Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.
Kate: Can I take a mistletoe to school?
I brought the girls over my parents house.
Emma: What are you eating?
My mom: We got some food from Freddy’s.
Kate: Oh. We ate nothing.
Kate: Why don’t you wear heels?
Me: Because they make me taller than daddy and he doesn’t like that.
Kate: Tell him ‘too bad’ and be taller.
Kate: (petting our dog, Belle) Oh Belle Belle! You look dead laying here. Yes, you do! You look dead, Belle Belle!
I picked up Kate from school.
Kate: UGH! I learned NOTHING TODAY! NOTHING!
Me: What are you girls thankful for?
Emma: What do you mean?
Kate: Food. And poop so it doesn’t just sit there.
Kate: Emma’s being mean to me!
Me: You’re tattling. I don’t want to hear it.
Kate: Well, so then I scratched her but that was because she was being mean.
Me: Did you just try to tattle before Emma got to me?
Emma: MOM! KATE SCRATCHED ME SO HARD THAT I’M BLEEDING!
Kate: (browsing what she wanted for Christmas) Just free shipping? That’s not a good deal at all.
Me: Kate, tell Emma to come downstairs.
Kate: EMMA BEATEN!
Me: Emma Beaten? You mean Burton?
Kate: I mean beaten because she beats me up.
Me: Give me your Christmas lists, please!
Emma: (looking at Kate’s list) Mom, she wrote Tar jay.
Kate: “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage. That’s not all. Baby’s drinking all the alcohol.”
Me: Where did you learn that?
I watched the Bruno Mars special concert on TV with Kate.
Kate: Is this live?
Me: Hm, I’m not sure.
Kate: It says “live” on the bottom of the screen.
Watching Bruno Mars.
Kate: He’s like double jointed.
Me: How do you know?
Kate jumped up off the couch. She started thrusting her hips forward.
Kate: He can move his hips like this. I can’t do it right.
I came home from a calligraphy class with Emma.
Me: See what we did? Isn’t it cool?
Kate: I want to do a calligraphy class too!
Me: You’re still a little bit young. How about a gingerbread making class? Just you and me.
Kate: Fine. But not YOU. Nana. Me and Nana.
Kate: Where are we going to get a tree?
Me: Just Home Depot. I think they have some nice real ones.
Kate: No! I want to go to a tree farm!
Me: It’s too late for that. We can either get a tree from a tree farm tomorrow in 12 degree weather or just get a real one real quick at Home Depot.
Emma: Home Depot. Let’s just get this over with.
Kate: How do you spell mean?
Kate: No, the other mean.
Me: Huh? Use it in a sentence.
Kate: My sister is mean to me.
Kate: Why do you eat cottage cheese from the container?
Me: Because I’m the only one in this family that eats cottage cheese.
I closed the lid and placed the container back in the refrigerator.
Kate grabbed the container, opened it, grabbed a spoon, and stared at me while eating the cottage cheese.
Me: What are you looking for, Stella? Your soul?
Me: Did you laugh at my joke?
Kate: What’s a soul?
Me: Mmmm. Kinda like who you are without your body.
Kate: Oh. That’s not funny.
Kate played with my phone. I checked my texts later that night.
Text message from my sister, Jenna: I love this art kit I got Emma. I kinda want to open it and play with it before I give it to her.
My (Kate’s) text message back: Do it.
Me: Look at my hair! Isn’t it cute? I got a braid up-do at this boutique today. It was free! You like it, Kate?
Me: Scott. Look. Cute, right?
Me: Emma, look! An up-do.
Emma: Please stop. We get it.
Me: Scott, I hope I have enough drinks for the progressive party tomorrow. Do you think my whiskey punch is enough? Plus, the wine.
Kate: You’re fine. Girls only drink wine anyway.
I walked across the kitchen, Kate jumped out from hiding behind me. My pants go down to my ankles.
Kate: KNEW IT! NO UNDERWEAR UNDER YOUR PJs!
Kate: You looked like a whale when you sneezed.
Emma: Would you rather – keep living your life or restart your life?
Kate: Let’s see, daddy wrote “cool t-shirts” on his Christmas list. I wonder which cool he wants.
Kate: Some boy told me he hates my shirt because he hates K-State and loves KU.
Me: What’d you say?
Kate: I said football is better than basketball.
Me: So wait, you guys get out of school on Wednesday?
Emma: Yep. Half day.
Emma: Why are you upset?
Kate: Because she hates us.
Kate: I’m bored.
Me: Oh! Ok, you can brush your teeth. You can brush your hair. You can put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher….
Kate: I’ll go outside.
Special edition: Oh Kids.
Lane, 7: Would you rather have a belly button that doubles as an electric outlet or swap faces with anyone in the planet? I think I’d rather my belly button. That’s be super handy.
Mom: Well, Leighton has a cavity. Leighton is bummed.
Josie, 8: Leighton, don’t worry. I’ll still play with you because cavities aren’t contagious. By the way, thanks for reminding me to brush my teeth extra good tonight.
Lane, 7: Mom! Jesus was born with a six-pack!
If you have kids quotes – email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or tag me on Facebook. 🙂
And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”