Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. I jot them down in my phone then put them together in a blog post. Emma is 9 and Kate is 6.
Emma: Mom, I only missed 1 out of 20 on my Spanish test today! The test was on food.
Me: Mmmm, comida!
Emma: What does that mean?
Kate: Let’s play would you rather.
Kate: Would you rather…lick the windshield with lots of bugs. OR lick daddy’s butt hole?
Me: Emma, you look pretty tonight.
Emma: Do I now? (crosses her eyes and sticks out tongue)
Me: You don’t have school tomorrow! Do you know who Martin Luther King, Jr. is?
Kate: He wanted a new law.
Me: About what?
Kate: To tell people to stop being weird about their skin color.
Kate: Take a picture of me, driving.
Kate: Put it on Facebook.
Me: WHAT? Do you even know what Facebook is?
Kate: Yes. It’s when you let everyone in the world see what we’re doing. Let them see me driving.
Kate: Hey, let’s get sushi then watch some cat videos on YouTube.
Kate: It’s “take your cat to school” day tomorrow!
Me: What are you talking about?
Kate: You’re supposed to bring your cat to school. We don’t have one, so let’s get one.
Me: You lie!
Kate: Fine. Let’s get a cat and put funny videos on YouTube.
Kate was sick from school. I let her sit in the front seat in the school pick up line while we waited for Emma.
Kate: I don’t like those seats back there.
Me: Well, those seats are safer for you to sit in when I’m driving.
Kate: (looks back at the seats) Look at those twisted seatbelts. I hate them. Crooked.
Kate and I were watching Michael Jackson videos.
Me: Kate, let’s try the lean. Here, I’ll hold you.
Me: Here, I’ll stand in front of you. It’s just like a trust fall but forward. Go.
Kate: No. I trust no one.
Me: Man, Scott my Michael Jackson costume really was unbelievable. I should do an encore appearance this year for Halloween.
Kate: Knock it off, mom.
I was helping Emma with geography homework.
Me: Ok, capitol of Rhode Island.
Emma: Rhode Island?
Me: Yes, Rhode Island.
Emma: I didn’t even know Rhode Island was a state.
Emma: Stop it, Kate! You’re being evil! DAD! Kate’s being mean!
Scott: Emma, have you ever heard of the term don’t throw a rock from a glass house?
Scott: It means don’t judge others for things you have done too.
Kate: Glass house? I want to live in this glass house.
Emma: 74 more days of school before summer break!
Kate: 74 more days of mommy making us cold lunch.
Emma: Kate, what would you do if mom said you had school on Saturday and Sunday?
Kate: Punch her in the face and tell her she’s sick.
Kate: UGH! Emma is being so annoying. I just want to pee on Emma right now.
Kate: Will you do my homework?
Me: Ha! You’re crazy. I’m not doing your homework.
Kate: I mean I tell you my answers and you write them down.
Me: Won’t your teacher think I did your homework if it’s in my handwriting?
Kate: Use your left hand to write.
In the car.
Emma: Mom, can I have your phone?
Me: Nope. You need to look out the windows and see the scenery.
Emma: That’s boring.
Me: Well, that’s what I had to do when I was your age. We didn’t have phones or iPods.
Emma: Oh yeah? But we don’t have a van with swivel seats and a table. You got to ride backwards. And you got to walk around and lay on the floor.
We were driving to a friend’s birthday party. There were going to be live exotic animals at the party.
Scott: Girls! This party will have real monkeys and kangaroos and a baby tiger!
Emma: Wow! I can’t wait to see the monkey!
Kate: I hope the monkey pees on Emma’s face.
Kate: Do people leave their Christmas trees up all year?
Me: Ummm…maybe? I don’t know anyone that does that.
Emma: That’s only the crazy ones, Kate.
Kate was getting dressed after a bath.
Kate: Look! My hands are all wrinkly.
Emma: That means you’re dying of old age, Kate.
I was quizzing the girls on family trivia.
Me: I was hospitalized for a week at Children’s Mercy when I was in 4th grade. Why was I at the hospital?
Emma: That scar on your lip from when Aunt JJ bit you.
Kate: MOM! MOM!
Me: I’ll be in a second, Kate!
Kate: Mom! I need your help!
Me: Hold please!
(I finally run upstairs.)
Me: What do you need? OH MY GOSH, KATE! Why are all your clothes that were hanging up on the floor? Did you do this?
Kate: You wouldn’t hurry up so I pulled them all down.
Me: Kate, what would you buy if we won the $700 million Powerball?
Kate: A jeep.
I was in Kate’s room, helping her get dressed.
Kate: I want to wear your shirt today.
Me: You want me to take off my shirt, give it to you and then walk downstairs without a shirt?
Kate: (shrugs) Everyone has boobies.
Emma and I were alone in the house, at night.
Me: Emma, what’s that noise? Hear it? Sounds like something is scratching the window?
Emma: Hm, I hear it. I don’t know.
Me: It’s freaking me out. Maybe I should go look.
Emma: Just turn some loud music on and ignore it.
I walked into the kitchen. Kate was eating cereal at the table.
Kate: This is not a dream.
Kate: This is not a dream.
Me: Ew, you’re freaking me out.
Kate: (stares at me, continues eating cereal)
Kate: Papa said you cried when you got your ears pierced.
Me: I’m sure I did. I was only two.
Kate: I didn’t cry. I just sat here, like this. (holds still, looks straight ahead)
Scott: Girls, let’s buy a boat.
Kate: Or a yacht.
Scott: How do you even know what a yacht is?
Emma: Mom. Would you rather.
Me: Oh great.
Emma: Would you rather get run over by a car or get shot in the head like Lincoln did.
Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Kid: I don’t like puppy dogs but I sure do like their tails.
Kid: Can I pet your dog’s eyes?
Kid: Hey mom! The clouds look like water today. I bet God is fishing.
Kid: (playing upstairs, yelling) You aren’t supposed to say shit in our house!
Kid: Daddy drives with his knee all the time, mom. But I’m a better driver. I can drive with my face.
The family was driving down the road and came across the smell of a skunk.
Kid 1: Ewww! It’s getting worser!
Kid 2: Worser isn’t even a word.
Kid: Sure it is. You just add an ‘r’ to the end.