Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7.
Me: Girls! I got an email from your new teachers with the class list!
Emma: Let me see that! YES! I got the teacher that lets us chew gum!
Kate: Ugh. The boy who has a crush on me is in my class again.
Emma: Look at that sunbeam! Pretty!
Kate: Can you imagine if that were over our house? I’d be like “woo-hoo! Disco par-taaaay”
Kate: Will you help me pull on my swimsuit?
Kate: I can’t be showing my little boobies with my little nipples. They’re so tiny! Ugh.
Kate: I haven’t coughed in a long time.
Me: Do you girls want hot lunch tomorrow? It’s walking tacos.
Emma: What’s that?
Me: You know, a Fritos bag with taco meat, lettuce, cheese….
Kate: Don’t you know by now that I hate cheese? COLD LUNCH.
Me: Scott, will you make their cold lunches? I’m already sick of it.
Scott: Tell them they need to eat hot lunch then. You’re the parent.
Me: Oh, ok. You tell them that, parent.
Scott: GIRLS! COME DOWN HERE!
Emma and Kate: Yeah, dad?
Scott: You’re having hot lunch tomorrow.
Emma: DAD, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TERRIBLE IT IS! NO, DAD, NO! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US! I’LL STARVE DAD!
Kate: (rolling on the floor, pulling her hair) I HATE HOT LUNCH! I’M THE LAST ONE TO EAT AND I’LL STARVE TO DEATH. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, DADDY!
Scott: Fine, I’ll make you cold lunch.
Nana: Grandma couldn’t come out to eat with us because her legs hurt her today.
Kate: She must be growing.
Kate is struggling in math. She failed her timed addition/subtraction test twice.
Me: Kate, I know you don’t have homework but we need to practice math flashcards.
Kate: Why? I don’t have a test tomorrow.
Scott, the kids, and I were playing a family board game. One person holds up a card with a word on their forehead. The family acts out the word while the person tries to guess what the word is. Scott held up “popping champagne.”
Me: Oh! Ok. (I act like I’m holding a champagne bottle cork and I make an exploding sound and point to the cork flying)
Scott: I don’t know? A bomb? What are you doing?
Emma: I got it. (Squats on the floor, makes a fart noise with her mouth. Then she makes a “Oo-Oo-Ah-Ah” monkey noise)
Scott: Times up. What are you guys doing?
Emma: Pooping chimpanzee!
Me: EMMA! It’s popping champagne, not pooping chimpanzee!!
Emma: Kate! What are you wearing? You’re wearing mom’s big emerald earrings to your yearbook picture? Those are WAY too big.
Kate: Gotta deal with it, Emma.
I brought the girls home from school. Kate had to wear purple and Emma had to wear orange for a school picture.
Me: Emma, why did you change your shirt so fast?
Emma: I don’t like wearing an orange shirt with blue shorts. I feel like people think I’m a Broncos fan.
Kate: Mom, would you rather eat the worst food in the world or tell me all the answers to my math test?
Emma: Can we go to Dairy Queen?
Scott: Why Dairy Queen when Sweet Caroline’s has better ice cream?
Emma: Two reasons. One, Kate hates Dairy Queen. Two, I love Dairy Queen.
The girls were getting ready to go to the movies with their Nana and Papa.
Me: Do you want a light jacket?
Kate: Huh? Why?
Me: Sometimes it gets cold in movie theaters.
Kate: Oh. Nah. I’ll just sit on Nana’s lap. She’s always warm.
Later that evening,
Scott: Did you guys like the movie?
Nana: Yeah, I liked it.
Emma: I liked it too.
Papa: It was a good movie!
Kate: Ha! Papa. I forgot you went with us.
Kate: When is Penny’s birthday? (Penny is Kate’s rescue cat)
Me: Um, I think they guessed November of 2013.
Kate: I say November 4th.
Me: What about November 1st?
Kate: November 4th is her golden birthday this year and she’ll get double the presents.
Me: Oh, I didn’t know we’re supposed to get her presents.
Kate: She would like cat nip and cat toys.
Kate: 11 more years until I get my tattoo! YAY!
Text message to Emma: Hey Emma, you two need to brush your teeth and floss. No snacks but you can have water. Dad will be here at 9:30 to kiss you goodnight.
Text message from Emma: Ok, I texted Kate. I said hurry up and brush your teeth butthead. No snacks but you can have water. Move your butt off the couch and do as ME and MOM said!! Go! Guess what she texted back with?
Emma: Who cares. (smiley face)
Emma: I know right, such a butthead.
I took Kate out for sushi while Emma hunted with Scott.
Me: You want to just eat at the bar?
Kate: Sure. I love sitting at the bar. So much quicker.
Bartender: Can you get you ladies something to drink?
Me: I think I’ll have…
Kate: Shirley Temple. Extra cherry sauce.
Kate: Can we get sushi?
Me: No, we had sushi last night.
Me: No. How are you still hungry. We just ate.
Kate: (walks outside. Ten minutes later, she pokes her head in the door) I called Nana! Nana is taking me to get sushi! Waiting outside! Bye, mom!
We were at our neighbors’ house, hanging out around the fire pit. I walked inside the house to check on the girls.
Me: You guys ok down here? Kate you look tired.
Kate: (bloodshot eyes) Mom, I think I drank the wrong Sprite. I think I had adult Sprite.
Me: WHAT. KATE. I’m going to get you some water and you are ONLY to drink this water. Do not pick up anyone’s drink.
(I walk outside and tell Scott what happened)
The next morning.
Scott: I heard you drank adult Sprite last night. Did you like it?
Kate: (shrugs shoulders) It wasn’t bad.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Kid: Mom, can you please throw my baby sister away?
Son: Mom, how do you know everyone in town?
Mom: What do you mean?
Son: When we’re driving you talk to people like Mr. Asshole in the truck and Miss Cadillac in her fancy car.
A Budweiser commercial appeared on TV.
Son: Butt-weiser? Hey mom!
Son: I know why I scratch my butt a lot. Because a mosquito bit my butt.
A mom tucked her 5-year-old daughter into bed. She sang Big Bang Theory’s “soft kitty” and kissed her daughter on the face. Her daughter reached up and squeezed her boob.
Mom: (laughing) What are you doing?
Daughter: What is that big black thing? (The mom was wearing a black shirt and the lights were dim, making a shadow on her boobs)
Mom: It’s my boob. (she leaned toward the light to show her)
Daughter: Why are they so fat?
Mom: (laughing) When you get older, they get bigger.
The next day…
Daughter (to her mom’s male cousin): Did you know my mom’s boobs are really fat?
Grandma (to 10-year-old granddaughter): Can you hold my hand to cross the street or is that not cool?
Granddaughter: It’s ok. I don’t know anybody in this town.
2-year-old: Pentagon, pentagon.
Mom: Do you see a pentagon? Do you know how many sides a pentagon has?
2-year-old: Two eyes.
Daughter: Did you know that when babies are born, they have a long cord thingy sticking out of their belly button?
Mom: Yes, they do.
Daughter: That’s how the baby eats. Did you know that?
Me: Yes, do you know what that long cord thingy is called?
Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: email@example.com
Or friend me on Facebook and I’ll pull quotes from statuses. You and your child’s name will be kept anonymous.