Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 10 and Kate is 7.
I rented the movie Twister. There is a scene when the tornado picks up a cow and the cow “moos” in the air.
Kate: NO! THE COW! I don’t like this movie!
Me: It’s all acting and computers. It’s not real, Kate.
Emma: Kate, just pretend it’s a steak flying through the air.
Waiter: What would you ladies like to drink this evening?
Kate: Shirley Temple.
Me: I’ll have a chardonnay.
Kate: Ha! Wino.
Kate: Remember when I broke my leg?
Kate: I was a baby, how do you remember that?
Me: Emma, I’m just going to drop you off at the door of your gymnastics since you’re late. Get out and go!
Emma: Hold on.
Me: No. GO! Now! We’re holding up a line now. Are you picking a scab?
Emma: Yeah, hold on.
Me: You are so gross. You are just like your dad. Hurry! Just go! And don’t flick the…
Emma: (flicked scab, opened door, and then left)
In the car, after school.
Kate: A girl gave the middle finger to two people today.
Emma: She did? Did she get in trouble?
Me: STOP. How do you know what the middle finger is?
Kate: People told me.
Me: What do you think it means?
Kate: A bunch of bad words put together.
Kate: A KU player talked to our class in school.
Me: What’d you say?
Me: What’d you do?
Kate: (sighs) I gave him a thumbs down in the audience. We don’t like KU, right mom?
Emma: Is the eye doctor going to dilate my eyes?
Me: I’m not sure. They did last time so maybe they won’t this time.
Kate: What does dilate mean?
Me: There’s a medicine, like eye drops, that doctors put in your eye to keep the pupil open when a light shines in. It’s so the doctor can see the back of the eye.
Emma: Ew, so you can see the back of my eye when they dilate them?
Me: Well, people can’t see just looking at your eye but I’m sure we could see using the correct instruments.
Kate: Like a piano?
Kate and I waited for Emma in the waiting room at the eye doctor. The magazine I write for was next to us. I opened to one of the articles I wrote.
Kate: What? Oh. By. Julie. Burton. Mommy, that’s you!
Me: Yeah, this is the magazine I write for.
Kate: WHAT?! Your name is in here!
Me: Yes, I write for them. I wrote this article.
Kate: YOU’RE FAMOUS!
Me: No, not famous. Just the writer. Writers get their name printed. It doesn’t mean they’re famous.
Kate: MY MOMMY IS FAMOUS!
Me: Shhhhh. People are looking. Stop it. Not famous. No one knows who I am.
(People stare at us)
Kate: (continued to flip through magazine) HERE IT IS AGAIN! BY JULIE BURTON. FAMOUS! TOLD YOU!
Me: Did you not realize after two years that I write for a magazine?
Kate: No, I didn’t know you write for a magazine. I didn’t know you’re famous. Can I take these home?
Emma: Mom, can I have a sucker?
Me: (I grabbed a tissue with the sucker and made a “ghost” out of it) BOO!
Emma: (giggled and took the sucker)
Kate: Mom, look.
I looked at her. She held two tissue covered suckers at her chest, one in each hand.
We built a bonfire with friends on Scott’s farm. Kate sat on my lap.
Kate: I have to go to the bathroom.
Me: Well, hold it. I’ve already squatted with you once.
Kate: Ok, I’ll hold my pee until it’s completely overflowing.
Emma: So the vet said Penny weighs 9 pounds. How much does Belle weigh?
Me: Hm, I forgot. Go weigh yourself then weigh yourself again while you hold Belle.
Emma: Nah, I don’t need to know that bad. I don’t want to do the math.
Me: Hey Scott, do you like my new bikini for vacation?
Scott: Yeah! Turn around. Yeah, that’s cute.
(I walked away)
Kate: DADDY JUST SAID YOUR BOOBS LOOK SMALL!
Kate: How do you spell “head”?
Kate: Check your phone.
Kate was emptying her backpack on the last day of school.
