I know. It doesn’t start with the letter D. I’m getting there. Keep reading.
Spring cleaning is the time to dust off the cabinets and scrub the floors. Baseboards are wiped down. Walls are cleaned and maybe even repainted. The salt and grime left on your winter boots are put away. Expired food in the pantry gets thrown out. The closets get organized. You start a pile of clothes for Goodwill and what the hell?
A Target clothing tag. Liz Lange Maternity. Size L. $29.99
No way. There’s no way. The last time I was pregnant was 2008. How is it possible a clothing tag survived two house moves? No.
Scott: What’s that?
Me: It’s a clothing tag. I’m so confused.
Me: There’s no way this is my tag.
Scott: Let me see. YOU BOUGHT MATERNITY!
Me: Stop laughing! Did I? Did I accidentally buy maternity? Let me think. What did I buy? Target…
Me: No, I didn’t. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be a large? I’m a small, sometimes medium. But never a large. Liz Lange Maternity. $29.99. Large. Target. Clothes.
Oh my God. He’s sleeping with a pregnant woman. A pregnant woman buying new clothes and leaving the tag on my closet floor.
Me: Scott. This seriously is not mine. Did you…OH MY GOD! IT’S YOURS.
Me: IT’S YOUR DRESS!
Scott: My dress?
Me: YES! I knew I didn’t buy maternity! KNEW IT.
Scott: I have no clue what you’re talking about.
Me: This is from October.
Me: The Dude Looks Like a Lady party! Your dress! I bought you a maternity dress!
Scott: OHHHHHH MY GOSH.
Scott walked out of the room.
The letter D.