Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 9 and Kate is 6.
I overheard Kate talking to her iPod.
Kate: Siri, will you text Mommy Burton?
Siri: What would you like to say to Mommy Burton?
Kate: I want to say I don’t understand life.
Me: Where’s my phone charger?
Kate: (yelling from upstairs) It’s on the wall!
Me: Which wall?
Kate: By the Christmas tree!
Me: It’s March! (I look where our Christmas tree was and my phone charger is there)
Scott: Should I shave my beard?
Kate: No. I use it to scratch myself when I have an itch.
Me: Ok, let’s get rid of some of these DVDs you don’t watch. Elmo, Little Einsteins, Little Bear…
Kate: Keep Little Bear.
Me: You don’t watch Little Bear.
Kate: My stuffed animals do at night.
Emma, Kate and I were watching Princess Diaries.
Kate: She shouldn’t kiss that boy.
Me: Why? I think she has a crush on him.
Kate: That boy kisses too many girls. She shouldn’t have a crush on him.
Me: GIRLS! What happens when you leave all the lights on in the house?
Emma: It runs out and you have to buy more.
Kate: (as she’s eating) Well, I guess you can put on Pitbull’s Fireball if you want.
For some reason the girls wanted silly string. I agreed to buy them some because it was spring break and I was going insane. We walk into Party City.
Employee: Are you looking for something?
Me: Silly string?
Employee: In the back aisle. You’ll see them lined up by colors. I’ll show you.
The four of us stand and look at the color choices.
Kate: Which one is comin’ home to mama?
Employee: What are you ladies celebrating?
Emma: Stop it, Kate.
I was parked in a parking lot with Kate. I was adding things to my grocery store list before we got out of car. The windows were cracked. Kate starts laughing.
Me: What’s so funny?
Kate: This little boy is not sitting in the cart for his mom.
Me: Uh oh.
Kate: Here they come!
The boy is in hysterics, kicking and screaming at his mom. They are parked in the car next to us.
Kate: (stares out window and starts laughing and pointing)
Me: Kate, knock it off. That mom is having a bad day.
Kate: But it’s funny.
I took Kate to get a pedicure while Emma hunted with Scott.
Me: Pick out a polish color.
Kate: I’ll take this blue. This green for grass. And white and black for the panda. And pink for a butterfly in the sky.
We were watching the NCAA tournament. KU was playing.
Kate: Did you see that guy slap that other guy’s butt?
Scott: That’s KU’s coach. He likes touching people’s butts.
Kate: So mean.
Kate was using a blanket to wipe her nose.
Me: Hey! I just washed that blanket.
Kate: Snot rag now.
Emma: MOM! Kate never flushes the toilet. It stinks so bad in here!
Me: Do you flush the toilet?
Kate: Ugh, I don’t want it to overflow.
I was doing yard work in front of our house. I found Kate’s sandals in a bush.
Me: Kate! Did you put your sandals in a bush?
Kate: I don’t know.
Me: You don’t know if you put these in a bush?
Kate: Yes. I put them there.
Kate: They were wet.
Me: So you throw them in a bush?
Kate: I wanted them to dry off in the shade.
My grandma suffered a mini stroke while we were playing Bingo at the nursing home. She left in an ambulance. My mom was texting us updates from the hospital. I was reading the texts out loud to Scott. Emma was listening.
Me: Oh no! Scott, grandma asked my mom if she had any kids!
Emma: Ha! She forgot about you then.
I was in the living room but could hear Scott and Kate in the kitchen.
Kate: Oh no! Wait, did mom see?
Kate: Emma! You can’t do headstands! They’re so bad for you!
Emma: No they’re not. Who told you that?
Me: Hey girls, let’s figure out which camps you want to go to this summer because I can already tell you’re going to drive me insane.
Emma: Ok! Maybe art camp or soccer camp. I also like theatre camp…
Kate: Just put me on a plane to Florida.
Kate: I’m learning about time now.
Emma: Like, multiplication?
Kate: No. Like, you know, the circle.
Me: Girls, I’m interviewing Eric Stonestreet tomorrow!
Emma: You are?!
Kate: I don’t like your interviews.
Me: What? Why?
Kate: You ask too many questions in my business.
I overheard Emma and Kate talking.
Kate: Will you read what Nana said on my iPod?
Emma: Nana said she can’t talk right now, she’s not at home. MOM! I’M GOING TO PLAY OUTSIDE!
Me: Ok, bye! (I hear a door slam. Kate is alone in the living room.)
Kate: Siri, will you text Nana Burton?
Siri: What would you like to say to Nana Burton?
Kate: I want to say tell her to hurry up.
Kate walked in my room.
Me: Did you just tell Siri to tell Nana to hurry up?
Me: Did Siri do it?
Kate: Oh yes, Siri will do anything for me.
Emma and Kate had a dentist appointment. Kate was called back first. I sat with Emma in the waiting room.
Emma: Mom. You won’t believe what Kate did today. I left my water bottle in the lunch room or something and Kate’s teacher found it so she sent Kate to my class to give it back to me.
Kate: Oh no! Did Kate get embarrassed walking into your class?
Emma: MOM. NO. She walked in with her friend. She stands in the front of the class, everyone stares at her. She puts a hand ON HER HIP and she scrunched her nose in a mean face. And she says, “EMMA! GET YOUR WATER BOTTLE.” The whole class starts laughing and saying, “oh your sister is so cute!” and I’m like, “OH MY GOD!”
Me: What did your teacher do?
Emma: She was laughing too. Mom, Kate is so embarrassing.
I get a text from Kate.
Kate: Text me back. Right meow.
Emma: True or false? Butterflies can taste with their feet.
Emma: It’s true.
Kate: Ha! Mommy is smarter than daddy.
Emma: We all know that, Kate. That’s why we have to train daddy.
I woke up to Kate pulling my upper lip up.
Me: What are you doing?
Kate: Look at all those adult teeth. Not fair.
Kate was singing K-State’s fight song.
Scott: That’s right, girl. We’re raising you right!
Kate: I’m doing it right because I want to be a vet. (K-State is a huge vet med school)
Emma was pricing her old books for a garage sale.
Emma: What should I sell this one for? One dollar?
Me: I’m thinking 50 cents.
Emma: I’ll put $1.50
Kate: I’m thirsty. Can I have some grape juice in a…you know.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Kid: No, I don’t want this!
Mom: Eat the tater tot casserole or don’t eat at all.
Kid: Fine. If I eat it, then I get TWO bowls of salad. And a piece of candy.
Kid: Mom, do you know what my worst favorite nightmare is?
Kid: A huge tarantula! Jumping on me.
Mom: Oh no!
Kid: Just kidding. It’s really a black widow.
Mom: (telling her daughter to do something)
Kid: Tell it to my butt because she’s the only one that gives a crap!
Babysitter: I have a song stuck in my head.
Kid: (puts ear next to babysitter’s head) I can’t hear it.
Kid: (avoiding going to bed) Mom, I have to go potty.
Mom: You just walked past the bathroom when you came to my room.
Kid: Oh. (walks back to the bathroom. A few minutes later…) Mom, carry me back to bed.
Kid: My knees hurt.
Mom: Your knees are fine.
Kid: My neck hurts.
Mom: That’s fine too. Go back to bed.
Kid: (puts back of hand to her forehead and channels Scarlet O’Hara) My bangs! They hurt! I can’t walk!
Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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