Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

I parked the car and waited for Scott and Emma to run an errand in a store. Kate climbed into the passenger seat and opened my middle console.

Kate: Ha! You have these in here. (holds up a tampon)

Me: Do you even know what that is?

Kate: That thing you put up your butt.

______________

I was in a neighbor’s house chatting with another mom. I overheard Kate, coloring at the kitchen table.

Kate: (to other kids) How do you spell sad? Ok, now how do you spell mad?

______________

In the car, driving the kids to school. Emma sneezes then Kate sneezes.

Emma: Stop copying me, Kate.

______________

I walked out of a clothing boutique with Kate. I held the door open for a woman walking in. There was an outdoor rack of clothes on the sidewalk.

Kate: (to woman) All these clothes are free.

Woman: (laughs)

Me: KATE. It says 50 percent off.

Kate: Oh, I thought you could take them.

______________

Every week, I volunteer to help Emma’s class with writing. I finished working with a few girls and looked at Emma. She was talking to a boy.

Later, after school.

Me: Emma, what were you and that boy talking about?

Emma: Oh. Well, he asked if you were my mom and I said yeah. And then he asked if you were a model because you’re so tall. And I told him, ‘HA! No, she’s not a model. She’s here to teach you how to write better.’

______________

I bent over to pick up something on the floor.

Kate: See your boob crack.

______________

Kate: Did you know you’re not allowed to wear socks to gymnastics?

Me: Oh. Did you wear your socks?

Kate: Ugh. Yeah. I forgot to take them off. The teacher gets so jealous about it.

______________

In the car.

Kate: Mommy?

Me: Yep.

Kate: I gotta go to the bathroom.

Me: Ok, I have to get gas anyway. We’ll stop by QuickTrip.

Kate: Uhhhh. Does QuickTrip sell panties?

Emma: YOU POOPED YOUR PANTS!

Kate: It squirted, Emma. Stop!

______________

In the bathroom at QuickTrip.

Kate: What does that sign say?

Me: Employees must wash hands.

Kate: Is that a joke?

______________

Me: Hey girls, just so you aren’t scared in the morning, I have an electrician coming out here and he’ll probably be here when you wake up.

Kate: Will he show us his magic tricks?

______________

Me: Emma. If the word you’re spelling is already printed on the paper, you should be spelling it correctly in your writing. Your teacher said you….

Emma: FIRST DRAFT.

______________

Scott came home from work, grabbed me around the waist and gave me a kiss. I had a sports bra on with one of those tank tops with extra large arm holes.

Scott: Mmmmm. Side boob.

Me: SCOTT. (look over at girls, watching)

Scott: Oh. Whoops.

Kate: HA! Side boob.

______________

Kate: Here, Belle! You want a bone? (gives Belle a bone) And how about a cigarette?

Me: WHAT?

Kate: Did you write that one down in your phone? Ha! (high pitched voice) ‘Kate said Belle do you want a cigarette’

______________

Emma was a flapper for Halloween. I bought her a long cigarette holder and found a fake cigarette that blows out “dust.”

Scott and I joined the group of parents walking behind the herd of kids.

Scott: Whoa! Was that Emma?

Me: What about her? AH! (Emma was running across street, no cigarette holder, just the fake cigarette in her mouth, running slow with high heels on.)

Scott: She’s got that damn cigarette in her mouth! Now she’s taking off her heels and holding them with her hands. She’s a drunk college student!

Me: EMMA!

Emma: My feet hurt! I need to go barefoot!

______________

I had to pick the girls up early from school. I was waiting in the school office. There was a stack of papers near my seat.

Me: Hi girls! You ready to go?

Emma: What’s this?

Me: Looks like a pamphlet on flu season.

Emma: I want one.

Me: What? Why?

Emma: I like facts, mom.

______________

Me: Emma, will you call Nina (my mom) and tell her I don’t need her to babysit anymore?

Emma: Can’t we just text that?

______________

Coach Scott was posing for pictures with Emma’s soccer team. It was cold out so Kate stayed in the car. I watched the team pose for pictures then walked back to the car to check on Kate.

The closer I get to my car, the more I realize the bass booming is coming from my car. Kate is in driver’s seat, singing as loud as she can to the radio.

______________

We took the girls out to eat at a restaurant.

Kate: It’s hot in here.

Emma: Probably from all the candles on the tables.

______________

The girls and I were watching Back to the Future.

Kate: Uh oh. He said the S-word. Not the stupid S-word but the other one. Here, let me whisper it.

Me: That’s ok.

Kate: No, I want to tell you.

Me: (Bend down to her)

Kate: SHIT.

______________

Me: Kate! Let’s go! We’re all waiting on you!

Kate: Hold on, let me check my Facebook.

Me: WHAT? Do you even know what Facebook is?

Kate: Ha! Haha!

______________

Kate was looking at my wedding rings.

Me: One is an engagement ring. And one is a wedding band. But I didn’t get my wedding band until years after our wedding.

Kate: Who makes you get married?

Me: No one. Well, usually the boy asks the girl. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Girls can ask too, if they want.

Kate: Ok. NO to a boy asking me. I decide that, not a boy.

______________

Text message to Scott: We’re at Kauffman Stadium! Playoffs, baby! Go Royals! Look for us on TV! 3rd base side, corner outfield.

IMG_0241

Scott: Took Kate to the farm. She wouldn’t let me watch the game because you guys are there.

IMG_0247

______________

Me: Oh Kate, looks like you’re going to the Nelson for your first field trip! Daddy and I took pictures there on our wedding day.

Scott: I threw up there too.

Me: He had too much tequila the night before, girls.

Scott: I was sick because I was nervous to see your mommy.

Me: No. Too much tequila.

Kate: I’m telling my teacher all of this.

______________

The girls and I were watching Back to the Future, part 2.

Me: Isn’t this crazy? They’re in 2015! That’s now! Get it? So in 1985, when the first movie was made, they thought 2015 would have flying cars!

Emma: Seriously? Come on, people. Flying cars? I wouldn’t have thought that if I was in 1985.

______________

The girls and I were watching Back to the Future, part 3.

Me: Ok, so now Marty is in 1885. That was about 20 years after the Civil War. See how there’s nothing around back then?

Emma: Well, he should do good on his history tests.

______________

Emma: Man, Doc talks really loud.

Kate: LOUDER THAN ME?

______________

Emma: What are you reading?

Me: Go Set A Watchman. It’s by Harper Lee. She only published one book, To Kill A Mockingbird. This book is a little controversial because it was published after she died. She never wanted it published. Here, you can read her bio.

Emma: (reads) Born in 1926! Was she a flapper?

______________

I was watching cat videos with Kate on my phone. I think one was called, “Douche Bag Cat.”

Kate: What’s that say?

Me: It’s a bad word. Just watch.

Kate: Tell me.

Me: No.

Kate: Whisper in my ear.

Me: Get out of here.

Kate: Can we watch it again?

Me: Fine.

Kate: Duh-duh-do. Chee. Bag. Cat.

______________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Dad brings in mail and 5-year-old son takes the Victoria Secret postcard coupon.

Dad: Do you think she’s pretty, son?

Kid: Well, I can’t tell because she doesn’t have any clothes on.

______________

Kid (watching commercials): I want to drink a Bud Light!

Mom: You have about 15 more years.

Kid: (counting on fingers) WHAT?! You have to be 21 to have a beer?!

______________

Kid: Mama? What do other mom’s booboos (boobs) look like?

Mom: Everybody looks different but same general idea.

Kid: Is the general idea that when you’re a mom, you have two long hangy tubes?

______________

Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

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