Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7.
Scott and Kate got in an argument before bed. I checked on Kate before she fell asleep.
Me: Good night, Kate!
Kate: Tell daddy to come in here.
Me: Really? I thought you were mad at him?
Kate: I have words with him.
I picked up the girls from school. Emma slammed the door, mad.
Me: What happened?
Emma: KATE. She brought me my water this morning.
Me: She did? I gave you your waters before school?
Emma: You switched water bottles. She walked into my class and said, “Emma! You switched water bottles and now there’s your slobber all over this.” And she LICKS MY WATER BOTTLE IN HER HAND. The whole class starts laughing and now they know our family is weird.
Me: Your purse is so full.
Kate: I come to life prepared.
Me: It’s snowing!
Kate: I want to eat yellow snow.
Kate: I want to eat (puts up air quotes) YELLOW. SNOW.
Kate watched Fuller House on Netflix. Scott was next to her, watching football on TV.
Kate: Watch this part, dad.
Scott: Hold on.
Kate: No, you really need to watch this.
Scott: Wait. What is it?
Kate: It’s her first kiss.
Kate: Watch it!! They’re kissing. It’s my favorite part.
I talked to Kate before putting her in bed.
Me: Mmmm. You smell like daddy. Like his soap.
Kate: I used his soap in the shower.
Me: Really? His bar soap?
Kate: I like putting it up my butt then I laugh because I know daddy gets to use it next.
Kate and I play a game called Panda Pop on my phone and Kate’s iPod.
Me: Guess what, Kate? Panda Pop gave us unlimited lives today! I played it the whole time you were at school! Ha!
Kate: UGH! Oh yeah? You’re just jealous of my summer birthday.
Kate: Why do you wear makeup?
Me: Um, I don’t know. I like it?
Kate: I think you just want to look pretty.
Kate dropped her pen.
Kate: Oh, you mother.
Me: What did you say?
Later that night, Scott dropped his phone.
Scott: Oh, you mother.
I have my own column in Simply KC magazine (starting in January’s issue). The column is about my life. The magazine needed a few photos of me with the kids so they sent a photographer to my house.
Me: Don’t forget we have a photoshoot after school today. Tell your teachers you’re going to be in a magazine!
Kate: Like, totally. (flips hair) I’m totally going to be in a magazine. Like, gorgeous. (laughs)
Emma: (makes an ugly face with buck teeth and crosses eyes) Hey teacher? You think I’m real pretty? You think I’m pretty enough for a magazine?
Text message from our neighbor, Chris: Does anyone have some Kraft yellow cheese? I’m too lazy to go out and buy some.
Me: If it’s unhealthy, we have it. I’ll send Kate down.
Chris: Thanks for the cheese. Kate said, “here’s the cheese and my mom isn’t going to return that Halloween trophy you won. She’s keeping it at her house.”
We were celebrating Christmas with extended family.
Emma: What’s everyone talking about?
Me: This. I’m one of the funniest parents on the Today Show again!
Emma: What does it say?
Emma: UGH! Mom! I’m funny too! Write what I say. Don’t listen to Kate!
Kate was sliding on a sheet of ice on our patio.
Me: KATE! Be careful! You’re making me nervous!
Kate: No, mom! It’s fun!
Emma: One time, I was in the car with dad and we saw a truck driving on snow in a parking lot, making huge circles.
Me: It’s called making donuts.
Kate: Probably a truth or dare.
Me: Life lesson, girls. When someone farts on your face, you jab your finger up their butt like this. (I push my finger up Scott’s butt)
Kate: That’s disgusting!
Emma: So if someone farts on your face, you have the fart on your face AND you have it on your finger too? Gross, mom.
Me: Kate, what color do you want me to paint your nails?
Kate: Check my Pinterest board.
Kate asked me to braid her hair in my bathroom.
Scott: Kate, do you want to go coyote hunting with me?
Kate: Nope! I’m gettin’ fancy today.
Kate: Daddy, sometimes I love you. Sometimes I don’t.
We were having Christmas dinner with family.
Me: Are you going to sit at the kids’ table?
Kate: Something like that.
Me: What does that mean?
Papa: She told me she’s sitting at the dessert table alone so she can sneak desserts on her plate.
Our Christmas tree fell in the night. I was busy helping Scott the next morning while Kate had my phone. Emma was at a friend’s house. I found these text messages on my phone:
I played “Baby Got Back” on my Bose speaker.
Me: “Oh my God, Becky. Look at her butt. It is so big.”
Scott: Will you turn that off? The kids are listening.
Me: They’ve heard it before.
Scott: Don’t let them listen to that!
Me: Ugh. Oh my God, Becky. Fine. (I turn off the song)
Kate: Oh my God, Becky. Look at mom’s butt. It is so flat. Like flatter than a pancake.
Emma: Papa called us.
Me: He did?
Emma: I tricked him.
Me: What do you mean?
Emma: I answered and I said, “9-1-1 what’s your emergency.”
Me: What did Papa say?
Emma: He said he has explosive diarrhea.
Kate: What are you writing about?
Me: Well, it’s a blank screen right now. What should I write. Here. I’ll type what you say.
Kate: Hmmmm. For the people. By Kate Burton.
Me: Ok, got it. A by-line. Good. Now what?
Kate: One time my mom wasn’t watching me closely and I fell down the stairs and broke my leg. I was one. It hurt.
Me: I’m not writing that.
Kate: Then tell the people about the staples pushed on my top of my head.
Kate: I’m done writing for the day.