Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7.
Kate: The remote is out of batteries.
Me: I’m pretty sure your dad used all the batteries for the trail cameras. Just go use your fingers.
Kate: How do I do that?
Me: Walk up to the TV and turn it on with the side button.
Kate: It can do that?
Scott: Oh, Kate. One day you won’t love me anymore.
Kate: Yeah. I’ll probably like you though.
Me: Kate, go feed the dogs!
Kate: You’ll have to pay me.
Me: No, this is your chore. Feed them.
I make dinner and we sit down to eat. Stella snuck pieces of bread from everyone’s plate.
Me: Kate, didn’t you feed the dogs?
Kate: I told you! You need to pay me!
Scott: (screams and throws an article of clothing out of the laundry room)
Me: WHAT?! What happened?
Scott: What is that. A baby bra?!
Emma: Can I get this game for my iPod?
Me: Let me see. Ugh. Emma, it’s like for kids.
Emma: Mom, I’m a kid.
Kate walked inside the house from playing outside.
Kate: (laughing) Mom!
Me: Yeah. Did you have fun at the park?
Kate: Emma saw a bunch of construction workers at a house and talked to them.
Me: WHAT? Girls! No. You know better. Don’t do that. Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know.
Kate: But it was all in Spanish!
Kate: Emma was like, “Hola, amigos!” and they said “Hola, amiga!” And then Emma said “Como estan?” and the construction workers said “asi, asi.” We talked until we couldn’t understand them anymore and we rode our bikes away.
Me: GIRLS! STOP LEAVING FOOD IN THE BASEMENT. DO YOU WANT MICE?! A STALE BROWNIE. HARD AS ROCK.
Kate: I’m not really a brownie person. But I know one girl that is.
Scott and I were watching the Presidential debate. Emma walked in the room.
Emma: Who’s that?
Me: That’s Bill Clinton. Hillary’s husband. He used to be President.
Emma: Bill Clinton did?
Me: Yep. Before you were born.
Emma: I thought Bill Clinton was her dad.
Me: Kate, do me a favor and go get me some wine. We’re out.
Kate: Ha! I can’t drive!
Me: Yeah, and you’re not 21 either. I was kidding.
Kate: Wait. You have to be 21 to buy wine?
Me: Yep. 21 years old to buy beer, wine or liquor.
Kate: But how do they know how old I am?
Me: It’s called getting carded. You’ll have to show them ID, like a drivers license with your birthday on it.
Kate: Can’t I just write my name with a permanent marker on your license?
Scott: Finally! You’re done with Game of Thrones! Isn’t it good? Doesn’t Arya Stark remind you of Emma? She’s a little badass.
Me: Ha! Yes! Arya is totally Emma. Do you think Kate is Sansa Stark then?
Scott: Kate is Cersei Lannister.
Scott’s parents watched the girls overnight. The next morning, they dropped Emma and Kate off at home.
Jeff (Scott’s dad): The girls told us something interesting last night.
Me: Oh great.
Jeff: Well, Nana made meatloaf for dinner last night. They said daddy used to call hot chicks “meatloafs.” And that mommy is definitely a meatloaf.
Me: SCOTT. A piece of meat, are you kidding me?! I’ve never heard you call me a meatloaf.
Scott: I never told them that!
Emma: Yeah, you did! You said you and your friends would have a code word and “meatloaf” was a hot chick.
Kate: Uh huh, dad. Mommy’s a meatloaf. (snaps)
Scott: Kate, why are you wearing a t-shirt and underwear? Get dressed.
Kate: Because mommy does.
Me: Oh, why are my babies both sick?
Kate: Probably because you keep asking if we want hot lunch.
Scott put the girls to bed while I was out on a girls night. I get a text message from Scott:
Scott: I’m putting Kate to bed and she asks for a bedtime noise from the sleep time app. You’ll never guess which noise she asked for.
Me: Which one? Ocean waves? Whales? Frogs?
Scott: No. Think Kate.
Me: The glass with ice cubes clinking?
Kate: (shouting from her room) I don’t love you, mom!
Me: Do you love me now?
Kate: At about 5%!
Me: Kate, when you die on your iPod game it’s time for bed.
20 minutes passed.
Me: Ok, it’s been 20 minutes. I know you died by now.
Kate: Still breathing.
Me: Ugh. Kids, this car is so dirty.
Emma: And why do you think that is? Because you decided to have Kate.
I slept through my alarm one morning. I woke up at 9 am. I woke up because I heard the girls fighting upstairs. I ran upstairs.
Me: GIRLS! You’re playing Nintendo?! Why didn’t you wake me up?! You have school. It started 30 minutes ago!
Emma: Oh, I didn’t know we had school.
Kate: We let you sleep in.
Emma: Where are you going tonight?
Me: To see a stand-up routine.
Emma: What’s stand-up?
Me: Stand-up comedy.
Me: When someone stands on a stage and they just tell jokes. Stand-up. You’ve never heard of stand-up comedy before?
Emma: People do that?
Kate: So, uh, can I ask you something?
Kate: (face turns bright red) So daddy was saying that Brett is coming to town? On, like, Tuesday or something?
Me: Yes, Brett will be here Tuesday.
Kate: I have four days to get ready then.
Emma: Did you know that the world is going to end on November 9, 2016?
Emma: Because both Presidents are evil and no matter which one wins, they will ruin the world.
Me: Who told you that?
Emma: Heard it at school.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Kid: Mom, you can’t vote for Hillary. She wants to sell guns to Mexico. You need to vote for Clinton because he wants to build a wall to keep the killer clowns out.
A mom and her teenage son were eating lunch after a doctor appointment. They were discussing his injury and what the doctors said. The son got quiet and looked thoughtful for a long stretch. She thought he must be thinking through everything related to his injury.
Son: Mom, I really want a pet chicken.
Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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