Worth quoting.

Things I’ve said worth quoting.

How do I remember things I’ve said worth quoting? It’s not like I’m famous and things get written down or recorded when I speak. It’s not like I’m a stand-up comedian. It’s not like anyone cares what I have to say. It’s not like I haven’t repeated myself all day to the kids and husband to pick up your damn shoes.

Things I’ve said worth quoting. Impossible.

Oh wait! Yes I do, kids! Yes, I do!

I have 7 years of quotes. 92 months of one-liners. 2,800 days of sorta half-ass jokes.

Hello, Twitter.

Things I’ve said worth quoting. They have to be funny if I forget about them, rediscover them, and laugh? Right?

______

“10-year-old me: When am I ever going to use long division in real life?

34-year-old-me: (opening daughter’s backpack) Oh, you son of a bitch.”

______

“Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.

Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t even want a tip.”

______

“Hi, my child will be late to school because there’s a bump in her sock.”

______

“Husband: I need your credit card to buy something off Amazon.

Me: I have it memorized, ready?

Husband: WHAT?!

Me: What.”

______

“Just got carded for buying rubber cement.

Hey kids – in my day, we drank alcohol.”

______

“My throat hurts. This can’t happen.

If I get sick, the house collapses, and my family wanders the streets in search of shelter and food.”

______

“Dropped birth control pill. Dog ate it.

Have fun humping your stuffed animal.”

______

“Liquor store employee: Can I see your ID?

Me: YESSSSS

Liquor store employee: You didn’t sign the back of your card.

Me: Oh.”

______

“If I told my husband how much I paid for my shampoo, he would stop using my shampoo.

But then I would be admitting how much I paid for my shampoo.”

______

“”That looks absolutely miserable. It would suck to do that everyday.”

–my husband, watching me put on skinny jeans.”

______

“Does anyone else run on your tippy toes if you’re barefoot? Does anyone else say tippy toes?”

______

“Me: Siri, what was the Royals score last night?

Siri: The Royals got smashed by the Mariners 6 to nothing.

Me: You trash talking’, Siri?”

______

“10: Mom, a boy laughed at me at school for having hairy legs.

Me: He’s not worth shaving for.

10: Huh?

Me: Just remember that.”

______

“I put my hand down the garbage disposal, searching for the clog. And then I prayed a ghost wouldn’t flip the switch.”

______

“Cut a bunch of jalapeΓ±os. Rubbed my eye. And then I saw Satan himself on this fine Sunday morning.”

______

“Parent rookie move: I smelled the finger.”

______

“It would be great if flight attendants would wipe the drool off your face while sleeping on a plane.”

______

“Me: Finally picked up birth control so we can GET. IT. ON!

10: Mom?!

Me: I thought you were outside.

This is her childhood memory now.”

______

“7 minutes and 34 seconds – first fight into summer.

afterschool

I timed their asses.”

______

“Well, I never thought I’d call my daughter a raging-she-devil-bitch-from-the-depths-of-hormonal-hell but here we are.”

______

“How can I return to this gym after my husband forgot he had headphones in and shouts – “CHECK OUT THAT YOGA GUY GIVING HIMSELF A BLOWJOB.””

______

“Niece: Daddy, did you shut your pants?

Bro-in-law: Shut my pants?

Niece: You know, like, poop in them.

She just became my favorite niece.”

______

“Husband (in shower): you have like 8 bottles of shampoo and conditioner in here.

It’s like he doesn’t even want a hot wife with good hair.”

______

“Dryer’s broke. Time to hang every piece of underwear my family wore this week on a string in our backyard.”

______

“Me: I got you 4th of July tattoos! Do you want the tattoo on your face or hand?

7: Lower back. Middle.

Me: WHAT?!

7: What.”

______

“To put karma on my side, I will give every Twitter follower $1,000 if I win the Powerball. Cheer me on.”

______

“What?! A two-hour wait at Chipotle?! I liked them a lot better with no lines and a roll of the dice for a possible side of Ecoli.”

______

“You know school is near when your kids are grounded for attempted murder.
Can I get you anything, teachers? Water? Cocktail? Shoulder rub?”

______

“My 2nd grader has English homework: your, you’re, there, they’re, their, to, too, two.

Everything in life comes down to this one lesson.”

______

“6: Mommy, are you nippin’?

Me: Your dad is in so much trouble.”

______

“Taco Bell employee: Would you like sauce?

Me: Fire. I’m Mexican.

TB employee: (rambles Spanish)

Me: Oh, not that kind of Mexican.”

______

“My oldest just screamed at her little sister for wearing her clothes. The first-born in me is silently cheering her on.”

______

“My daughter, taking medicine: Ok, taking the shooter and the catcher!

Me: The chaser! The shooter and the chaser!

Parenting is hard.”

______

“Just walked out of Target, paying $3.15 like some kind of damn miracle worker.”

______

“It’s my kids’ last day of school. I sorta just want to get rip-roaring drunk on my last day of freedom.”

______

“If you’ve never listened to Top Gun Anthem while taking off in a plane, we can’t be friends.”

______

“Will you remind post-vacation-me that we’re out of toilet paper because pre-vacation-me says, “screw it. I’m on vacation.”

God, she’s such a bitch.”

______

Hwy Patrol: License and Registration. Hi girls!

9: Hi

6: Hi, nice cop!

*I damn near started fist pumping*

Hwy Patrol: You get a warning.

______

“Just an oil change. And don’t trick me into buying anything else or my husband will yell at me and I’ll have to come back here and cut you.”

______

“”This is bullshit.” – me, right now, waiting in the school pick-up line for my kids to call me the worst mother for not sending them to school with  a coat.”

______

“Scott: The tattoo pain is real. 7 out of 10.

Me: Did you cry?

Scott: I’m a man.

Tattoo artist: We both cried.

This guy’s good. He’s good.”

______

“I’m getting ready to ride a bull. So I could use some prayers and support right now.”

______

“Scott: There’s glitter on your face. It looks like you put your head in a stripper’s lap.

1. It’s Halloween
2. Maybe she was consoling me.”

______

“”I’m not wearing a Chiefs shirt tomorrow. You’ve NEVER taken me to a game EVER.” – my 7 yo daughter.

I don’t know if I’m proud or angry.”

______

“Me: Go to bed!

Kids: Never! It’s summer!

It’s hell.”

______

“Getting my car serviced. I accidentally said the word “thingie.” So now there’s a mechanic in the back making it rain over my car.”

______

You guys, this was only a year’s worth.

A years worth of things I’ve said worth quoting.

___________

Wait, don’t go! Find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram.

Twitter, go to the Twitter.

nanopoblano1

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