Things I’ve said worth quoting.
How do I remember things I’ve said worth quoting? It’s not like I’m famous and things get written down or recorded when I speak. It’s not like I’m a stand-up comedian. It’s not like anyone cares what I have to say. It’s not like I haven’t repeated myself all day to the kids and husband to pick up your damn shoes.
Things I’ve said worth quoting. Impossible.
Oh wait! Yes I do, kids! Yes, I do!
I have 7 years of quotes. 92 months of one-liners. 2,800 days of sorta half-ass jokes.
Things I’ve said worth quoting. They have to be funny if I forget about them, rediscover them, and laugh? Right?
“10-year-old me: When am I ever going to use long division in real life?
34-year-old-me: (opening daughter’s backpack) Oh, you son of a bitch.”
“Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!
It’s like she didn’t even want a tip.”
“Hi, my child will be late to school because there’s a bump in her sock.”
“Husband: I need your credit card to buy something off Amazon.
Me: I have it memorized, ready?
“Just got carded for buying rubber cement.
Hey kids – in my day, we drank alcohol.”
“My throat hurts. This can’t happen.
If I get sick, the house collapses, and my family wanders the streets in search of shelter and food.”
“Dropped birth control pill. Dog ate it.
Have fun humping your stuffed animal.”
“Liquor store employee: Can I see your ID?
Liquor store employee: You didn’t sign the back of your card.
“If I told my husband how much I paid for my shampoo, he would stop using my shampoo.
But then I would be admitting how much I paid for my shampoo.”
“”That looks absolutely miserable. It would suck to do that everyday.”
–my husband, watching me put on skinny jeans.”
“Does anyone else run on your tippy toes if you’re barefoot? Does anyone else say tippy toes?”
“Me: Siri, what was the Royals score last night?
Siri: The Royals got smashed by the Mariners 6 to nothing.
Me: You trash talking’, Siri?”
“10: Mom, a boy laughed at me at school for having hairy legs.
Me: He’s not worth shaving for.
Me: Just remember that.”
“I put my hand down the garbage disposal, searching for the clog. And then I prayed a ghost wouldn’t flip the switch.”
“Cut a bunch of jalapeños. Rubbed my eye. And then I saw Satan himself on this fine Sunday morning.”
“Parent rookie move: I smelled the finger.”
“It would be great if flight attendants would wipe the drool off your face while sleeping on a plane.”
“Me: Finally picked up birth control so we can GET. IT. ON!
Me: I thought you were outside.
This is her childhood memory now.”
“7 minutes and 34 seconds – first fight into summer.
I timed their asses.”
“Well, I never thought I’d call my daughter a raging-she-devil-bitch-from-the-depths-of-hormonal-hell but here we are.”
“How can I return to this gym after my husband forgot he had headphones in and shouts – “CHECK OUT THAT YOGA GUY GIVING HIMSELF A BLOWJOB.””
“Niece: Daddy, did you shut your pants?
Bro-in-law: Shut my pants?
Niece: You know, like, poop in them.
She just became my favorite niece.”
“Husband (in shower): you have like 8 bottles of shampoo and conditioner in here.
It’s like he doesn’t even want a hot wife with good hair.”
“Dryer’s broke. Time to hang every piece of underwear my family wore this week on a string in our backyard.”
“Me: I got you 4th of July tattoos! Do you want the tattoo on your face or hand?
7: Lower back. Middle.
“To put karma on my side, I will give every Twitter follower $1,000 if I win the Powerball. Cheer me on.”
“What?! A two-hour wait at Chipotle?! I liked them a lot better with no lines and a roll of the dice for a possible side of Ecoli.”
“You know school is near when your kids are grounded for attempted murder.
Can I get you anything, teachers? Water? Cocktail? Shoulder rub?”
“My 2nd grader has English homework: your, you’re, there, they’re, their, to, too, two.
Everything in life comes down to this one lesson.”
“6: Mommy, are you nippin’?
Me: Your dad is in so much trouble.”
“Taco Bell employee: Would you like sauce?
Me: Fire. I’m Mexican.
TB employee: (rambles Spanish)
Me: Oh, not that kind of Mexican.”
“My oldest just screamed at her little sister for wearing her clothes. The first-born in me is silently cheering her on.”
“My daughter, taking medicine: Ok, taking the shooter and the catcher!
Me: The chaser! The shooter and the chaser!
Parenting is hard.”
“Just walked out of Target, paying $3.15 like some kind of damn miracle worker.”
“It’s my kids’ last day of school. I sorta just want to get rip-roaring drunk on my last day of freedom.”
“If you’ve never listened to Top Gun Anthem while taking off in a plane, we can’t be friends.”
“Will you remind post-vacation-me that we’re out of toilet paper because pre-vacation-me says, “screw it. I’m on vacation.”
God, she’s such a bitch.”
Hwy Patrol: License and Registration. Hi girls!
6: Hi, nice cop!
*I damn near started fist pumping*
Hwy Patrol: You get a warning.
“Just an oil change. And don’t trick me into buying anything else or my husband will yell at me and I’ll have to come back here and cut you.”
“”This is bullshit.” – me, right now, waiting in the school pick-up line for my kids to call me the worst mother for not sending them to school with a coat.”
“Scott: The tattoo pain is real. 7 out of 10.
Me: Did you cry?
Scott: I’m a man.
Tattoo artist: We both cried.
This guy’s good. He’s good.”
“I’m getting ready to ride a bull. So I could use some prayers and support right now.”
“Scott: There’s glitter on your face. It looks like you put your head in a stripper’s lap.
1. It’s Halloween
2. Maybe she was consoling me.”
“”I’m not wearing a Chiefs shirt tomorrow. You’ve NEVER taken me to a game EVER.” – my 7 yo daughter.
I don’t know if I’m proud or angry.”
“Me: Go to bed!
Kids: Never! It’s summer!
“Getting my car serviced. I accidentally said the word “thingie.” So now there’s a mechanic in the back making it rain over my car.”
You guys, this was only a year’s worth.
A years worth of things I’ve said worth quoting.
Twitter, go to the Twitter.