Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 11 and Kate is 8.
Kate: Do you have a bra on?
Emma had a friend over.
Elle: HEY! I NEED TOILET PAPER!
Emma: Just shake it off and let’s go!
I was driving the girls somewhere.
Kate: Telling dad you turned on a red light.
Me: You can turn right on a red light after a stop.
Kate: Oh. Still telling him.
Me: Hey, where did you get that band-aid on your toe?
Me: What happened?
Kate: Nurse said it’s infected and I told her YOU yanked off my hangnail this morning. It was all YOU.
Kate: One time, I told the school nurse my throat hurt so she gave me a cough drop. I told her one time I asked you for a Luden’s cough drop and you took one too. And then I told the nurse that your throat didn’t even hurt, you just ate the Luden’s cough drop and told me not to tell dad.
Emma opened presents on her birthday.
Emma: A magic 8 ball? What’s that?
Me: You ask it questions and you shake it and then it will tell you the answer.
Kate: So like Siri but better.
Me: Emma, help Kate write her birthday thank you notes, please.
Emma: Ok, Kate. After you write “to,” write “thank you” and then whatever gift they gave you. Then write, “Love, Kate.” And then write “this friendship is OVER.”
Emma: What? It would be hilarious.
Me: Your hair is a mess.
Kate: Thank you for telling me that. How sweet a mother you are.
Kate and I were waiting in line at Chipotle. The line was long.
Kate: Hey, mom.
Kate: I bet you we could cut in this line.
Me: We’re not doing that.
Kate: I know. But I bet we could.
Kate: I wish sunset was a color.
Kate jumped in my bed. She grabbed my boob.
Me: KATE! Stop!
Kate: What? I saw you playing with daddy’s nipple in bed.
Emma dropped a piece of food.
Emma: 5 second rule!
Kate: Chloe and I have a 30 second rule.
Me: Hey, Kate. Come here. I can’t see my back. Is this a tick?
Kate: Hm. No. It’s like red and it has a white nipple in the middle.
In the car.
Me: Ready for your soccer game, Emma? Do you have your soccer ball for warm ups?
Emma: I don’t know where it is. So yeah.
I picked up the girls from school.
Me: Oh God.
Emma: MOM! Kate and her SQUAD. Kate’s the leader, by the way. Kate and her SQUAD sat on the sideline of my soccer game during PE.
Me: How did she sit in on your PE?
Emma: We played outdoor soccer and Kate had recess the same time. Every time I got the ball, her and her squad chanted “BOO! EM-MA!”
Kate: Mom. I don’t have a squad.
Kate’s teacher emailed me.
Kate’s teacher: By the way, Kate’s hair is totally cute today. I told her I love her braid and she whips it off and says, “thanks. It’s fake but still cute.”
I took Kate grocery shopping. We passed the pre-packaged Rice Krispies.
Kate: One time, at school, I found one of those Rice Krispies in my lunch and I thought I didn’t like it. But I tried it and liked it and I was like, “Mommy, why you holding out this long?”
Kate: I was at gymnastics today and they played your song, mommy!
Me: What song?
Kate: Bruno Mars! 24 Karat Magic. I was like, “UGH! MOMMY!”
Me: Hey, Kate. Go tell Emma to come down here.
Kate: Can I yell?
Me: No. Go get her.
Kate: Is daddy here?
Me: Kate, are you wearing Emma’s PJs? She’s going to be mad when she gets home.
Kate: Well, Emma is just going to have to deal with it.
Me: How are both of you already tanner than me? I’m the half Mexican here.
Emma: Then maybe you should stop sending us outside all the time.
Emma: Mom, look. It’s a swimsuit.
Kate: Yeah a swimsuit with a ….
I glared at Kate, waiting for her to finish.
Kate: What daddy has.
Scott: No one listens to me in this family. If I were to say “the earth is round” one of you would disagree.
Emma: Actually, the earth’s atmosphere isn’t perfectly round.
I’ve been helping my sister, Jenna, these past few weeks with watching her two daughters, Evelyn (4) and June (2). Aunt Jules is always listening.
Me: Where’s Evelyn? I’m ready to take her.
Me: Oh, I’ll wait.
Jenna: I shut the door to the bathroom and she told me to leave it open.
Jenna: She said she wants you to see her pooping as soon as you walk in.
Evelyn: You look 40. Are you 40?
Scott: I feel 40 but no, not 40. Next time you see me I’ll drink from the fountain of youth and look 20.
Evelyn: It won’t work.
Evelyn: I love my mom more than hopping.
Evelyn: Like a bunny.
Evelyn: Who held me first when I was born?
Me: I wasn’t in the room. You would have to ask your mom that. I’m sure your mom or dad held you first.
Evelyn: I remember this. I remember my mom holding me.
Evelyn: Poop duty.
Evelyn: Poop duty. You think Emma and Kate would like those words?