Scott: Hey Kate. (winks)
Kate: Hey daddy. (sticks out tongue)
Kate: Here it comes!
Me: Here what comes?
Kate: The shiver. (shakes whole body)
Kate: My tummy hurts.
Me: Do you have to poop?
Kate: (farts) No.
Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae) came on the radio in the car.
Emma: What is this song?
Kate: Oh…you know. The nay nay song.
Me: What nay nay song?
Kate: There’s a dance….watch me nay nay. Watch me nay nay.
Me: Where did you learn that dance?
Emma: Kate, stop copying me.
Me: Emma, it’s a compliment when people copy you. They want to be like you.
Emma: Yeah, well, if you copy every word an author writes you can get in big trouble. It’s called plagiarizing.
Scott, the kids and I were leaving the gym.
Me: I’ll take Kate. You take Emma.
Scott: Ok. It’s a race! Let’s go, Emma!
Kate: (takes off running down sidewalk, away from me) WAIT!!! Daddy! Wait for me too! Don’t leave me with the slow car!
Scott was leaving for an overnight trip.
Scott: Bye Kate! Kate! Bye! Kate, talk to me! Will you play with me when I get home tomorrow?
Kate: Ugh. Too tired to talk!
Scott walked into living room.
Scott: Kate said she wants you to lay down with her right meow.
Scott: That’s what she told me to say.
I tucked Kate in bed.
Kate: Will you lay down with me?
Me: Ok, for a little bit.
Kate: Until I fall asleep?
Me: Ok. (I wait until she falls asleep and tip toe in the dark)
Kate: NICE TRY.
At the airport.
TSA: You can walk on in.
Kate: Don’t you beep me with your wand. (walks through metal detector)
The girls and I traveled to Ft. Lauderdale for a long weekend. We shopped at an outlet mall.
Me: What’s wrong?
Emma: Why are we the only ones that speak English?
(a woman walks by, speaking Russian to her friend)
Emma: See, mom?! (to woman) Do you even know what I’m saying?
Kate: Can you imagine walking to Florida?
Emma: You would die.
Kate: Why would you die?
Emma: Because you wouldn’t have any feet left, Kate.
Me: Look at that cruise ship, girls! Fort Lauderdale is a major city cruises leave from.
Kate: What’s a cruise?
Me: Oh, it’s like a giant ship. But you can sleep on it and eat on it. Like a hotel on water, almost.
Emma: So like the Titanic.
The girls and I took a taxi to our hotel after we landed.
Taxi driver: Where are you girls from?
Kate: Look at all the palm trees! YAY!
Taxi driver: There are no palm trees in Kansas?
Kate: No, we don’t have palm trees. Lots of pom poms though.
Me: Girls, put your pajamas on. Tomorrow we’ll go to the beach.
(Kate starts to undress in front of Emma)
Kate: Don’t you look at my business.
Me: Business? Where did you hear that?
On the plane back to Kansas City.
Kate: Mommy, my ears hurt.
Kate: Not working!
Me: Hold your nose and blow.
Kate: I don’t like that! It hurts! (starts crying)
Emma: (plugs Kate’s nose) Here mom, you hold her down and I’ll plug her nose so her cries force her to blow.
Emma: Mom, everyone thinks I look like you.
Me: You look like me as a kid.
Kate: I must look like daddy then.
Emma: No, you don’t look like daddy. Your eyes are way too big.
Scott: Try this. (hands Emma broccoli and cheese)
Emma: Ew, dad. That’s disgusting.
Scott: No, it’s not disgusting and you know it.
Emma: Fine. It’s gross then.
At Thanksgiving, we hosted Scott’s side of the family at our house. I heard a baby cry.
Me: Oh no! The baby is crying. Kate, go get her mom. She’s probably hungry.
Kate: (walks away, shaking her shoulders) Shake those little boobies! Shake those little boobies!
Kate: Emma! You’re eating CORN!
Emma: What about corn?
Kate: You’re going to make corn poop at school tomorrow! (laugh hysterically, falls off chair)
Kate: Mommy, I got something for you. (holds a fist in front of me)
Me: What you got?
Kate: (opens fist) Cupped fart!
Emma: Why do dogs lick their nose?
Me: Hmmm…not sure. Probably to smell better?
Emma: So like a deer.
Scott: Would you rather eat at Coco Bolos every weekend with all your friends OR meet Taylor Swift?
Kate: Coco Bolos with my friends. I won’t talk to Taylor Swift.
Scott: What? Why not? She’s probably nice.
Kate: I’m too shy for Taylor Swift.
I made the girls pasta. Kate lifted up her fork and stared at it.
Me: What’s wrong? Please, eat it.
Kate: I don’t like this piece of cheese dangling like that. (whispers to fork) I don’t like you dangling.
Kate brought me her iPod, the glass was shattered.
Me: KATE! AH!
Kate: Not a big deal. I’ll send Santa a note.
Scott, the girls, and I went to the movies. There’s a museum across the street from the theatre where a lot of people take pictures. We passed a bride and her bridesmaids.
Scott: Oh, look girls! A bride!
Kate: (loud) HERE COMES THE BRIDE! ALL FAT AND WIDE!
Me: KATE BURTON. You shut your mouth. Where did you hear that?
Kate: Try these berries, Emma.
Emma: No thanks.
Kate: Be a risk taker, Emma.
In the car.
Kate: Truth or dare?
Kate: I dare you to kiss mommy at the next stoplight.
(Scott gives me a kiss)
Scott: (pulls away from me) What did you say?
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Mom: How much water have you had today?
Kid: Oh, like 7 glasses cause I had swim practice and that’s equal to like 3 glasses.
Mom: Uh, what?
Kid: You know. Cause I’m IN the water while I’m swimming sooooo it’s hydrating me. It goes INTO my body.
Mom: Get dressed.
Kid: Ok, but I need some privacy.
Mom: Since when? The night before last, you ran through our room with no clothes on, screaming “naked butt,” and slapping your booty. Then you danced in front of our bathroom mirror before your shower.
Kid: Oh. Well, I need privacy now.
Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.