I read a lot.
I don’t watch TV because I would rather spend my time reading. In fact, sports is the only reason I even own a TV. If I watch a movie, it’s only so I can say, “the book is way better.” My job requires a tremendous amount of research. I am all over the Internet, reading, and learning.
But don’t let a heavy reader like me fool you into thinking I’m intelligent.
I am also on Twitter.
Some of you know her, some don’t – The Bloggess, also known as Jenny Lawson tweeted:
And then Twitter exploded.
People started telling their most awkward moments. MY PEOPLE.
But like I said – don’t let a heavy reader like me fool you into thinking I’m intelligent.
Academically, I was a B average meh, sometimes C average student. I still use the calculator on my phone to figure out tips because I refuse to accept that I will use math in real life.
You think me not watching TV is shocking – I am also terribly shy in person. All of this means I own awkward.
I’ve written this post before but everything is much funnier to me after I forget about it:
Scott and I went to Napa for a date weekend. At our first winery, I told Scott to tip the employee since they had tip jars out. Scott threw the cash into the metal container.
Three wineries later, we were told it was a spit jar.
I asked my dad’s friend, Larry, to teach me how to drive a motorcycle. Larry told me to straddle my dad’s motorcycle.
Larry: Ok, first gear is like this.
Me: Whoa. Wait, I don’t drive a stick. I need an automatic motorcycle to learn on.
“Do you think Tiger Woods is good at mini-golf? He’d have to get a hole-in-one every time, right?”
Our friend, Brett, took us fishing with country music singer, Tyler Farr.
Me: Tyler, do you actually sing on stage or do you fake sing?
At the gym.
Scott: Your turn. I’ll remove some weights for you.
Me: You don’t have to. My legs are much stronger than yours because proportionately women are stronger in their legs than men.
I was watching TV with my dad. An ad came on for a hamburger place. They advertised that their half pound cheeseburger is the biggest one around.
Me: That’s so not true. McDonald’s has the quarter pounder.
I once took a silent picture of a KFC’s employee’s nip slip. I forgot to turn the flash off and she called me out.
I squealed out of the parking lot, crying and shaking. I blogged about it.
A dry wall guy was working in our basement. I didn’t want him to hear me say I had to poop.
Me: Hey Emma, I’m going to go upstairs to P-O-O-P. Be right back.
I stopped dead in my tracks on the stairs when I realized he could spell.
“Wait, WHAT?! I totally thought ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ didn’t come out until I was in college.”
I was looking at the stars with Scott. There were supposed to be a lot of shooting stars that night.
Me: So, like, I know that way is north and that way is south. But what direction is up? Does it all kinda merge to the north?
“There’s no way Ricky Martin is gay.”
“Do guys look at each others’ penises in the locker room? Like, have you seen all your hockey friends’ penises? I would totally look. I check out boobs all the time and I have my own.”
“How do you boil an egg? I mean, like, good.”
“Oh I only eat fish, chicken and turkey. I hate the taste of red meat. Well, actually, I do eat Taco Bell’s taco meat. Completely different.”
“Scott. You have got to read this book. JFK was the biggest perv. (Singing) And I’m LOVING IT.”
I asked the grocery store employee where the guacamoles were. But for the record, that was only because Scott wrote it that way on a list.
On a boat, fishing in the Dominican Republic. I took a break to go sit upstairs with the captain.
Me: “But if you have a fish finder docked on the boat, isn’t that cheating?”
To a flight attendant, on a plane.
Me: Is it true you can’t say bomb on an airplane? Or is that just in Meet the Parents?
I interviewed a coffee shop for work. They invited me to join them “cupping” – or loudly slurping coffee from a spoon.
Barista: Ok, grab a spoon and we’ll get started.
I grabbed a rusted, antique spoon hanging on the wall as art. Before I left, I saw a cup of clean, shiny spoons on the table. I used the antique spoon the whole time and no one said anything.
I don’t think there’s ever been a time I haven’t thanked an officer for a speeding ticket.
In college, my dorm roommate would ask me to sit in the bathroom while she pooped in a stall. She would read a magazine out loud and we would discuss the articles. I don’t know.
I was sitting on top of the sink when another girl walked into another stall. My roommate was mid-sentence when the girl ripped ass so loud it echoed down the hallway. My roommate completely stops talking and never finished her sentence. I could hear laughing through her nose. I jumped off the sink, ran back to our room, and slammed the door. I could never look that girl in the eye again.
Please tell me you have more to add. Tell me your most awkward moment. Then go read everyone else’s on Twitter. God, I love Twitter.