I know it’s the 1st. December 1st. It’s not even November anymore. I missed the last day of November writing month. Out of all the days, I missed Day 30.
Let’s go back in time, shall we? It’s November 30th.
1487 – Germany. A law is states beer should be brewed from only three ingredients: water, malt and hops. Albert IV, Duke of Bavaria, got shitfaced on this cold night. He threw a case of Summer Shandy out of his window, grabbed a pretzel, and declared, “that beer tasted like shit.”
1753 – United States. Benjamin Franklin received the Godfrey Copley medal for his “curious experiments” and “observations on electricity.” His thank you speech went a lil’ sumpin’ like this, “It’s all about the Benjamins, baby. Uh huh. Yeah. It’s all about the Benjamins, baby. Now, what y’all wanna do? Wanna be ballers, shot-callers, brawlers. Who be dipping’ in the Benz with spoilers. It’s all about the Benjamins baby. “
1782 – Britain. Britain signs agreement recognizing U.S. independence. The United States blasts fireworks, holds up the middle finger to the east while drinking Summer Shandys. “‘Merica!” can be heard across the pond.
1835 – United States. Author Samuel Langhorne Clemens is born in Missouri. Also known as Mark Twain. “You don’t know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain’t no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth.” I think we’re related.
1838 – Mexico. Mexico declares war on France; the “Pastry War” begins. A bunch of Mexicans ransacked a bakery near Mexico City, owned by French-born pastry chef, Remontel. France told Mexico, “uh, we’re Lady Marmalade and you’re Les Incompétents.” Mexico was like, “Screw your marmalade – we have tacos. BRING IT, BITCHACHOS.” And that’s how the Cake Wars started on the Food Network.
1864 – United States. Battle of Franklin, Tennessee. The dumbasses in the United States are fighting with each other in what is called the Civil War. The Battle of Franklin is one of the worst battles for the Confederate States army. There were approximately 7,700 American casualties killed by Americans.
1900 – Paris. Irish playwright and novelist Oscar Wilde dies. Original meme writer. “Be yourself. Everybody else is already taken.”
1907 – United States. Pike Place dedicated in Seattle. No one cared until 64 years later when the first Starbucks opened and now we’re all sitting here with shaky hands.
1924 – London. First photo fax transmitted across the Atlantic by radio. The photo fax was sent from London to New York City. Ass cheeks. The first fax was ass cheeks on a fax machine. Those Brits are cheeky smart arses.
1929 – United States. Radio and TV personality Richard Wagstaff Clark born in New York. Also known as Dick Clark. Ball drop.
1954 – United States. First meteorite known to strike a person. Ann Hodges of Sylacauga, Alabama decided to take a nap on her couch. She woke up to a softball-size hunk of black rock busting through her ceiling, bouncing off her radio, and slamming into her thigh. She was left with a pineapple-shaped bruise from outer space. She survived, thus sealing her fate of never winning the lottery.
1993 – United States. “Schindler’s List”, an American historical drama film directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Liam Neeson, Ben Kingsley, and Ralph Fiennes, premieres in Washington, D.C. We still hate Hitler and the Nazis. We wonder what happened to the days of the Germans making beer laws.
2004 – United States. Longtime “Jeopardy!” champion Ken Jennings of Salt Lake City, Utah finally loses, leaving him with $3,196,300. He is television’s all-time biggest game show winner. The losing answer – “Most of this firm’s 70,000 seasonal white-collar employees work only four months a year.” WHAT IS KANSAS CITY’S H&R BLOCK, ALEX. BOOM! Julie Burton comin’ in hot! You’re done, Kenny.
2017 – United States. Julie Burton forgets to post on the 30th day of NaBloPoMo/Nano Poblano. She had a child with a fever. She was hostess of ladies night in her neighborhood that evening but before that she had to pick up dry cleaning and run by the store. She stopped by her neighbor’s house to chit chat for an hour. She probably posted a couple funny things on Facebook and Instagram. She picked up her second child from school and the second child was pissed that first child got to stay home all day. Her husband is out of town but hey, at least she didn’t get hit by a meteorite.
And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”