Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 9 and Kate is 7.
Me: Scott. Teenage son. Do you know what soap scum is? It’s when you leave soap in the tub and it NEVER COMES OFF. Rinse the bubbles down when you’re done. Please.
Kate: Don’t be such a Mexican, mommy!
Kate: Daddy told me to say that.
I interviewed Eric Stonestreet for Simply KC magazine (June’s issue). I wrapped my thank you gift for him in my closet.
Kate: What are you doing?
Me: I’m sending Eric Stonestreet a few things, thanking him for doing the interview with me.
Kate: Uhhhh, is he going to pay you back for all of this?
Kate: Imagine if humans were dogs.
Me: (look at her)
Kate was sick with a fever for a week. I brought her to the doctor.
Nurse: We’re going to check your throat for strep throat.
Kate: I don’t like that.
Me: Kate, it’s just a tickle.
Kate: No, I hate it.
Me: (to nurse) The last time we did this, it took two people to hold her down. I’m not sure if she’ll let you.
Nurse: Ok, I’ll just chat with Kate for a little bit first. Kate, what hurts the most on your body?
Kate: Opening my mouth wide and sticking my tongue out.
Me: Oh no, this is Prince singing. He died yesterday.
Emma: Who’s the girl singing with him?
Me: There’s no girl.
Emma: So Prince is a girl?
Me: No, he’s a boy. He can sing high-pitched.
Emma: And you like this music?
I took the girls to a KC Royals game while Scott was out of town. We left our seats to go see the World Series trophy on display.
After we were done, we walked through crowds of people in the aisle. I stopped.
Me: Emma, where’s Kate?
Emma: I dunno. She was just next to me.
Me: (panicking) WHERE’S KATE.
Emma and I start working our way back.
Me: Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
Me: What? Where is she?
Emma points to Kate standing in the middle of an aisle, causing people to walk around her.
Kate: (ignoring me. Laughing and pointing at something in distance)
Me: KATE! COME HERE.
Kate: (laughing, pointing and clapping)
I finally reach Kate and look to see what Kate was laughing at – The Kiss Cam video on the big screen.
Me: KATE, LET’S GO. DO NOT LEAVE ME.
Kate: HA! Everyone is kissing. So much kissing.
Emma: What does Nana do all day?
Kate: Yeah! What does Nana do all day? She’s done working.
Scott: I don’t know. You should ask her.
Kate: Dad, you have like a million more days left of working.
Kate: Pretty much boys are older than girls.
I was driving with the girls.
Kate: Ha! Beer and wine store.
I took Kate out to lunch when she was sick from school. We sat at the bar.
Kate: I’m the only person in this family that likes creme brûlée.
Me: No, I do. Daddy does. I’m not sure if Emma does, probably. I think most people….
Kate: Mom! You’re not listening to me! I moved on to the next topic.
I called a waiter over because the bartender serving Kate and me took a break. The waiter came up behind us and touched my shoulder.
Me: Hi, could we get some more strawberries on her creme brûlée?
Waiter: No, I’m sorry. I can’t do that (smiles). I’ll be right back.
Kate: What did he say to you?
Me: He’s getting you strawberries.
Kate: I mean, did he touch your shoulder?
Me: Oh, I went fishing with this guy on the radio. Tyler Farr.
Emma: Was he a good fisherman?
Me: I think he got one or two sailfish. They’re hard to fight.
Emma: What do you mean hard to fight?
Me: Well, the fish weigh more than you and they try to pull away, which pulls on your rod. So you have to fight with the reel. Reel, reel, reel!!
Emma: Ugh. I’d rather fight with Kate.
Kate: I wish I could see one way with one eye and another way with the other eye.
Me: Like a bird?
Kate: More like a puffer fish.
Emma was at the dinner table by herself for a long time.
Me: Emma, what are you doing?
Emma: Shhh. Thinking. Writing my first novel.
Me: Here’s your chore: You will pick up the dog poop in the backyard. Put it in a sack and then…
Kate: Put it in Emma’s face.
We took a vote on where to eat for dinner.
Scott: Why can’t we all agree on one place?
Me: It’s Emma and Kate not agreeing.
Scott: Why are you so different from each other?
Emma: Because we don’t like each other.
Kate: The quiet ones smell the best.
Kate: A boy has a crush on me in school.
Me: Is it that boy that always wants to sit with us when I go to lunch with you?
Kate: And him.
Kate: So if you live in a bright blue house that means you’re a crazy person, right?
I took the girls to the mall to spend their allowance money. They both paid for their own lotions at Bath and Body Works. We went to Claire’s next. The girls picked out what they wanted and brought it to the register.
Claire’s employee: That will be $14.56
Emma: (looks at me)
Me: Get your cash out.
Emma: I just want to use my money at one store. You can pay with your card now.
Kate: Pssh. Yeah. Pay for mine too. I don’t like giving them money. That’s not fun.
Kate: I got a present for you.
Me: You do? What?!
Kate: (hands me a Target sack)
Me: Aw, what’s this? (I opened it up and there was dog poop inside)
Kate: TURDS! (walks off laughing)
Kate: Will you bring me creme brûlée for lunch tomorrow at school?
Me: Emma, will you unload the dishwasher for me?
Me: Uh, yes.
Emma: You need to pay me.
Me: No, I’m your mom and told you to do something.
Emma: This sounds like a chore to me.
Kate had a paper cut on her finger.
Me: Here, I’ll get a band-aid for you.
Kate: I wish it was gushing blood everywhere.
Kate: 14 days of school left! Ba bam!
Me: 14 more cold lunches I have to make! Ba Bam!
Kate: And then you’ll take me out to eat for someone to serve us every day! Ba Bam!
Me: You know, your kid will ask you to make cold lunches every school night and you’ll realize how much you hate making cold lunches and you’ll feel bad for me. And your kid’s grandma (pointed to myself) will laugh and laugh.
Kate: I’ll just tell my kid Grandma is coming over to make them.
Emma: What’s today’s date?
Me: April 29th.
Emma: It’s already April?
It was Kate’s birthday. We took her out to dinner at a restaurant.
Me: Scott, can you believe in 10 years, she’ll be 17? And Emma will be 20! Ah! So Emma will be at K-State and Kate will still be in high school, living with us. I can’t imagine just living with a 17-year-old Kate.
Kate: Emma might go to KU.
Me: What’d you say?
Scott: You shut your mouth. Your cat will be dead.
Kate: You’ll just get me another cat for my 17th birthday.
Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.