Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.
I walked in the living room. Emma and Kate were watching Princess Diaries 2.
Me: Hey girls. Oh, I love this movie! Did you know Julie Andrews is Mary Poppins? (singing) Just a spoon full of sugar helps the….
Kate: Princess Mia is 21 and she can drink wine now.
Me: Don’t put a lot of salt on your food, please.
Emma: That’s your own opinion.
We took the girls to an outdoor concert in Minnesota. Kate followed me to the port-a-potty. I used the handicapped stall so we could both fit inside. I didn’t want her waiting outside in the dark by herself.
Me: Here, hold my wine glass.
Me: And here.
I pulled my phone out of my back pocket. Kate “cheers” the wine glass to my phone.
Me: Hold my phone too.
Kate: Oh, I thought you wanted to cheers.
Scott: LET’S GO, KATE! WHAT’S TAKING YOU SO LONG?
Kate: Knock it off, mommy’s teenage son.
Kate: Can I make lunch?
Me: Sure. We have mac and cheese, sandwiches, and ….
Kate: Blah blah blah.
Emma: KATE! Oh, my gosh! I think there’s a rat in your room!
Emma: Oh, wait. It’s you.
Scott: You can never have boyfriends, Kate and Emma.
Emma: Neither can you, dad.
Me: Let me pull that tooth out, Kate. It’s just hanging there.
Kate: No! I’m going to pull your teeth when they fall out!
Me: Mine already fell out. I have adult teeth.
Kate: I mean when you’re an old granny.
Kate: Where did you go?
Me: I did a workout class with Cody.
Kate: Did Cody make it funner?
In a crowded grocery store aisle.
Kate: Oooooo!! MOM! Remember these things?! Sooo good!
I took the margarita mix out of her hands and put it back on the shelf.
Me: You better not be texting boys on your iPod, Emma.
Kate: I have a boy I text.
Kate: Papa’s my boy.
I tried on a new shirt in front of Kate. I was checking out my backside in a mirror.
Kate: NOT cute on the back.
Kate: Just my opinion.
Scott, Kate and I went shopping at Nordstrom for their Anniversary Sale.
I took Kate to the kids section while Scott shopped in the mens. I checked out at the register.
Saleslady: These socks are nice colors.
Me: Oh. My husband picked those out for himself downstairs. He’s down there now.
Saleslady: Such a good deal too.
Me: Yeah, he’s good at finding deals.
Saleslady: These jeans are adorable.
Me: For my other daughter. She’s not here.
Saleslady: And I’m guessing these are for you, young lady?
Saleslady: And what about you? The whole family got something but you!
Kate: HERS IS COMING IN THE MAIL. SHE SPENT ALL DAY SHOPPING YOUR SALE ONLINE.
Kate walked in my writing room with one of my expensive charcoal facial masks smeared all over face.
Me: KATE! HEY! Is that my charcoal mask?! Those are so expensive! You need to ask me before you go through my face stuff.
Kate: (lips not moving because the mask hardened) Don’t make me laugh.
My in-laws were driving the girls somewhere.
Nana: People with food allergies are getting bad nowadays, huh? Even Southwest Airlines won’t serve peanuts if someone is allergic to them.
Kate: Maybe those people need to think about driving to their place.
Scott, Emma, Kate and I were driving in the car.
Emma: Can we go to Winstead’s? I love their shakes.
Kate: Mom, you don’t have to let dad decide. You’re the mom, you know.
Emma knocked down Kate’s hula hoop.
Kate: HEY! Dad! She knocked down my hula hoop!
Scott: Then defend yourself, Kate. Hit her back!
Me: SCOTT. Don’t tell Kate that! She’s going to …
Kate hit Emma.
Emma: OW! I’M TELLING NANA AND PAPA HOW YOU’RE PARENTING, DAD!
In the car.
Emma: Stop smiling, Kate. It’s annoying me.
Kate: Can I have a Luden’s? My throat hurts.
Me: Ok, but your friends can’t come back over.
Kate: What?! Why?
Me: If you’re throat hurts, that tells me you’re sick. I wouldn’t want your friends to catch something contagious from you.
Kate: (swallows) Just checking. Yeah, my throat doesn’t hurt anymore. Weird.
Special Edition: Oh, kids
Lane, 2nd grade: Has anyone ever told you that a candy cane looks like a crow bar?
Lane: Wyatt, rain is just God sweating.
Gabby, kindergarten: You can call me Cicada now.
Me: Like, the bug?
Gabby: Yes. That’s my name now. Cicada.
Me: Goodnight, girls!
Savannah, preschool: But I want to talk about booties.
Colton, 1st grade: I remember when Stella was a puppy!
Me: Aw, I know! She was so little!
Colton: She was tinier than my sister’s head.
Evelyn, preschool: Can I watch Sofia on your TV?
Me: Well, the TV isn’t working.
Evelyn: Maybe it’s dead and it needs to be charged.
And don’t forget to buy my book, “But Did You Die?”