Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7. 

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Kate: Daddy, why do you make mommy pay for everything?

Scott: What?

Kate: Every time we go out to eat, she always pays with her credit card. I think you need to pay sometimes too.

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Kate: Look at that! Take a picture of that! That sign says wine.

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On our family vacation, Emma fainted due to dehydration. Scott and Kate were granted permission to join Emma and me in the hospital room.

Kate: UGH! I had to pee three times in the waiting room because daddy keeps making me chug water like I’m Emma or something.

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Emma: The back of this menu says, “All the sand between your toes take out all the troubles and the woes.”

Kate: HA! Unless you faint before you get to the sand.

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Kate changed into her swimsuit in front of me. She dropped her pants and underwear to her feet.

Kate: Don’t you be putting my business on Facebook.

Me: I would never put that on Facebook, Kate.

Kate: Or Instagram.

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I took the girls shopping in Florida.

Me: Look at these necklaces, girls. So cute.

Kate: HA! Emma – look. That necklace says, “Shell yeah.” You know – like hell yeah.

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Me: Girls! Wave at the people on the boat! They’re waving!

Kate: I don’t wave to people I don’t know.

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Kate: I can’t wait to leave Florida! NOT!

Scott: Not? Where did you learn that?

Kate: I made it up.

Me: No, you didn’t.

Kate: NOT!

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We were swimming at our friend’s house in Florida.

Rob: What time do you girls go to bed?

Kate: 9!

Emma: No, Kate. We go to bed way after 9. Why would you say that, Kate?

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Emma: Will you download Music.ly on my iPod?

Me: Well, only if you are friends with people you know in real life. Do your friends have this back in Kansas? I’ve never heard of it.

Emma: They do. I actually knew about Music.ly but I didn’t think you’d understand.

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Me: Emma? Kate? Where are you ?

Emma: We’re in Kylee’s room!

Me: Oh. Hey what are you guys doing in here?

Kylee: I’m trying to figure out a name for my fart since Kate’s is Bob.

Me: What.

Kate: Say hi to Bob. (farts)

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Emma and Kate were done with art camp. They received free t-shirts on the last day.

Me: Oh, these shirts are cute! Everyone signed it on the back! Aw!

(I turn the shirt around and see Emma’s signature on Kate’s shirt – “You are a butthead. Love, Emma.”

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Kate had some friends over. I overheard them talking.

Friend 1: My mom doesn’t fart.

Friend 2: My mom doesn’t either!

Kate: Well, MY MOM FARTS. All the time.

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IMG_3345

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Emma: Will you make us pancakes?

Me: What about waffles?

Emma: Nah.

Me: Doesn’t a big, fat Belgian waffle sound good? Buttery…syrup in holes.

Emma: Fine. Pancakes today and waffles tomorrow.

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I drove Kate to gymnastics. She had a stuffy nose.

Me: OH MY GOSH. KATE. THAT SMELLS SO BAD.

Kate: Now I’m mad because I can’t smell my own farts.

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Kate walked in the room.

Me: Why do you look guilty?

Kate: Uh, don’t know what that means. (walks out of the room)

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Kate: Cool means “I don’t care” in my language. Tell me something.

Me: I love you, Kate.

Kate: Cool.

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Emma and Kate were talking about something in the car.

Kate: FREAK YEAH, EMMA!

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Kate: I don’t know why but I love staring at things.

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emmatext

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Emma: Something is at our front door. What’s this?

Me: Oh. A phone book. Throw it in recycling.

Emma: What’s a phone book?

Me: It’s a book with everyone’s landline phone numbers. We have the internet now so no one uses phone books anymore. I don’t even know why they still print them. What a waste of paper and ink.

Emma: So it’s like an antique or something? (Open phone book and starts reading it.)

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I opened my eyes to Kate staring at me in bed.

Me: What are you doing?

Kate: I’m not getting out of your stinky breath until you ask Nana if we can come over.

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Me: Hey, Emma. Do you want the rest of this donut?

Emma: No.

Me: Really?

Emma: Well maybe. Just put it in front of me and I’ll think about it.

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Special Edition: Oh kids.

I was at my friend’s house with the kids.

Christine: STOP SLAMMING THE DOORS! (runs upstairs, then comes back down)

Me: Is it Emma and Kate?

Christine: No. It’s just chaos.

Kid (listening on the couch): Chaos? Oh, I love chaos! (runs upstairs)

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Mom: Look at that guy mowing the lawn, kids! He’s mowing perfectly straight lines.

Kids: Wow. Those are perfect.

Mom: Can you smell that fresh grass smell?

Kid: Nope, that’s just my fart.

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Kid: SHUT UP!

Mom: Did you just say ‘shut up?’

Kid: No. My barbie did.

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Kid: Siri, please make the TV work. Siri, PLEASE MAKE THE TV WORK.

Mom: She can’t make the TV work, she is just a computer voice.

Kid: Oh ok, got it. Siri, can you please make Netflix work on the computer?

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Kid: Mom, someday when you get a lot of money, you could buy a cookie dough shop. If you do, I might buy some from you because I like cookie dough.

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Kid, 5: Mom, does your baby inside you have a uterus yet?

Mom: Um, yes. Wait, how do you even know about uteruses?

Kid, 3: Yay mom! Give me a high five!

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Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

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