting together, Scott?

 

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And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

 

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The cold never bothered me anyway.

Emma: Mommy, why are we dumping a bucket of water on your head after school?

Me: Well, people want to help fight a disease called ALS.

Emma: What is ALS?

Me: Here, let’s look it up. Ok. It’s a disease. It starts in the brain and it attacks the muscles. If someone gets ALS they won’t be able to move or swallow. They eventually cannot breathe. And there is no cure. People are video taping themselves getting a bucket of ice water dumped on their head to raise awareness. And they are donating money to help figure out how to stop the disease.

Emma: But why a bucket of ice water?

Me: I don’t know. It’s a challenge maybe? It’s a little crazy, huh?

Kate: Elsa would like it.

Me: Ha! She would.

 

 

A shout out to my two crazy, talented friends –

Click here to wish Carmen Carver warm thoughts – Carmen Carver Photography and Design.

Click here to watch Justin Liebergen on his YouTube show, Vash and Justin.

Click here to donate to the ALS Association.  – I also nominate everyone that hasn’t dumped a bucket of ice water over your head to donate. I don’t want our kids explaining to their kids what ALS is.

I don’t even know what just happened.

The last thing I remember was buying an airplane ticket, throwing some fishing shirts in a carry-on and jumping on a plane to South Florida.

Emma, Kate and I drove to Tulsa, Oklahoma to meet Savannah, my newborn niece. This would be zee baby that got grounded. I had to get Savannah’s autograph for my shirt. I’m her biggest fan.

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Scott was in South Florida for work. I got a text.

Scott: Hop on a plane and get down here. The fish are biting this weekend. The wind and current will be perfect. It’s my vday present to you.

Me: R u serious? We don’t give vday presents.

Scott: Do u want to come down here or not? My mom can watch kids.

Me: YES!! There!!! Let me check flights. Emma, Kate, and I have the hotel in Tulsa until tomorrow. Looks like there’s a late flight leaving KC tomorrow night. Ok – pick me up from Ft. Laud airport at midnight. BOOM!

Five states in one day later, I fell asleep at 2 am listening to the rustling of the palm trees outside the bedroom window.

I woke up at 7 am wanting to stab something. Someone was blasting AWOLNATION’s “Sail.” It could only be Brett Cannon. Scott walked in our room.

Scott: Brett said to wake up. We’re going fishing.

Me: I didn’t get here until 2!

I heard Brett’s voice.

JULIE! YOU NEED TO BE READY IN 2 MINUTES!

I stumbled into the kitchen where a group of friends were eating a homemade breakfast by Janna, Brett’s mom.

Me: BRETT! I thought we were going tomorrow!

Brett: We’re still fishing. Or I mean, we can leave you here. You can just fly out here to sit.

Rob, Brett’s dad, handed me a bloody mary.

Me: Ready!

Always listen to Captain Brett because he will always find fish.

SAIL!
SAIL!
Always listen to Captain Brett.
SAIL! I caught my 2nd sailfish!

The whiskey in my water went down smooth that night. I was sore.

Oh, what was that? Whiskey In My Water? Did I just hear Tyler Farr’s new single?

Tyler and Brett are good friends. We picked up Tyler and his stage manager as soon as his tour bus rolled in town on Sunday afternoon.

First Sail!
SAIL! Tyler caught his first sailfish! Then he caught a 2nd one. Damnit, he’s already tied with me.
Like awesome like this.
This is Brett, the flying fish.

We had Tyler and his manager back on dry land before soundcheck for his concert. I can guarantee Tyler’s arm was sore playing guitar that night. He was also sunburnt. It didn’t matter – he had a packed house going Redneck Crazy. Speaking of fans – that was me in the back photobombing your pictures with Tyler.

I’m a huge fan too.

Smoke City.

2013. The year Emma shot her first buck.

I feel sorry for the baby buck. I really do. I named him Tiny Tim. Emma and her crossbow didn’t give Tiny Tim a fighting chance. His mother is probably wiping a single tear drop with her hoof somewhere in the woods.

Tiny Tim’s death did serve a purpose – he bonded a father and daughter in 2013. Emma is the only 7 year old I know that has killed a deer and for that, I admire my little badass. I can only hope Emma stopped the fate of Tiny Tim running out in front of a car.

I give you: Smoke City.

* I’m not sure of copyright laws with music. This is Eric Church’s “Outsiders.” If Eric sues me, I will need someone to bail me out of jail. I’ll buy you a beer. Thank you and enjoy.

Kansas City Live.

“Oh, hope you don’t mind my camera phone. It’s my first time on TV.”

I’m really good at being touristy.

Hosts Michelle Davidson and Michael Mackie
Hosts Michelle Davidson and Michael Mackie
KSHB Weather Center
Brett Anthony in the KSHB Weather Center
Behind the scenes
Lights! Cameras! AH!

