Oh, the pervs of the Internet.
Search engines play a role in driving traffic to your blog or website. Businesses know this and will invest in what’s called SEO – search engine optimization. Imagine how many companies show up after googling, “car rental companies.” If you owned a car rental company wouldn’t you want to be the first on Google’s list? You’re going to have to pay for that.
I don’t pay for crap.
I don’t know my long-term plan with this blog. I give you free entertainment and you listen. But I would write to myself, really. Believe me, if any of this started to feel like “work” then I’d shut this thing down. As far as branding myself – it would take an investment in SEO, for sure. But I’m just a woman with a laptop and a life.
I’m rambling about myself. I’ll stop.
The letter J.
No, it’s not Julie.
What was I talking about? Oh. Yes. Perverts. If my blog shows up because of something you googled – I can see your google search term. Most google search terms are obvious which blog post got the hit.
Recently, “Charlie Engleman” shows up every Saturday. That would be my National Geographic’s Weird But True post.
Or every November I see, “Thanksgiving birthday.” I got your back, google searcher. Thanksgiving Steals My Birthday Thunder.
But sometimes I see the perverts. “Sexy man in jockstrap” or “man on man jockstraps” or “woman wearing jockstrap.”
Get out of here, I didn’t wear a jockstrap. But I did write about one. I had questions. Scott had answers. This post still receives hits almost every month.
The letter J.
The Jockstrap. Written April 16, 2014.
Scott doesn’t read my blog.
I know, it’s a little surprising. He will read a post if I ask him to read it. He will also read a post if it gets a lot of attention from his friends on Facebook. His response to not reading my blog is –
“I live the blog.”
Scott won’t read this post.
You guys, he wears lingerie clips when he plays hockey.
I was laying in bed with Scott last night. We were watching baseball. My eyes fell to the cute pitcher’s butt. I mean, it’s like right there.
Hm. I wonder if baseball players wear jockstraps? I can’t tell from the TV. I should ask Scott. Wait. Don’t ask Scott. He’ll think I’m dumb. They’d have to wear them. The flying ball might hit the hanging balls. Right?
Me: Do you have a jockstrap?
Scott: Yeah, it’s in my hockey bag.
Me: Can I see it?
Me: I don’t think I’ve ever seen one.
Scott: It’s a piece of plastic.
Me: Go get it.
Scott: No! It smells like hockey gear.
Me: You don’t wash your jockstrap?
Scott: I don’t know. Yeah, I’m sure it’s been washed.
Me: Does it cover everything hanging? Like all cupped up in a ball of plastic?
Scott: (raises his eyebrows) Are you serious? I slip the plastic piece inside the strap and it covers everything.
Me: Doesn’t it, like, chafe? That can’t be comfortable.
Scott: No, it doesn’t really chafe. It’s not the most comfortable thing.
Me: If I were a guy, I would just go without it. That’s got to be annoying.
Scott: If you were a guy, you would be wearing one if you knew what a blow to the balls feels like.
Me: Are there sizes?
Me: May I ask what size you are?
Scott: I don’t know, it’s based on underwear size.
Me: So like a medium.
Me: LARGE! Sorry, large. I forgot you’re a large. So you wear a large size jockstrap. Is that the biggest one?
Scott: I’m done talking to you.
Me: Wait, wait. I don’t know these things! I’m a girl. I’m fascinated. We don’t have sons. I’ll never know. How does it stay there? You’d have to have a thong for it to stay down over the balls.
Scott: No. I don’t have a string up my butt. I put my legs through the straps and it sits on my hips.
Me: I’m so confused. Go get it.
Scott: No. You can go in the garage and get my hockey bag off the wall if you want to see it.
Me: Don’t make me google image search this.
Scott: Ok. It has a waist band, the straps go here on my hips to hold it up. There’s a slip here to put the plastic cup in. My socks that hold my shin guards go up over my knee. I clip the straps to the socks.
Me: STOP. You clip straps to the socks?
Me: You mean tell me you wear those bra strap looking things on your legs? Like when you see a woman in full lingerie. Those clips that hold the panty hose up. The clips that men drool over.
Scott: I’m sorry. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen lingerie so I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: You know exactly what I’m talking about. I didn’t know they made lingerie clips for hockey players! HA!
Scott: What are you laughing at?
Me: All those hockey players wear lingerie straps! This just puts whole new perspective on the fighting. Don’t you feel sexy throwing punches? Hey, these are kinda hot.
Scott: What are you doing?
Me: Google image search.
Scott: Is this a porn site?
Me: No, it’s google image search: jockstrap. This is what shows up. Where’s the sexy clips?
Scott: You’re going to get viruses on your computer.
Me: It’s a google image search! Maybe I’m looking for a new jockstrap for my husband or son. Google doesn’t know why I’m googling jockstraps. Oh, wait. They have a separate section for hockey jockstraps. Ah, here we go. Oooo sexy clips for the hockey playa. You men. You want women to dress in these yet here you are wearing them with other men.
Scott: It’s a JOCKSTRAP. MEN WEAR JOCKSTRAPS. I’m going to bed.
Me: Wait, do baseball players wear them?
Scott: Good night.
Three years later, I realize that I, too, am a pervert of the Internet googling “jockstraps.”