I parked the car and waited for Scott and Emma to run an errand in a store. Kate climbed into the passenger seat and opened my middle console.
Kate: Ha! You have these in here. (holds up a tampon)
Me: Do you even know what that is?
Kate: That thing you put up your butt.
I was in a neighbor’s house chatting with another mom. I overheard Kate, coloring at the kitchen table.
Kate: (to other kids) How do you spell sad? Ok, now how do you spell mad?
In the car, driving the kids to school. Emma sneezes then Kate sneezes.
Emma: Stop copying me, Kate.
I walked out of a clothing boutique with Kate. I held the door open for a woman walking in. There was an outdoor rack of clothes on the sidewalk.
Kate: (to woman) All these clothes are free.
Me: KATE. It says 50 percent off.
Kate: Oh, I thought you could take them.
Every week, I volunteer to help Emma’s class with writing. I finished working with a few girls and looked at Emma. She was talking to a boy.
Later, after school.
Me: Emma, what were you and that boy talking about?
Emma: Oh. Well, he asked if you were my mom and I said yeah. And then he asked if you were a model because you’re so tall. And I told him, ‘HA! No, she’s not a model. She’s here to teach you how to write better.’
I bent over to pick up something on the floor.
Kate: See your boob crack.
Kate: Did you know you’re not allowed to wear socks to gymnastics?
Me: Oh. Did you wear your socks?
Kate: Ugh. Yeah. I forgot to take them off. The teacher gets so jealous about it.
In the car.
Kate: I gotta go to the bathroom.
Me: Ok, I have to get gas anyway. We’ll stop by QuickTrip.
Kate: Uhhhh. Does QuickTrip sell panties?
Emma: YOU POOPED YOUR PANTS!
Kate: It squirted, Emma. Stop!
In the bathroom at QuickTrip.
Kate: What does that sign say?
Me: Employees must wash hands.
Kate: Is that a joke?
Me: Hey girls, just so you aren’t scared in the morning, I have an electrician coming out here and he’ll probably be here when you wake up.
Kate: Will he show us his magic tricks?
Me: Emma. If the word you’re spelling is already printed on the paper, you should be spelling it correctly in your writing. Your teacher said you….
Emma: FIRST DRAFT.
Scott came home from work, grabbed me around the waist and gave me a kiss. I had a sports bra on with one of those tank tops with extra large arm holes.
Scott: Mmmmm. Side boob.
Me: SCOTT. (look over at girls, watching)
Scott: Oh. Whoops.
Kate: HA! Side boob.
Kate: Here, Belle! You want a bone? (gives Belle a bone) And how about a cigarette?
Kate: Did you write that one down in your phone? Ha! (high pitched voice) ‘Kate said Belle do you want a cigarette’
Emma was a flapper for Halloween. I bought her a long cigarette holder and found a fake cigarette that blows out “dust.”
Scott and I joined the group of parents walking behind the herd of kids.
Scott: Whoa! Was that Emma?
Me: What about her? AH! (Emma was running across street, no cigarette holder, just the fake cigarette in her mouth, running slow with high heels on.)
Scott: She’s got that damn cigarette in her mouth! Now she’s taking off her heels and holding them with her hands. She’s a drunk college student!
Emma: My feet hurt! I need to go barefoot!
I had to pick the girls up early from school. I was waiting in the school office. There was a stack of papers near my seat.
Me: Hi girls! You ready to go?
Emma: What’s this?
Me: Looks like a pamphlet on flu season.
Emma: I want one.
Me: What? Why?
Emma: I like facts, mom.
Me: Emma, will you call Nina (my mom) and tell her I don’t need her to babysit anymore?
Emma: Can’t we just text that?
Coach Scott was posing for pictures with Emma’s soccer team. It was cold out so Kate stayed in the car. I watched the team pose for pictures then walked back to the car to check on Kate.
The closer I get to my car, the more I realize the bass booming is coming from my car. Kate is in driver’s seat, singing as loud as she can to the radio.
We took the girls out to eat at a restaurant.
Kate: It’s hot in here.
Emma: Probably from all the candles on the tables.
The girls and I were watching Back to the Future.
Kate: Uh oh. He said the S-word. Not the stupid S-word but the other one. Here, let me whisper it.
Me: That’s ok.
Kate: No, I want to tell you.
Me: (Bend down to her)
Me: Kate! Let’s go! We’re all waiting on you!
Kate: Hold on, let me check my Facebook.
Me: WHAT? Do you even know what Facebook is?
Kate: Ha! Haha!
Kate was looking at my wedding rings.
Me: One is an engagement ring. And one is a wedding band. But I didn’t get my wedding band until years after our wedding.
Kate: Who makes you get married?
Me: No one. Well, usually the boy asks the girl. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Girls can ask too, if they want.
Kate: Ok. NO to a boy asking me. I decide that, not a boy.
Text message to Scott: We’re at Kauffman Stadium! Playoffs, baby! Go Royals! Look for us on TV! 3rd base side, corner outfield.
Scott: Took Kate to the farm. She wouldn’t let me watch the game because you guys are there.
Me: Oh Kate, looks like you’re going to the Nelson for your first field trip! Daddy and I took pictures there on our wedding day.
Scott: I threw up there too.
Me: He had too much tequila the night before, girls.
Scott: I was sick because I was nervous to see your mommy.
Me: No. Too much tequila.
Kate: I’m telling my teacher all of this.
The girls and I were watching Back to the Future, part 2.
Me: Isn’t this crazy? They’re in 2015! That’s now! Get it? So in 1985, when the first movie was made, they thought 2015 would have flying cars!
Emma: Seriously? Come on, people. Flying cars? I wouldn’t have thought that if I was in 1985.
The girls and I were watching Back to the Future, part 3.
Me: Ok, so now Marty is in 1885. That was about 20 years after the Civil War. See how there’s nothing around back then?
Emma: Well, he should do good on his history tests.
Emma: Man, Doc talks really loud.
Kate: LOUDER THAN ME?
Emma: What are you reading?
Me: Go Set A Watchman. It’s by Harper Lee. She only published one book, To Kill A Mockingbird. This book is a little controversial because it was published after she died. She never wanted it published. Here, you can read her bio.
Emma: (reads) Born in 1926! Was she a flapper?
I was watching cat videos with Kate on my phone. I think one was called, “Douche Bag Cat.”
Kate: What’s that say?
Me: It’s a bad word. Just watch.
Kate: Tell me.
Kate: Whisper in my ear.
Me: Get out of here.
Kate: Can we watch it again?
Kate: Duh-duh-do. Chee. Bag. Cat.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Dad brings in mail and 5-year-old son takes the Victoria Secret postcard coupon.
Dad: Do you think she’s pretty, son?
Kid: Well, I can’t tell because she doesn’t have any clothes on.
Kid (watching commercials): I want to drink a Bud Light!
Mom: You have about 15 more years.
Kid: (counting on fingers) WHAT?! You have to be 21 to have a beer?!
Kid: Mama? What do other mom’s booboos (boobs) look like?
Mom: Everybody looks different but same general idea.
Kid: Is the general idea that when you’re a mom, you have two long hangy tubes?
Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.