Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

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I walked in the living room. Emma and Kate were watching Princess Diaries 2.

Me: Hey girls. Oh, I love this movie! Did you know Julie Andrews is Mary Poppins? (singing) Just a spoon full of sugar helps the….

Kate: Princess Mia is 21 and she can drink wine now.

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Me: Don’t put a lot of salt on your food, please.

Emma: That’s your own opinion.

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We took the girls to an outdoor concert in Minnesota. Kate followed me to the port-a-potty. I used the handicapped stall so we could both fit inside. I didn’t want her waiting outside in the dark by herself.

Me: Here, hold my wine glass.

Kate: Ok.

Me: And here.

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket. Kate “cheers” the wine glass to my phone.

Me: Hold my phone too.

Kate: Oh, I thought you wanted to cheers.

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Scott: LET’S GO, KATE! WHAT’S TAKING YOU SO LONG?

Kate: Knock it off, mommy’s teenage son.

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Kate: Can I make lunch?

Me: Sure. We have mac and cheese, sandwiches, and ….

Kate: Blah blah blah.

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Emma: KATE! Oh, my gosh! I think there’s a rat in your room!

Kate: WHAT!

Emma: Oh, wait. It’s you.

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Scott: You can never have boyfriends, Kate and Emma.

Emma: Neither can you, dad.

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Me: Let me pull that tooth out, Kate. It’s just hanging there.

Kate: No! I’m going to pull your teeth when they fall out!

Me: Mine already fell out. I have adult teeth.

Kate: I mean when you’re an old granny.

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Kate: Where did you go?

Me: I did a workout class with Cody.

Kate: Did Cody make it funner?

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In a crowded grocery store aisle.

Kate: Oooooo!! MOM! Remember these things?! Sooo good!

I took the margarita mix out of her hands and put it back on the shelf.

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Me: You better not be texting boys on your iPod, Emma.

Kate: I have a boy I text.

Emma: What?!

Kate: Papa’s my boy.

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I tried on a new shirt in front of Kate. I was checking out my backside in a mirror.

Kate: NOT cute on the back.

Me: What?

Kate: Just my opinion.

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Scott, Kate and I went shopping at Nordstrom for their Anniversary Sale.

I took Kate to the kids section while Scott shopped in the mens. I checked out at the register.

Saleslady: These socks are nice colors.

Me: Oh. My husband picked those out for himself downstairs. He’s down there now.

Saleslady: Such a good deal too.

Me: Yeah, he’s good at finding deals.

Saleslady: These jeans are adorable.

Me: For my other daughter. She’s not here.

Saleslady: And I’m guessing these are for you, young lady?

Kate: Yeah.

Saleslady: And what about you? The whole family got something but you!

Kate: HERS IS COMING IN THE MAIL. SHE SPENT ALL DAY SHOPPING YOUR SALE ONLINE.

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Kate walked in my writing room with one of my expensive charcoal facial masks smeared all over face.

Me: KATE! HEY! Is that my charcoal mask?! Those are so expensive! You need to ask me before you go through my face stuff.

Kate: (lips not moving because the mask hardened) Don’t make me laugh.

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My in-laws were driving the girls somewhere.

Nana: People with food allergies are getting bad nowadays, huh? Even Southwest Airlines won’t serve peanuts if someone is allergic to them.

Kate: Maybe those people need to think about driving to their place.

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Scott, Emma, Kate and I were driving in the car.

Emma: Can we go to Winstead’s? I love their shakes.

Scott: No.

Kate: Mom, you don’t have to let dad decide. You’re the mom, you know.

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Emma knocked down Kate’s hula hoop.

Kate: HEY! Dad! She knocked down my hula hoop!

Scott: Then defend yourself, Kate. Hit her back!

Me: SCOTT. Don’t tell Kate that! She’s going to …

Kate hit Emma.

Emma: OW! I’M TELLING NANA AND PAPA HOW YOU’RE PARENTING, DAD!

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In the car.

Emma: Stop smiling, Kate. It’s annoying me.

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Kate: Can I have a Luden’s? My throat hurts.

Me: Ok, but your friends can’t come back over.

Kate: What?! Why?

Me: If you’re throat hurts, that tells me you’re sick. I wouldn’t want your friends to catch something contagious from you.

Kate: (swallows) Just checking. Yeah, my throat doesn’t hurt anymore. Weird.

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Special Edition: Oh, kids

Lane, 2nd grade: Has anyone ever told you that a candy cane looks like a crow bar?

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Lane: Wyatt, rain is just God sweating.

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Gabby, kindergarten: You can call me Cicada now.

Me: Like, the bug?

Gabby: Yes. That’s my name now. Cicada.

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Me: Goodnight, girls!

Savannah, preschool: But I want to talk about booties.

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Colton, 1st grade: I remember when Stella was a puppy!

Me: Aw, I know! She was so little!

Colton: She was tinier than my sister’s head.

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Evelyn, preschool: Can I watch Sofia on your TV?

Me: Well, the TV isn’t working.

Evelyn: Maybe it’s dead and it needs to be charged.

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