Scott doesn’t have a Facebook account.
I mean he has an account on Facebook but he never looks at it. He doesn’t even have the app anymore. He receives family and friends gossip from me. If you want to interact with Scott on social media – follow him on Instagram. He only posts hunting pictures, for the most part.
Why did Scott stop looking at Facebook? He says he got bored with it. People complained too much. I think he stopped using Facebook because the wives were killing my vibe.
“Mike’s cool girlfriend hunts with him all the time. Look at all these turkeys she’s killed.”
“Jim’s wife is super hot. I bet he gets laid every night.”
“Hunter’s family looks normal in these family pictures. Must be nice.”
These statements are Scott’s opinion, of course. He succumbed to Facebook’s Fakebook. But if you talk to Mike, Jim, or Hunter, you will find that all of the men – including Scott – are married to the same wife.
Things ALL WIVES say to their husbands – I don’t care how many hobbies a wife shares with her husband, how hot she is, or how picture-perfect her family appears in a photo. We’re all the same. We’re all mad here.
- “This period blood made your children.” From buying tampons to listening about her cramps to sharing a bed with blood stained sheets – men have to hear about periods. I would dare to say a menstruating woman is grosser than any male. Just look in the bathroom trash can.
- “We can’t stay late.” Maybe she said it in the car on the way to the party. Or maybe she whispered it in his ear. This doesn’t happen at every social event but it will happen. She doesn’t want to be there. She wants to be at home because the drunker he gets, the more responsibility falls on her shoulders. Those kids are waking up at 6 am and a puking husband is the last thing she needs.
- “Here’s your list.” The list. Every wife has one. The list can be limited to physical things she can’t do or doesn’t know how to do. It can also include shared chores of the household. The hotter the wife, the longer she takes to get ready, therefore – the longer the chore list. It’s science.
- “Fine. But leave my shirt on and hurry up.” We’ve all said it. We’re tired ok?
- “I gotta poop.” I mean, women do eat. Women poop. The normal women poop, the hot women poop, your daughters poop, your mom poops, Kate Upton poops. Ok, fine – they might not say ‘poop’ but it’s disguised as, “I was sick in the bathroom this morning.” Whatever. It’s poop. She pooped.
- “Take them. They’re your kids.” That picture-perfect family has days where the kids break them – both of them, mom and dad. They can’t do it anymore. That mom will be pushed past the point of exhaustion and that’s when – oh yeah! Another person helped create this 3-year-old spawn of Satan. Your turn.
- “Wait! Stop! We need to get a picture so I can put it on Instagram!” She’s said it because she wants to show off her loves. You can’t see a life in a still-shot picture. We’re all mad here.
And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”