Jimi Hendrix. Caroline Kennedy. Bruce Lee.
And Jaleel White – also known as Steve Urkel.
You know what they all have in common? November 27th. They all share a birthday with me.
I know we can’t control our birthdays but is it really necessary to have sex on Valentine’s Day? Is it really necessary?
I say no. There’s no need for that. It’s a Hallmark holiday. Wooing consists of a mass produced “I love you” card and a dozen overpriced flowers. Do not cave for this, ladies. Not in February. Have your way with men in, oh I don’t know – July. Show ’em some real fireworks.
But if you are a romantic and get some booty smackin’ by Cupid then you better double up on birth control –
You risk conceiving a child with a Thanksgiving birthday.
My mom and dad let Cupid take aim and fire.
Any child born between November 22nd and November 28th will eventually have a Thanksgiving birthday. If not on the day, the birthday will get gobbled up Thanksgiving week and forgotten.
Thanksgiving birthdays are decided for you. It doesn’t matter if you’re turning 36 or if you’re turning 60. Thanksgiving birthdays are always the same.
- Turkey and mashed potatoes. That’s your birthday dinner. You don’t get a choice where to eat because every restaurant is closed.
- You can’t celebrate how most people celebrate birthdays. Brunch, pedicures, and shopping? Closed. It’s all closed. Sure, you have Black Friday but you risk getting trampled to death at 5 am. And that would just suck to have a matching birth and death day on your headstone.
- Birthday lunch with friends? Forget it. They’re with their own families.
- A Facebook serenade of “happy birthday!” on your feed? Nope. It’s considered rude to look at your phone at the dinner table. Your long-lost high school science partner will never know it’s your birthday.
- Everyone naps on Thanksgiving. Wake up. I said wake up, it’s my birthday! Ok, I’ll just close my eyes for a little bit too.
- It’s a sexist holiday. The men watch football. Woman, get your ass back in the kitchen, birthday girl!
- Families get together for Thanksgiving. I cannot deny that it is special to be able to see out-of-town relatives. “Happy Thanksgiving” and hugs are given all around. It’s awkward staring at each person, waiting to see if they have anything else to say. I mean, I’m right here.
- Some years, Thanksgiving birthdays are not with your own family. Some years, you’re forced to spend your birthday with the in-laws. And your mother-in-law fattening you up like a butterball turkey. This is not an insult. I just don’t have any self-control.
- Thanksgiving is included in “the holidays.” Oh, that’s your Christmas present too.
- When the pies are brought out for dessert, you pray one of them does not have candles on it. There is no substitute for birthday cake.
I know. I do exist. I can’t complain about the day I was born so thank you for making me, mom and dad.
It’s just not my choice day to pop out of the womb.
This is all Cupid’s fault – AIM FOR THE TURKEY, YOU FLYING BABY!
Just say no to sex on Valentine’s Day.
And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”