I made a promise to myself.
Yes, I happened to make a promise to myself in January. But it’s not a resolution. I’m back on my feet again and here we are – in January.
I’m back to writing something, anything, every Monday. I’m forcing myself to write once, maybe twice a week. It might be funny. It might not. It might just be me saying hello and that’s it.
So here we go.
… you guys, I got nothin’.
To the draft folder! I wrote this a few days before my niece had emergency surgery to stop bleeding on her brain. I never published this post because, at the time, my world paused. This conversation hid in my drafts for over two years.
Until today. Because this is much funnier than saying hello.
*Notes: Scott isn’t on Twitter anymore. I’m 34 now. My clothing choice reflects the warm night, not January. But I still hold true to my argument – sleeping in lingerie sucks.
Scott: Can I tweet I hate sports bras?
Me: I don’t care what you tweet. What do you mean you hate sports bras? Do you want every guy at the gym to ogle women?
Scott: No. I mean I hate that you wear sports bras to bed.
Me: Um, my boobs are still perky after two breastfed babies. And I’m 31. You’re welcome. Perky-ish.
Scott: And they also shrunk. What are you wearing? A onesie?
Me: It’s called a romper. It’s comfortable.
Scott: It’s a onesie. With a sports bra. Take off the sports bra!
Scott: You’re like Fort Knox!
Me: Fine. What would you like for me to wear to bed, sweet husband of mine?
Me: No. I mean to sleep in. I get the whole lingerie thing. Whatever. But I’m not sleeping in that. I get cold. And the girls would see me in the morning and they’ll be all “Oooooo. Pretty lacy red dress. You look pretty, mommy! Can I try it on? It’s my size!” Next thing you know they will be showing their friends their new dress up clothes in my closet drawer.
Scott: You have a lingerie drawer?
Scott: Never knew that.
Me: I just want to be comfortable when I sleep. Sports bra. T-shirt. PJ shorts.
Scott: Wait, where is this red, lacy lingerie?
Me: In. My. Lingerie. Drawer. This is like me asking you to go to bed with a tool belt on and nothing else. You can’t sleep in that.
Scott: You want me to wear a tool belt?
Me: Oh my God. It doesn’t matter! Tool belts, lingerie, sports bras and t-shirt, WE END UP NAKED ANYWAY. Gah!
Scott: Don’t hate on Victoria.
Me: Who the hell is Vic-oh my God. And don’t hate on her secret too?
Scott: Don’t hate on Victoria.
Me: I love Victoria’s Secret. They sell sports bras. And let me tell you something – every advertisement for Victoria Secret is photoshopped. The real Victoria wakes up with a boob popped out of the lingerie, a string stuck up her ass, like way up. And that ass is far from clean the next morning because Victoria farts in her sleep. She has no make up and morning breath. Morning breath that will make you turn away. But you wouldn’t know this because she stole the giant comforter from you and has it wrapped twice around her body because she’s freezing. And don’t get me started on wearing heels to bed.
Scott: Sorry, I’m a man. I just want to see my beautiful wife in lingerie.
Me: Look all you want, take it off, wear it yourself. But when it’s time to sleep, I’m changing to something comfortable. You shouldn’t care what I’m sleeping in because you will be sleeping too, dreaming of me.
Scott: In a onesie and a sports bra at Fort Knox.
Ladies, tell him I’m right on this one – we’re freezing when we wake up the next morning. Do you enjoy wearing lingerie? Do you enjoy actually sleeping in it? Do all men agree with Scott? Do all men want to see their beautiful wife/girlfriend/lover in lingerie? Or do you want to see her in whatever makes her happy?