Rules of the game.

I’m going to piss a lot of people off in this post.

Good. That means you have passion. That’s the power of sports.

I probably won’t make any sense and I may snap at the word “relax” but that’s the power of being a woman.

The timing of this post is perfect because I’m not on a sports high or a low. My emotions are in neutral. My teams are out. The only thing I can hope for is the Denver Broncos to trip up and lose (again) in the Super Bowl and for KU to break some kind major NCAA rule and thrown out of basketball forever.

I have a rage. I do. I’ll admit it. I would call the Devil himself to sit down with me to bargain how we can make K-State win a National Title, the Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl and the Kansas City Royals win the World Ser – well, wait a minute here.

This is how all sports fans should be.

My rules of the game*

*Please refrain from throwing your plastic rats at me. These are my rules. I won’t call you out for breaking my rules. This is satire. Mostly.

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You root for your birthplace professional team.

If you were born in Portland, Oregon, you root for the Seattle Seahawks. If you were born in Tennessee, you root for the Nashville Predators. If you were born in Chicago, congratulations! You get to choose between the White Sox and the ‘ole Cubbies. But you pick one – do not waiver. You were placed on earth in one spot. That spot determines your sports loyalties.

Exceptions: Take my husband, Scott – he was born in Wichita, Kansas but grew up in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Under rule number 1, he should root for the Kansas City professional teams. But growing up, he rooted for Miami teams. This is called half-ass rooting. It’s acceptable to half-ass root for the city’s team you live in. Half-ass means no body paint allowed. A polite clap for a touchdown. And no trash talking because this is not where your loyalties are. 

You root for the college you attended.

This should be a no-brainer. You root for the thousands of dollars you put into your education. Did you go to a small, private college that no one has heard of? Good. Root for them. They need your support. If your college doesn’t have collegiate sports then you should have picked another college. By all means – do not jump on Alabama’s bandwagon. Roll tiding my eyes out of my sockets. There is a certain pride that comes with rooting for your own college. You have a history. The university will follow you on your career journey. It becomes blood family.

Exceptions: Your spouse and children. If you didn’t attend college but your spouse/child did, rooting for your spouse or kid’s college is acceptable. If you attended a different college than your spouse/kid, you always root for your own college. It makes conversations at the dinner table much more entertaining. If you went to two or more colleges, you pick one – do not waiver.

Another exception: You didn’t go to college. You are not married and don’t have kids. You pick one – do not waiver. 

How to handle rivals.

Never wear rival colors. Put it in your head that the rival colors are always out of style. Have you ever seen me wear anything orange? Gross. Have you ever seen me wear a red shirt with blue jeans? No. I don’t root for KU.

As psychotic as that sounds, I am still a nice person. I have family and friends that root for my rivals. And that’s fine. I love those individuals. I just don’t like their team and fan base as a whole. I love you Dan. I cherish your friendship – I just don’t like your Broncos.

How to handle the Ws.

Ah. Your team won a huge game. You are given 24 hours to celebrate big. Buy the bar a round. Jump on your bed in PJs. Wake up the kids. Shoot fireworks off in your driveway. Trash talk the other team. Turn on SportsTalk radio. Call in – go ahead. Gloat. You deserve it.

And then stop.

Anything more than 24 hours of excessive celebration is annoying. And you are walking a fine line into a territory called sports karma. Your team will lose the next game if you don’t get your act together.

Exception: When it’s not just a big game, when it’s a championship title – your excessive celebration is allowed to continue until the start of next season. And then stop. We get it. You’re in the history books.

How to handle the Ls

With the highs, come the lows. You take it. You make good on your bets.

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You are allowed 24 hours of deep depression. Don’t talk to anyone. Snap at others. Don’t take a shower. Get your heart checked because you could have swore you suffered a mini heart attack last night. Vow to never watch sports again. Blame the refs. Often times, comfort can be found by talking with other fans in mourning. Sometimes your team will have losing streaks that last years. Don’t you dare give up – look at the Kansas City Royals and my impending death by the Devil.

Bandwagon fans.

There are two types of bandwagon fans.

