We have an imaginary friend in our house. His name is Bob. If I had to hear about Bob all week, then so should you. My family is not normal.
Emma: Mom! Kate farted in my face!
Kate: I named him Bob.
Emma: Mom! She named her fart Bob!
Scott: Kate just told me she named her fart Bob.
Scott: I was laying in bed with Kate last night and she said Bob got out of his cage.
Emma: Kate, you stink.
Kate: Mom, Bob is so addicted to Emma right now.
Me: What stinks?
Kate: Not me. Bob’s sleepin’.
Emma: Bob stinks.
Kate: Bob likes the fresh air.
Kate: Oh! Did you hear Bob? Oh! And there’s his friend Scott.
Kate: Sometimes Bob brings his friend outside to play.
Me: (pull up to Chick-Fil-A window)
Kate: (rolls down window)
Me: No, Kate. Put it up.
Kate: Does that worker know Bob?
Kate: Bob is kinda like a sharpie.
Kate: You know, like the marker. Sometimes he stains.
Emma: Mom! Roll the windows down!
Me: (roll car windows down)
Kate: Uh, Bob is still in here. Bob likes car rides.
Emma: Do you let Bob out at school?
Kate: Sometimes on the playground. But sometimes he follows me. It’s like he’s on a leash or something.
Kate: (gets in car after school) Finally! Mom, Bob waited all day to see you!
Kate: (at the table, eating breakfast) Oh, Bob’s awake.
Me: Kate. Stop. This is gross. Stop talking about Bob.
Kate: Don’t be mean to Bob.
Me: Did your dad teach you to name your farts?
Kate: No. Bob was born that way.
Kate: My tummy hurts.
Me: Do you have to go to the bathroom?
Kate: Yeah, I think Bob wants out.
I was changing Kate in bed, before school.
Kate: (opens her eyes) I’m so tired! Oh. Bob’s up. Now I have to get up too.
Kate: Nana said Chipotle makes a lot of Bobs. Can we have Chipotle for lunch tomorrow?
Me: Do you talk about Bob in school?
Me: Do you talk to your friends about Bob at home?
Kate: No. Bob’s shy.
Kate: Why does that say Bob?
Me: I’m writing about Bob.