Today is the day when two become one. Today, there will be a marriage between a man and a woman. It’s a blending of two families. The groom’s family hails from middle America. The bride’s family is Russian. The groom’s family wakes up to fireball shots on Thanksgiving/wedding weekend. The bride’s family are non-drinkers.
The groom is Scott’s cousin. I will be sitting on the groom’s side today.
The mother of the bride will be sitting on the bride’s side. She will be sitting as far as she can from me. Cousin Julie.
The rehearsal dinner was going well until the mother of the bride walked up to me with a cup.
Me: Hi! Are you the mother of the bride? I’m Julie. This is my neighborhood clubhouse. It’s so nice to meet you!
Mother of the bride: Hello. I need some vot-ka.
Mother of the bride: Yes, Vot-ka.
Me: Welcome to the party!
There’s the Russian I’m judging you to be.
Mother of the bride: Mm. Yes.
I walked to the back of the bar. I pointed to the mother of the bride’s back and mouthed, “she wants vodka!” to Scott’s cousins’ wives.
I fist pumped.
Me: Well, we have wine here. And I made a champagne bar here. There’s beer outside.
Mother of the bride: No, no, no. Vot-ka!
Me: Oh! I was told no hard liquor but I can get you some vodka.
Mother of the bride: VOT-KA.
Me: You want the good stuff? I have some Tito’s back at my house. Do you wanna go back and grab some? Do you have a Russian vodka you really like?
The mother of the bride pointed to the sink.
Mother of the bride: VOT. KA.
I stared at her.
My mother-in-law, Kathy, walked up.
Me: I think she wants a vodka.
Mother of the bride: VOTKA.
Me: Oh shit.
Kathy: Do you want some water?
Mother of the bride: Yes! VOTKA!
Kathy: Here is the water and meet my daughter-in-law, Julie.
And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”