Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7.
The girls had some friends over. They were collecting rolly pollies in a bowl in our backyard.
Kate: This one is totally a boy. Look at that little thing dragging.
Me: Girls! Good song! Jack and Diane. Do you know who sings this song?
Me: John Mellencamp. But his name used to be John Cougar.
Emma: What? People can change their name?
Me: Yes, but I’m not sure if it was a real name change or if it’s a stage name because he’s a singer. But yes, you can change your name if you want. It’s probably a pain.
Emma: So I can change my name?
Me: I’m sure when you’re 18 or something, if you wanted to change your legal name, you can.
Emma: So I can change it to Kate PicksHerNose Burton?
I dropped the girls off at school in the morning.
Me: Emma, don’t forget I’m pulling you out of school early for your orthodontist appointment.
Me: Knock it off, Kate. She has a doctor’s appointment.
Kate: (Slams door. Stomps on sidewalk. Turns around and glares at me as I drive away, sticks tongue out at me)
Me: Kate, do you want to hold William? (The girls’ newest baby cousin)
Kate: I already held him once, a long time ago.
Me: Kate, your bruise on your eye looks like it hurts.
Kate: Nah, only when I blink.
I painted the girls’ toenails.
Me: Kate, you have your daddy’s toes.
Me: Oh, Emma. I think your sports bra shrunk?
Kate: I’ll take it!
Me: You don’t need a sports bra.
Emma: MOM! Kate is raising her eyebrows at herself in the mirror and she’s only wearing a sports bra!
In the car.
Me: Girls, daddy said to meet us out for dinner. Where do you want to go?
Emma: Not anywhere with food. My stomach hurts.
Kate: So when we going to Costa Rica?
Scott: What? Who told you anything about Costa Rica?
Kate: No one. Just sounds fun. Can we go?
In the car.
Me: UGH! Girls! Rule number one when you drive: don’t be a slow driver. People will yell at you TO HURRY UP! FASTER, CAR! This is so dangerous. They are so dangerous, girls. WHO DRIVES 50 MILES PER HOUR ON A HIGHWAY!
Kate: Are you telling us you want us to drive with a lead foot?
Me: Kate, will you feed the dogs?
Kate: Emma needs to learn how to be responsible.
Kate: Mom, I accidentally brought my iPod to school.
Me: Uh oh. Did you keep it in your backpack?
Kate: Yeah, I just kept it in there since we’re not allowed to have them.
Me: Oh, ok. Good.
Kate: But then we were taking a test and it was all quiet and my Crossy Road game beeped at me to start playing Crossy Road. And I was like, “uh, hope no one heard my Crossy Road in my backpack.”
The girls baked Scott a cookie cake before he arrived home from Colorado.
Emma: I’ll put on frosting.
Kate: And then we’ll save it for Sunday, when gets back. We can eat it after Daddy see it.
Emma: Well, Kate. Maybe we can take a picture of it and start eating it tonight.
Kate: And maybe save him one slice? Yeah, let’s do that. Take a picture, Mom.
It was the weekend Scott was in Colorado. I was watching a movie in my bedroom on a Friday night. The girls asked if they could hang out with friends on our front patio with the lights on. I told them it was ok with me. I heard Kate rummaging around the kitchen. The front door opened.
Kate: COCKTAILS! (slams door)
I ran out to the front patio. Kate has a tray of drinks.
Kate: Crushed or cubed?
Me: What are doing?
Kate: Handing out waters.
Emma: Mom, can Kate and I ride our bikes to the pond?
Me: I guess. But watch for cars. Stop every time you cross the road and look both ways. Ok?
Emma: Got it.
The girls come home after about 45 minutes.
Me: Did you have fun? Wait, Kate where are your shoes?
Kate: Ha! Well, that’s funny. I didn’t even notice they were gone. I guess I forgot my shoes at the pond.
Scott: Did you put on makeup?
Me: It actually looks really good. Did one of your friends do it?
Kate: I did it.
Me: Really? It’s sorta amazing.
Kate: I’ve spent years watching you, Mom.
Kate: These raspberries need something. Hmmmm, lime zest. Yes.
Me: Lime zest? Who uses lime zest?
Emma: Mom, she watches Food Network now. She thinks she’s on a show.
Kate: When I get a car, I’m getting a Jeep.
Me: I can totally see you in a freaking Jeep.
Emma: What about me, mom?
Me: Cute, little two-door sportscar. That’s what I drove in college.
Emma: That sounds way warmer in the winter than a Jeep.
Me: You can put the cover back on a Jeep. It’s not open all the time.
Kate: Or just keep cover off, keep doors off and me wearing a winter coat when I drive.
Scott: Uh, Kate just saw me in my underwear.
Scott: And she said “really, dad? Poking out? My friends are here.”
Me: Was it poking out?
Scott: No! Just normal, protruding I guess.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
My niece, Gabby (4), was at my house.
Gabby: Why does Emma have braces?
Me: To straighten her teeth.
Gabby: Oh, were they curly?
Our friend, Hunter, came over to help Scott plant a tree. He brought his daughter, Mikaela (3).
Mikaela: What’s your name?
Me: You know my name! Julie.
Mikaela: I don’t think I like that name.
Me: Me either.
Mikaela: What’s Scott’s name?
Mikaela: What are you doing, Julie?
Me: Talking to your dad and Scott out my window. See them?
Mikaela: I don’t really care what my dad says.
Mikaela: What are you going?
Me: Now I’m doing laundry.
Mikaela: My dad never does this.
Kid, 4: Does “playground” start with “ice cream”?
The family dog was pooping in the backyard.
Kid, 6: I sure hope a mole doesn’t go up his butthole.
Kid, 6: Hey mom! Did you know Abraham Lincoln would have lived longer if he hadn’t gotten shot in the head?
Kid, 20 months: (grabs his mom’s boob) Ooo! Ball!
Kid, 4: If mom and dad die, will Mamaw and Papaw take care of us?
Kid, 5: Uh, no. Thor and Elsa will.
Kid, 4: (smacks little brother on the arm)
Dad: Why did you do that?
Kid, 4: Satan made me do it.
Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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