Fan #1: Your team is out. There are two teams remaining. The nachos taste much better if you have a team to cheer for. What’s there to lose? This is fine to jump on a bandwagon. But only half-ass rooting.

Fan #2: Oh God. These people root for the winningest teams in all sports. They may be a North Carolina NCAA basketball fan and a Texas football fan and a New England Patriots fan and a New York Yankee baseball fan. This is not allowed. You will be written off by others as an asshole. There. I said it.

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I know, I know – this is a free country. You can cheer for whoever you want. But speaking of free country, I don’t know anyone that was born in the United States that cheers for, oh I don’t know – Mexico in the Olympics because you grew up loving the thought of 80 degree winters.

You cheer where you hail from.

I realize Scott is probably right in saying I’m going to be burned at the stake for this post. Ha! Sports witchcraft. My cauldron.

Good. We have passion. And this is satire. Mostly.

21 thoughts on “Rules of the game.

  1. Pretty good rules, my friend. That’s about how I roll, with the exception of my love for the Dallas Cowboys. That comes from my grandma and she makes the rules. When I lived in Dallas, I hated it. Nobody is from Dallas, but they all rooted for the teams like they were the best ever. At the time, the Stars were good and the Rangers were okay too, but now that they all suck again, the bandwagon fans are back to rooting for Cam Newton or whoever. Lol. Your poor husband. Miami sucks. Just no. Miami teams are for old people and Cubans, not Scott. Bring his loyalties to the midwest. The Cardinals are the best, so we can take him into our fold.

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      • I never really warmed up to the Rams, and quite honestly, they belong in LA. The NFL buttfucked STL when we didn’t get the expansion team that went to Jacksonville. The whole league is horse shit, really. Talk about rich white men who give zero fucks about what they do and how it affects other people…from how they treat their current and former players to how they’ll just up and leave a city, it’s ridiculous. Oh well, I can root for the Chief’s now I guess since they’re in the state. Call me when you guys have an extra ticket and plan to tailgate!

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  2. Dane says:

    True Royal Blue Till I Die. Baseball is all that matters to me, live and die KC Royals. I choose Wichita St. As my NCAA team could care less about football really I like it for fantasy reasons and that’s about all. NHL Winnipeg I have no reason besides I feel like rooting for a Canadian hockey team and KS ain’t got one. It took a good month to get over the 2014 WS loss. And I may have pushed the 2015 WS victory a little over the 24hr span.

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    • I wish KC had a hockey team!! I’m jealous of cities that do. I don’t have a favorite NHL team but I like attending games. Usually root for home team. And yes, if you win WS, you should totally celebrate a little bit longer. I should make an amendment.

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  3. wildcatlee says:

    Well your headline got me to bite. I have thick skin so I thought what the heck. I guess I fall into several categories. I grew up west of the imaginary line in western Kansas where it switched from chiefs to Broncos. Can’t make the argument well you are from Kansas how can you cheer for Denver. Well the Chiefs are from Missouri. But I get your angst. I can cheer for the royals even though the Rockies are my team. It’s because they don’t play in the same division. Not the same with the Chiefs. I am a die hard Kstate fan (still have nightmares about 1998) but shamefully never attended one class in manhappiness. I guess it also has to do with the western Kansas up bringing. And when I say western Kansas I don’t mean Salina. I mean like west of hays western. So I get your post. I know a lot of ku fans who claim to be a fan but never attend the games. Does that disqualify you? No, but in my book how can you not want to go to the games?

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    • Shhhh don’t talk about 1998. I have a lot of friends wayyyy out west (Norton, Kansas) and there is a strong Denver presence. I forget it’s closer to Denver than KC.
      Oh, you must go to a game to be a fan!! I might add that rule too.

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  4. Exception to celebrating the W’s – when you win the World Series, you celebrate that W for at least a year. Especially after a previous year loss in the World Series. #ForeverRoyal

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  5. I would amend you location rule…I root for the Green Bay Packers because my dad was born and raised in GB. Is there something said for location of parents who drill it into you from a young age? (Face paint purple…ahem.) 🙂

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