How did you sleep last night?
How did I sleep last night?
How did you sleep?
I’ll tell you how I slept – shitty. I slept shitty.
I wasn’t prepared to sleep shitty. In fact, I was going to have an amazing night’s rest. Scott went out with some friends last night and he left me in all my fabulousness in the middle of my king size bed. I pulled the comforter back and crawled in. I opened my phone to start scrolling, and poof.
The hiss of the pillow blew out the sides of my head. There was half an inch of pillow in between my head and mattress.
What the hell.
I examined the pillow. The pillow case was mine. I squeezed the pillow. I could feel my palms touching each other between the pillow.
This is the world’s flattest pillow.
I threw the pillow on the ground and grabbed Scott’s pillow. Poof.
My head fell to the mattress.
Is this a joke? It’s like laying on a pillow case. Did Scott change our pillows? Why would he change the pillows? I’m so tired. I’ll ask him in the morning.
I fell asleep. Scott woke me up.
Scott: Hey, I’m home. Brett, Colby, and I are going to keep drinking in the kitchen. Come drink whiskey with us.
Me: No. What? Hey, wait. Did you change our pillows?
Scott: Huh? Why would I change the pillows?
Me: Feel how flat these are.
Scott: I didn’t touch the pillows. Come out if you want to drink.
Scott closed the door.
Now I’m wide awake. Maybe I should have a drink. Pillows. Flat pillows. These must have come from upstairs. I don’t have pillows down here. Guest room? But Brett and Colby are using the guest pillows. Hmmm…who would do this? Emma? Kate?
An old picture buried deep in my phone flashed in my mind – something about it stood out – a certain facial expression or the way she stood. It was like my brain pulled a file out for me to consider while searching for an answer.
I opened my phone. I scrolled back two years. There it was.
The tilt of her head and her small smirk. Her smile was not for the camera. Oh, no. Kate doesn’t smile for photos. The smile was for herself. The mischievous sparkle in her eye. It’s a sparkle she can’t hide from her mother.
Who changed my pillows?
It was Kate.
The mastermind behind the great pillow switch was Kate. Kate changed my pillows. I looked at the time. 12:54 in the morning. There was no way in hell I was going to wake her up and Kate knew this while pushing her flat pillow into my own pillowcase.
I fell asleep. I slept shitty. There was no pillow to hug. Nothing to flip to the cool side. Nothing. My head rested on nothing.
Me: WAKE UP.
Kate: Yes, mommy?
She smiled with her eyes closed. I yanked the pillow from under her head.
Me: I KNEW IT. MY PILLOW! YOU JACKED MY PILLOW! YOU TOOK YOUR DINK PILLOW AND PUT IT IN MY PILLOW CASE AND NOW YOU HAVE MY PILLOW HIDDEN IN YOUR PILLOW CASE.
The picture flashed in my head again.
Kate: Emma did it too! It’s so much more better.
Me: So you decided to take my pillows?
Kate: Uh, YOU took them from ME. Nana gave me and Emma those pillows and YOU took them first! YOU!
Me: That was like two years ago. Whose idea was this?
Me: I’m switching them back.
Kate: No, you’re not.
Me: While you’re at school. Yes, I am. I didn’t sleep at all last night on that pancake pillow.
Kate: Not very fun is it?
Me: Stop it. I’ll get you new ones.
Kate: You’ll get yourself new ones.
I should have drank the whiskey. Scott slept great.
And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”