Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8. 

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Me: It’s 9:00! Go to bed!

Kate: Mom, it’s 8:49.

Emma: Yeah mom, stop rounding.

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Kate: Wait, a minute. Are you writing down what I’m saying?

Me: Yes.

Kate: Write to the people that I said you have a big butt.

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Kate: Happy New Day’s Eve!

Me: What?

Kate: Every day is New Day’s Eve.

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Kate: Can you imagine the first person to eat an egg?

Me: Yeah, can you imagine someone saying, “I should eat that thing sliding out of a chicken’s butt.

Kate: What?!

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Emma: MOM! I picked off a scab where Kate scratched me and now I’m bleeding again and basically this is all Kate’s fault and needs to be grounded again.

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Kate: My temperature is 89.1.

Me: That’s low. Pretty sure you’d be dead. That’s not right.

Kate: I put it on my chest.

Me: Well those kind of thermometers need to be put inside your body – like under your tongue. Or up your butt.

Kate: Butt?

Me: Sometimes they do that for babies since they can’t hold a thermometer under their tongue.

Kate: What about poking inside the eye?

Me: It’s placed somewhere in your body that wouldn’t hurt, crazy.

Kate: So putting things up your butt doesn’t hurt?

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Kate: What was your first job?

Me: I worked at a daycare.

Kate: Yeah right.

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Leaving for the pool.

Me: Anyone need to pee before we go?

Kate: Nah, I’ll just go in the pool.

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Hostess: If you can follow me, your table is ready.

Kate: I’d rather just sit at the bar.

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Me: STOP. FIGHTING! Kate! Stop being bossy. I’m going to start calling you momma bear!

Kate: Stop it, mom! I’m going to start calling you mommy bear don’t care!

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Me: Girls, today is the first day of summer!

Kate: It is?

Me: Yep, longest day of the year.

Kate: In real life?

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I asked Emma and Kate the same question, but separately. They didn’t hear each other’s answers.

Me: So who’s the cutest boy in your grade?

Emma: Ugh, mom. They’re all so annoying.

Me: So who’s the cutest boy in your grade?

Kate: Why are YOU askin’?

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Emma: Mom! Kate’s being rude to the neighborhood kids!

Me: What did she do?

Emma: She said we live in the biggest house on the street and she’s making people feel bad.

Me: KATE! GET IN HERE! NOW! Kate, you watch your mouth. Stop saying we live in the biggest house on the street. One – it’s not true. Two – Stop saying things like that. How would you feel if someone said that to you?

Kate: Sorry. The words just come out of my mouth.

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Emma walked in the kitchen.

Me: Hm, I don’t think Kate will like my dinner tonight.

Emma: Looks good to me. Who cares? The kid will survive.

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Kate had a friend over.

Friend: What’s this?

Kate: That’s a National Geographic Kids book. My mom gets free stuff from them because she writes for them. They’re in Washington, DC.

Friend: Where’s Washington, DC?

Kate: (points) Like, way over there or something.

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At Target with Kate.

Kate: I need a new bikini.

Me: You have a lot of swimsuits! No, you don’t.

Kate: Only one bikini.

Me: You’ll have to ask your dad about that one.

Kate: He won’t understand. He’s a boy.

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Kate rambled something.

Me: Sorry, I was reading something. What did you say?

Kate: Don’t make me waste my voice again.

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Kate: Emma has lipstick on!

Me: I don’t care.

Emma: Kate, you wear lipstick too!

Kate: No, I don’t. DON’T make me raise my voice at you, Emma!

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Me: Ready for math camp next week, Emma?

Emma: Ugh, I don’t know why you’re making me do this.

Me: Because your teacher highly suggested it before middle school. I put you in the same week as one of your friends. I figured you’d have a funner time.

Emma: Funner is not a word, WRITER.

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I was working on an article for SimplyKC magazine. Kate walked in my writing room.

Me: Hey, this is a work day for me. You need to get out of here.

Kate: Sorry. Can’t. I’m not old enough to leave the house on my own.

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Me: Oh my gosh, girls. 105 heat index today.

Kate: No wonder I’m so hot! I thought it was my shirt.

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I took the girls out to get things for our upcoming road trip to Minnesota. I pulled up to the library.

Emma: Can we stay in the car?

Me: No. It’s too hot. And I need you two to pick out some library books here for our road trip.

Emma: I thought we were going to Barnes and Noble.

Me: We are because I need to get something from there. You’re going to get books from the library. It’s free here.

Kate: But everything in life is free to me and Emma.

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There’s a new grocery store in our part of town. I took the girls in to check it out on the first day. A lady handed Emma a store map. Emma opened the map.

Emma: We are here. And this is where mom made us follow her into the exit door because she doesn’t read signs.

 

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Oh Kids: Nieces Edition. 

I put sunscreen on myself before I got my nieces ready for the pool.

Evelyn, 4: You smell like swim lessons.

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I took my nieces to the library. I let them walk around the kids’ section with other kids playing.

Kid: Is that your sister?

Evelyn, 4: Yes, her name is June.

Kid: Oh.

Evelyn: You should say hi to her.

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Me: Do you take naps with your nana, Evelyn?

Evelyn: No, I don’t take naps.

Me: Oh. Hm, are you lying to me?

Evelyn: No.

Me: I’m going to ask your nana.

Evelyn: But you can’t ask her because she doesn’t lie.

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2 thoughts on “Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

  1. These are great! We used to joke that if anyone would hear our conversations with our kids (or theirs with each other), they’d never let us keep them. Or maybe they’d just shake their heads and say, “Homeschoolers.”

    Like

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