Google this.

I’m excited for the weekend.

I’m excited because I have nothing going on. Nothing. It’s the middle of the November and I have nothing going on. I can’t remember the last time I had a free weekend. The summer, maybe? I don’t know.

I am in my PJs. The girls are watching Home Alone in the living room. I am in my writing room, hanging out with you beautiful people. I have a glass of red wine and Spotify’s “Your Favorite Coffeehouse” station on. The fireplace is lit, raising the temperature way past Scott’s liking. Scott’s still out of town.

What do you want to do?

I have an idea!

I haven’t done this in awhile. I’ll take you behind-the-scenes on my blog. Let’s see what people ask Google. 

I can see what people google when they click a Google link to my blog. Anyone with a website can see your google search leading you to them.

These are real google searches in the past 90 days. These searches lead people to my blog. Sometimes I can tell which blog post got the hit, sometimes I can’t.

Let’s snoop around. Grab a glass of wine.

Kirby Engelman/Who is Kirby Engelman/How old is Kirby Engelman/National Geographic Kirby Engelman  – By far, this is my most googled search term lately. It’s always on a Saturday. Kirby Engelman is a host for National Geographic Kids show, “Weird But True.” I interviewed Kirby and her brother a few years ago. The show is cute, you should check it out. Everyone else is. [National Geographic Kids: Weird But True]

Why would a man have an epidural? – Because his back went out. [Men get epidurals too]

Can a man get high from an epidural? – No. I didn’t get high with an epidural while giving birth. I wish I did. But then again, I’m not a man.

Do epidurals work on men? Yes. We all have the same spinal column.

Why do guys react worse to epidural? – Because they’re the weaker sex.

Why do bloggers want you to swipe up? – This question is referring to Instagram. Swiping up is a way to add a link to your Instagram stories. If I had a funny blog post I wanted people to see, I would say in my story, “hey guys! Swipe up for the link!” When you swipe up, it would take you directly to the link. The swipe up feature will only be added to your account once you hit 10,000 followers and you like showing off. I have 5,230 followers. [Swipe Up]

I was born Nov. 25, 1948. When is the next time my birthday falls on Thanksgiving? – First of all, Happy 69th Birthday! The answer to your question is 2021. You will be 73 that year.

Birthday ideas for husband whose birthday falls on Thanksgiving – One, that is so sweet of you to make a Thanksgiving birthday special for your husband. Two, I would suggest an actual cake and not pumpkin pie. No pie at all, really. He’s had pie on or around his birthday every year. Give him cake. And ice cream. And candles. And a giant sign to let your families know this is his day and screw you pilgrims for stealing his birthday thunder. 

What do you do if your birthday is on Thanksgiving – You hug your family when they arrive and then you wait. You’re waiting to see if they remember to say “happy birthday” after they tell you “Happy Thanksgiving.” I mean, it’s only a little awkward. You pray to the pilgrims and Mayflower or whatever. You eat a dinner you didn’t choose. You eat pie. Unless you have an amazing wife trying to make this day special. She probably went to Pinterest. I need a refill on my wine. [Thanksgiving steals my birthday thunder]

Men never learn – Amen, sister.

Julie Burton blog Kansas City – What’s up.

Deer sitting on couch – Welcome to Julie Burton’s blog in Kansas City. This is actually Scott’s favorite blog post of all time. [The rack]

Naked Kansan – Hey, now. Not that kind of blog.

FML stories I walked in on my sister shaving – I mean, I’m a little bothered that you decide your sister shaving is the FML part and not your sister naked. But whatever. You must not live in Kansas.

Cat has been suckling herself for 3 years, is this ok – I’m not a vet.

Grandma can’t handle dick in ass she’s farting – Oh my God, you guys. This is a real search term. There are people out there googling this. I have nothing to say. I don’t know whether I want to laugh – bravo for farting, grandma – or be scared. Just stop. Get off your computer.

Well endowed husband – What about it. [My husband is well endowed]

Husband too endowed – I’m getting the impression you don’t like this. Don’t buy the car without test driving.

Muscular well endowed docs – So close! Scott’s not a doctor.

Hard nipples workout – I don’t know the answer to this. Are you even working out? I get all hot and sweaty and I want to die and everything inverts. Focus on your own workout, dude. I know you’re a dude. Believe me, no woman cares about nipples unless she’s having nursing problems. And even then, she’s probably crying. I need more wine.

How long has Julie Burton worked for Whea – Not this Julie Burton. Apparently there are a lot of us but it’s not me. This Julie Burton is drinking wine and talking to you beautiful people.


Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”


4 thoughts on “Google this.

  1. If my birthday fell on Thanksgiving I would totally want both pie and cake. That would actually be the most awesomest of birthdays ever, even if I went into a food-induced psychotropic haze afterwards. I laughed a lot at how many times epidural cropped up in your searches. And I can see why The Rack is Scott’s favourite post of yours, it’s now my favourite too for all of the posing shenanigans 🙂


Ok, now it's your turn - write me back.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s