I did it! I was on the first ever moms panel on Kansas City Live. The other 3 panelists are professionals at being funny moms so it was easy to have a conversation with them. Michelle, the host, made us feel relaxed and comfortable. She told me in the green room that her favorite post of mine is Snake. I knew I’d like this woman.

My voice still sounds weird but there’s nothing anyone can do about that.

Thank you, Kansas City Live! I am honored to be on such a fun show. Sorry for drinking all the vodka in the refrigerator, Michael. That was all me. I’m kidding, mom.

Here is the clip from Kansas City Live.

Child Geniuses.

My sister, Jessica, sent me a video of her 11 month old doing sign language at the dinner table. Baby sign language is adorable. That little Gabby is so smart. I’m tearing up imagining her graduate magna cum laude from K-State one day, just like her mommy.

Scott and I did NOT graduate magna cum laude. Our kids will graduate from K-State following in our own footsteps – with a major in Aggieville. Geniuses, I tell you. Geniuses.

I sent Jessica back a couple videos of her nieces:

 

Repost: Vash and Justin.

I am in New Orleans for the next few days. I am here for work so I will be on my best behavior. This 70 degree and flip flops trip couldn’t have been timed more perfectly considering Kansas City is completely snowed in. I’m hearing rumors our dogs can’t maneuver through the pile of snow at the door.

Sounds like it’s a movie day for you up north. I have the perfect snowed-in activity: Watch my friend, Justin on Youtube! Vash and Justin, a blog repost:

 

I met Justin in high school. He was (and is) well liked by everyone – meaning he had 1,345,373 friends. He was popular; nice-popular, not snobby-popular. He was what some would call a drama nerd. And I was, well … wallflower-y.

After high school, we both left for Manhattan:

Me – Manhattan, Kansas to attend K-State
Justin – Eventually made his way to Manhattan, NY to start his acting career

Thanks to Facebook, I have found that Justin is now friends with all of New York. Ok, I made that up but it’s something I would totally believe. I like hearing about all his way cool acting jobs (he is also a professional waiter). I’m waiting for him to go back and work for Disney Cruise Lines so I can give my kids a VIP backstage tour. Justin knows Mickey, kids!

I am a huge fan of Justin’s show he films with his friend, Vash. Vash and Justin “bicker … and talk about movies”. I rarely go to the movie theatre or rent movies but it really doesn’t matter. They are just plain funny. I started to watch their show to see Justin in his element in front of a camera. But now I watch because Vash cracks me up. I strangely tend to agree with Vash without even seeing the movie (sorry, Justin).

It’s the weekend. It’s a time most people go to the movies. Please, check out one of Justin and Vash’s movie reviews. If anything, check them out for the laughs.

Watch them (and subscribe) on Youtube here.

Add them to your Twitter, if you are the tweeting kind:

@vashandjustin

Thanks!

And Justin – you owe me a Mickey meeting. :)

Winstead’s.

I’m so weak. I work next to a Winstead’s.

For those of you not familiar with the Kansas City area – translation: World’s greatest chocolate shake EVER. 

No joke. One sip – it’s all over.

Whitey Tighties.

I’m on a job search. This automatically throws my closet upside down.

Goodwill – I’m coming your way with my old sweatshirts, stained t-shirts and maybe even a pair of mom jeans.

I don’t own any suits. All my casual dresses are way above-the-knee. My “nicer” shirts are kinda Vegas-with-friends-iffy. Honestly, most of my clothes are out of style. I have clothes from college that I still try to pull off as hip. My favorite color to wear is anything neutral, mostly grays. Fashion has never been a strength of mine. That being said, I would absolutely rock the pants off the workout apparel world.

Once upon a time, before kids, I worked full time. Those clothes are long gone. You want to know what I did with those clothes? I gave most of them away to friends and family.

Oh, but there was this one time I introduced 2 year-old Emma to the appropriate way to wear a white button-up shirt. With whitey tighties, of course.

MOTHER OF THE YEAR.

I don’t know what to say. I’m not crazy like Tom Cruise. I’ve never actually seen the movie Risky Business. The one famous scene was enough for me. Dance parties are my favorite activity to do with kids. Everyone should let loose. I don’t know if I’m glad I actually filmed this or embarrassed. Nah, clearly I’m not that embarrassed since I hit the “publish” button on this post. The original video actually went out to family almost 5 years ago.

A small, small clip from it. Small:

Uh, yeah. I’m going to need that shirt back to work in now.

A hunting video.

So I’m jacking around on my computer with Kate. She wanted to watch some videos when she was a baby. Fine, I’ll close out ancestry.com for 5 minutes.

Oh! What is this! Daddy is making hunting videos! He’s talking to the camera, Kate! Let’s watch.

Who knows who he’s talking to. According to this video footage, he’s talking to “guys”. And then we see hours of footage of absolutely nothing. Not one kill. He must suck at hunting. I’m actually glad he’s shooting animals with a camera and not a gun.

Scott, here’s my 1 minute version of a hunting video – using your footage. Enjoy.