Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7.
Me: Good night, Kate.
Kate: Night, Becky.
Kate: Look at her butt, Becky.
Kate: What are you doing?
Me: Taking down your Christmas lights in your bedroom window. It’s not Christmas anymore.
Kate: What makes a string of pretty lights, Christmas lights?
The girls started crossing their eyes at each other.
Me: Gross! Stop.
Scott: Did you know if you cross your eyes for a long time, they’ll stay that way?
Emma: That’s not true. That’s just something parents say to their kids.
Kate: Yeah, dad. Remember that picture of you holding a beer and crossing your eyes. They’re not stuck.
Kate: How do you spell, “Joe’s?”
Me: Oh, sorry. J-O-E-S.
Emma: Way to go, writer.
Emma: Did you know farts stink because of the bacteria in your butt?
Kate received a Garmin Vivofit, Jr. for Christmas. It’s a watch that tracks her activity and sleep levels. It also allows me to give her virtual “coins” for doing chores.
Me: So when you do a chore on my list, let me know and I’ll give you a coin.
Kate: Ok, got it. And what if I lie to you?
Me: Kate, take a shower. Don’t be the stinky kid at school tomorrow.
Kate: I like being the stinky kid.
Me: Why would you want to be the kid that stinks?
Kate: It means I had fun.
I was flipping through radio stations in the car. “Drunk on a Plane” starts playing.
Me: This song?
Emma: I love this song.
Me: Kate, will you shovel the driveway?
Kate: Emma said she has a fun way of shoveling.
Kate: She puts me on the shovel and pushes the snow up on me.
Me: Do you want ketchup or mustard on your hot dog?
Kate: What do you think?
Me: I don’t know.
Kate: You just said the answer. N-O.
Kate gave us a coupon book of “free chores” for Christmas.
Scott: Let me get my coupon book. I’m going to use a coupon tonight. Let’s see…put dishes away, 10-minute back rub, take trash out, which one do I want to use…
Kate: Only one.
Scott: What does this say? Free 30 minutes playing on daddy’s phone?
Kate: I made myself a coupon.
Me: KATE. I’M YOUR MOTHER AND YOU LISTEN TO ME.
Kate: JULIE. I’M YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU LISTEN TO ME.
Kate: I want Ramen noodles.
Me: No, enough Ramen. It’s not good for you. There’s a lot of salt in it.
Emma: Mom, your shirt says Salt Life.
Kate gets in the car after school.
Kate: Ah, I love breaking rules.
We played Monopoly Jr. one night.
Me: Ok, whoever wins this game wins a real dollar.
Kate: YAY! From Emma’s piggy bank?
Kate made a pretend “doggy daycare” shop.
Me: It’s 8:30! Time to go to bed!
Kate: Nope, sorry. My shop doesn’t close until 9. I gotta work.
I picked up the girls from school.
Kate: There’s a boy in my class that went on a cruise with his family.
Me: That’s nice.
Kate: He got a haircut on the ship.
Me: Yeah, cruise ships have cool little places like that. It’s like a small town.
Kate: I need a haircut.
Me: Please don’t.
Kate: On a cruise ship.
Kate: What’s a weenie?
Kate: Heard it at school.
Me: I don’t know.
Kate: Daddy has one, doesn’t he?
Me: Goodnight, Kate.
Kate: Night, you sloth.
I gave the girls their backpacks before we walked out the door.
Me: You two both wear your backpacks on both shoulders.
Me: I used to wear one strap over one shoulder. Like this.
Emma: Mom, only kids who think they’re cool do that.
Kate: Mom! Don’t you want your back to be supported? What’s wrong with you?
I dropped Kate and Emma off at their Nana and Papa’s house. It was dark. Kate got out of the car first. She ran to the front of the garage door so the headlights shined on her. She put her sunglasses on, did a shimmy, gave me a peace sign and struts to the front door.
Emma: Mom. Don’t you know what kind of teenager she’s going be?
Me: Wake up!
Kate moans in bed.
Me: Wake up! I told you! Should have went to bed earlier last night.
Kate sits up in bed, eyes still shut, and pushes me off the bed.
Emma: Can I go over my friend’s house after school? It was her birthday at school and she has extra popsicles. She said we could eat the rest at her house.
Me: Sure. What kind of popsicles?
Emma: Uh, the kind that stains my shirt really bad right here.
Emma: We read a Scholastic magazine in class today. At the end, there’s a question that makes you think about the article.
Me: What was the question?
Emma: Is it ok for parents to put their kid’s pictures on Facebook or Instagram without the kid’s permission?
Me: Hm. What do you think about that?
Emma: I think it’s ok for parents to do that. I like it when you post my picture or write about me.
Kate: I don’t. Let me see it first.
Me: Ok, here’s another question – at what age does a child have the right to say no? When a baby is born, almost every parent I know will post a picture of the baby because they’re proud. A baby or toddler doesn’t have an opinion. What if a pre-schooler screams, “NO!” to everything? What age should a parent take their request seriously?
Emma: Hm, maybe when the kid can read?
Kate: TAKE OFF MY BABY PICTURES, MOM!