We have an imaginary friend in our house. His name is Bob. If I had to hear about Bob all week, then so should you. My family is not normal.


Emma: Mom! Kate farted in my face!

Kate: I named him Bob.

Emma: Mom! She named her fart Bob!


Scott: Kate just told me she named her fart Bob.


Scott: I was laying in bed with Kate last night and she said Bob got out of his cage.


Emma: Kate, you stink.

Kate: Mom, Bob is so addicted to Emma right now.


Me: What stinks?

Kate: Not me. Bob’s sleepin’.


Emma: Bob stinks.

Kate: Bob likes the fresh air.


Kate: Oh! Did you hear Bob? Oh! And there’s his friend Scott.

Scott: WHAT?

Kate: Sometimes Bob brings his friend outside to play.


Me: (pull up to Chick-Fil-A window)

Kate: (rolls down window)

Me: No, Kate. Put it up.

Kate: Does that worker know Bob?


Kate: Bob is kinda like a sharpie.

Me: What?

Kate: You know, like the marker. Sometimes he stains.


Emma: Mom! Roll the windows down!

Me: (roll car windows down)

Kate: Uh, Bob is still in here. Bob likes car rides.


Emma: Do you let Bob out at school?

Kate: Sometimes on the playground. But sometimes he follows me. It’s like he’s on a leash or something.


Kate: (gets in car after school) Finally! Mom, Bob waited all day to see you!


Kate: (at the table, eating breakfast) Oh, Bob’s awake.


Me: Kate. Stop. This is gross. Stop talking about Bob.

Kate: Don’t be mean to Bob.

Me: Did your dad teach you to name your farts?

Kate: No. Bob was born that way.


Kate: My tummy hurts.

Me: Do you have to go to the bathroom?

Kate: Yeah, I think Bob wants out.


I was changing Kate in bed, before school.

Kate: (opens her eyes) I’m so tired! Oh. Bob’s up. Now I have to get up too.


Kate: Nana said Chipotle makes a lot of Bobs. Can we have Chipotle for lunch tomorrow?


Me: Do you talk about Bob in school?

Kate: No.

Me: Do you talk to your friends about Bob at home?

Kate: No. Bob’s shy.


Kate: Why does that say Bob?

Me: I’m writing about Bob.


4 thoughts on “Bob.

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