And this is why I don’t write every day.

“Here, I got a Bug Bytes for you.”

It was a small gathering around the fire pit in Suburbia.

Scott: So listen to this. We had to pick out the plumbing for our new house. So, uh, what – like a year, a year and a half ago? And we’re looking at toilets.

Me: Scott, stop it.

The crowd giggled.

Scott: So we’re looking at toilets. And I want a good toilet for my house. Like, a good one. I hate it when I’m sitting on a dink toilet that’s too small for me to just hang there.

Me: He went right for the huge toilets. Like boats.

Scott: I pick out two large toilets. One for the master bathroom and one for the bathroom off the kitchen. So we move in and get this.


Scott: After a few weeks of living in this house, I come home and see a huge sticky dump in the toilet. I always have to flush it and it never really goes down all the way.

Me: Scott, give me your beer and shut up.

Scott: Come to find out, it’s Julie! Her butthole isn’t placed right on her or something.

I chugged my wine. The crowd went silent in quiet laughter. Tears squirted from the corner of their eyes.

Me: Scott, you paid extra for the largest toilets they had available.

Scott: And I can take a dump fine. Goes right down. I can sit and relax without my balls being smooshed up on a tiny toilet.

Neighbor: Your balls get smooshed up on toilets?

Scott: Yes, you know all up against you.

Neighbor: How big are your balls?

Scott: I don’t know? Normal.

Me: Stop. This happens to Kate too. Her poop never goes down either. So all these dumps you see sitting there could be Kate too. I have to push her poop down with the toilet wand. Somehow you and Emma never do this.

Scott: Kate obviously got your butthole.

And this is why I don’t write every day. And this is why Scott’s beer got poured down the drain.


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