“Here, I got a Bug Bytes for you.”
It was a small gathering around the fire pit in Suburbia.
Scott: So listen to this. We had to pick out the plumbing for our new house. So, uh, what – like a year, a year and a half ago? And we’re looking at toilets.
Me: Scott, stop it.
The crowd giggled.
Scott: So we’re looking at toilets. And I want a good toilet for my house. Like, a good one. I hate it when I’m sitting on a dink toilet that’s too small for me to just hang there.
Me: He went right for the huge toilets. Like boats.
Scott: I pick out two large toilets. One for the master bathroom and one for the bathroom off the kitchen. So we move in and get this.
Scott: After a few weeks of living in this house, I come home and see a huge sticky dump in the toilet. I always have to flush it and it never really goes down all the way.
Me: Scott, give me your beer and shut up.
Scott: Come to find out, it’s Julie! Her butthole isn’t placed right on her or something.
I chugged my wine. The crowd went silent in quiet laughter. Tears squirted from the corner of their eyes.
Me: Scott, you paid extra for the largest toilets they had available.
Scott: And I can take a dump fine. Goes right down. I can sit and relax without my balls being smooshed up on a tiny toilet.
Neighbor: Your balls get smooshed up on toilets?
Scott: Yes, you know all up against you.
Neighbor: How big are your balls?
Scott: I don’t know? Normal.
Me: Stop. This happens to Kate too. Her poop never goes down either. So all these dumps you see sitting there could be Kate too. I have to push her poop down with the toilet wand. Somehow you and Emma never do this.
Scott: Kate obviously got your butthole.
And this is why I don’t write every day. And this is why Scott’s beer got poured down the drain.