That awkward moment.

I read a lot.

I don’t watch TV because I would rather spend my time reading. In fact, sports is the only reason I even own a TV.  If I watch a movie, it’s only so I can say, “the book is way better.” My job requires a tremendous amount of research. I am all over the Internet, reading, and learning.

But don’t let a heavy reader like me fool you into thinking I’m intelligent.

I am also on Twitter.

Some of you know her, some don’t – The Bloggess, also known as Jenny Lawson tweeted:

bloggess

And then Twitter exploded.

People started telling their most awkward moments. MY PEOPLE.

But like I said – don’t let a heavy reader like me fool you into thinking I’m intelligent.

Academically, I was a B average meh, sometimes C average student. I still use the calculator on my phone to figure out tips because I refuse to accept that I will use math in real life.

You think me not watching TV is shocking – I am also terribly shy in person. All of this means I own awkward.

I’ve written this post before but everything is much funnier to me after I forget about it:

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Scott and I went to Napa for a date weekend. At our first winery, I told Scott to tip the employee since they had tip jars out. Scott threw the cash into the metal container.

Three wineries later, we were told it was a spit jar.

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I asked my dad’s friend, Larry, to teach me how to drive a motorcycle. Larry told me to straddle my dad’s motorcycle.

Larry: Ok, first gear is like this.

Me: Whoa. Wait, I don’t drive a stick. I need an automatic motorcycle to learn on.

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“Do you think Tiger Woods is good at mini-golf? He’d have to get a hole-in-one every time, right?”

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Our friend, Brett, took us fishing with country music singer, Tyler Farr.

Me: Tyler, do you actually sing on stage or do you fake sing?

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At the gym.

Scott: Your turn. I’ll remove some weights for you.

Me: You don’t have to. My legs are much stronger than yours because proportionately women are stronger in their legs than men.

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I was watching TV with my dad. An ad came on for a hamburger place. They advertised that their half pound cheeseburger is the biggest one around.

Me: That’s so not true. McDonald’s has the quarter pounder.

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I once took a silent picture of a KFC’s employee’s nip slip. I forgot to turn the flash off and she called me out.

I squealed out of the parking lot, crying and shaking. I blogged about it.

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A dry wall guy was working in our basement. I didn’t want him to hear me say I had to poop.

Me: Hey Emma, I’m going to go upstairs to P-O-O-P. Be right back.

I stopped dead in my tracks on the stairs when I realized he could spell.

_____________

“Wait, WHAT?! I totally thought ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ didn’t come out until I was in college.”

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I was looking at the stars with Scott. There were supposed to be a lot of shooting stars that night.

Me: So, like, I know that way is north and that way is south. But what direction is up? Does it all kinda merge to the north?

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“There’s no way Ricky Martin is gay.”

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“Do guys look at each others’ penises in the locker room? Like, have you seen all your hockey friends’ penises? I would totally look. I check out boobs all the time and I have my own.”

_____________

“How do you boil an egg? I mean, like, good.”

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“Oh I only eat fish, chicken and turkey. I hate the taste of red meat. Well, actually, I do eat Taco Bell’s taco meat. Completely different.”

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“Scott. You have got to read this book. JFK was the biggest perv. (Singing) And I’m LOVING IT.”

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I asked the grocery store employee where the guacamoles were. But for the record, that was only because Scott wrote it that way on a list.

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On a boat, fishing in the Dominican Republic. I took a break to go sit upstairs with the captain.

Me: “But if you have a fish finder docked on the boat, isn’t that cheating?”

_____________

To a flight attendant, on a plane.

Me: Is it true you can’t say bomb on an airplane? Or is that just in Meet the Parents?

_____________

I interviewed a coffee shop for work. They invited me to join them “cupping” – or loudly slurping coffee from a spoon.

Barista: Ok, grab a spoon and we’ll get started.

I grabbed a rusted, antique spoon hanging on the wall as art. Before I left, I saw a cup of clean, shiny spoons on the table. I used the antique spoon the whole time and no one said anything.

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I don’t think there’s ever been a time I haven’t thanked an officer for a speeding ticket.

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In college, my dorm roommate would ask me to sit in the bathroom while she pooped in a stall. She would read a magazine out loud and we would discuss the articles. I don’t know.

I was sitting on top of the sink when another girl walked into another stall. My roommate was mid-sentence when the girl ripped ass so loud it echoed down the hallway. My roommate completely stops talking and never finished her sentence. I could hear laughing through her nose. I jumped off the sink, ran back to our room, and slammed the door. I could never look that girl in the eye again.

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Please tell me you have more to add. Tell me your most awkward moment. Then go read everyone else’s on Twitter. God, I love Twitter.

6 thoughts on “That awkward moment.

  1. Chaz says:

    With my son at a ninja turtle concert when he was little, we go into the mens room and they have one of those horse trough urinals, I’m taking a leak next to some other dad, my son sees this guys son who has the biggest ears you’ve ever seen and says “look dad an elf”, I was chuckling/laughing trying to keep a straight face and shaking I almost peed down my leg, going no son that’s not an elf and got the hell out of there.

    Like

    • Hahaha!! Kids are the worst at blurting out things!! One time a man dropped a $10. I called him back to get his money. “His” voice was definitely female. I think female.
      Emma: are you a boy or a girl?

      I just walked off with her!! Ah!

      Like

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