Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

_____________

Kate: Can I take a mistletoe to school?

_____________

I brought the girls over my parents house.

Emma: What are you eating?

My mom: We got some food from Freddy’s.

Kate: Oh. We ate nothing.

_____________

Kate: Why don’t you wear heels?

Me: Because they make me taller than daddy and he doesn’t like that.

Kate: Tell him ‘too bad’ and be taller.

_____________

Kate: (petting our dog, Belle) Oh Belle Belle! You look dead laying here. Yes, you do! You look dead, Belle Belle!

_____________

I picked up Kate from school.

Kate: UGH! I learned NOTHING TODAY! NOTHING!

_____________

On Thanksgiving.

Me: What are you girls thankful for?

Emma: What do you mean?

Kate: Food. And poop so it doesn’t just sit there.

_____________

Kate: Emma’s being mean to me!

Me: You’re tattling. I don’t want to hear it.

Kate: Well, so then I scratched her but that was because she was being mean.

Me: Did you just try to tattle before Emma got to me?

Emma: MOM! KATE SCRATCHED ME SO HARD THAT I’M BLEEDING!

_____________

Kate: (browsing what she wanted for Christmas) Just free shipping? That’s not a good deal at all.

_____________

Me: Kate, tell Emma to come downstairs.

Kate: EMMA BEATEN!

Me: Emma Beaten? You mean Burton?

Kate: I mean beaten because she beats me up.

_____________

Me: Give me your Christmas lists, please!

Kate: Here.

Emma: (looking at Kate’s list) Mom, she wrote Tar jay.

_____________

Kate: “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage. That’s not all. Baby’s drinking all the alcohol.”

Me: Where did you learn that?

Kate:

_____________

I watched the Bruno Mars special concert on TV with Kate.

Kate: Is this live?

Me: Hm, I’m not sure.

Kate: It says “live” on the bottom of the screen.

_____________

Watching Bruno Mars.

Kate: He’s like double jointed.

Me: How do you know?

Kate jumped up off the couch. She started thrusting her hips forward.

Kate: He can move his hips like this. I can’t do it right.

_____________

I came home from a calligraphy class with Emma.

Me: See what we did? Isn’t it cool?

Kate: I want to do a calligraphy class too!

Me: You’re still a little bit young. How about a gingerbread making class? Just you and me.

Kate: Fine. But not YOU. Nana. Me and Nana.

_____________

Kate: Where are we going to get a tree?

Me: Just Home Depot. I think they have some nice real ones.

Kate: No! I want to go to a tree farm!

Me: It’s too late for that. We can either get a tree from a tree farm tomorrow in 12 degree weather or just get a real one real quick at Home Depot.

Emma: Home Depot. Let’s just get this over with.

_____________

Kate: How do you spell mean?

Me: M-E-A-N.

Kate: No, the other mean.

Me: Huh? Use it in a sentence.

Kate: My sister is mean to me.

_____________

Kate: Why do you eat cottage cheese from the container?

Me: Because I’m the only one in this family that eats cottage cheese.

I closed the lid and placed the container back in the refrigerator.

Kate grabbed the container, opened it, grabbed a spoon, and stared at me while eating the cottage cheese.

_____________

Me: What are you looking for, Stella? Your soul?

Kate laughed.

Me: Did you laugh at my joke?

Kate: What’s a soul?

Me: Mmmm. Kinda like who you are without your body.

Kate: Oh. That’s not funny.

_____________

Kate played with my phone. I checked my texts later that night.

Text message from my sister, Jenna: I love this art kit I got Emma. I kinda want to open it and play with it before I give it to her.

My (Kate’s) text message back: Do it.

_____________

Me: Look at my hair! Isn’t it cute? I got a braid up-do at this boutique today. It was free! You like it, Kate?

Kate: Yeah.

Me: Scott. Look. Cute, right?

Scott: Gorgeous.

Me: Emma, look! An up-do.

Emma: Please stop. We get it.

_____________

Me: Scott, I hope I have enough drinks for the progressive party tomorrow. Do you think my whiskey punch is enough? Plus, the wine.

Kate: You’re fine. Girls only drink wine anyway.

_____________

I walked across the kitchen, Kate jumped out from hiding behind me. My pants go down to my ankles.

Kate: KNEW IT! NO UNDERWEAR UNDER YOUR PJs!

_____________

I sneezed.

Kate: You looked like a whale when you sneezed.

_____________

Emma: Would you rather – keep living your life or restart your life?

Kate: RESTART!

_____________

Kate: Let’s see, daddy wrote “cool t-shirts” on his Christmas list. I wonder which cool he wants.

_____________

Kate: Some boy told me he hates my shirt because he hates K-State and loves KU.

Me: What’d you say?

Kate: I said football is better than basketball.

_____________

Me: So wait, you guys get out of school on Wednesday?

Emma: Yep. Half day.

Me: (sighs)

Emma: Why are you upset?

Kate: Because she hates us.

_____________

Kate: I’m bored.

Me: Oh! Ok, you can brush your teeth. You can brush your hair. You can put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher….

Kate: I’ll go outside.

_____________

Special edition: Oh Kids. 

Lane, 7: Would you rather have a belly button that doubles as an electric outlet or swap faces with anyone in the planet? I think I’d rather my belly button. That’s be super handy.

_____________

Mom: Well, Leighton has a cavity. Leighton is bummed.

Josie, 8: Leighton, don’t worry. I’ll still play with you because cavities aren’t contagious. By the way, thanks for reminding me to brush my teeth extra good tonight.

_____________

Lane, 7: Mom! Jesus was born with a six-pack!

______________

If you have kids quotes – email me at jbugbytes@gmail.com or tag me on Facebook. 🙂

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram.

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

Ok, now it's your turn - write me back.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s