Me: Oh wait! Did you guys make Father’s Day gifts in school?
Kate: Yeah! I’ll go hide it.
Me: Oh, I love it when teachers do that! Father’s Day is overlooked.
Emma: Let me see it first, Kate. Hey mom, can we edit her spelling and sentence structure? This is all wrong.
Me: Ok, daddy said he would bring us back dessert from the restaurant he’s at with his co-workers. What about sopapillas? It’s served with ice cream and coffee.
Kate: I’ll just take the coffee. You guys can have the rest.
Kate: Gotta deal with it. Just gotta. (snaps)
We took the girls out to a restaurant. Scott mentioned to me that Trent Green (former KC Chiefs quarterback) was at the table behind Kate and me. I went to the bathroom and came back.
Me: Did you hear daddy say who is sitting behind us?
Kate: No, who?
Me: Trent Green. He used to play for the Chiefs. Quarterback. I think he was quarterback when Aunt Jessica was a cheerleader for them.
Kate: Oh. But does he know who we are?
Kate made a “mom coupon” book for Mother’s Day.
Me: Hey, Kate will you help me put the dishes away?
After Kate was in bed, I found my coupon book in the kitchen drawer with “help with dishes” ripped out and crumpled next to it. The next night…
Me: Hey, I forgot to ask you. Did you rip out one of my mom coupons last night?
Kate: Yes. You used it.
Me: (laughed) Fine. Go put your PJs on, please.
Kate: No! Good thing you don’t have a coupon for that one! Ba BAM! (snaps)
Emma: It looks like the new neighbors moved in.
Kate: I saw them. They’re boys. Our age.
Me: I heard there were boys moving in. We should go say hi.
Kate: Boys on bikes with no shirts on. No shirt on at all. Just riding their bikes up and down the street with no shirts on.
Kate: You know that metal in a pencil?
Kate: Can you go on an airplane with that? I don’t want them to beep me.
Me: (laughed) Yes, you can go on with a pencil.
Emma: It’s like hard metal, Kate.
Kate: Like a sword?
Emma: More like a gun.
I took the girls to Scott’s work. We were talking to our friend, Brittany, also one of Scott’s employees.
Brittany: Your dad is one of the smartest men I know. This stuff is so hard to learn.
Kate: Oh. Well, who’s your principal here? Maybe you can ask him?
Emma: Can we use my telescope tonight to look at stars?
Me: Uhhhh, it looks like it’s too cloudy right now.
Emma: What about the front yard?
Me: Girls, go pick up the Slip N Slide from the backyard. It will ruin the grass.
The girls pulled the Slip N Slide to the patio.
Kate: MOM! Look! There’s a worm! Ha! He’s doing the worm down the Slip N Slide.
In the car.
Emma: So you have to be in the right lane to turn right? And the left lane to turn left? Is that how it goes?
Special Edition: Oh Neighborhood Kids.
It’s summer. My front door is a turnstile of kids. I hear everything.
Kid: Miss Julie, do you mind if I pour my limeade back in your pitcher?
Me: What? Why?
Kid: It’s kinda gross and it taste like a lemon cookie or something. You don’t mind if I pour it back?
Kid: Hey, can you text my mom something?
Me: Sure, what do you need?
Kid: Will you text her and ask if you can take us to the pool?
Me: Oh. I didn’t know I was going to the pool?
Kid: Well, I want you to ask my mom if you can go because I know they won’t take me.
Kid: Those things are so loud. I touched the button once.
Me: Oh. The carbon monoxide button? It’s a tester button. But yeah, they’re loud because they have to be able to wake you if you’re sleeping and carbon monoxide is in your house.
Kid: And my dog will protect me.
I lit a candle with a lighter.
Kid: Those make fire and it’s very dangerous.
Me: That’s true. That’s why I’m the only one lighting the candle.
Kid: Can we go light it in your car? I’ve always wanted to do that.
Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!
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