Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

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Me: Why are you so evil?

Kate: Must be genetic, MOM.

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Me: You jealous I saw Bruno Mars in Atlanta?

Kate: You jealous I saw Bruno Mars in Kansas City and he said, “Hey, Kansas Citaaaaayy!”

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Me: Were you guys hot or cold last night?

Emma: Hot.

Kate: Hot and cold.

Me: How can you be hot and cold?

Kate: I got hot but then I just put one leg outside the blankets.

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I chaperoned one of Kate’s field trips. It was at the Mahaffie Stagecoach Stop, a working farm where kids learn about 1860s Kansas and the trails to the west.

Employee: What did the kids do for fun on the Oregon trails? Remember they had to walk the whole way to Oregon.

Boy: Play on their iPads.

Employee: No, they couldn’t do that because they didn’t have….anyone?

Kate: WIFI!

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At Mahaffie Stagecoach Stop.

Employee: Welcome to the California Trail! You read in the newspaper that someone found a little bit of gold in the Sutter River in California! 2,000 miles away, a 4-month trip! Would you give up your home and drag your family to California for a tiny bit of gold?

Class: No!

Kate: YES!

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Me: Let’s go to the pumpkin patch!

Kate: I want to bring a friend with us.

Me: I’m your friend.

Kate: No, you’re my mom.

Me: Your friend too.

Kate: No, my mom.

Me: And friend.

Kate: No.

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I picked up Kate from school.

Me: Where did you get gum? Did your teacher let you have some?

Kate: My friend gave it to me at the end the day. Because, you know, it’s the end of the day and I’m outta here so the teacher can’t tell me no.

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Stella put her head on my chest while I was laying on the couch.

Kate: I think she wants milk.

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Me: Take a shower!

Emma: Nah, ponytail day tomorrow.

Kate: Good one, Emma! Ponytail day.

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Me: See, Kate? That’s it. The eye doctor is the easiest doctor you’ll see. No needles.

Eye doctor: Yep! Easy!

Kate: Hair cutter doctor is easy too.

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Kate: What are you doing?

Me: Watching our Uber Eats guy drive on the map.

Kate: What?

Me: You can see his car. Look.

Kate: No, I’m not a stalker like you.

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Me: Any other questions before you babysit Ethan?

Emma: So when he goes to bed, do I just sit in the corner of his room and watch him sleep?

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Me: Hey, do you two have any floss in your bathrooms? Can I borrow some?

Emma: I’m out.

Kate: No floss in my bathroom either.

Me: So what have you been flossing with?

Emma:

Kate: I have one string left for me tonight.

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Me: Your teacher gave you such a good report at conferences, Kate! You’re the kid that is friends with everyone!

Emma: Pssh. She’s not like that at home. She’s evil here.

Kate: One time I saw Emma’s name on a test and I crossed her name out.

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I took Kate out to eat at a restaurant while Scott and Emma hunted.

Me: You want guac, don’t you?

Kate: How did you know what I was thinking?

Me: I’m your mom and I always know what you’re thinking.

Kate: What am I thinking now?

Me: You’re thinking I don’t know what you’re thinking.

Kate: WRONG. I’m thinking of Eric Hosmer eating a taco. (KC Royals first baseman)

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Emma: Which celebrity do I look like?

Me: Probably anyone that looks like me.

Kate: I know! You know that one actress…she’s in that one movie…Oh! Yes! I remember! POOP!

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Emma: Who was your first concert, dad?

Scott: Smashing Pumpkins.

Emma: Play them.

Scott put on Smashing Pumpkins in the car.

Kate: WASTE OF MONEY!

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I put on Snoop Dogg. I start singing and dancing in the car.

Me: “Drop it like it’s hot….Drop it like it’s hot. When the pigs try to get at you…Park it like it’s hot…park it like it’s hot.”

Emma: Gross, mom. This sound so old.

Kate: You’re dying mom, face it.

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Me: Ok, looks like one of you will take your cousin Ben for Christmas. And one of you will take Lucy.

Kate: I CALL LUCY! I like her style of stealing Ben’s toys away on FaceTime.

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Me: Did you brush your teeth?

Emma: Yes, we both did.

Me: Floss?

Kate Who does that?

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Me: Hey, Emma? Can you pour me a little bit more wine?

Emma: Sure. Hey, wait, how do I open this?

Me: It’s already opened. Just pull the cork with your hands.

Emma: It’s not working!

Kate: Got it.

Kate walked over to Emma. Put the cork in her mouth and yanked. And then poured the wine.

Kate: You don’t pour a lot of wine in a glass, Emma. Just like a few inches. And there we go. Ready to serve!

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

pepper2017

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