Pillow Talk.

I made a promise to myself.

Yes, I happened to make a promise to myself in January. But it’s not a resolution. I’m back on my feet again and here we are – in January.

I’m back to writing something, anything, every Monday. I’m forcing myself to write once, maybe twice a week. It might be funny. It might not. It might just be me saying hello and that’s it.

So here we go.

… you guys, I got nothin’.

To the draft folder! I wrote this a few days before my niece had emergency surgery to stop bleeding on her brain. I never published this post because, at the time, my world paused. This conversation hid in my drafts for over two years.

Until today. Because this is much funnier than saying hello.

*Notes: Scott isn’t on Twitter anymore. I’m 34 now. My clothing choice reflects the warm night, not January. But I still hold true to my argument – sleeping in lingerie sucks.

________________

Scott: Can I tweet I hate sports bras?

Me: I don’t care what you tweet. What do you mean you hate sports bras? Do you want every guy at the gym to ogle women?

Scott: No. I mean I hate that you wear sports bras to bed.

Me: Um, my boobs are still perky after two breastfed babies. And I’m 31. You’re welcome. Perky-ish.

Scott: And they also shrunk. What are you wearing? A onesie?

Me: It’s called a romper. It’s comfortable.

Scott: It’s a onesie. With a sports bra. Take off the sports bra!

Me: No!

Scott: You’re like Fort Knox!

Me: Fine. What would you like for me to wear to bed, sweet husband of mine?

Scott: Lingerie.

Me: No. I mean to sleep in. I get the whole lingerie thing. Whatever. But I’m not sleeping in that. I get cold. And the girls would see me in the morning and they’ll be all “Oooooo. Pretty lacy red dress. You look pretty, mommy! Can I try it on? It’s my size!”  Next thing you know they will be showing their friends their new dress up clothes in my closet drawer.

Scott: You have a lingerie drawer?

Me: Yes.

Scott: Never knew that.

Me: I just want to be comfortable when I sleep. Sports bra. T-shirt. PJ shorts.

Scott: Wait, where is this red, lacy lingerie?

Me: In. My. Lingerie. Drawer. This is like me asking you to go to bed with a tool belt on and nothing else. You can’t sleep in that.

Scott: You want me to wear a tool belt?

Me: Oh my God. It doesn’t matter! Tool belts, lingerie, sports bras and t-shirt, WE END UP NAKED ANYWAY. Gah!

Scott: Don’t hate on Victoria.

Me: Who the hell is Vic-oh my God. And don’t hate on her secret too?

Scott: Don’t hate on Victoria.

Me: I love Victoria’s Secret. They sell sports bras. And let me tell you something – every advertisement for Victoria Secret is photoshopped. The real Victoria wakes up with a boob popped out of the lingerie, a string stuck up her ass, like way up. And that ass is far from clean the next morning because Victoria farts in her sleep. She has no make up and morning breath. Morning breath that will make you turn away. But you wouldn’t know this because she stole the giant comforter from you and has it wrapped twice around her body because she’s freezing. And don’t get me started on wearing heels to bed.

Scott: Sorry, I’m a man. I just want to see my beautiful wife in lingerie.

Me: Look all you want, take it off, wear it yourself. But when it’s time to sleep, I’m changing to something comfortable. You shouldn’t care what I’m sleeping in because you will be sleeping too, dreaming of me.

Scott: In a onesie and a sports bra at Fort Knox.

Ladies, tell him I’m right on this one – we’re freezing when we wake up the next morning. Do you enjoy wearing lingerie? Do you enjoy actually sleeping in it? Do all men agree with Scott? Do all men want to see their beautiful wife/girlfriend/lover in lingerie? Or do you want to see her in whatever makes her happy?

9 thoughts on “Pillow Talk.

  1. I like my wife in a tee shirt and soccer shorts because soccer. I’m not sure my wife has worn lingerie in quite some time. I think she thinks it’s a waste of money since, as you mention, it just comes off anyway. My wife sleeps in pajamas surrounded by 87 pillows. Her side of the bed is literally a fort. I’ve tried to wear pajamas to bed, but I just can’t. Can’t wear pants or socks or shirts or tool belts, so yeah, I sleep nude every night. Have fun getting that vision out of your head. Lol.

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  2. Lingerie is not for SLEEPING IN, Julie!
    in fact, lingerie should barely be worn at all!

    You put it on.
    He goes nuts.
    He has to suppress the urge to lose it right then and there.
    Stuff happens – hopefully for 90 minutes.
    You towel off/shower.
    You put on granny Pjs if its winter.
    You go to sleep.
    End of story.

    By the way, this explains why I don;t write a sex blog, doesn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

    • HAHAHAHA. I’m laughing so hard in a waiting room right now. “Suppress the urge to lose it right then and there…”
      No, you don’t write a sex blog but you write a hotel blog and that’s pretty much the same thing….right?

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  3. Hi Julie!
    I just hopped over from Aussa’s site.
    How have I not found you before this??
    Your pillow talk sounds suspiciously like my pillow talk…down to the husband’s name.
    It’s flippin’ cold – the hubs knows the only way I’m wearing lingerie to bed is if the fireplace is going full bore and we are under the covers.
    YES to the sports bra! You are singing the song of my people.
    So nice to finally “meet” you.
    Go wildcats!!
    Michelle

    Like

    • Oh, I love a good Wildcat fan!! And those that love a Scott. Ha! I feel like I’ve heard others talk about your blog, I remember the lipstick in the title…Kansas is a small world. Glad to have finally found the lipstick blog 🙂 Followed you back.

      Liked by 1 person

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