Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. Emma is 9 and Kate is 6. 

__________

The girls and I were watching Fuller House, on Netflix.

Emma: Why doesn’t Uncle Jesse look older?

Me: I don’t know.

Emma: Why didn’t Michelle come back?

Me: The twins that play Michelle aren’t very nice celebrities.

Kate: How did they make Michelle so short?

__________

We were playing a game, called Wink. You win by secretly winking at your partner. Kate lost. She started crying. We played another round.

Me: Wait, Emma – who was your partner?

Emma: I thought you would figure out! Kate winked at me and a fat tear squirted from her eye and I couldn’t stop laughing.

__________

Me: Let’s get the dogs’ food from PetSmart before we get ice cream.

Kate: Yeah. Get the dogs’ food, buy a cat and then get some ice cream.

__________

Kate: What song is this?

Me: An old one.

Kate: Is the singer dead?

__________

Scott: I got kicked out of my hockey game last night.

Me: Oh great. What did you do?

Scott: I called the ref a name. It’s a bad word. I can’t say it.

Me: Oh. Does it start with a C?

Scott: No.

Kate: Does it start with an S?

__________

Me: Girls, get ready for bed. Get your PJs and Kate, don’t forget your pull-up so you don’t pee the bed.

Kate: Emma, go get me a pull-up.

Emma: Kate, that’s none of my business.

__________

Scott: I was watching Orange is the New Black and I didn’t know there are naked lesbians in it. Emma looked up and looked back at her book. Kate looked up, stared and told me to turn it back.

__________

We went out to eat at a restaurant.

Me: Kate, sit here.

Kate: No, I’m going to sit here so I don’t have to look at Emma’s face.

__________

Kate: What state is Virginia in?

__________

Me: Hey, Kate – go pick up all the stuffed animals on top of your toy chest and put them inside.

Kate: (in high-pitched voice) We like the top bunk!

Me: What?

Kate: My animals like the top bunk.

Me: They live on the bottom, inside the box.

Kate: (high-pitched voice) The bottom bunk is scary!

__________

Kate: Can we go eat at Jalapeños? Ha! I almost said jaw-la-penos.

__________

Me: Bye, girls! I’ll miss you when we’re in Costa Rica!

Kate: Don’t forget your spanish, mom!

Me: I know! It is a spanish-speaking country.

Kate: Necesito el bano. 

Me: What?

Kate: It means you have to pee or poop. Just memorize it, mom.

__________

Kate was reading me a book.

Kate: George, put on these socks….beep said.

Me: Stop. That says Emma said.

Kate: I don’t like to say her name in a book. I call her beep.

__________

The girls like to talk in a British accent.

Emma: Ello. My name is Emma Burton, what is your name?

Kate: Ello. My name is Kate Burton. That is so funny, Emma Burton. We have the same last name.

__________

I told the girls to put away the dishes in the dishwasher.

Kate: Hey Emma, I dare you.

Emma: What?

Kate: I dare you to lick all these plates then put them away.

__________

Me: Who drank the rest of my coffee?

Kate: Well, now I gotta poop.

__________

I was shopping at Target. The girls were fighting. I ignored them and let them walk behind me.

Emma: (screaming) STOP IT, LONG NAILS!

Me: (I turned around and glared)

Kate: (stared at me, flicked her fingers at me)

__________

Kate: UGH! Why do things just go out of my head and I can’t remember what I was thinking?

__________

I was getting dressed in my closet when the girls walked in.

Kate: See your vagina.

Me: Stop it. I see your vagina every time you take a bath. It’s all the same.

Emma: (laughs)

Kate: Look at this vagina! (pulls down Emma’s pants)

Emma: (screams)

__________

We took the girls to Manhattan, Kansas. (Kansas State University)

Scott: When your mommy and I went to college here, there was a pizza place called Gumby’s in this building.

Me: Mmmm…Gumby’s pizza.

Scott: They used to have a HUGE pizza. Like 30 inches across.

Me: They called it the Big Ass.

Kate: Ha! Well, I’m not gettin’ no big ass.

__________

We were still in Manhattan. We ate dinner at a restaurant in Aggieville, a bar district.

Scott: Do you girls want to drive through K-State’s campus?

Emma: I thought this is K-State.

Me: What? No! This is where all the bars are. K-State’s campus is a group of buildings with classrooms.

Kate: Well, that’s boring.

__________

Me: Emma, do you want to continue swimming lessons? I know you know how to swim but they can teach you the strokes. Maybe you can become a lifeguard when you’re a little older.

Emma: Why would I want to be a lifeguard? That sounds boring.

Me: You would be protecting kids. And you would have all summer to stare at super cute boys.

Emma: Mom, I’ve seen Sandlot. The boys will be staring at me.

__________

Are your kids hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

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