Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 9 and Kate is 6.
The girls and I were watching Fuller House, on Netflix.
Emma: Why doesn’t Uncle Jesse look older?
Me: I don’t know.
Emma: Why didn’t Michelle come back?
Me: The twins that play Michelle aren’t very nice celebrities.
Kate: How did they make Michelle so short?
We were playing a game, called Wink. You win by secretly winking at your partner. Kate lost. She started crying. We played another round.
Me: Wait, Emma – who was your partner?
Emma: I thought you would figure out! Kate winked at me and a fat tear squirted from her eye and I couldn’t stop laughing.
Me: Let’s get the dogs’ food from PetSmart before we get ice cream.
Kate: Yeah. Get the dogs’ food, buy a cat and then get some ice cream.
Kate: What song is this?
Me: An old one.
Kate: Is the singer dead?
Scott: I got kicked out of my hockey game last night.
Me: Oh great. What did you do?
Scott: I called the ref a name. It’s a bad word. I can’t say it.
Me: Oh. Does it start with a C?
Kate: Does it start with an S?
Me: Girls, get ready for bed. Get your PJs and Kate, don’t forget your pull-up so you don’t pee the bed.
Kate: Emma, go get me a pull-up.
Emma: Kate, that’s none of my business.
Scott: I was watching Orange is the New Black and I didn’t know there are naked lesbians in it. Emma looked up and looked back at her book. Kate looked up, stared and told me to turn it back.
We went out to eat at a restaurant.
Me: Kate, sit here.
Kate: No, I’m going to sit here so I don’t have to look at Emma’s face.
Kate: What state is Virginia in?
Me: Hey, Kate – go pick up all the stuffed animals on top of your toy chest and put them inside.
Kate: (in high-pitched voice) We like the top bunk!
Kate: My animals like the top bunk.
Me: They live on the bottom, inside the box.
Kate: (high-pitched voice) The bottom bunk is scary!
Kate: Can we go eat at Jalapeños? Ha! I almost said jaw-la-penos.
Me: Bye, girls! I’ll miss you when we’re in Costa Rica!
Kate: Don’t forget your spanish, mom!
Me: I know! It is a spanish-speaking country.
Kate: Necesito el bano.
Kate: It means you have to pee or poop. Just memorize it, mom.
Kate was reading me a book.
Kate: George, put on these socks….beep said.
Me: Stop. That says Emma said.
Kate: I don’t like to say her name in a book. I call her beep.
The girls like to talk in a British accent.
Emma: Ello. My name is Emma Burton, what is your name?
Kate: Ello. My name is Kate Burton. That is so funny, Emma Burton. We have the same last name.
I told the girls to put away the dishes in the dishwasher.
Kate: Hey Emma, I dare you.
Kate: I dare you to lick all these plates then put them away.
Me: Who drank the rest of my coffee?
Kate: Well, now I gotta poop.
I was shopping at Target. The girls were fighting. I ignored them and let them walk behind me.
Emma: (screaming) STOP IT, LONG NAILS!
Me: (I turned around and glared)
Kate: (stared at me, flicked her fingers at me)
Kate: UGH! Why do things just go out of my head and I can’t remember what I was thinking?
I was getting dressed in my closet when the girls walked in.
Kate: See your vagina.
Me: Stop it. I see your vagina every time you take a bath. It’s all the same.
Kate: Look at this vagina! (pulls down Emma’s pants)
We took the girls to Manhattan, Kansas. (Kansas State University)
Scott: When your mommy and I went to college here, there was a pizza place called Gumby’s in this building.
Me: Mmmm…Gumby’s pizza.
Scott: They used to have a HUGE pizza. Like 30 inches across.
Me: They called it the Big Ass.
Kate: Ha! Well, I’m not gettin’ no big ass.
We were still in Manhattan. We ate dinner at a restaurant in Aggieville, a bar district.
Scott: Do you girls want to drive through K-State’s campus?
Emma: I thought this is K-State.
Me: What? No! This is where all the bars are. K-State’s campus is a group of buildings with classrooms.
Kate: Well, that’s boring.
Me: Emma, do you want to continue swimming lessons? I know you know how to swim but they can teach you the strokes. Maybe you can become a lifeguard when you’re a little older.
Emma: Why would I want to be a lifeguard? That sounds boring.
Me: You would be protecting kids. And you would have all summer to stare at super cute boys.
Emma: Mom, I’ve seen Sandlot. The boys will be staring at me.
Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.