And here we are.
Can I vent here? Sure, I can. It’s the Internet.
I am assuming you read the title. I am also assuming you know this post is about a dog, a labrador retriever.
Your assumptions are right. Her name is Stella.
Stella is six months old. A six-month-old, black labrador retriever puppy.
A puppy. There’s just something about the word – puppy. Wagging tails. Puppy dog eyes. Barks that sound like squeaks and squawks. Slobber left on your face because you love to press your nose into that mysterious, coffee-scented puppy breath.
You smiled didn’t you.
Ah, now you smiled.
- Two days ago, I turned on the lights to find Stella squatting in pitch black, taking a steamy dump.
- I still have one diamond earring in a small dish on my bathroom sink. The other went through the bowels of my dog and is now sitting, somewhere, in a pile of dog crap. I don’t know what to do with the one diamond earring.
- “Just knee her down, kids. Take your knee and pop her chest down. Harder. Don’t be shy about this. She needs to learn not to knock kids over.”
- “See? She lost some teeth! Let’s push some more baby teeth out, maybe she’ll stop chewing.”
- Google search: how to get dog urine out of mattress pad because husband is dumbass and allows dog to sleep in our bed.
- Did you know if you clip a dog’s nails too short, they bleed? Yes. They do. The blood gushes out at jet speeds, spraying the kitchen down from five feet away like she’s Spiderman. Woman. That was my fault.
- We purchased a bark collar that increases the shocks the more she barks. It sounds a little cruel but she was in a downward spiral into the classification of a yippy, barking, Chihuahua that’s mad at the world.
- She stole my Taco Bell taco from the counter top.
- “Thanks for coming on short notice. Yes, yes you did just lay carpet down in our brand new house a month ago. You see, when we bought a house, we also bought a puppy. Yeah, a lab. Yeah, I know. No, we’re weren’t drunk. I don’t know, does my head look screwed on to you?”
- Falling asleep to the soothing sounds of crickets or ocean waves? Try this, Sleep Pillow App – dog slurping her crotch.
- “Scott, she’s sitting two inches from my face because I’m drinking wine. She likes to lick the wine from my lips.”
- “Hey, have you guys ever seen a lab hump a yorkie poo?” Her spay appointment is getting close.
- “Mom, how old is Stella in human years?” Stella runs into the kitchen, jumps on the dining room table, slides off and lands on floor.
- Labrador retrievers are smart dogs. Too smart. They know your schedule. They know as soon as the kids put their backpacks on, it’s time to go in the kennel…and round and round we go, around the kitchen island. Stop. Change directions. Round and round we go wait, is that a treat?
- “Son of a bitch. Why does this dog get so many Instagram likes? If they only knew.”
- Scott spent a whole weekend planting new trees in our backyard. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Stella spent 30 minutes digging the root ball back up for a re-do, in stealth mode. No one saw her do it.
- “Scott? Hey, Stella ate something bad, I think. I don’t really know but she has diarrhea and threw up all over her kennel and it spewed all over our walls and hardwood floors. Well, it is big deal because it’s flat paint. I told you to spend the extra money on the eggshell paint. Yeah, well it’s too late to be cheap about this now. I know you can’t do anything about this over the phone but I was right. I just want to hear that I’m right.”
- “MOM! Stella ran down the street!! She has daddy’s underwear!!”
Scott and I are ‘ole veterans at puppy raising. Stella is our third puppy. Why? I don’t know. The same reason people have eight kids, probably. Insanity.
She’s family now. And like any 3-year-old in human years, we can’t return her.
Have you ever raised a puppy? Are labrador retriever puppies the worst? Did you swear to yourself you would never get a puppy again? Have you read Marley and Me? Tell me your bad stories – go ahead, vent. It feels good.