You know how I said if I write every day, you’ll see days when I’m not funny and mostly boring?
Today is one of those days.
I woke up. I submitted a magazine article to my editor. I went to Starbucks because I realized we’re out of coffee. And I’d rather chug hot tap water than drink the decaf coffee leftover from my pregnant sister-in-law’s visit last year.
I went to Sam’s Club. I went to Sam’s Club at 9:50 am and realized the “Enter” doors were not opening. A smart person would think they were probably not open for business. I’m not smart. I walked in the “Exit” door and said hello to an employee. By the time I was at the Christmas trees, I realized I was the only customer and they didn’t open until 10 am.
I pulled Emma out of school to get her braces wire fixed. I returned her to school. I joined Kate’s class during her book fair time slot. Kate chose a locked diary and an invisible ink pen. I told her she had to get at least one book. She chose a book, found her teacher, and then told her teacher she is donating it to the class.
I went home. I did laundry. I picked up the kids at school. Emma was in a state of urgency. She told me to park the car and take her back in the school for the book fair. She said she couldn’t wait until her class book fair time slot tomorrow. She didn’t want the books to sell out before she got there. I understood completely.
I brought the kids home and started dinner.
Then I realized you guys I got nothin’. I pulled out my in-case-of-emergency-post-idea: a Facebook game. Your spouse/partner must answer a set of questions about you without prompts.
And here we are. Only my kids eavesdrop and they want their opinion heard and somehow this became the roast of Julie Burton.
What’s something I always say?
Kate: GIRLS! Clean up this mess RIGHT. NOW.
Emma: Emma, pick up your socks or Stella will eat them and the sock will go through her intestines and I’ll end up picking up a piece of poop with a sock rolled in it.
What makes me happy?
Scott: When I’m home.
Kate: Cleaning the house. And me.
What makes me sad?
Scott: When I go out of town.
Me: Stop. You can’t say the opposite of what makes me happy.
Scott: No prompting! Fine. When one of your family members gets hurt or sick.
Kate: When we don’t clean up.
Emma: That makes her mad, not sad, Kate.
What’s my favorite thing to do?
Me: SCOTT. Stop it.
Scott: You said no prompting!
Emma: Sleep in.
What do I do when you’re not around?
Emma: How would I know, I’m not around.
If I become famous, what will it be for?
Scott: Writing a book.
Emma: Writing for a big magazine.
Kate: Ha! Famous.
What’s my favorite food?
Scott: You don’t really have…well, maybe gross chicken? All you eat is chicken. No, wait. Sushi. Fresh sushi. Fresh sushi from a fish you caught and prepared by a restaurant on the ocean.
What do I do that annoys you?
Scott: When you open your mouth.
Me: (mouth drop)
Emma: That’s mean, dad.
Scott: It’s a joke.
Emma: Mom, don’t write that down for the people to read. It’s a joke.
Me: Oh, I’m writing it down.
Scott: Oh, I know! How you go crazy over things being clean.
Me: I’m not like that!
Emma: No prompts!
Scott: Organized. You go crazy if things aren’t organized. That annoys me.
Oh, this is easy. What’s my favorite movie?
Me: Are you serious?
Scott: Father of the Bride?
Scott: The Notebook?
Me: Good one. But no. How do not know my favorite movie? It’s been my favorite movie ever since we met.
Emma: Dad, you don’t know mom’s favorite movie?
Me: Forrest Gump!
What do I do that makes you proud?
Scott: You’re a bad to the bone fisherman.
Kate: You take me to Ra for yummy sushi.
If I could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Scott: A European vacation.
Emma: Mummy, can we go to England?
Who is my celebrity crush?
Scott: Um…I don’t think you really have one? You’re not really like that.
Kate: Mommy likes boys with long hair.
Kate: What? You told us that!
Emma: Dad, she named her cat after him.
Emma: No, dad. Her own cat she got in college. She named her cat after her crush.
Emma: DAD! She named her cat Toni-with-an-i.
Scott: Tony Gonzalez?! Oh yeah. I was thinking about a movie star. But yeah, he’s a celebrity.
You get a phone call that I’m in trouble. Who am I with?
Scott: The police.
Me: I think that’s a given. Who am I in trouble with?
Scott: Emily Dill. My cousin’s wife. OUT OF CONTROL.
Emma: She’d be with me.
Kate: No, me.