And that’s how the boy parents won the Internet.

My 6-year-old cousin: “My wiener hurts. It’s sticking straight up. It needs to point down. Not up!”


There are some things you can’t ask Google, Siri, or Alexa. But you can ask Facebook and Twitter and get an immediate response. And that’s how the boy parents won the Internet.


Welcome to my house. “Jeff, handle this” is my speech. – Morgan J.

“That’s normal, it will go back down soon” is my speech. – Joah G.

This conversation has happened many times in my house. Along with, “Hey, Mom! When I jump my privates bounce up and down!” – Christi S.

Driving over speed bumps – laughter and “those make my balls jump.” My standard answer is, “the wiener thief isn’t here, you don’t need to guard it” or “nobody’s gonna steal it, dude.” – Carmen C.

I remember my then-3-year-old told me his “penis was getting all crazy.” – Jessica Z.

I’ve said, “it’s just puffy, leave it be and it will be fine” while walking away pretty quickly and nonchalantly. Also, I don’t recall it ever being one of my boys I’ve said it to, always someone else’s kid who seems to think they need to tell me instead of their own mom. Talk about awkward. I’ve also said, “go talk to your mom and see what she says.” – Siouxxsie F.

Omg my 3-year-old does that! The other day he was like, “Heeelp! It’s up!”‘ Go find your dad, kid. I have no advice for you.” – Ashley A.

A guy I work with said his 3-year-old grandson told him that when he was happy it sticks up and when he was sad it didn’t.” – Chaz S.

Even worse when the doc says the little girls are going to like him. – Steve T.

“Ask your father.” – Anne B.

“Stop touching it and it will go down” or “you need to go pee” I use these phrases several hundred times per day. – Callen J.

Wait until he says, “Mom! Look! I can hang a towel on it!” – Tom W.

To this day (my boys are 12, 14 and 16) I tell them, “I know better, take it to your room. If you keep touching it around people, it’s gonna fall off.” It’s such a boy thing! We don’t walk around holding our junk! p.s. I started the whole “it’ll fall off” when they were like 4. I just had had enough of watching them with their hands down their pants! – Jenn S.

I tell him to put on clothes 50 times a day and he tells me no because he likes to let it wiggle when he walks. – Melissa S.

I’ve had to tell my four-year-old constantly lately, “Please stop talking about your penis.” – Shannon S.

My then-four-year-old told his preschool teacher, “When I grow up, I’m going to have big testicles like my dad!” – My Battle Call blog

“Tell him to go home.” – Twitter, @TaraWoodWriter

Especially a problem when he has to pee. – Twitter, @whyallthesekids

I say, “Trust me, kid, someday you’ll be praying it keeps sticking straight up and she will too.” – Twitter, @TheTerribleHook

Don’t worry unless it lasts for five hours. – Twitter @Butzengear

I scream the same way when mine is supposed to point up but stays down. – Twitter, @moooooog35

Tell him to “wait until you’re 60, you’ll be singing a different tune.” – Twitter, @MurrayClarke5

LOTS OF COLD WATER! – Twitter, @Mytquinn69

It’s tragic at that age. My grandson burst into tears when my wife scolded him for peeing all over the bathroom at night. “My penis gets all pointy and I can’t help it.” – Twitter, @frozenpypes

Pretend you’re asleep. – Twitter, @lenoraparkey

“It’s ok. It’s normal.” – Twitter, @Kerrirawson


Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram.

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”


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