Laces out.

It’s the one day of the year you can be anyone.

You are not who you were born to be.

You can slip out of your own clothes and into someone else’s. You can be dead. You can be a fictional character brought to life. You can be a celebrity. You can change sexes. You can even change from a human, if you really wanted to.

You can attempt murder on Dan Marino because he didn’t place the football with THE LACES OUT. He forced me to miss the kick – thus losing the game – in the final play of Super Bowl XVII against the San Francisco 49ers.

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I’m sorry, did I say I attempted murder on Dan Marino? I did not. I meant she.

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She.

Lt. Lois Einhorn with the Miami-Dade Police Department attempted murder on Dan Marino. She dolphin-napped Snowflake from the Miami Dolphins. She murdered Roger Podactor. And – she made out with Ace Ventura, the Pet Detective.

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She also really needed to lose the damn beard because we could have sacked this contest. But she wouldn’t because EINHORN IS A MAN.

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EINHORN IS FINKLE. FINKLE IS EINHORN.

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Who beat Finkle and Einhorn? Who beat a real woman with a sock shoved down her pants and a real man, also with a sock shoved down his pants? Emma’s poor soccer socks.

Well, it wasn’t the reigning Halloween champs – the host and hostess of the night.

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It wasn’t Hugh Hefner. Although, there was that one time Finkle met Hef at the Playboy mansion. If you dig through the mansion’s archives, you might find a picture.

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Finkle naturally met Andy Reid too. But no, Andy Reid and his Chiefs didn’t beat Finkle. Go Dolphins.

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It was them.

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The King of Pop and his girlfriend won the Halloween costume contest of 2017. 

Michael’s girlfriend is a huge Dolphins fan.

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The biggest shocker of this night – this night, on the one day of the year you can be anyone. On the night you are not who you were born to be.

YOU GUYS – I AM MY FATHER.

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_________

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The traditional morning after picture: Ray Finkle only drinks coffee from his favorite college mug. Oh look! So did Daenerys Targaryen.

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Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram

And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”

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